"Prodding the genitals of live great white sharks is only for the bravest of marine researchers..."

Of all the porns that exist, I feel Great White shark porn is under-appreciated. Imagine the stakes, the risk, the loss of life and limb involved in ejaculating semen from a man-eating Great White shark. Well, as harrowing as the process may be, a few brave scientists are willing to go the extra mile, as it were, for science.

Don’t believe?

Let us turn to the most well respected scientific journal this side of the Mississippi, the august Sacramento Bee.

Prodding the genitals of live great white sharks is only for the bravest of marine researchers, of which SeaWorld’s Gisele Montano may be the boldest.

Her job is to collect semen samples from the great white sharks caught by the nonprofit OCEARCH, in hopes of learning about where they mate, give birth and nurse along the East Coast.

Asked how she does this safely — given her patients are 1,000-pound apex predators — Montano confides that it’s not scary, but it is difficult.

“I would say they do feel something … but because of their size it must feel like a little tug or a little pinch. It does not hurt … It is a bit uncomfortable,” Montano told McClatchy.

“If you saw the size of the catheter and the size of the animal, you would see it’s very small by comparison.”

Her rushed tests take place as a handful of researchers with OCEARCH tag the shark with a satellite tracker, and other scientists take blood, stool and bacteria samples. In all, the sharks are out of the water no more than 15 minutes, which means there is no time to waste, she says.

Etc.

Oh I can only assume that the Great White shark, just cathetered, will be especially menacing in the lineup.

I can only guess that he’ll eat any surfer within “arm’s” length.

Best not to surf until this sort of nasty research is over.

More as the story develops.

Long live the Wall of Positive Noise!

The Vans World Cup of Surfing, there at Sunset Beach, North Shore, Oahu, Hawaii, USA is an undeniably wonderful event. So many storylines collide in the bowl. Championship Tour surfers angling for Triple Crown bragging rights, Qualifying Tour surfers trying to scratch their way into the big dance.

Right now, Kelly Slater is in the water, fighting for his first ever win at Sunset. Does that surprise you that he has never won here before? It does me, I suppose.

Jadson Andre is there too, attempting to win the entire Qualifying Series. Are trophies given for that? I hope so.

Stuart Kennedy is getting interviewed after advancing to the quarterfinals and seems almost happy.

Carlos Munoz, stylish surfer from Costa Rica, was in the same heat and lost thereby squashing his 2020 Championship Tour dream.

He sat alone on the beach, afterward, gazing out to sea, clearly upset. The camera lingered for a moment until Pete Mel willed it away, “There’s going to be some of those today, the agony of defeat, but there’s also going to be lots of elation. Let’s just focus on the elation.”

Long live the Wall of Positive Noise, forever defended from the turrets.

Kelly Slater is surfing very poorly, by the way. He will not win. Would you like to watch anyhow?

Here!