Very Harvey Weinstein.
Very Harvey Weinstein.

Apocalypse Now: In “historic first” cookiecutter shark, featuring mouth “like toilet plunger with a blade in it,” attacks three swimmers in Hawaii!

Is this the end?

Great White, Tiger and Bull sharks have haunted surfers, swimmers and other assorted Hawaiians since the dawn of time. Circling in those crystalline depths, stalking, biting, “man-eating.” Terrors all but known terrors. All accounted for.

Well, in this, our current and ongoing “shark apocalypse,” Hawaiians and Haole Blow-ins alike have a new worry featuring a hungry mouth “like a toilet plunger with a blade in it” and a body like a “lazy sausage.”

Yes, in a “historic first” the “man-plunging” cookie cutter shark has attacked humans, latching on and attempting to suck, suck, suck out the vitals.

Too fantastical to believe? Let the well respected science website guide you into awful truths.

In a historic first, the elusive, foot-long cookiecutter shark was responsible for three of 2019’s attacks. All three bites were on long-distance swimmers training in Hawaii’s Kaiwi Channel at night.

The ISAF’s more-than 6,400 records only contain two other accounts of unprovoked cookiecutter bites on live humans: one in 2009 in Hawaii’s Alenuihaha Channel and one in 2017 in North Queensland, Australia.

The snub-nosed, cigar-shaped shark, often considered a parasite, attaches to its prey with rubbery lips and uses its robust muscles and circular jaw to extract a plug of flesh—”acting like a toilet plunger with a blade in it,” Naylor said. It leaves distinct, craterlike wounds on a wide range of marine life, including tuna, seals, dolphins and even great white sharks, 10 times the cookiecutter’s size.

Not much is known about the cookiecutter shark, Naylor said.

“They’re quite mysterious animals,” he said. “While they’re found all over the world, we don’t know how many of them there are, or how exactly they create this seemingly perfect circle. They can look pretty pathetic, like a lazy sausage, but they can do a lot of damage.”

And here I mistakenly thought that in this new decade, this #metoo world, “pathetic, lazy sausages” that attacked, unprovoked, had been shamed away.

Apparently not.

Learn more about our new nightmare here.

Gabriel Medina film trailer: “The man who has ruthlessness in his bones and ice in his heart!”

"Medina is as good a villain as he is a rider of waves and the sport is infinitely better for his presence."

Earlier today, Brazil’s Gabriel Medina, two-time world champ, seeker of no-one’s approval, loosed the trailer for his upcoming bio film.

I’m a sucker for believable, beautifully made epics about brave people in the middle of the ocean battling overwhelming odds against nature to stay alive, and feel this might fit the bill.

As Matt Warshaw opined in December, “The WSL’s Wall of Positive Noise is a vanilla-scented scourge upon pro surfing, and Medina’s Dark Arts no-fucks-given approach to the game is attractive by comparison, and thus becomes my own cudgel, my own counternarrative, against the WSL’s endlessly vapid presentation. Surfing, like all forms of entertainment, need villains, and because Medina is as good a villain as he is a rider of waves and the sport is infinitely better for his presence. Second, Medina, for my money, is simply the best all-around surfer in the world.”

“Everyone knows Gabriel Medina today, but few know the things I went through to get here,” wrote Gabriel, in Portuguese, to his eight-million-plus Instagram followers, a number seven-times greater than John John and four times more than Kelly Slater.

See trailer here.

Film premieres Jan 31 on Globoplay, the Brazilian subscription video-on-demand service.


Listen: “I want, more than anything, to see a singing, dancing, fabulous Eddie Rothman, John John Florence, Graham Stapelberg!”

Gleeful defiance. Feral wit.

But what is your dream, your deep down dream that is more fantasy than anything else? Your chimera with almost no chance of coming true but the almost haunts you? That you could be discovered, whilst walking down the street, and made a famous actress on a hot new daytime soap? That air-reverses will enter your regular, consistent repertoire? Steph Gilmore will see you landing all those air-reverses and fall madly in love?

Mine, that I’ve harbored for a few years now, is to turn the award-nominated book detailing life on Oahu’s North Shore Welcome to Paradise, Now Go to Hell into a Broadway, Off-Broadway or even Off-Off-Broadway musical.

The opening number, featuring many ukuleles and steel guitars, swells as the lights dim. The scent of coconut and rot sprayed into the audience from hidden chambers. Curtains open to a rococo set design featuring palm trees, passion fruit bushes, a large Volcom Stone. Think Baz Luhrmann in Strictly Ballroom.

Thunder rattles the auditorium but… that’s not thunder it’s… crashing waves. It’s…

…The Pipeline.

Billabong’s vice-president of marketing Graham Stapelberg can now be seen lurking in the corner, stage left, behind one of the passion fruit bushes. Shifty eyes. Nervous. He begins to dance a very nervous dance. Twitchy. Modern.

Pipeline’s thunder becomes drum and bass techno track and Graham Stapelberg continues gyrating, nervous, scared. Think Bob Fosse.

And that’s as far as I’ve gotten.

I have no experience in musical theater other than once being married to a musical theater actress. No playwright, songwrite, choreography ability but I shared by dream, anyhow, with David Lee Scales today.

He mocked it.

We also chatted about which current tour surfer will be our world’s Aaron Hernandez.

Who do you think?

And even though David Lee Scales mocked my dream, do you believe it is remotely possible? That we might someday see actors playing Eddie Rothman, John John Florence, Kolohe Andino and Dave Prodan dancing, singing, expressing the passion of Da North Shore?

Do you know any playwright/songwrite/choreographer?

I’ll cut you in on the box office.

Listen here!

Sharks in Florida (pictured) smiling broadly at their skillz.
Sharks in Florida (pictured) smiling broadly at their skillz.

Celebrate: Florida outclasses Australia, Reunion, South Africa and entire world combined for most unprovoked shark attacks in 2019!

The sunshine state!

Oh it is good to be number one. To be able to tilt chin back, slightly, puff chest out, a touch, and walk down the street with extra long steps, arms swinging robustly. And today, Florida is metaphorically strutting its stuff having once again topped Australia, Reunion, South Africa and the entire rest of the world combined for most unprovoked shark attacks on human men in just-wrapped 2019.

Feel free to pop a bottle Yuengling and read the report yourself:

For decades, Florida has topped global charts in the number of shark attacks, and this trend continued in 2019. Florida’s 21 cases represent 51% of the U.S. total and 33% of unprovoked attacks worldwide. However, the state saw a significant drop from its most recent five-year annual average of 32 incidents.

Unprovoked shark attacks also occurred in Hawaii (9), California (3), and North Carolina (3), with single incidents in Georgia, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Carolina, and the Virgin Islands.

In Florida, Volusia County had the most shark attacks (9), representing 43% of the Florida total, in line with the five-year annual average of nine incidents in the area. The remaining incidents occurred in Brevard (2) and Duval (5) counties, with single incidents occurring in Broward, Martin, Nassau, Palm Beach, and St. Johns counties.

By way of comparison, Australia had 11 attacks, Reunion had 1 and South Africa, once brave and proud, had 0.

Hang your metaphorical head in shame, South Africa.

Deep, profound shame.

But surfers in South Africa celebrate and travel to Florida. You are snack number one!

Man with electric underwater broom cleans Melbourne pool. | Photo: 7 News

Extreme weather: Melbourne wave pool closed for second consecutive day due to freak “mud rain”!

"Since the wild dust storm rained mud on us last night, our dedicated crew of facilities technicians, divers, robotic vacuum cleaners, sweepers and even lifeguards have been scrubbing non-stop…"

Pool surfers’ lives are in tatters this morning after it was revealed Australia’s first commercial wave pool would remain closed after freak “mud rain” that left the facility with a brown tank.

From Urbnsurf,

Since the wild dust storm rained mud on us last night, our dedicated crew of facilities technicians, divers, robotic vacuum cleaners, sweepers and even lifeguards have been scrubbing non-stop to return our surfing lagoon to its usual crystal-blue state. Regrettably (due to the thick nature of the dust) we’re still hard at work cleaning our lagoon, and in the interests of our guests’ health and safety, @urbnsurf #melbourne will be closed tomorrow, Friday 24 January 2020.

An act of God that must’ve taken the joint’s PR team by surprise given “mud-rain” is unlikely to’ve made it onto the list of potential closures.

Death, turds, paralysis, board through an eyeball, lightning, hail, these you can prepare for and mount compelling responses to.

But to be shat on from outer space?

Meanwhile, tears have been flowing on the company’s IG account as punters struggle to come to terms with the chaos of life.

Oh no! How is Saturday looking? I was booked in for the 9th of Jan and did my back on the 8th of Jan so missed out. my rebook is for this Saturday. Please tell me it’s all going to be ok… and it’s my 40th today, I’ll head down after work tomorrow and give you a hand cleaning it if you need?

We’ve literally just landed in Melbourne having flown from Sydney especially for tomorrow at your pool, having booked two sessions each the second they came live. You could have given us some warning yesterday/this morning?? Please please find a way to fit us in this weekend on your rights? We’ve booked flights, a car, two sessions… it’s been an incredibly expensive weekend

There was some good advice to be had, howevs.

4ft and offshore on the surf coast tommrow. Would rather be there!

you guys should head down to the surfcoast , it’ll be pumping and a lot of us are back at work now , so there will be a few less crowded breaks. Two days of great swell , adventure and sun – free of charge

If you’ve got a sesh booked at Urbnsurf, hit ’em up via email ([email protected]) for updates.

Phones are aching with traffic. You ain’t gonna get through.

Click here to watch the clean-up from a TV network chopper.