There will be blood.

2020 might just be the end of the world. Sharks are circling viciously, Hurley is making a full line of feminine sanitary products, claims will now become an epidemic and a nuclear Iran has likely lost control of its paramilitaries.

But what is most troublesome, worrying, is the coming broadcast war. The violent, scorched earth, take no prisoners conflict that will pit Joe Turpel against Ron Blakey, the 1989 World Champion against the 1988 World Champion, Sal Masekela against his own embarrassing professional slide from E! television host to Kelly Slater’s best friend in the whole wide world.

Only one, or maybe two, will be in the booth when surfing makes its Olympic debut in Tokyo later this year but who will it be? Who will go down in history as the official voice of surfing?

It will be a brutal bloodletting as onetime friends and podcast partners Chris Cotê and Todd Richards face off. As David Stanfield crawls out of the grave, hungry for human flesh and “big hacks off the top.” As Dave Wassel and The Woz power flex their wonderfully sculpted titties. As Peter Mel.

But seriously, who will NBC tab to call the action? Who will bring our Pastime of Kings into the living rooms and hearts of America’s living room? I know that Australia will have its own broadcast team but those on it will certainly be the first losers (Ron Blakey).

America is what matters. The gold standard and I think we should put some money on this. I think we should set up a betting pool.

J.P.? Can we do this? Do you know of a way?

Wait... who's worse?

If there was one bright narrative in our current Shark Apocalypse it was that of South Africa’s False Bay, a onetime apex predator Great White shark feeding ground that became vacated when the Great Whites began getting eaten by vicious Killer Whales but… wait.

If Great Whites are apex predators then what does that make Killer Whales?

AApex predators?

Ol Dirty Bastards?

We must decide later because Great Whites have returned to False Bay after an eighteen month sissy li’l mama’s boy spree but don’t take my word for it. Take Newsweek’s.

A great white shark has been spotted in South Africa’s False Bay over 18 months after disappearing from the popular feeding ground. It was thought the predators left the area after killer whales arrived and started hunting them.

Shark-eating killer whales turned up in the Bay in 2015. Researchers started finding the carcasses of sevengill sharks that appeared to have been killed by orca. Two years later, five dead great whites were found with similar wound patterns. Examinations showed how they had been bitten in the area between their pectoral fins. Their livers were also missing.

Since then, great whites have been largely absent from False Bay, off Cape Town.

A similar phenomenon was previously recorded off the coast of San Francisco. When killer whales arrived at the Greater Farallones National Marine Sanctuary, the great white sharks would leave the feeding ground and not return for up to a year.

But they’re back now and does this mean Great White sharks are AAApex predators?

This whole business is feeling more Iran vs. USA every single day but I think until we get to the bottom of what’s actually happening no more surfing anywhere in any ocean.

AAAApex predators?

More as the story develops.

Competitiveness never takes a day off.

And the accomplishments just keep stacking up, one on top of the other on top of the other. Youngest professional surfer to ever win a heat. Oldest professional surfer to ever win a heat. Eleven World Championships. BeachGrit‘s 2020 Man of the Year runner-up, just a few votes behind our friend the Great White shark.

But what can you give a man that has achieved everything?

Shoot his Oi Rio Pro contest singlet into space of course and let’s read how this monumental event came to be. Let’s study the fine print in Florida Today.

International Space Station astronaut Christina H. Koch, who has shown a love for surfing, even watching live telecasts while orbiting Earth, and photographing coastlines, recently displayed Slater’s signed No. 11 jersey from the Oi Rio Pro contest in Brazil, where the 47-year-old American lost to eventual winner Filipe Toledo in the Round of 16.

The jersey reached the ISS during a re-supply mission, undoubtedly thanks to the efforts of the World Surf League and NASA.

Kelly, himself, took to Instagram and let’s read his fine print too.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B6_tBxbhoZF/

So my @wsl Oi Rio Pro Jersey made its way into lower earth orbit on the #ISS to my friend @astro_christina who is spending 11 months up there! (Her side hustle is taking pictures of coastlines/potential surf spots around the globe for me!) We recently did a live chat so I could get the lowdown on the Space Station. This coming Friday we will be doing a live public chat. When I have the details I’ll pass them along. In the meantime, give me some ideas below of questions you would ask an astronaut spending the years in space…what they eat, how they stay entertained, how much time they just gaze at the earth, etc. I wonder if we’ll get any flat earthers?

A wonderful time and place to bait flat-earthers. Perfect even.

Do you think they’ll engage?

Very quickly, though, do all Kelly’s competition singlets list every one of his championships?

More as the story develops.

Wash the hypocrisy away!

But did you watch Ricky Gervais’s gorgeous Golden Globes’ monologue from a few days ago? Oh, you must. The world’s second funniest man laid absolute waste to elite Hollywood hypocrisy, declaring at the end that they all work for gross polluters so spare all the green-washed, human rights-tinged speeches.

He’s right. Leo DiCaprio by hisself accounts for more naughty gasses in the atmosphere than a whole village of trash burning Peruvians. The only grosser polluter is Kelly Slater.

And us.

Our boards are downright toxic, no question about it, but… we like to surf so… somebody else should be greener.

No?

Well, a Milwaukee psychiatrist named Ken Cole has invented a progressive new surfboard technology from coffee bags and can we learn about him? Can we feel better about ourselves, slightly? Lets right now.

“Every single surfboard — approximately 400,000 are made each year and of those 99.999 are made out of foam and fiberglass and also toxic resins. And it’s going to go into the water and eventually break down,” he explains.

So, Cole decided to try making his own in his garage about three years ago. “Much to my wife’s and my family’s chagrin because making surfboards as you can see is extremely dusty.” Cole adds, “But that was the first time I used jute.”

Jute is a vegetable fiber used to make coffee bags. Thanks to a local roaster, Cole stitches donated bags together. They cover the core hand-cut by Cole.

Jute eliminated the need for fiberglass.

“So this board will have zero fiberglass whatsoever …. The process is a pretty long one because what I have to do is lay this jute down and pour bio-resin on it. All surfboards use resin of some sort — again an oil-based product,” Cole says.

He opts instead for a plant-based resin. “So you pour the resin on this, it eventually cured and then you have to massage it in and then you have a solid surfboard.”

Jute.

Are you in?

Kelly Slater should be.

Damned hypocrite.