*And by Sal Masekela I mean cloying fan boy-ness!
The J-Bay contest is very rough for every single professional surf fan outside of South Africa. Oh, the wave is gorgeous, a dream, perfect, iconic and the culture is fascinating, interesting, fabulous and the history is unique, long and important but the time… that damned time… ooooeee!
Very rough.
I somehow imagined that the Corona J-Bay Pro would get underway before my tired eyes closed in the, admittedly, early evening. I was wrong. I also somehow imagined that the time would be in Australia’s wheelhouse and that Derek Rielly would get our patented “Live Chat” feature up with ease.
I was also wrong.
South Africa exists in a timezone unto itself. Like the store in O Brother, Where Art Thou? that serves FOP for Men but can’t get the auto part from anywhere in a reasonable time, South Africa is a geographical oddity.
Two weeks from anywhere.
And so I didn’t watch the contest, you didn’t watch the contest, thankfully Longtom did watch the contest (read here!) but as I went over the replays I experienced a shocking bummer.
Sal Masekela in the damned booth.
Now, you may like the man’s velvety pipes as he calls the action but there is a profound and troubling truth about Sal Masekela. A virus that threatens to infect even Joe Turpel, ’89 World Champ Martin Potter, Ron “Dog” Blakey and even our happy savior Barton Lynch.
Sal is surfing’s biggest fan boy.
Biggest by far, and you can’t even imagine how many dinners I’ve sat across from Sal as he pulled out his phone to show the audience text messages from Kelly Slater etc., how many times I’ve heard him derive personal value from his professional surfer “friends” but the fan boy drive is not his alone.
Surf media, in general, suffers from wanting to be “liked” by the professionals who dance across the waves. Wanting to be acknowledged and accepted by the hot, now surfer demanding attention but this instinct cuts across surf media’s very job.
Shouldn’t we be clinical, analytical, unmoved by personal preference or desire for hunger for proximity? Shouldn’t we all be ruthlessly immolating ourselves for the truth and for The People™?
It’s why Longtom shines. He doesn’t want friends, he wants to do the best job he possibly can. It’s how any sport’s writing/commentating works when it actually works. When writers and vocalists are free and willing to gut golden calves in order to share what matters.
And certainly what we do is not important. Certainly we operate in a backwater of a backwater but I think it’s time to demand a separation of church from state, or rather bro from bro, and bring some actual, honest critique to the booth.
Gimme Paul Evans.
Gimme Jen See.
Gimme a woman or man that has enough smarts to call it like she sees it and enough backbone to not shirk from truth.
The action in the water has never been better but, like in O Brother, Where Art Thou? the allure of popularity and closeness is pulling us toward the rocks.
It’s high time we demand a fix.
Sal seems to be a good guy. But he’s no good for commenting surfing whatsoever. Maybe he’s great for other action sports, but not surfing man. No knowledge enough, too fan boy indeed.
South Africa is literally on the GMT…. if anywhere has a geographic oddity, it is Australia!
Living in Aus means you miss basically all great sporting events…
that criticism would carry more weight if it didn’t come from the guy who immediately buddied-up with erik logan.
but its true – surfing needs a grumpy commentator. someone who’s pissed off about everything but entertaining about it. jeff van gundy calling nba games, then the halftime show with shaq and charles arguing. howard cosell back in the old days.
And one good cunt.
Gimme Paul Evans too
Longtom is the Chris Hedges of surf journo/ editorial… long live Longtom.
“The CDC on Wednesday, released its findings on a new virus known as Type 1 Masekela Measles. At present, there is no known antidote to the virus and surfing communities around the globe are gearing up to protect themselves from the resulting cringe as the virus spreads.
Common symptoms of infection include:
– Continually checking phone for texts from pro surfers
– Bro hugging
– Sporadic shakas (not loose)
– Explaining the acronym “G.O.A.T”
If you suspect that you or someone you know has contracted the virus, please immediately contact the World Surf League as they may have a position open for you.”
Fucken brilliant!!
And closer to implementation than we might imagine?
I’d really like to see something like this happen! Guerilla Cricket have been doing alternative cricket audio commentary for a few years already. So much more entertaining than the official broadcast. You just need to delay your visuals by about 30 seconds to get it in sync.
I’m sure there would be enough volunteers here at the grit to get a constant commentary stream going. With very minimal tech requirements. Probably more commentators than listeners though…
Its a red bull thing…nothing more nothing less.
Remember the good old days when Turps seemed terrified to even give any kind of 1 or 2 cent perspective, opinion, or response even while a shark attack was unfolding? He was the ultimate company man!
Just give us apartheid that’ll get rid of Sal
“The most fun you’ll ever have surfing is the first time you catch a wave–and then you start wondering who’s best–and it’s all downhill from there”. P.E.– I don’t know–just thought I’d throw that out there……..
Just reading between the lines here..
You’re not a pro surfing fan?
How about pro mud wrestling?
Women’s pro mud wrestling?
Is there another kind?
I hope not……
Seriously Freerider if you start that up “Freerider” action here I’ll shut your account down faster than you can say “I’ve been banned from nearly every surf website known to man”
Freewho? Hey Neg. Hope all is well (really). The above quote is from (one of the best surfers of all time) Phil Edwards (PE). Phil must of had his reasons for saying it.
He’s the one that said it, not me, why shoot the messenger. Just throwing it (the quote) out there–I think your viewers are hip enough to seperate the wheat from the chaff, the truth from the b-s. (or anything in between). Your one of the few websites it seems that can handle different points of views, (which draws people to it)…….Kudos………
!!!!BLOODFEUD!!!
Oh that’s fun!
Does surfing even really need pro surfing?
What’s left to ponder? \_🙄_/
No
But if you’re a surfer it’s a better punt than Filipino basketball . .
Nope! Could give two shits about it, but I think I’m the minority on BG. Heat anal-izers, replays, fucking lame.
South Africa exists in a time zone unto itself? wow Shut up man you do not know what you are talking about. You should.be talking about your neighborhood…
You are familiar with the concept of time zones aren’t you Ricardo?
I’m so sorry, Ricardo. My neighborhood exists in a time zone unto itself. Is that better?
Oh enough…fuck time zones. I agree with your take on Sal Masa-namedrop. The most telling of Sals appearance would be the WSL’s attempt to diversify by inserting the one black guy that was too vanilla for side line commentary for the NBA, and too black for calling winter x games! Sal is virtually unemployable…. he’s the Wayne Brady of action sports.
Who notices anymore?
what are action sports?
Any sport you can use an “X” in the marketing package in order to sell energy drinks.
Weenie Sucking League.
I think J-Bay is the best time zone for Australia… Kicks in at around 3pm, then runs through till around 10/11 at night. Think they call that prime-time in TV circles
That’s Perth time
A time zone un to itself
If they had lights they could go 24/7 and run all the prime times around the world and please everyone
Hhmmm
Australia time
What an interesting concept of the worlds rotational speed you must have . . .
We need James Binkerton to do the recap, same french time zone!
Oh get the man on the books pronto.
Corresponding from deep within the French Quarter, analysis laced with the ghosts of Jimmy’s conquests past
I am actually in the same time zone but somewhat closer to the Arctic Circle in Germany .
dude, just get Lee Bartlett to do all of it?!? Best all rounder any Latitude or Longitude. Sorry about you thick cunts!