Fire-crotch: “Vaginal weightlifting can
give anyone who practises it the best sex of their lives!”
By Derek Rielly
"Carrying a surfboard under your arm is a thing of
the past."
Vaginal weightlifting is an activity that would be best
described, I think, as niche.
Not for any rational reason: it’s photogenic and any sort of
championship would makes for more compelling live viewing than a
two-week surf event.
Kim Amani, a forty-seven surfer and “intimacy coach”, is a
devotee of Vaginal Kung
Fu, where a weight is inserted into the vagina with a
string attached to a heavier object, a surfboard for example.
Better orgasms via a “toned and sleek vagina” ergo better
sex.
Amani says she can lift ten pounds, or four-and-a-half
kilograms, with her genital muscles and enjoy twenty consecutive
orgasms.
“When I speak of vaginas that shoot ping pong balls and open
beer bottles and win world records, these aren’t wild exceptions to
what vaginas can do (though they are currently). Every woman
can do these things,” Amani writes on her website.
Watch: Killer Whale brutally massacres
lovable dolphin then “prances about like Donald Trump” while
showing off lifeless victims’s tail!
By Chas Smith
Or are you a Pete Buttigieg man?
If we think for, even one moment, that nature
has a heart, has benevolence and love we only have to turn our eyes
to the ocean for there we see horror and terror. We see grown men
and sometimes women choosing to stroke the horizon on stand-up
paddleboards.
We see grown men and sometimes women paddling mid-length
surfboards into the lineup. Surfboards that used to be called
“funboards” or “eggs” that only the morally illiterate went
for.
We see Killer Whales
eating the tails off of Great White Sharks, yes, but
we also see them pouncing on the “Poodle of the Sea” i.e. dolphin,
massacring then showing off its carcass exactly like the President
of the United States Donald Trump showed off the carcass of the
Democratic Party (also of the United States) post-impeachment.
Or Bernie Sanders walloping the remaining Democratic field in
last night’s debate.
Dancing on #MayorCheat’s grave.
The ocean.
Sometimes weird. Sometimes vicious.
Always entertaining.
https://www.instagram.com/p/B8Qu6bUpQ83/
No?
You’re a Pete Buttigieg man?
For shame.
But also, are Killer Whales the new “Youth against
Establishment?”
Yes?
More as the story develops.
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Ripping.
Paradise Lost: SeaWorld releases statement
declaring trainers will no longer “surf” on its “fun-loving”
dolphins for public entertainment and joy!
By Chas Smith
"Stopping trainers from treating dolphins like
surfboards..."
Killjoys really know how to kill joy and how
frustrating, in this day and age when Coronavirus is
chewing through thousands, the Maldives has turned into terror
epicenter, Mick Fanning’s stalker loves him or being a pedophile
and our World Surf League is being broken apart on the shoals of
Hawaiian bureaucracy for anyone to snatch smiles from children’s
faces but that is exactly what PETA, the People for Ethical
Treatment of Animals has done and let’s head straight to the
organization’s press release while our bile
builds.
Orlando, Fla. – Following a months-long PETA campaign that
included a damning veterinary report, a shareholder question asked
by Alec Baldwin, numerous local ads, and more, SeaWorld admits in
response to PETA’s latest shareholder proposal that it has stopped
making trainers ride on dolphins’ backs and will soon end their
practice of standing on dolphins’ faces in abhorrent circus-style
shows. In response, PETA has withdrawn its shareholder proposal
calling for an end to these cruel practices.
“Stopping trainers from treating dolphins like surfboards
means less abuse at SeaWorld, but orcas and other dolphins continue
to suffer in tiny concrete tanks,” says PETA Executive Vice
President Tracy Reiman. “The company seems intent on being dragged,
kicking and screaming, into ultimately releasing these animals to
seaside sanctuaries. PETA is calling on it to put a plan in place
now.”
Stopping trainers from treating dolphins like surfboards?
A surfboard is the very height of human development, thruster,
twin, quad and for dolphins to be treated like surfboards is to
honor them deeply.
Rage.
Unbridled rage.
Children weeping, asking why no more fun.
Dolphins weeping, having no more fun and also not playing
progressive rocker/volume games.
Send letters of rage to Alec Baldwin.
More as the story develops.
But, quickly, what shape is a dolphin?
Definitely not a fish so what?
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Watch: Wild melee ensues as bikini-clad
British tourist arrested for “indecent exposure” on Maldives beach
screaming, “Stop sexually assaulting me!”
By Chas Smith
Maldives gone wild II
And outside of Josh Kerr winning regular events
at the Four Seasons Resort Maldives at Kuda Huraa, that glorious
island nation is best known for blue water, luxury, white sand,
peace and quiet but something is shaking, some electric pulse
floating on the coconut-scented wind. Some untethered, unhinged
business and wow.
It’s Maldives gone wild.
Yesterday, we learned about an an alleged ISIS recruiter from
either Syria or Afghanistan who won the jackpot with his Maldives
posting and celebrated by going on a stabbing spree, injuring one
Australian and two Chinese.
Today, we have the story of a bikini-clad British tourist
arrested for “indecent exposure” while on the beach screaming,
“You’re sexually assaulting me!” at her captors.
Please watch here
And what a fun scene. According to the Daily
Mail:
The chief of police in the Maldives has apologised after a
bikini-clad British tourist screamed ‘you’re sexually assaulting
me’ as she was manhandled and arrested.
Footage of the arrest shows three men grappling with the
woman and trying to put her in handcuffs as she attempted to fight
them off yesterday evening.
Another man covered part of her body with a towel as she was
led away in front of a crowd of people on the island of Maafushi,
in the Kaafu atoll.
Police commissioner Mohamed Hameed said an ‘incident in
which our officers restrained a female tourist seems to be badly
handled’.
‘I apologise to the tourist and the public for this. The
challenge I have taken up is to professionalise the police service
and we are working on that,’ he said.
The woman was arrested for ‘indecent exposure’ but the
incident is now under investigation.
A few things.
Is the woman’s bikini indecent? I don’t think so at all and find
it very stylish a la Sean Connery in Zardoz.
But… why does she try to remove one of the arresting officers
wrap around sunglasses? That seems rude and uncalled for. A man’s
sunglasses are his pride and to have them removed, either via pluck
or semi-closed knuckle slap, is not cool.
Lastly, none of the men appear to have “sexual” motives here.
Can an assault just be an assault or do we live in a day an age
where that is no longer possible?
More as the story develops.
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Taj Burrow, superstar forever and a real good egg. |
Photo: VonZipper
Sponsorship bloodbath: Taj Burrow, Matt
Wilko, Alana Blanchard and co sign out!
By Derek Rielly
Goodbye and thanks for the laughs etc.
The bloodletting at former surf brand Hurley has
distended the nostrils and hardened the resolve of
every other surf co across the world.
“Why are we paying millions in pro surfer salaries?” is a very
good question being asked by new owners of Rip Curl and so on.
And, now, after twenty-five dazzlingly beautiful years at
Billabong, Taj Burrow, who’ll turn forty-two in June but who still
displays skills neither withered by age nor retirement, has gently
set himself adrift.
“After 25 of the greatest years with Billabong I’ve decided to
move on,” writes Taj, although one expects it was a failed
negotiation, ie I want 200, We’ll give you 75, that settled the
matter.
Either way, the party had to end sooner or later and Taj has
enough nuts put away to lounge in a deck hair, sip his cocktail and
feel the warm Western Australian sunshine on his skin.
Matt Wilkinson, the bandy legged former world number one
turned
restauranteur, has gone from Rip Curl, now owned by a
camping retailer, as has world number ten Nikki van Dijk and
glamour surfer Alana Blanchard, whose ass and come hither look
thrown over a suntanned shoulder sold a million Rip Curl
swimsuits.
