Watch: Wild melee ensues as bikini-clad British tourist arrested for “indecent exposure” on Maldives beach screaming, “Stop sexually assaulting me!”

Maldives gone wild II

And outside of Josh Kerr winning regular events at the Four Seasons Resort Maldives at Kuda Huraa, that glorious island nation is best known for blue water, luxury, white sand, peace and quiet but something is shaking, some electric pulse floating on the coconut-scented wind. Some untethered, unhinged business and wow.

It’s Maldives gone wild.

Yesterday, we learned about an an alleged ISIS recruiter from either Syria or Afghanistan who won the jackpot with his Maldives posting and celebrated by going on a stabbing spree, injuring one Australian and two Chinese.

Today, we have the story of a bikini-clad British tourist arrested for “indecent exposure” while on the beach screaming, “You’re sexually assaulting me!” at her captors.

Please watch here

And what a fun scene. According to the Daily Mail:

The chief of police in the Maldives has apologised after a bikini-clad British tourist screamed ‘you’re sexually assaulting me’ as she was manhandled and arrested.

Footage of the arrest shows three men grappling with the woman and trying to put her in handcuffs as she attempted to fight them off yesterday evening.

Another man covered part of her body with a towel as she was led away in front of a crowd of people on the island of Maafushi, in the Kaafu atoll.

Police commissioner Mohamed Hameed said an ‘incident in which our officers restrained a female tourist seems to be badly handled’.

‘I apologise to the tourist and the public for this. The challenge I have taken up is to professionalise the police service and we are working on that,’ he said.

The woman was arrested for ‘indecent exposure’ but the incident is now under investigation.

A few things.

Is the woman’s bikini indecent? I don’t think so at all and find it very stylish a la Sean Connery in Zardoz.

But… why does she try to remove one of the arresting officers wrap around sunglasses? That seems rude and uncalled for. A man’s sunglasses are his pride and to have them removed, either via pluck or semi-closed knuckle slap, is not cool.

Lastly, none of the men appear to have “sexual” motives here. Can an assault just be an assault or do we live in a day an age where that is no longer possible?

More as the story develops.

Taj Burrow, superstar forever and a real good egg. | Photo: VonZipper

Sponsorship bloodbath: Taj Burrow, Matt Wilko, Alana Blanchard and co sign out!

Goodbye and thanks for the laughs etc.

The bloodletting at former surf brand Hurley has distended the nostrils and hardened the resolve of every other surf co across the world.

“Why are we paying millions in pro surfer salaries?” is a very good question being asked by new owners of Rip Curl and so on.

And, now, after twenty-five dazzlingly beautiful years at Billabong, Taj Burrow, who’ll turn forty-two in June but who still displays skills neither withered by age nor retirement, has gently set himself adrift.

“After 25 of the greatest years with Billabong I’ve decided to move on,” writes Taj, although one expects it was a failed negotiation, ie I want 200, We’ll give you 75, that settled the matter.

Either way, the party had to end sooner or later and Taj has enough nuts put away to lounge in a deck hair, sip his cocktail and feel the warm Western Australian sunshine on his skin.

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After 25 of the greatest years with Billabong I’ve decided to move on. As a grom Billabong had the sickest team and made the best movies. When Jack Mccoy brought Occy and Luke Egan to my hometown to film Bunyip Dreaming i was obsessed. At 16 they offered me a deal, i was the happiest kid on Earth! Over the next few decades i was able to compete, make signature movies and fly the Billabong flag with the greatest surfers. It was like every good surfer rode for Billabong! Those years competing on tour along side Occy, Luke, Andy, Joel were insane. Along with all the other animals like Kelly and Mick, the tour was crazy! I’m so happy and proud to have been a part of that era, these guys blew my mind and inspired me daily. I’m so grateful for all the experiences i’ve had. Thank you Billabong and everyone within the company i’ve become friends with. Cheers 🙂 TB

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Matt Wilkinson, the bandy legged former world number one turned restauranteur, has gone from Rip Curl, now owned by a camping retailer, as has world number ten Nikki van Dijk and glamour surfer Alana Blanchard, whose ass and come hither look thrown over a suntanned shoulder sold a million Rip Curl swimsuits.

Who else has knife against throat?

Men and mademoiselles…

The WSL's new CEO Erik Logan may be wedged on women's surfing on the North Shore but, oowee, nothing can stop Elo from boiling over at his home beach. | Photo: @elo_eriklogan

World Surf League Gets Wedged on Hawaiian Gals Surfing!

And, question, is there any female athlete in the current Top 17 with a functioning Pipe game?

Gots to admit, I’ve been feeling flat since Sophie left the building.

I know it’s “gauche” for surf journalists to admit their feelings. We should be objective and cool and report the facts and save the feels (and salacious details) for the post-career memoir.

But still, we is human beings.

Maybe disappointed is a better term, I thought Sophie and the Ziffs were a genuine dream team, and now doubly disappointed because Sophie’s legacy as a fearless warrior for gender equality is under attack and she ain’t around to defend herself.

I speak, of course, about the proposal from Sophie’s old bête noire, the Honolulu City Council, and it’s new resolution 20-12 (the so-called Blue Crush law), mandating gals inclusion in the Hawaiian events.

I am such an unreconstructed heteronormative piece of shit I didn’t even realise they weren’t.

Chas, of course, covered the initial story but we now have the actual resolution and the WSL’s response to the resolution to dig into.

We all remember what happened with the last face-off between Sophie and the bureacratic muscle of the City and County of Honolulu: the Dept of Parks and Recreation.

Sophie tried to publicly strong-arm the short-sleeved pen pushers by claiming what an indispensable boost to tourism pro surfing was to Hawaii and the short-sleevers with the underarm stains* called her bluff.

Sophie blinked, no new Pipe permits and the dream of a restructured Tour died unlamented in a ditch.

Now, Elo and the WSL are playing a much more sophisticated game. Something like Kissinger’s Iron fist in a Silk Glove, with maybe a touch of Sun Tzu’s Art of War thrown in.

The actual resolution, spearheaded by Hawaiian core-lord Heidi Tsuneyoshi comes in hard and heavy on the WSL: WHEREAS, female competitive surfers face discrimination at certain professional surfing contests and events in terms of inclusion in competitions, access to venues and facilities, resources, competition time, and pay…

The rebuttal by the WSL is very calming but laced with a faint but distinct odour of passive-aggressive butthurt: The WSL supports Resolution No. 20-12 and commends the work of Council member Heidi Tsuneyoshi and the Committee for Equity in Women’s Surfing on this resolution. We are advocates of all positive steps that benefit and support gender equality and remain deeply committed to developing women’s surfing, aiming for long-term sustainable growth.

Heidi’s resolution then details steps forwards for gender equality including the Tokyo Olympics, WSL equal pay, a women’s Jaws event and Keala Kennelly’s Eddie Invite, before going back on the offensive: WHEREAS, unfortunately, despite this progress, gender discrimination still persists in professional surfing contests and events, including those that hold competitions on public land or otherwise utilize public venues or public resources; and

WHEREAS, for example, the failure of promoters and leagues to mandate that a womens division be included in all events on the World Championship Tour, effectively creates a loophole to equal pay achievements…..

and about 50 more WHEREAS…..which basically state it’s on public land, we dish out the permits and make the rules etc etc.

To which the WSL came in meek and mild as a lamb: Since the resolution just passed, and the permits for our events are fixed and the event schedules have now been set for several months, we are not currently in a position to immediately commit to adding a women’s division for our events on the North Shore. We plan to have further discussions with the Department of Parks and Recreations to understand their position and their timeline for the integration of a women’s division into existing events on the North Shore for which permits have already been issued.

Before signing off with another ever so slightly sniffy end note: We look forward to continuing to work with the Honolulu City Council and our partners to explore sustainable opportunities for the expansion of women’s surfing both on the North Shore and around the world.

Couple of things.

First, any parent/coach of a fifteen-year-old female athlete and by athlete I mean surfer better make sure their charge has a functioning Pipe game by the time they turn pro.

Second; what’s your favourite use of the world sustainable?

The greenwash, we-are-causing-no-harm meaning, or the more hard-edged economic we’ll-give-the-gals-what-the-market-can-afford-to-pay-them meaning?

I think the WSL presser writer’s use of the second meaning was very masterly, or mistressly.

Whatever the case may be.

Gals at Pipe?

I’m down with Heidi a hundred million per cent.

I also feel sorry Sophie’s legacy is under attack while the exit door is still swinging, especially from the sisterhood.

Thirdly, is there any female athlete in the current Top 17 with a functioning Pipe game?

Fourthly, is Tulsi 2020 officially over?

Despite requests being made, at time of writing Honolulu Councillor Heidi Tsuneyoshi was unavailable for comment.

*At least a nice floral print aloha shirt on Casual Friday.

Watch: Two killer whales harass a sinisterly large Great White shark before biting its tail clean off in “carnal frenzy!”

Nature is metal.

It was revealed here, sometime ago, that “man-eating” Great White sharks have recently vacated one of their favorite haunts in South Africa, stumping scientists and frustrating divers hoping to catch a glimpse of toothy death. Where could they have gone? Why? Well, just released footage contains possible answers as it shows two killer whales bullying a 12-foot long monster, toying with its frazzled emotions, pushing it this way and that, fun-making, likely, and taunting before biting its tail clean off, according to one witness.

Per the The New York Post:

A pair of orcas were filmed apparently hunting a great white shark off the coast of South Africa. The footage was filmed by marine tour guide Donavan Smith, who was leading tourists in a boat near Knysna, about 250 miles from Cape Town. “This is amazing. This is special stuff,” Smith can be heard saying in the 2½-minute video, which he posted on his Instagram and YouTube accounts last week. “There’s a big great white here in the water. They come and they hunt great whites.” The clip shows two killer whales swimming and peeking their dorsal fins several feet from the tour group. Meanwhile, a nearly 12-foot great white takes cover underwater, near the tour boat’s bow. Despite the “big, monster great white,” Smith tells his guests that orcas are known to feed on sharks. “It’s a shark they are hunting,” he says before the footage ends, and before the shark’s fate is revealed. “They actually bite the tails off [of the great whites] from the back.”

And I must admit to being disappointed in the cameraman’s sense of pay-off for it would have been wonderful to see the carnal frenzy, tail-less shark swimming trying to paddle with its little fins etc. but I suppose its good to exercise the imagination from time to time too.

While we’re imagining, what if Killer Whales develop a taste for surfer meat? Think upon the terror of being slowly circled, played with, harassed before having legs eaten clean off. Disturbing and here is a poem I wrote for us to ponder more deeply.

Some say the world will end by Great White,
Some say by Killer Whale.
From what I’ve tasted of might.
I hold with those who favor White.
But if it had to perish in a flail,
I think I know enough of abject terror,
To say that for destruction Whale
Is also fairer
And would avail.

Ashton Goggans (pictured) showing a senior editor hopeful the door.
Ashton Goggans (pictured) showing a senior editor hopeful the door.

Found: The lucky man who gets to suckle at the robust teat of surfing’s most influential voice as Stab magazine’s new senior editor!

Sent a one-page cover letter and single page resume to: [email protected]

The world was thrown into a tizzy, days ago, when surfing’s most influential voice, Stab Editor-in-Chief Ashton Goggans was on the lookout for a new senior editor to be his right hand. Resumes flew fast and furious but one stood out and if longtime underground star Nugable is not on his way to Venice-adjacent right now it will be a bigger sham than the Iowa caucus…

The Nike/Hurley sale is perhaps the biggest surf industry story of the last decade. How would you cover it, what stories would you want to read?

Andy Irons was the biggest story in the last decade. Hurley being sold to (*stolen by) a venture capitalist isn’t even close.

You can interview one current A-List surfer. Who do you call and what questions do you ask?

I’d interview Gabe Medina and ask him if Gerry Lopez appeared in a commercial spot with Richard Nixon and Pol Pot instead of appearing in Big Wednesday, would we still love him?

Pick two products from brands that you think would be good fits for Stab’s audience, and give us 150-300 words about each.

I don’t write advertising copy. Sorry.

Grab your two favorite short surf clips from the last year from YouTube or Vimeo, and give us a 300-word write up for a post on our site.

I stopped watching surf clips when Marine Layer Productions died. Instead, I’d make a Tik Tok story about how much I miss Vine and Marine Layer.

Send a one-page cover letter and single page resume to: [email protected]

I sent the last copy of my resume to Big Brother Skateboard Magazine. They haven’t called back yet, but my fingers are crossed.

The look on Ashton Goggan's face (pictured) after reading his new senior editor's work.
The look on Ashton Goggan’s face (pictured) after reading his new senior editor’s work.