Watch: Killer Whale brutally massacres lovable dolphin then “prances about like Donald Trump” while showing off lifeless victims’s tail!

Or are you a Pete Buttigieg man?

If we think for, even one moment, that nature has a heart, has benevolence and love we only have to turn our eyes to the ocean for there we see horror and terror. We see grown men and sometimes women choosing to stroke the horizon on stand-up paddleboards.

We see grown men and sometimes women paddling mid-length surfboards into the lineup. Surfboards that used to be called “funboards” or “eggs” that only the morally illiterate went for.

We see Killer Whales eating the tails off of Great White Sharks, yes, but we also see them pouncing on the “Poodle of the Sea” i.e. dolphin, massacring then showing off its carcass exactly like the President of the United States Donald Trump showed off the carcass of the Democratic Party (also of the United States) post-impeachment.

Or Bernie Sanders walloping the remaining Democratic field in last night’s debate.

Dancing on #MayorCheat’s grave.

The ocean.

Sometimes weird. Sometimes vicious.

Always entertaining.


You’re a Pete Buttigieg man?

For shame.

But also, are Killer Whales the new “Youth against Establishment?”


More as the story develops.


Paradise Lost: SeaWorld releases statement declaring trainers will no longer “surf” on its “fun-loving” dolphins for public entertainment and joy!

"Stopping trainers from treating dolphins like surfboards..."

Killjoys really know how to kill joy and how frustrating, in this day and age when Coronavirus is chewing through thousands, the Maldives has turned into terror epicenter, Mick Fanning’s stalker loves him or being a pedophile and our World Surf League is being broken apart on the shoals of Hawaiian bureaucracy for anyone to snatch smiles from children’s faces but that is exactly what PETA, the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals has done and let’s head straight to the organization’s press release while our bile builds.

Orlando, Fla. – Following a months-long PETA campaign that included a damning veterinary report, a shareholder question asked by Alec Baldwin, numerous local ads, and more, SeaWorld admits in response to PETA’s latest shareholder proposal that it has stopped making trainers ride on dolphins’ backs and will soon end their practice of standing on dolphins’ faces in abhorrent circus-style shows. In response, PETA has withdrawn its shareholder proposal calling for an end to these cruel practices.

“Stopping trainers from treating dolphins like surfboards means less abuse at SeaWorld, but orcas and other dolphins continue to suffer in tiny concrete tanks,” says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. “The company seems intent on being dragged, kicking and screaming, into ultimately releasing these animals to seaside sanctuaries. PETA is calling on it to put a plan in place now.”

Stopping trainers from treating dolphins like surfboards?

A surfboard is the very height of human development, thruster, twin, quad and for dolphins to be treated like surfboards is to honor them deeply.


Unbridled rage.

Children weeping, asking why no more fun.

Dolphins weeping, having no more fun and also not playing progressive rocker/volume games.

Send letters of rage to Alec Baldwin.

More as the story develops.

But, quickly, what shape is a dolphin?

Definitely not a fish so what?

Watch: Wild melee ensues as bikini-clad British tourist arrested for “indecent exposure” on Maldives beach screaming, “Stop sexually assaulting me!”

Maldives gone wild II

And outside of Josh Kerr winning regular events at the Four Seasons Resort Maldives at Kuda Huraa, that glorious island nation is best known for blue water, luxury, white sand, peace and quiet but something is shaking, some electric pulse floating on the coconut-scented wind. Some untethered, unhinged business and wow.

It’s Maldives gone wild.

Yesterday, we learned about an an alleged ISIS recruiter from either Syria or Afghanistan who won the jackpot with his Maldives posting and celebrated by going on a stabbing spree, injuring one Australian and two Chinese.

Today, we have the story of a bikini-clad British tourist arrested for “indecent exposure” while on the beach screaming, “You’re sexually assaulting me!” at her captors.

Please watch here

And what a fun scene. According to the Daily Mail:

The chief of police in the Maldives has apologised after a bikini-clad British tourist screamed ‘you’re sexually assaulting me’ as she was manhandled and arrested.

Footage of the arrest shows three men grappling with the woman and trying to put her in handcuffs as she attempted to fight them off yesterday evening.

Another man covered part of her body with a towel as she was led away in front of a crowd of people on the island of Maafushi, in the Kaafu atoll.

Police commissioner Mohamed Hameed said an ‘incident in which our officers restrained a female tourist seems to be badly handled’.

‘I apologise to the tourist and the public for this. The challenge I have taken up is to professionalise the police service and we are working on that,’ he said.

The woman was arrested for ‘indecent exposure’ but the incident is now under investigation.

A few things.

Is the woman’s bikini indecent? I don’t think so at all and find it very stylish a la Sean Connery in Zardoz.

But… why does she try to remove one of the arresting officers wrap around sunglasses? That seems rude and uncalled for. A man’s sunglasses are his pride and to have them removed, either via pluck or semi-closed knuckle slap, is not cool.

Lastly, none of the men appear to have “sexual” motives here. Can an assault just be an assault or do we live in a day an age where that is no longer possible?

More as the story develops.

Taj Burrow, superstar forever and a real good egg. | Photo: VonZipper

Sponsorship bloodbath: Taj Burrow, Matt Wilko, Alana Blanchard and co sign out!

Goodbye and thanks for the laughs etc.

The bloodletting at former surf brand Hurley has distended the nostrils and hardened the resolve of every other surf co across the world.

“Why are we paying millions in pro surfer salaries?” is a very good question being asked by new owners of Rip Curl and so on.

And, now, after twenty-five dazzlingly beautiful years at Billabong, Taj Burrow, who’ll turn forty-two in June but who still displays skills neither withered by age nor retirement, has gently set himself adrift.

“After 25 of the greatest years with Billabong I’ve decided to move on,” writes Taj, although one expects it was a failed negotiation, ie I want 200, We’ll give you 75, that settled the matter.

Either way, the party had to end sooner or later and Taj has enough nuts put away to lounge in a deck hair, sip his cocktail and feel the warm Western Australian sunshine on his skin.

Matt Wilkinson, the bandy legged former world number one turned restauranteur, has gone from Rip Curl, now owned by a camping retailer, as has world number ten Nikki van Dijk and glamour surfer Alana Blanchard, whose ass and come hither look thrown over a suntanned shoulder sold a million Rip Curl swimsuits.

Who else has knife against throat?

Men and mademoiselles…

The WSL's new CEO Erik Logan may be wedged on women's surfing on the North Shore but, oowee, nothing can stop Elo from boiling over at his home beach. | Photo: @elo_eriklogan

World Surf League Gets Wedged on Hawaiian Gals Surfing!

And, question, is there any female athlete in the current Top 17 with a functioning Pipe game?

Gots to admit, I’ve been feeling flat since Sophie left the building.

I know it’s “gauche” for surf journalists to admit their feelings. We should be objective and cool and report the facts and save the feels (and salacious details) for the post-career memoir.

But still, we is human beings.

Maybe disappointed is a better term, I thought Sophie and the Ziffs were a genuine dream team, and now doubly disappointed because Sophie’s legacy as a fearless warrior for gender equality is under attack and she ain’t around to defend herself.

I speak, of course, about the proposal from Sophie’s old bête noire, the Honolulu City Council, and it’s new resolution 20-12 (the so-called Blue Crush law), mandating gals inclusion in the Hawaiian events.

I am such an unreconstructed heteronormative piece of shit I didn’t even realise they weren’t.

Chas, of course, covered the initial story but we now have the actual resolution and the WSL’s response to the resolution to dig into.

We all remember what happened with the last face-off between Sophie and the bureacratic muscle of the City and County of Honolulu: the Dept of Parks and Recreation.

Sophie tried to publicly strong-arm the short-sleeved pen pushers by claiming what an indispensable boost to tourism pro surfing was to Hawaii and the short-sleevers with the underarm stains* called her bluff.

Sophie blinked, no new Pipe permits and the dream of a restructured Tour died unlamented in a ditch.

Now, Elo and the WSL are playing a much more sophisticated game. Something like Kissinger’s Iron fist in a Silk Glove, with maybe a touch of Sun Tzu’s Art of War thrown in.

The actual resolution, spearheaded by Hawaiian core-lord Heidi Tsuneyoshi comes in hard and heavy on the WSL: WHEREAS, female competitive surfers face discrimination at certain professional surfing contests and events in terms of inclusion in competitions, access to venues and facilities, resources, competition time, and pay…

The rebuttal by the WSL is very calming but laced with a faint but distinct odour of passive-aggressive butthurt: The WSL supports Resolution No. 20-12 and commends the work of Council member Heidi Tsuneyoshi and the Committee for Equity in Women’s Surfing on this resolution. We are advocates of all positive steps that benefit and support gender equality and remain deeply committed to developing women’s surfing, aiming for long-term sustainable growth.

Heidi’s resolution then details steps forwards for gender equality including the Tokyo Olympics, WSL equal pay, a women’s Jaws event and Keala Kennelly’s Eddie Invite, before going back on the offensive: WHEREAS, unfortunately, despite this progress, gender discrimination still persists in professional surfing contests and events, including those that hold competitions on public land or otherwise utilize public venues or public resources; and

WHEREAS, for example, the failure of promoters and leagues to mandate that a womens division be included in all events on the World Championship Tour, effectively creates a loophole to equal pay achievements…..

and about 50 more WHEREAS…..which basically state it’s on public land, we dish out the permits and make the rules etc etc.

To which the WSL came in meek and mild as a lamb: Since the resolution just passed, and the permits for our events are fixed and the event schedules have now been set for several months, we are not currently in a position to immediately commit to adding a women’s division for our events on the North Shore. We plan to have further discussions with the Department of Parks and Recreations to understand their position and their timeline for the integration of a women’s division into existing events on the North Shore for which permits have already been issued.

Before signing off with another ever so slightly sniffy end note: We look forward to continuing to work with the Honolulu City Council and our partners to explore sustainable opportunities for the expansion of women’s surfing both on the North Shore and around the world.

Couple of things.

First, any parent/coach of a fifteen-year-old female athlete and by athlete I mean surfer better make sure their charge has a functioning Pipe game by the time they turn pro.

Second; what’s your favourite use of the world sustainable?

The greenwash, we-are-causing-no-harm meaning, or the more hard-edged economic we’ll-give-the-gals-what-the-market-can-afford-to-pay-them meaning?

I think the WSL presser writer’s use of the second meaning was very masterly, or mistressly.

Whatever the case may be.

Gals at Pipe?

I’m down with Heidi a hundred million per cent.

I also feel sorry Sophie’s legacy is under attack while the exit door is still swinging, especially from the sisterhood.

Thirdly, is there any female athlete in the current Top 17 with a functioning Pipe game?

Fourthly, is Tulsi 2020 officially over?

Despite requests being made, at time of writing Honolulu Councillor Heidi Tsuneyoshi was unavailable for comment.

*At least a nice floral print aloha shirt on Casual Friday.