Get laid tonight!

I don’t have many occasions to feel good about my surfing ability. I know who I am, what I am, not that it robs any pleasure, any joy,  I feel at bogging a roundhouse cutback. At doing a “floater” going “backside.”

Zero disillusionment. Full transparency. Still, pure joy.

And today that joy was enhanced by the realization that I likely surf* better than the great Laird Hamilton.

You do too, since you surf* better than me.

And let me explain.

Laird Hamilton is the name that pops into every fringe-surfer, non-surfer’s mind when they hear the word “surf”, no?

The Maui now Malibu legend cemented his position in the VAL and/or VAL-adjacent hierarchy decades ago.

He is who your grandma thinks about when she thinks about a “surfer.”

He is who hangs on the World Surf League’s new CEO and Lord Commander’s office wall.

He is a saint.

And you surf* better.

I surf* better.

Don’t believe?

When was the last time you saw Laird Hamilton paddle himself into a wave on any respectable surf craft?

30 years ago?

Never?

That’s right. Laird is perpetual Waterperson of the Year (apologies to Dirk Ziff), inventor of modern day SUPping, hydrofoil, strapped tow-in master but…

…if the ice bath frozen cro-magnon paddled out to your lineup, with his own arms, on a surfboard*, you’d smash him.

No?

He hasn’t put his toes in that sorta wax in forever. Since losing to Rick Kane.

For sure. He only does weird surfing shit plus longboarding. He’d have no idea how to even pump down a straight line.

No?

Listen and then tell me how we wouldn’t smash that cro-magnon in a surf-off.

*surf, surfboard, surfing all refer to the real stuff. Some sort of shortboard paddled with arms.

Also, if you listen to podcast I say Justin Timberlake and Jessica Beal were at Sugarfish. In real life it was Brian Austin Green and Meghan Fox but you can certainly understand my confusion.

"An amazing human being!"

Remember when, last week or maybe two weeks ago, once proud Hurley’s corpse was being paraded through the streets mourned so woefully? Non-surfing east coast interlopers swinging in, cutting the brand into pieces and licensing those pieces out. A beard oil line launched. Employees fired in droves. Team riders disappeared each and every one. John John Florence walking away from, allegedly, millions of dollars in disgust. Stab magazine’s Ashton “Bilbo” Goggans, spilling every ounce of ink, declaring it the “story of the decade.”

Hurt, rage, sadness.

Well, today the very famous Carissa Moore “extended her partnership” with the new owners and let’s press release together.

The Hurley Brand (“Hurley”) is proud to announce it has extended its multi-year partnership with Olympian and 4X World Champion surfer, Carissa Moore.

A prodigious talent, Carissa Moore has been a massive presence in competitive surfing since the moment she put on a jersey, racking up eleven national titles in her amateur career before arriving on the World Championship Tour in 2010, winning World Titles in 2011, 2013, 2015 and 2019. Following her storied 2019 season, Carissa qualified for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, where she will go for the gold as part of Team USA.

“Carissa is an amazing human being, in and out of the water. We couldn’t be more excited to have her continue to partner with us and we can’t wait to see what she accomplishes in Tokyo and beyond,” said Brandon Guilmette, Chief Marketing Officer at Hurley.

With a larger focus being placed on the Hurley Women’s business, and exciting new partnerships with Hybrid Apparel for sportswear and InMocean for swim, Carissa will be the center of this evolving division for Hurley.

“I’m excited to be extending my partnership with Hurley. There has been a lot of change recently but I’m optimistic about the future and opportunity for growth. Hurley’s innovation has helped me perform my best in and out of the water. I am looking forward to contributing to the design process with the team for 2020 and beyond,” said the 4X World Champion, Carissa Moore.

This signing on the heels “quiet negotiations” to bring back some of the once-greatest surf team ever assembled amid “furious backlash” according to BeachGrit’s own Derek Rielly, stealing the “story of the decade” from poor Ashton Goggans while the boy had his lovely, soft eyes on the buffet bar, wondering how high prime rib can be stacked and wondering how many succulent ribs can fit alongside.

Now, in light of… all things, will these newly resigned surfers be hailed as financially prudent heroes unbent by the cries of a flimsy public or scabs crossing a picket line?

Moore as the story develops.

Back to the drawing board!

If there is one thing that the world’s biggest surf adjacent website does better than any, it’s kicking a dead horse. Kick, kick, kick. And yesterday’s announcement by famous surfer and noted philanthropist* Kelly Slater is laying there, bloated in the desert. And there I stand so happy, so overjoyed, kick, kick, kicking.

The angles covered thus far: Kelly Slater is building a wave tank that features homes, a hotel and multiple dining venues. Kalani Robb and Cheyne Mag announced theirs a year ago in the already existing Wet n Wild. The Hobgoods, Josh Kerr and Shane Beschen announced a new Wavegarden months ago. CJ Hobgood taunted Kelly.

The angles yet to cover: Dirk Ziff’s relationship with Michael B. Schwab and various levels of jealousy as to who is better friends with Kelly Slater, how Shane Beschen got the invite into the Hobgood x Kerr duo, what sort of food will be served at Kelly Slater’s “multiple dining venues,” how the flood of surfers will mesh with Palm Spring’s exiting lesbian community, pricing, Kelly Slater’s teased “new wave, stand alone design, seen nowhere in the world.”

Whoa!

Can we unpack** that last one?

Let’s read the entire quote, in full, once again, paying attention to each and every word.

“We’re excited to make another KSWaveCo design and I’m personally excited to create a new wave that will be a stand alone design that nowhere else in the world has. This can become the blueprint for new developments around waves and surf parks going forward and is in line with some of my original ideas from when we started this project.”

Ok.

So.

Surf Ranch, there in Lemoore, was built as a test facility, no? The probable future. Does the fact that Kelly Slater and co. are designing a new wave, a stand alone design, nowhere else in the world, “in line” with some of his “original ideas” strike you as wild?

Famous commenter and noted champion of disabled surfers Negatron mentioned in yesterday’s discussion “No way it’ll be a train running down a straight line.”

But what will it be?

What can it be?

And does this whole thing mean that Surf Ranch was a failure?

Or was Surf Ranch a red herring?

Will the Webber Wave Pool finally be unveiled except with the name “Webber” scribbled out and “Kelly Slater” written over top?

Help!

* It is unknown if Kelly Slater has ever given money to charity.

** Do you like when “unpack” is used in this context?