Back to the drawing board!

If there is one thing that the world’s biggest surf adjacent website does better than any, it’s kicking a dead horse. Kick, kick, kick. And yesterday’s announcement by famous surfer and noted philanthropist* Kelly Slater is laying there, bloated in the desert. And there I stand so happy, so overjoyed, kick, kick, kicking.

The angles covered thus far: Kelly Slater is building a wave tank that features homes, a hotel and multiple dining venues. Kalani Robb and Cheyne Mag announced theirs a year ago in the already existing Wet n Wild. The Hobgoods, Josh Kerr and Shane Beschen announced a new Wavegarden months ago. CJ Hobgood taunted Kelly.

The angles yet to cover: Dirk Ziff’s relationship with Michael B. Schwab and various levels of jealousy as to who is better friends with Kelly Slater, how Shane Beschen got the invite into the Hobgood x Kerr duo, what sort of food will be served at Kelly Slater’s “multiple dining venues,” how the flood of surfers will mesh with Palm Spring’s exiting lesbian community, pricing, Kelly Slater’s teased “new wave, stand alone design, seen nowhere in the world.”

Whoa!

Can we unpack** that last one?

Let’s read the entire quote, in full, once again, paying attention to each and every word.

“We’re excited to make another KSWaveCo design and I’m personally excited to create a new wave that will be a stand alone design that nowhere else in the world has. This can become the blueprint for new developments around waves and surf parks going forward and is in line with some of my original ideas from when we started this project.”

Ok.

So.

Surf Ranch, there in Lemoore, was built as a test facility, no? The probable future. Does the fact that Kelly Slater and co. are designing a new wave, a stand alone design, nowhere else in the world, “in line” with some of his “original ideas” strike you as wild?

Famous commenter and noted champion of disabled surfers Negatron mentioned in yesterday’s discussion “No way it’ll be a train running down a straight line.”

But what will it be?

What can it be?

And does this whole thing mean that Surf Ranch was a failure?

Or was Surf Ranch a red herring?

Will the Webber Wave Pool finally be unveiled except with the name “Webber” scribbled out and “Kelly Slater” written over top?

Help!

* It is unknown if Kelly Slater has ever given money to charity.

** Do you like when “unpack” is used in this context?

A "green light" for the Big Wave Invitational presented by Husqvarna.

And while we have all had our eyes pointed towards California’s desert, where the world’s most famous surfer and noted environmentalist, Kelly Slater, just declared war on one-time friend Kalani Robb and one-time neighbors CJ and Damien Hobgood, climate change has descended upon North America’s Great Lakes which just received a “green light” for its inaugural Big Wave Invitational presented by Husqvarna.

Unbelievable but true and let’s quickly turn to CNN and its lauded meteorologists for the latest.

Towering waves are forming Thursday on the Great Lakes, with swells that could reach 20 feet, CNN meteorologists said.

Huge waves already have been spotted over southern Lake Michigan, following a mass of cold air that pushed a north wind over the region, CNN meteorologist Michael Guy said.
Lake Ontario could get waves of up to 20 feet near its center, Guy said. Waves as tall as 10 feet could form on Lakes Huron and Erie, peaking on their southern shores.
More than 2 million people south of Lakes Michigan, Erie and Ontario are under lakeshore flood warnings Thursday, CNN meteorologist Dave Hennen said.

Imagine. 20 foot waves, towering 20 foot waves even, in those bodies of freshwater straddling Canada and The United States. 20 foot waves. Kelly Slater struggles to get a wave over 4 feet in his body of freshwater and could it be that God has built a better wave tank than the greatest surfer of all time?

Let’s not let our minds wander there. Let’s force them, instead, to wander over to Ben Gravy. The famous YouTuber and noted novelty wave pioneer has to be there, no? Has to be waxing his gun even as I type these words. There are absolutely zero critiques of Gravy’s ability etc. but if there was one it would be that he enjoys very little waves and can only ride very little waves.

A 20 foot novelty wave?

If Ben Gravy had one critic that one critic would bury his head in shame at the sight of the longer hair’d boy carving down a monster.

Don’t you agree?

More as the story develops.

Intolerance.

As if Louisiana’s surfers did not have it bad enough. As if there were not enough troubles and travails in their lives already. First, a whole mess of northerners discovered their Popeye’s chicken sandwiches and gobbled them all up, leaving none for the Cajuns. Then a study came out that declared the state the worst place to live in the entire union. And now a 2000 lbs, fifteen-foot Great White shark has made her way very near the coast, starving for Pontchartrain wave sliders and at the very beginning of Lent, no less, when those Pontchartrain wave sliders are starving for meat, along with waves, themselves.

Very rude.

Very thoughtless and intolerant but let’s go straight to the local news for more as is both our duty and right.

“Wow look where white shark Unama’ki is! She has moved west of the Mississippi River in the Gulf of Mexico,” OCEARCH tweeted Tuesday. “It’s the first time we’ve tracked a white shark to this area off the coast of Louisiana.”

When Unama’ki pinged south of New Orleans on Fat Tuesday, they joked that she wanted to join the Mardi Gras celebration.

Join the Mardi Gras celebration by snacking on surfers, getting all wasted on surfer blood, throwing surfer metatarsals like beads to randy women showing off their breasts.

Extremely intolerant.

Many in the “scientific community” are excited by the arrival of Unama’ki, declaring that her presence suggests that the Gulf of Mexico near Louisiana is crawling with delicious seafoods. Healthy etc. but we all know the Great White’s favorite treat is surfer feet.

We know to stay out of the water for at least three, maybe four, weeks and spend that time hunting Popeye’s chicken sandwiches. Have you tried? Delicious? Delicious to humans like surfer feet are to Great Whites?

More as the story develops.