A composite sketch of the modern surfer as revealed under the burning hot klieg light of pandemic disease!

A helpful tool.

This Coronavirus, evil, malicious, bad, etc. is evil, malicious and bad but we here are anti-depressive sorts, glass always at least half full, and over the past three odd months, under its burning bright klieg light, we have learned so much.

A composite of the modern surfer, for example, has become perfectly clear. This knowledge can be used to lift heretofore failing brands out of the wreckage. To dust off Santa Monica’s World Surf League and allow it to soar.

So who is he?

The modern surfer is slightly overweight.

The modern surfer rides a variety of surfboards but refers to them all as crafts or sleds.

The modern surfer is very anti-firearm.

The modern surfer loves to shoot a firearm, when culturally appropriate, and cannot stifle his giggle.

The modern surfer is hyper aware of his age and the tropes associated with his age, ironically sending them up while earnestly embracing at the same time. (Example: Instagram self-portrait featuring a full beard, jaunty hat, dangling cigarette or joint, pants cuffed high with caption: “Living that 34-year-old life!)

The modern surfer prides himself on being well-read and wise.

The modern surfer skims The New York Times on his phone and draws wisdom from something he heard Malcom Gladwell say on a podcast.

The modern surfer is a progressive free thinker deriving his own opinions from all available information.

The modern surfer is gregarious and handsy in public, head thrown back and howls of laughter when something funny has been said, hands on friends’ shoulders for a playful massage, etc. This behavior is ramped up by four when a camera is present.

The modern surfer has grown up soft but spices his history, in the retelling, with tales of daring-do from fathers, uncles, etc. (Example: My dad was a pirate, in a punk band, jailed, etc.)

The modern surfer decries the stupidity of dumb, ignorant, white middle American/Australian racist hicks.

The modern surfer is extremely tolerant.

The modern surfer drinks craft cocktails, craft beer, cheap wine.

The modern surfer is a feminist.

The modern surfer does not believe anything unless it first appears in establishment media and is backed by establishment-approved pundits.

The modern surfer believes himself to be a “power surfer.”

The modern surfer loves the ease and comfort of not having to break-up with chicks face-to-face anymore thanks to app dating.

The modern surfer drops phrases like “Get out there this morning?” “Couple fun little head dips.” “Might get out there later.” and will participate in every #HomeBreakChallenge “SprayChallenge” but also believes that defining himself as a “surfer” is limiting and pointless.

The modern surfer is “here for a good time, not a long time.”

The modern surfer makes sure to follow every edict that pertains to “staying safe” in the age of pandemic disease and quickly resorts to public shaming of those who put him in danger.

The modern surfer has done and will do cocaine in a public bathroom.

The modern surfer has blocked an average of 6 people on Instagram.

The modern surfer would never say it out loud but considers himself an “influencer” amongst his 3k – 8k followers.