American heroes.
American heroes.

Watch: Brave Florida fishermen hook, beach, “menacing” six-foot bull shark intent on devouring recently freed “Coronavirus Prisoners!”

Extremely worrisome.

And finally, finally, after many months of being forced to shelter-in-place due a Chinese-concocted bat-based pandemic, governors and mayors across these great United States are loosening restrictions, and releasing Coronavirus prisoners.

Free at last, free at last.

Floridians, of course, are making their way back to the beaches, paler and fatter, but also happy to feel that sun, taste the brine of that salt water.

Don’t be fooled for one second, though, in thinking “man-eating” sharks are not enterprising, savvy, intelligent beasts.

A species is not designated “apex predator” by being second best.

So let us travel to Navarre Beach, near Pensacola, across the sound from Walmart, for that is where a much-too-large bull shark decided to lay siege and feast upon unprepared, less-than-fit, ecstatic-just-to-be-outdoors revelers but we must go to Fox News for the entire fair and balanced story.

A group of three anglers managed to catch a bull shark while fishing off Navarre Beach on Sunday — the first weekend the beaches were opened since being closed due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The giant shark was towed to the shore, where the men posed with it for videos and photos.

According to Shelley Goudy of Fort Walton, who took the video of the proud fishermen, the group caught the shark by “kayaking their line out around 200 yards,” she told WKRG.

Goudy estimated the bull shark to be around six feet long.

Though the men were excited and asked to pose with the shark, they followed protocols and cut the shark loose. Bull sharks measuring over 54 inches are not considered harvestable under Florida Fish and Wildlife laws.

Wait? The bull shark was cut loose?

Still out there planning revenge?

Oh hell.

But how many Floridians could a six-foot bull shark fit in its mouth at one time?

Three?

One and a half if two had been to the local Krystals beforehand?

Much to ponder.

Extremely worrisome.


Rebellion: Surf hero and architect of original “Dream Tour” Wayne “Rabbit” Bartholomew floats idea of Pacific Rim World Tour!

Hope springs eternal!

Nostalgia is a disease, on that we can agree, but we can also agree that the greatest time in the history of professional surfing was from 1999 – 2011 or thereabouts. For it was then that Wayne “Rabbit” Bartholomew floated the Dream Tour, placing the world’s best surfers on the world’s best waves and… oh I don’t need to remind you of the glorious. The singular glories.

Brodie Carr deftly snagged the reigns and guided the Association of Surfing Professionals and it seemed as though it would never end.

A golden era.

Well, co-Waterperson of the Year Dirk Ziff purchased the whole thing for free in 2012, began construction of the Wall of Positive Noise and here we are today.

Coronavirused.

A bloated, busted “media organization” that has little chance of reviving this year and storm clouds already hovering over next.

Could Rabbit get the gang (Brodie) back together and re-wrest control of the Pastime of Kings away from ELo and co.?

Let’s turn to Australia’s Gold Coast Bulletin for clues.

Since the World Surf League tour both WCT (World Championship Tour) and WQS (World Qualifying Series) has been on hold after Sydney Pro the last event held in March 14th, there has been mounting speculation as to what happens next.

Logan said as if it was a lay day contest call, “Everything is on hold until another announcement on June 1st.”

This leaves JBay (July), Teahupoo (August), Kelly’s Wave Ranch (September), France and Portugal in October, and Hawaii. (December. Outside oh Hawaii, it would seem unlikely that these events will happen considering the travelling issue and without a vaccine for COVID.

The problem for surfing unlike other sports such as NRL is that it is World Professional Surfing is a Global World Tour.

If restrictions are suitably lifted for travelling and the threat of the virus is contained, it could be possible for the World Tour to resume by September.

One scenario proposed by former President/CEO of ASP (former Administration of World Surf League) Wayne “Rabbit” Bartholomew is to create a Pacific rim tour including WAs Margaret River & Victoria’s Bells Beach.

Throw in Tavarua Fiji, Teahupoo Tahiti and then finish in Hawaii at Pipe.

“It’s a restricted World Tour of types but held in quality wave locations and a way to crown the World Champions for 2020,” said Bartholomew the architect of the ASP World Dream Tour who introduced events in exotic locations renown for excellent waves.

BOOM.

Of course Rabbit is offering his expertise, free of charge, to the World Surf League BUT the fact that he is even thinking about alternative scenarios makes my heart sing.

Brodie?

Are you reading?

Surfing now turns its lonely eyes to you.


Weaponised turds!

Weaponised ass-play: Lennox Head local smears out-of-towner’s car with human turd; Leo Fioravanti reportedly fined for surfing out of postcode!

Local heavy resorts to old classic!

If you’d listened to our Dirty Water podcast with Lennox Head habitué Steve “Longtom” Shearer on Saturday, you would’ve been fed a lovely story of how locals there, once awesomely territorial, had become a shadow of their former fury. 

The facts paint a diff story, however. 

Kelly Slater, reportedly, forced to capitulate to big local and offer recompense after maybe fading a local kid; a public warning issued to “the people of QLD and the Byron Shire to stay away from his local until this virus-nightmare is over.”

And, before COVID, the prolonged court case of the famous mat rider jumping a former world number two and, according to the attackee, “standing on top of me and as he was doing that he was pulling my hair.”

(Note: order the most advanced surf mat ever made, here, for $US195.)

Now, it can be revealed, that police are investigating the smearing of human shit onto the door of a vehicle with Queensland license plates, telling one local shop owner they knew who committed the offence and were searching for witnesses.

(Interestingly, one prime suspect may be off the hook because he’s too short to get his asshole over the door handle.)

Lennox, of course, ain’t a town of snitches, so I suspect it’ll be a game of  we know who, they know who, but cops come around and I got no clue.

Good luck to the brave police-people investigating.

“Maybe don’t park with Queensland or Byron rego,” said one local. “They closed the top carpark at the lookout because of COVID so it’s deep congestion at the bottom carpark and a shit-fight along the side of the road.”

Further, there are reports that Italian superpower Leo Fioravanti was one of twenty-seven surfers hit with thousand-dollar fines for driving from the Gold Coast and surrounds surf Lennox area.

Meanwhile, in Sawtell, a few hours south.

Greetings from Sawtell!

 


The sheer terror of flipping a surf-kayak in the lineup (pictured).
The sheer terror of flipping a surf-kayak in the lineup (pictured).

Dire: Surf-kayak market “one of the fastest growing and expected to witness substantial growth in the forecast years!”

"Current trends suggest that major manufacturers will see double and triple earnings as ocean-going enthusiasts prefer the safety and ease of surf-kayaks."

This Coronavirus sure has done strange things to people. Those who seemed steeled and brave wilted under the threat of a Chinese-made virus targeting the grossly overweight. Those who seemed weak and small mocked the idea of face masks and demanded their freedom to get haircuts.

Surfers viciously turned on other surfers, deriving unvarnished glee in snitching to Johnny Law.

And the surf-kayak market exploded, very likely surpassing the dreaded SUP as the “number one wave sliding method for the mentally and physically handicapped” according to new Verified Market Research.

Do we dare read a smidge?

Verified Market Research recently published a research report titled, Surf-kayaks Market Study Report 2020. The research report is created based on historical and forecast data derived from researchers using primary and secondary methods. The Surf-kayaks market is one of the fastest-growing markets and is expected to witness substantial growth in the forecast years.

Current trends suggest that major manufacturers will see double and triple earnings as ocean-going enthusiasts prefer the safety and ease of surf-kayaks.

Surf-kayakers will experience a rapid consolidation of power in the wave zone as they hold distinct advantage over traditional surfboard surfers and standup paddleboard surfers in wave catching and speed.

Learn more here.

The full report, of course, costs money and I didn’t pay but have you ever been taken out by a surf-kayak in the lineup?

I’ve had to duck dive one, once, and am terrified about their swelling ranks.

Terrified enough to consider Team Skindog.

More as the story develops.


Breaking: Sensible surf media slams BeachGrit as “irresponsible”; reveals “major brush with Covid!”

"I don't like the odds of there being many 'responsible surfers' out there."

And who could have ever guessed, at the very beginning of 2020 when it was revealed that a Chinese man either ate, or fiddled with, a bat and unleashed a heretofore unknown disease into the world that surfers and surfing would end up center stage?

Truth is stranger than fiction, I suppose, but here we are with surfers and surfing dominating the debate over responsible behavior in the time of Coronavirus. New York Times features of Huntington Beach protests. Nightly news broadcasts of “crowded” lineups from Bondi to The Wedge.

Op-eds flying back and forth.

Yesterday, for example, you read here the wonderful story of Transhumanist Zoltan who dared surf in a nearby town. A small act of defiance that should be understood and applauded by surfers everywhere?

I would have thought, but this pandemic has laid bare who we really are. Dirty, rat fink snitches and Zoltan caught hell on social media with many surfers viciously criticizing his decision, some even imagining that Bolinas, California, a stone’s throw from San Francisco, is “secret.”

Well, as things work, the sensible surf media came swinging in to condemn Transhumanist souls yearning to surf free and shall we read a snippet from Stab magazine?

Examples like the above are obviously hypothetical, but I know several individuals who have driven either south or north of Sydney since the beach closures, one of which later had a Covid scare. In theory, local beach openings are fine, and a good way for people to exercise while keeping their distance, but the reality is much trickier; a point which the author of the Times article strangely seems to agree with. “[Q]uarantine rules must apply to everyone or the plan to flatten the curve doesn’t work.” A strange point considering he goes on to argue “responsible surfers” should be granted the rights to paddle out, get tubbed (read: nosedive for most of us), and head home. But with surfers spruiking 5G conspiracy theories online and surf media outlets referring to lockdown proponents as “the Gestapo”, I don’t like the odds of there being many “responsible surfers” out there.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B_vF6QyH2m7/

Wait, surf media outlets referring to lockdown proponents as “the Gestapo?” Well that’s li’l ol’ BeachGrit. Maybe our suspicion of draconian laws and newly empowered enforcers, our wondering if sitting out in the ocean ain’t the worst thing ever, our questioning of wholesale trash-canned liberty, our not hopping right up into the seat of judgment in order to define “responsibility” is only born from the fact that we haven’t had “Covid scares.”

Don’t you either have the disease or not?

Is there some middle way I’m missing?

Whichever the case, what percentage of surfers, worldwide, do you think are on Team Tudor vs. Team Skindog?

Months ago, when Ken “Skindog” Collins posted on Instagram that surfers should observe “stay-at-home” rules and Joel Tudor made fun, the battle lines were drawn.

Initially, I thought surfers would break 70 – 30 for Tudor. I understand, now, that it is a solid 85 – 15 for Skinny.

Wild.

Absolutely wild what self-righteous, spineless little tattle-tales we are.