"Fuck off with your shit board and crap wetty and go surf Broken Head with Rasta and the rest of those pussies."
In this time of apocalyptic-pandemic lockdowns and isolationism, surfers in northern NW are returning to heights of tribalism not seen in decades.
Biblical connotations present themselves at every turn. Amid public outrage as the Australian cardinal George Pell walks free threats of mid-session baptisms are on the rise.
I should know.
I narrowly avoided one last week at one of Australia’s premier point breaks.
Admittedly, I sinned.
Over excited, I paddled straight to an outside take off the spot and sat five metres deep of everyone.
“Do you always paddle straight to the inside at a new spot mate?”
He is sitting there half-sunken – tattooed and snarling – like a wild and bronzed deity.
“No,” I say, stunned and fearful.
There is a terribly awkward stillness in the ocean.
Silence in the chasm between us.
People are watching in wonder.
I can feel myself becoming part of this week’s carpark folklore. The latest blow-in to get called out by the enforcer. I’m thinking all this while I stare out at the serene ocean awaiting his next remark.
Then he lays it on me.
“Where you from?”
“Mullum.”
He doesn’t like that.
Doesn’t like that at all.
“Well fuck off back to Byron and don’t come back to this shire.”
It’s an improbable request.
Am I simply being subjected to a verbal territorial ritual that will run its course without incident?
Or am I quite literally about to be punched in the head?
Now he’s paddling right at me.
Parting the waters like a fuckin’ P&O cruiser with his white-blonde hair and his huge back.
Then he sits up and we’re sitting shoulder to shoulder.
Social distancing is all but out the window and I’m thinking this guy better not have COVID, but I don’t say anything.
I just look at the two stars I can see tattooed on his chest and the outline of Australia underneath his armpit and his head.
Now he’s looking straight at me
“Are you not fuckin listening cunt? FUCK OFF. GO IN.”
I hold my ground because like him my whole identity, my manhood, my honour, hinges on the way this situation is going to unfold.
What would it be like to live with the fact that you were sent in? Not in Hawaii after a fatal error but here in sunny Australia surfing a three-foot pointbreak.
What would it be like to be told to leave the ocean by another man and obey?
Is there ever any coming back from that?
I tell him
“I’m gonna get a wave here then after that I’ll sit down the point and we don’t need to know about each other.”
By my judgement it’s sensible compromise. I
don’t really want to get decked by this guy but there’s also no way I’m paddling in.
That’s not happening.
What is he going to do?
What am I going to do?
When is a wave going to pop up and interrupt this masculine stalemate?
Then it happens. A wave does pop up and the enforcer is forced to choose.
Dopamine or testosterone?
Surf the wave or show me the strangle-hold.
He goes.
Last year some guy paddled past the enforcer on a pink fish wearing a front-zip vest and was instructed to fuck off with his “shit board and crap wetty and go surf Broken Head with Rasta and the rest of those pussies.”
I’m left out there in the stillness remembering a story.
A story I was told by a credible source. Last year some guy paddled past the enforcer on a pink fish wearing a front-zip vest and was instructed to fuck off with his “shit board and crap wetty and go surf Broken Head with Rasta and the rest of those pussies.”
Not a bad line, I’m thinking to myself.
By the time I emerge from this little reverie the enforcer is steaming back out through the lineup with his eyes locked on me.
This time, god is on my side.
A set pops up and I go, and I leave it all behind.
Two days later, I am sent (via social media) information about another enforcer-incident. He has sent out a public warning message to the people of QLD and the Byron Shire to stay away from his local until this virus-nightmare is over.
It appears his hostility was part of a righteous, if not virtuous, COVID-19 crowd thinning campaign.
After all this many questions remain unanswered.
Is the man a genius or a fool?
Is he the only one seeing this public health scare for the opportunity it is?
Should we all reclaim the territories we were born to defend?
Should we revert to old-school localism under the guise of sensible social distancing?
Or is COVID 19 being exploited in the name of unjust and unruly behaviour?
Are we witnessing a return to natural order or a descent into out-dated brutality?
In this volatile time when even democracy, the very fabric of our civility, seems to be in a state of uncertainty let all have an equal say.
The hardened enforcer. The friendly visitor. The bemused tourist. The kook. The pro.
Comment below.
I see it as an opportunity to flip the script on the usual 2nd generation fuck-brains who take every wave and think it’s their right. Next time you see someone get waves in two consecutive sets, simply tell them they’ve had their exercise and it’s time to fuck off. Then give them a spiel about “we’re lucky the beaches are still open but if southern-cross bearing mouth-breathers like yourself don’t follow the rules, we’ll all lose the privilege.” (The mouth-breather part is important because it’s mildly offensive but also reinforces your genuine concern about the ways in which the virus spreads).
Oh, and by the way, I would’ve loved to know what would’ve happened if your response to his original question was “Yes”. Like, maybe that would make you a part of the same tribe he belongs to (ie, fuckheads who ruin every line-up they enter) and he would’ve simply nodded and told you to carry on.
The world would be a better and safer place if dickheads like you just stay home while this pandemic is surrounding us
Just because we don’t come up and surf your shitty beaches that are still miles from where you actually live
And for to think you are be cool writing this article just making it worse , have fun in your shire you peanut
Ps I was out there right near this incident and fuck you were a typical blow in pest
Enough about you Sam Rhodes, the real story is did Slater drop in on the Enforcer’s teenage daughter and what was then said and subsequently retracted on social media?
Now that’d be an interesting fight, Slater and his athleticism, competitive drive and medium-level jiu-jitsu skills vs a roaring, brick shithouse alpha male silverback.
I find that hard to believe mate.. But you keep hiding behind whatever makes you feel safe.
I’d like to see that.
Actually, I’d pay money to see that.
Surely it’s a bit of both and some in between.
I wouldn’t paddle out at good Lennox Head and go straight to the inside, like that is just a stupid move, COVID or not. It’s rude. Likewise I bet the Lennox crew wouldn’t do the same to me at one of my spots. We would all give each other space and time, and let each other welcome us in after that time had passed. This may seem a bit primitive to, say an Inertial person, but surfing is a bit like that, it’s animal senses at work.
Maybe that stuff is a bit more visible right now because a lot of local/regional surfers are sticking to their home spots right now, and not roaming as they might otherwise do.
But those pitiful anonymous signs, “If you don’t live here don’t surf here, respect our community” shit, that is just weaker than Corona beer. If you wrote one of that, maybe you should be the one staying home. Possibly while at home, go and look in the mirror for a while.
Wrote one of. those.
Hahaha.
and misspelled “community” I bet
I don’t care about spelling, just grama
You’re a good cunt Nick although you did give me the big hairy eyeball up and down when I was walking across the park near the clubhouse at Newport once 😉
Yep it’s not that difficult, everyone should mind their manners – there’re plenty of heavy fellas out there who are willing to speak up for their local.
Seriously, what’s the story with Slater dropping in on the Enforcer’s 15 year old daughter?
lol I probably thought you were perving on the girls in my racing squad
Kelly’s in Avalon right now, there’s one of those weak signs on the sth av fence, I wonder if the Local Custodians think it applies to him
So no word on old Baldy and the enforcer’s daughter at the Ox, and online sledging dragging in Mark Thomson?
Really not. Wasn’t that all weeks ago?
and my god can we not mention Carcass, it’ll only encourage him
Exactly
I’d rather a kook on my inside than in front.
Put that way in context with your Angourie experience, I agree.
Everything can be solved with a court case. Awesome World you’d have us live in.
To be honest i’m a little surprised with your views. I thought you’d be on the other side of this fence.
With this, I agree, I’m not a local anywhere, but I can handle my business. I just bristle at the call the cops vibe. They have better shit to do than deal with spoilt water dancers.
like beat up naked teenagers asking for help? fuck cops, they got nothing to do but look behind them on the highway.
Gonna busss some shots off!
Nothing like wasting police and the Courts resources and time for such a noble cause Nik.
This comment sucks Dee. But due to my aversion to dv’n I’ll leave this here. Either punch on or don’t, but don’t get the law involved either way.
The water system exists to keep kooks from paddling straight out and deeper than everyone.
instructed to fuck off with his “shit board and crap wetty and go surf Broken Head with Rasta and the rest of those pussies.”
this insult was top notch!!
If it worked, you could focus 70% of Byron Shire’s surfers in one place.
Bring it on! Something to be said for some localism returning, blow ins and entitled backpacker wankers are out of hand on this side of the island. Paddle out anywhere and go straight inside of everyone is a cunt act .
Fuck that’s Standard Operating Procedure in CA. Cunts on soft tops paddle out like 8 feet further out than I am and ask how my days going. Irks me to no end.
I like the 2nd amendment, being able to defend yourself and family and enjoy shooting guns but the armed militia presence at the protests are a bit extreme. https://uploads.disquscdn.c… https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
I also love guns…but fuck these dudes.
Yeah, man! Fucking walking advertisements for gun control. People on the fence about guns see these guys and are like, “fuck that, this is out of control, these loonies are frightening!”. They look like a bunch of insecure wankers just looking to get in a shootout.
Without a mask, all those dudes are basically this kid.
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
Such a great episode.
Imagine if an assembly during times of social distancing with the same look happened to be black and on the governors steps?
Exactly! Or an Islamic group
It’s ok, it’s just the Bundy’s threatening police….
to me, they look like veterans, and it seems they’re a bit misguided. i’m guessing they consider their protest as an act to uphold the constitution/freedom. leadership is important and when judgment is impaired, you too often see good intentions resulting in idiocy. let me be more clear: i bet they are having fun and see nothing wrong with the way they are carrying about, not being totally cognizant of the fear they may be instilling in others who dont have experience solving problems with gunfights. anyways, nowadays, everyone just go nuts over everyone without thinking about “what is going on” and “who are these people.” Im not saying you’re like this, just grumbling about our current state of affairs. i actually felt sad for donald the other day, when he was suggesting we open people’s chests and spray their lungs with lysol, or perhaps blast each other with UV rays, haha; poor guy.
Was it essential to travel for surf? No. If your local wave isn’t good then don’t go looking for other waves. Simple. I’ve questioned heaps of non locals and told them to beat it. Small coastal towns don’t have the resources to suffer a covid blow up. We are good here for now but it only takes one wanker.
One thing that’s certain in life is that there’s always at least one wanker.
We’re fucked, thus.
The funny thing is that they don’t even enjoy their surf, they are just compelled to do it and are blinded by their own desire. Fuckwits the lot of them.
Oh shit. It turns out I’m the wanker!
Haha at least you are enlightened.
I thought relentless mocking and ridicule came first?
Actually, all three go hand in hand. The order is not important.
It’s pretty clear isn’t it. No non essential travel during restrictions. Traveling near 40 km’s past 20 other spots reaks of a self entitled five minute Byron local. Were you on a mid length…
The local council has now closed a bunch of carpark because dead shits like you. 2478 has a lot of elderly and 2481 was one of the states hotspots. Do the math
What about us though? My long sleeve botton up and man bun have not seen salt for too long. My dog and Steve Lis inspired hand shaped hand foiled keels are ready for a knock knee high line.
Just make sure there’s diesel in the Sprinter van, the custom interior made of repurposed barn siding is polished, the solar shower/wetsuit changing tub is topped off, the batteries are charged to keep your wifi connected to instagram and you’ve got the complete Dave Mathews Band catalog on vinyl to play on the audiophile grade turntable that neatly slides over the bio toilet.
I think Jack Johnson would have a been a better choice.
True! Probably a limited edition Japanese import pressing in translucent blue vinyl.
Great comment. Those fucking things are like mozzies round here. Buzzing around aimlessly till they want to park on your street overnight. LOL scott
#vanlife #imnotabumlivinginnmycar #imadigitalnomad
Seriously made me cough up my first beer which I thought was impossible.
Now it’s time for the draft after a half hour show about Covid, the National Anthem, a montage of military exercises and Peyton Mannings prayers….
It’s that time! I need a cold one too, cheers my friend!!
Yeah yeah bro, Cheers!!!
Fuck my golden retriever loves that band.
If you buy strongly into the “surf in your postcode” thing you’re likely a self serving cunt. Especially in areas where a postcode can stretch over 20ks + of coast. You’re telling me if you in Knockrow, you can’t duck to Lennox for a quick surf – but it’s somehow safe for people in 2478 to travel freely between Lennox and Patch’s because apparently the virus can’t travel within it’s own postcode?
Also the local council has not closed the car-parks simply because of dead-shits like the author (I agree with you on that one), it’s also because water-monkeys like yourself think that “working from home” means it’s fine to go and surf for 6 hours every day simply because “it’s in my postcode”.
You’re what’s wrong with this world mate