Watch: Famous surf commentators and dads Pete Mel and Kaipo Guerrero just discovered “The YouTube!”

Any Kine is a must!

Oh my goodness and oh man. Would you permit me a moment of honesty? One brief minute where I can let my un-salon’d hair down and just talk real talk?

I worry about our World Surf League commentators and I worry about them regularly throughout the day.


We’re all just self isolating per the norm. Living in our spaces whilst not leaving. Relatively poor, unnecessarily opinionated, doin “our thang.” But the World Surf League commentators? Used to traveling to the world’s best waves with the world’s best surfers?

Oh my goodness and oh man.

Lives upended.

Lives erased.

Thankfully there is the wonderful Instagram account @thegreenroomtimes that provides levity in these troubling times.

Also, thankfully, World Surf League commentators Pete Mel and Kaipo Guerrero just discovered “the YouTube” of which @thegreenroomtimes lovingly informed me.

Did I watch?

Of course.

I love both Pete Mel and Kaipo Guerrero more than my adoptive father but won’t spoil the glories for you but will also say that one of my favorite parts is the perpetual underlying vaguely techno soundtrack.

Truly next level performance art.

If World Surf League CEO Erik Logan and his co-Waterperson of the Year Dirk Ziff aren’t taking a piece of this then shame, deep shame, on them.

Pete and Kaipo?

Exclusive on your other favorite surf-esque blog?

You think I’m joking but absolutely am not.

More as the story develops.

Thought Police: World’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater complains of being “shadow banned” on Instagram!

Censorship in the time of Coronavirus.

I have been reading many predictions, lately, on how the world will look once it comes out of this current “shelter-in-place” phase. Some experts suggest the economy will come roaring back as human beings are creatures of habit and will return to movie theaters, restaurants, shopping centers en masse. Other experts suggest that this time has forever changed our means and ways and we are hurtling toward massive economic collapse.


I only know one thing, for certain, and that is professional surfing will cease to exist in any meaningful way the second Kelly Slater slides into true retirement. The fabulous new surf blog will carry on for a little longer, drafting off the world’s number one podcast, fighting for a few hundred thousand monthly clicks with flatmate The Inertia then darken.

Well, Kelly Slater has not slid into true retirement yet. He is there, running barriers in Australia, getting his surf on, philosophizing and getting brutally censored by the newly empowered Thought Police.

But let us return, once again, to Instagram, where we lay our scene.

Kelly posted on his stories, the other day, that his missives are getting “shadow banned” at 1000 views only on his 2.6 million follower account.


Facebook, the social media giant owner of Instagram, YouTube and others have already moved to limit speech where 5G and Coronavirus collide. Twitter has kicked reputable news organizations off the platform for questioning the origin story of the pandemic. The New York Times, Washington Post, etc. quickly label any opinion not directly in line with jackbootism as “crackpot.”

Brutal censorship by any measure which leads to the question, what dangerous idea is the world’s greatest surfer propagating?

More as the story develops.

Help: Cancellation of WSL’s G-Land contest and closure of national park destroys livelihoods of surf camp workers!

So throw the poor bastards a shekel or two…

The crew at Joyos Surf Camp at G-land were getting ready for a good year, nay a great year.

First, they had the Surfing Doctors Conference lined up.

Every year the Surfing Doctors – a group of medical professionals who surf – head out to G-Land for their conference. They have some classes and lectures, they do benevolent health checks on the staff at Joyos, they discuss various CPR methods, and remote medical emergencies etc.

Tthey surf and charge out at G-land; they drink some beer and they unwind.

They also leave behind a well-stocked infirmary for the next round of doctors who do shifts at the camp.

They sometimes leave behind a few presents and a few tips for the staff.

Second, they had a WSL contest for the first time in a quarter of a century. There were roads built from Banyuwangi, and there were giant cables laid alongside these new roads for massive data transmissions.

New buildings went up, the helipad cleared of weeds, and things were beefing up for the massive onslaught.

Then COVID marched into town.

Indonesia was one of the last countries to start posting numbers, and it was way behind the curve on this dashboard, but COVID-19 was in Singapore, so it was just a matter of time.

It suddenly jumped, and now Indo is sitting at 7135 infections, while Australia is sitting on 6547.

As it hit, everyone started bailing from Indonesia and the Alas Purwo National Park, in which G-land sits, was closed down.

The Surfing Doctors had to cancel their conference.

They had members from all over the world working on the frontline across the world.

They had some of the inside scoops and knew that their conference, planned for May, was not going to happen.

At pretty much the same time, the WSL decided that the first half of the year was down the tube.

They pulled out of all events up to and including G-Land.

It was a shock, and a bummer, and is only going to get worse when they pull out of the rest of the year’s events, which is definitely going to happen. The WSL is pretty much as risk-averse as they come.

So, the crew at Joyos Camp at G-land have lost all their income.

They have lost the associated benefits that come with the Surfing Doctors conference and the benefits that were coming their way from the WSL.

For those of you that know the crew at Joyos or have spent time there, please donate to the fund started by Nick Gibbs.

As little as ten Australian dollars would be a bonus, and you get some free Surfyogis zinc in the process.

The Surfing Doctors have thrown some coin at it, as a group and as individuals, which is good to see.

The WSL, meanwhile, is throwing their money at the very exciting and cutting-edge Homebreak Challenge.

It is another one of their entities that people around the world are apparently consuming in large quantities, along no doubt with booze and meth in equally copious amounts as they deal with the boredom of lockdowns.

If you want to contribute to the Joyos Surf Camp fund – here.

If you are a doctor or a medical professional (paramedic, nurse etc.) and you want to join the crew of classic surfing doctors, here or here

If you want to get involved with the WSL Home Break Challenge and possibly make $2,500 or more –here.

Report from Lennox: Kelly Slater and Leo Fioravanti run COVID-19 border lockdown, “You’d expect they would be setting an example as leaders,” says top cop.

"I can't help feeling a little frisson of excitement at Kelly sticking it to the man."

Richmond Police precinct encompasses many small towns and hamlets in sub-tropical NSW, including the surf destination of Lennox Head, where I reside.

With the sich here being one of open beaches and pumping surf a lot of interlopers have been keen to test the will of the local constabulary in terms of enforcing the Corona virus travel restrictions.

Sunday afternoon, the kind of glorious autumn afternoon with head-high point surf that surf cats dribble over, two of NSW’s finest approached me in the carpark.

“Where do you live?”

Luckily, I was able to point over the hill and reply “right there”.

That was a satisfactory answer for the boys in blue to allow an unmolested shred.

Others did not have their paperwork in order.

My pal Mark Purser, a yoga teacher from Byron Bay, had a threatening letter from the Richmond police on the windscreen.

Taylor Miller, surfer and daughter of legend Rusty Miller, likewise copped a warning. Her sister was verbally sent home without a go-out.

Fines were dished out, as well as the warning notices.

In the water, CT wildcarder and Italian super-stud Leo Fioravanti tried to put a little hustle on me.

With the police on my side (for once), I felt emboldened to resist the young stud’s advance and return the favour.

He also got the warning note on the windscreen.

“How the fuck are you making money with no comps?” I asked him later in the top carpark.

“Sponsors,” he said.

“So, no money from the WSL at all?”

“Well, they cashed us out for last place for Snapper because it was cancelled, but the rest of the Aussie leg is postponed, so no prizemoney.”

“Ah, so that’s why they postponed it… so they wouldn’t be liable for prizemonies.”

Ten grand for last place, in case you were wondering.

Not a bad earn for a cancelled contest.

Leo ain’t the only pro who’s been knifing it down here for a strike mission.

Kelly Slater showed up, presumably with some kind of paperwork to get back across the closed Queensland border. Got himself involved in a little discrepancy with one of the local grommets which was sorted out via social media, nothing to report there except an offer to share a surf session in Hawaii with one of the local gromesses.

I got the boss cop on the phone to explain the policing.

Detective Chief Inspector Cameron Lindsay is a no bullshit old-school D and very handy on the shred.

Definitely no VAL. He’s a man you want to have on your side.

He told me we were blessed to keep beaches open for our much needed physical and mental health.

Yes, I said, very much so.

It’s about limiting non-essential travel, he told me.

“Travelling from Coolangatta to Lennox head to chase better surf is not essential,” he said, “although I appreciate some people might find it essential.”

You hear that Kelly?

He also notified our local Corona virus hot spot as Byron Bay, which justifies the ticketing of surfers from that area who might consider themselves local.

I don’t know, that one might not stack up in court.

When offered a chance to address Kelly and Leo directly Detective Lindsay was, ah, forthright.

“Consider if that travel is essential. Chasing better surf is not essential. Consider local surfers in that area by complying with the direction. We don’t want it to end up like in America or Europe where Kelly and Leo are from with closed beaches. You’d expect they would be setting an example as leaders.”

Whoa, Kelly on the wrong side of the law.

How do you see him now?

Hero or villain?

I would like a bob each way.

I’m very proud of our top cop and the way they are managing this, as are most local crew, but can’t help feeling a little frisson of excitement at Kelly sticking it to the man.

Kelly if you do end up with a notice to appear in court I will appear as a character witness and/or legal adviser gratis.

I have a novel legal defence in mind.

In the meantime, a lower profile may be in your best interests.

You’re welcome.

Watch: World Surf League reaches rare peak hypocrisy in celebrating dangerous wipeout while encouraging safe social distancing!

"Please consult your local COVID-19 rules and regulations in regards to surfing."

Oh my goodness. And oh my very goodness the World Surf League, under the soft hand of relatively new Chief Executive Officer Erik Logan, has reached the oft attempted but rarely achieved peak hypocrisy of this modern age.

An ultimate win-win but shall we, as students of the game, celebrate ourselves?

Laud appropriately?

It would be historically rude not to and let us travel directly to Instagram where the World Surf League lays its scene.

For it is there that Koa Rothman, son of Eddie, brother of Makua turned and went on a decidedly dangerous bomb.

The results were epically watchable yet potentially devastating.

Thankfully, the WSL chased a bold punch with a spineless warning.

Please consult your local COVID-19 rules and regulations in regards to surfing. At the moment, surfing is still permitted on Oahu.



Please consult rules etc.?

Damned Vichy collaborators.

Jackboot apologists.

World Surf League.

But now that the World Surf League is an officially fabulous surf blog the game is, also, officially on.

I will see your head on a spike at the end of this, Erik Logan, and won’t pull the “Please consult…” punch.

More as the story develops.