Weaponised turds!

Weaponised ass-play: Lennox Head local smears out-of-towner’s car with human turd; Leo Fioravanti reportedly fined for surfing out of postcode!

Local heavy resorts to old classic!

If you’d listened to our Dirty Water podcast with Lennox Head habitué Steve “Longtom” Shearer on Saturday, you would’ve been fed a lovely story of how locals there, once awesomely territorial, had become a shadow of their former fury. 

The facts paint a diff story, however. 

Kelly Slater, reportedly, forced to capitulate to big local and offer recompense after maybe fading a local kid; a public warning issued to “the people of QLD and the Byron Shire to stay away from his local until this virus-nightmare is over.”

And, before COVID, the prolonged court case of the famous mat rider jumping a former world number two and, according to the attackee, “standing on top of me and as he was doing that he was pulling my hair.”

(Note: order the most advanced surf mat ever made, here, for $US195.)

Now, it can be revealed, that police are investigating the smearing of human shit onto the door of a vehicle with Queensland license plates, telling one local shop owner they knew who committed the offence and were searching for witnesses.

(Interestingly, one prime suspect may be off the hook because he’s too short to get his asshole over the door handle.)

Lennox, of course, ain’t a town of snitches, so I suspect it’ll be a game of  we know who, they know who, but cops come around and I got no clue.

Good luck to the brave police-people investigating.

“Maybe don’t park with Queensland or Byron rego,” said one local. “They closed the top carpark at the lookout because of COVID so it’s deep congestion at the bottom carpark and a shit-fight along the side of the road.”

Further, there are reports that Italian superpower Leo Fioravanti was one of twenty-seven surfers hit with thousand-dollar fines for driving from the Gold Coast and surrounds surf Lennox area.

Meanwhile, in Sawtell, a few hours south.

Greetings from Sawtell!

 


The sheer terror of flipping a surf-kayak in the lineup (pictured).
The sheer terror of flipping a surf-kayak in the lineup (pictured).

Dire: Surf-kayak market “one of the fastest growing and expected to witness substantial growth in the forecast years!”

"Current trends suggest that major manufacturers will see double and triple earnings as ocean-going enthusiasts prefer the safety and ease of surf-kayaks."

This Coronavirus sure has done strange things to people. Those who seemed steeled and brave wilted under the threat of a Chinese-made virus targeting the grossly overweight. Those who seemed weak and small mocked the idea of face masks and demanded their freedom to get haircuts.

Surfers viciously turned on other surfers, deriving unvarnished glee in snitching to Johnny Law.

And the surf-kayak market exploded, very likely surpassing the dreaded SUP as the “number one wave sliding method for the mentally and physically handicapped” according to new Verified Market Research.

Do we dare read a smidge?

Verified Market Research recently published a research report titled, Surf-kayaks Market Study Report 2020. The research report is created based on historical and forecast data derived from researchers using primary and secondary methods. The Surf-kayaks market is one of the fastest-growing markets and is expected to witness substantial growth in the forecast years.

Current trends suggest that major manufacturers will see double and triple earnings as ocean-going enthusiasts prefer the safety and ease of surf-kayaks.

Surf-kayakers will experience a rapid consolidation of power in the wave zone as they hold distinct advantage over traditional surfboard surfers and standup paddleboard surfers in wave catching and speed.

Learn more here.

The full report, of course, costs money and I didn’t pay but have you ever been taken out by a surf-kayak in the lineup?

I’ve had to duck dive one, once, and am terrified about their swelling ranks.

Terrified enough to consider Team Skindog.

More as the story develops.


Breaking: Sensible surf media slams BeachGrit as “irresponsible”; reveals “major brush with Covid!”

"I don't like the odds of there being many 'responsible surfers' out there."

And who could have ever guessed, at the very beginning of 2020 when it was revealed that a Chinese man either ate, or fiddled with, a bat and unleashed a heretofore unknown disease into the world that surfers and surfing would end up center stage?

Truth is stranger than fiction, I suppose, but here we are with surfers and surfing dominating the debate over responsible behavior in the time of Coronavirus. New York Times features of Huntington Beach protests. Nightly news broadcasts of “crowded” lineups from Bondi to The Wedge.

Op-eds flying back and forth.

Yesterday, for example, you read here the wonderful story of Transhumanist Zoltan who dared surf in a nearby town. A small act of defiance that should be understood and applauded by surfers everywhere?

I would have thought, but this pandemic has laid bare who we really are. Dirty, rat fink snitches and Zoltan caught hell on social media with many surfers viciously criticizing his decision, some even imagining that Bolinas, California, a stone’s throw from San Francisco, is “secret.”

Well, as things work, the sensible surf media came swinging in to condemn Transhumanist souls yearning to surf free and shall we read a snippet from Stab magazine?

Examples like the above are obviously hypothetical, but I know several individuals who have driven either south or north of Sydney since the beach closures, one of which later had a Covid scare. In theory, local beach openings are fine, and a good way for people to exercise while keeping their distance, but the reality is much trickier; a point which the author of the Times article strangely seems to agree with. “[Q]uarantine rules must apply to everyone or the plan to flatten the curve doesn’t work.” A strange point considering he goes on to argue “responsible surfers” should be granted the rights to paddle out, get tubbed (read: nosedive for most of us), and head home. But with surfers spruiking 5G conspiracy theories online and surf media outlets referring to lockdown proponents as “the Gestapo”, I don’t like the odds of there being many “responsible surfers” out there.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B_vF6QyH2m7/

Wait, surf media outlets referring to lockdown proponents as “the Gestapo?” Well that’s li’l ol’ BeachGrit. Maybe our suspicion of draconian laws and newly empowered enforcers, our wondering if sitting out in the ocean ain’t the worst thing ever, our questioning of wholesale trash-canned liberty, our not hopping right up into the seat of judgment in order to define “responsibility” is only born from the fact that we haven’t had “Covid scares.”

Don’t you either have the disease or not?

Is there some middle way I’m missing?

Whichever the case, what percentage of surfers, worldwide, do you think are on Team Tudor vs. Team Skindog?

Months ago, when Ken “Skindog” Collins posted on Instagram that surfers should observe “stay-at-home” rules and Joel Tudor made fun, the battle lines were drawn.

Initially, I thought surfers would break 70 – 30 for Tudor. I understand, now, that it is a solid 85 – 15 for Skinny.

Wild.

Absolutely wild what self-righteous, spineless little tattle-tales we are.


Transhumanist Zoltan, NYT and fam. | Photo: @HollyOgden5

Nor Cal surfers in fury over Transhumanist VP candidate and New York Times columnist who says surfing ain’t a crime: “Stay home kook!…Shelter in place, barney!”

"There are pictures of you on every telephone pole, soon to be on T-shirts, the local surfers all know your face now…"

As we’ve written before, surfers, if that’s what you want to call us, have ridden the COVID train to hitherto never before seen heights of self-policing, usurping the usual snitches, informers, rats and so on.

Public exceptions, of course, are Joel Tudor, and Derek Dunfee, the big-waver and photographer who, according to Coronado mayor Richard Bailey, “singlehandedly” brought together all the mayors in San Diego to talk about and eventually overturn the no-surf ban.

Two days ago, the libertine transhumanist Zoltan Istva wrote in The New York Times of being a lockdown runner and…

Wait…

Tranhumanism?

Oh, using tech to beat death, disease etc, not in the usual ways like antibiotics and dentures, but with artificial wombs (the concept is that women have the right not to carry a fetus, but not to kill it, therefore if artificial wombs can be employed both sides of the abortion debate win), and implants to augment our senses, a melding of man and robot etc.

Terrific stuff and I’ll be the first to rid myself of this poorly functioning brain and body.

Anyway.

Zoltan wrote,

“I just couldn’t see how walking out of my house, getting into my car, parking near the beach, and paddling into waves could be dangerous for anyone. Even on the beach — which hasn’t been crowded since the pandemic hit — most people were wearing masks and practicing social distancing. In the water, we were always considerably more than six feet apart from one another.

“A few days ago, a county sheriff’s officer stood outside his vehicle in the parking area of the beach in Bolinas, waving off visitors and telling surfers to go home. Like many other surfers, I avoided him by parking on a side street. I suited up and after making sure he was looking the other way, sprinted to the water. I caught my first wave of the day a minute later.

I understand that quarantine rules must apply to everyone or the plan to flatten the curve doesn’t work. But I doubt that surfing alone jeopardizes the health of society in any statistically meaningful way, especially because all the surfers I’ve seen have been careful to practice social distancing in and out of the water. The physical, mental and spiritual benefits to surfing outweigh the tiny chance a surfer might become infected or infect someone else.”

He does get a little silly when he writes about weeping in the surf and how “Being in the ocean and riding waves can be ecstatic and spiritual.”

I get it, I agree, but it looks rough on paper.

Importantly, he’s a Tudor, not a Skindizzle.

The response, very fierce.

#gohomezoltan is trending on IG

“Maybe ur day tripper friends are all jacking eachother off while looking at ur ny times article but the entire population of every single small beach town is utterly repulsed,” writes Heather Lowry.

“You’re the kind of guy that goes to town and buys a chai latte putting his infectious waste grubby mitts all over the counter putting our local population at risk. There are pictures of you on every telephone pole, soon to be on T-shirts, the local surfers all know your face now, you named not only our town but the local surf break, which no true surfer ever does, but you told others how to break the rules, your welcome in Bo is not going to be a warm one. Kook,” writes Andrew Owston.

To one cutie-pie in a titty-popping bikini who trolled him he responded with,

Holly, You & plenty others have threatened me in social media, & there are screen shots for it all. I’m a federal candidate and convicted violence against could mean federal prison. And because I’m a public figure, it may also mean more media at Bolinas soon.

Two questions in all this, I suppose.

Who’s winning the war of hearts and minds, the Tudors or the Skinnies?

And transhumanism,

Did you ever think such a fabulous thing might happen in our lifetimes?


Steve Nash (pictured) backside roof dragging on his first barrel attempt.
Steve Nash (pictured) backside roof dragging on his first barrel attempt.

Revealed: Revered ex-NBA superstar Steve Nash also “best VAL in the entire world!”

"He surfs the thing all the way into the shore I’m like, ‘it took me like three weeks to do that.’"

And how many things are you properly good at? Like, not only proud of your ability/talent but other people also acknowledge and are sometimes amazed by your skill? I’ve got one but it’s a good one.

Parallel parking.

I can whip any sized vehicle into any sized space with a casual/cool right arm on passenger seat back, twisting my head over the right shoulder, sunglasses down bridge of nose, slightly, not because they interfere but because that studied look goes well in the parallel parking game.

Vehicle backs in, I crank the wheel straight, pull forward and there we have it.

No fussing about with extra movements.

No do-overs, ever.

Oh, I wish I was as good at surfing but not everyone can be Kelly Slater or ex-Phoenix Sun all-star point guard and certain first ballot Hall of Famer Steve Nash.

The Golden State Warriors’ Hall of Fame coach Steve Kerr, who happened to be the general magic for three years during Nash’s sparkling run, went on a podcast, recently, and discussed how the Canadian also happens to be the best VAL in the entire world and here, I shall transcribe for you because who has time for anymore podcast listening?

Steve Nash came out to visit me in San Diego, probably seven or eight years ago, and I used to surf at that time, and he had never surfed before. So he, he decided to paddle out, he said ‘well what do I do?’ and I’m not a very good surfer, but I tried to give him my advice. We paddle out there, and I said, ‘hey, just you know, paddle into this, you want to do is you turn the board and you paddle. And then you kind of stand, you know, you try to stand up, you pop up real quick and now it’s probably going to take a few times,’ and he’s like, ‘okay.’ The first wave comes he paddles twice he pops up he’s surfing. He surfs the thing all the way into the shore I’m like, ‘it took me like three weeks to do that.’

Wow.

But also, we have reached a moment, I think, when we must consider that the World Surf League might never come back. That financial pressures, an “evolving” pandemic etc. could make professional surfing for an audience of 20k “unviable.”

Now, we could replace with the World VAL League though might I suggest the World Parallel Parking League?

Picture with me exotic, crowded Hong Kong, Tokyo, New York, Sydney, Paris, Copenhagen, Moscow. The world’s best parallel parkers in the world’s busiest cities. Every turn makes a title. There would be judging, of course, as well as good, old fashioned “beat the clock” action.

Speed, power, flow.

Tell me you aren’t excited.