This is where we're getting played the hardest. This is where we've un-magicked the whole thing. Surfing is that beautiful, yes, but it is also difficult—which is a big reason why it is beautiful. Moments like that should be stalked, worked for, lucked into, bestowed, treasured. But do the math here. Surf Ranch runs that monstrous blue powertrain down the track once every three minutes. | Photo: WSL

Matt Warshaw lists Surf Ranch promo speakers in reverse order of disappointment: “I cringe when Kelly Slater explains that Surf Ranch has created a ‘true surfing experience'”

Stephanie Gilmore, Mark Richards, Gerry Lopez and co break surf historian's already tender heart.

As some of you know, my first take on wavepools was very End Times.

“We’ve traded magic for perfection,” etc.

It bothered me on a weekly basis to know that the last tuberide of my life will likely be this one, in which my inside-looking-out view was machinery, concrete, and wire mesh.

My thoughts have evolved, though.

The frenzied beat of the BSR-Waco pool is not unappealing. Mark Augias, EOS coding sharpshooter, lives near Bristol, UK, swears the pool there is a blast, and was all set to dress me in a rented wetsuit and fling me into the deep end during my upcoming summer visit—until COVID canceled the trip.

It is a wavepool age, old man.

Make your peace.

Then I read Steve “Longtom” Shearer’s takedown of the new Sunshine Coast Surf Ranch project, with its “six-star eco-lodge,” micro-brewery, training facilities, etc, and I again donned my neoprene Chicken Little costume. “It’s a real doozy,” Shearer writes. “A place where to save bushland and floodplain we need to bulldoze it, truck in millions of tons of fill, carve it up into a canal estate and stick in a water- and power-hungry wavepool that only a few will ever be able to access.”

Shearer included a link to the project (click here and hit “Play Full Film”), and that made things even worse, as it featured gushing Surf Ranch testimonials from Kelly Slater, Steph Gilmore, Mick Fanning, Shaun Tomson, Gerry Lopez, Tom Carroll, and Mark Richards—roughly two-thirds of my favorite living surfers—all of whom apparently hit the wavepool bong way harder and longer than I ever did.

There are hits, though, and there are Tommy Chong hits, and with that in mind I have ranked the Surf Ranch surf legend promo speakers in reverse order of disappointment.

KELLY SLATER. I cringe when he explains that Surf Ranch has created a “true surfing experience,” but it’s his wave, his business, his hustle. If your name is on the company letterhead, you get a pass.

MICK FANNING. I forget what he said, but it was anodyne and friendly and I really miss Mick on tour.

JOEL PARKINSON. Same.

SHAUN TOMSON. “People say, ‘artificial wave.’ I don’t think it’s artificial, I think it is man-made, like art.” I don’t remember the exact type of the logical fallacy deployed here, so I will just say to you, Shaun, that this is art. Upvote for the cowboy hat, though.

TOM CARROLL. A vague comment on how a Surf Ranch session provides great feedback on your equipment, which, freshwater isn’t saltwater so apples and oranges, but okay.

GERRY LOPEZ. “Kelly has created the quintessential perfect wave, and to be able to get that over and over and over again is really going to push the envelope of surfing.” I can’t be the only one who thinks that maybe Rory Russell was the real soul-monger of the two, right?

Surf Ranch runs that monstrous blue powertrain down the track once every three minutes. Half those waves are rights, like the one Steph is on. So 10 rights per hour, meaning that in a two-hour session (let’s allow for a few rail-digs) Steph is putting herself inside that same perfectly-controlled and scheduled hollow section about 15 times a day, and people have we not turned our unicorn into a donkey?

STEPH GILMORE. “The conditions are controlled, you can schedule everything the way you like it.” Steph’s famous Surf Ranch money shot is where she looks up halfway through a tube, all smiling and radiant, and gently runs her fingers across the lip as it flutters by overhead. This is where we’re getting played the hardest. This is where we’ve un-magicked the whole thing. Surfing is that beautiful, yes, but it is also difficult—which is a big reason why it is beautiful. Moments like that should be stalked, worked for, lucked into, bestowed, treasured. But do the math here. Surf Ranch runs that monstrous blue powertrain down the track once every three minutes. Half those waves are rights, like the one Steph is on. So 10 rights per hour, meaning that in a two-hour session (let’s allow for a few rail-digs) Steph is putting herself inside that same perfectly-controlled and scheduled hollow section about 15 times a day, and people have we not turned our unicorn into a donkey?

MARK RICHARDS. “The wave itself is better than any natural wave in the world.” I am heartbroken. “I never got to see the Beatles, and I never got to see Led Zeppelin, but I got to see the first event at the [Surf Ranch] wavepool, and that was just as good.” My broken heart is chained at the feet and thrown off a bridge.

(Editor’s note: Every Sunday, Matt Warshaw, keeper of the Encylopedia of Surfing, sends subscribers a longish form email describing his historical adventures of the week, with nods to contemporary events. It’s a fine thing to receive amid the tidal wash of emails offering clothing sales and discounted trinkets and, if you surf, it’s as essential as wax and, for three bucks or whatever it is a month, cheaper.)


"When you see Ben coming, don't think, just get out of the way," says Gerry Lopez. | Photo: EOS

Win: Vintage Ben Aipa single fin, masterfully restored by Randy Rarick, raffled by New York collector!

Buy a ticket for twenty-five bucks, all cash goes to Big Ben’s medical costs…

If you’ve ever seen human bulldozer Ben Aipa bury a rail from the water, you’ll be surprised your eyebrows were left unsinged.

A turn as a fit of rage.

Sexier than hot breath on your stomach.

As a shaper, Ben was the creator of the stinger design that gave ol Marky Richards, later a four-time world champ, a rocket underfoot in the winter of ’75.

If you’ve been following BeachGrit, you’ll know that Ben, who turns seventy-eight in August, is having a hell of a time with his health, blood infections, heart issue, diabetes, myriad strokes.

And, because this is the USA, his second wife, Leonore, is selling all his boards via an auction house to cover the catastrophe medical bills.

Read about that, here.

But, perhaps of greater interest, is a raffle being run by Brooklyn’s Pilgrim Surf + Supply, whom you’ll find just across the Williamsburg bridge from Lower Manhattan on the sun-lavished corner of North 3rd Street and Wythe Ave.

Pilgrim, which is silver fox Chris Gentile, pretty much, is gonna give you a shot at a vintage Aipa from their collection, a six-ten pocket rocket single fin shaped around 1969 under the Surfboards Hawaii label.

The board was masterfully restored by Randy Rarick, one of the founding fathers of pro surfing and, if I may be so bold as to suggest such a thing, one of the game’s most interesting players.

Five hundred tix for sale. Twenty-five bucks apiece or a fifty for three.

Hundred percent of all proceeds, they’re hoping for ten gees or so, go to Benny.

Venmo payment to @pilgrimsurf to buy.

Winner drawn this Friday.

View this post on Instagram

We’ve learned recently that legendary Hawaiian surfer/shaper Ben Aipa has been battling health issues for some time and his family needs our help. As his health has deteriorated his wife has been struggling with the financial resources to deal with their mounting medical costs. Out of respect and gratitude for the Aipa family and all of Ben’s contributions to surfing we are raffling off one of this vintage board from our collection. A 6’10” pocket rocket shaped by Ben in 1969-70 under the @surfboardshawaii label. This was maybe a year or so before Ben would go on to shape his revolutionary stinger shape. This board was expertly restored by legend Randy Rarick a few years ago and is in pristine condition. Our goal is to sell 500 tickets. 100% of ticket sales will go directly to The Aipa family GoFundMe. $25 for one ticket $50 for three No ticket limit. Venmo payment to @pilgrimsurf We will draw the winner next Friday July 3rd. Thank you – mahalo! ♥️ #benaipa @aipasurf @akila_aipa @benaipalegacy @zinloke @dukeaipa

A post shared by Pilgrim Surf + Supply (@pilgrimsurfsupply) on


Surf n Turf!

Crime Epidemic: Yet another man steals hundreds of dollars worth of “surf and turf” from local grocery store!

Ravenous!

As part of my surf journalism duties I search the word “surf” as it relates to “news” more than anybody save the great Nick Carroll. Sometimes there are treasures, like Saturday Night Live mainstay Colin Jost “surfing” and showing off his “buff bod” in the Hamptons.

Sometimes there is nothing save old BeachGrit stories.

More often than not there is a lurid criminal story featuring a naughty sneaker, usually male, stealing hundreds of dollars worth of surf and turf from a local grocery store.

Our latest takes us to Cleveland, Ohio where we find a man appearing on video surveillance tape, taking several plastic bags from the front of the store and a cart to the meat section. According to the police blotter, “He took about 12 packages of steaks and three packages of lobster tails and placed them in the cart. The man then went to a different aisle and placed all the items into plastic bags. He left the store without paying for the items, which included $96 worth of porterhouse steaks, $89 in ribeye steaks and $63 in lobster tails, totaling $248.”

A surf and turf feast, without doubt, but, again, I stumble on this crime almost weekly. Now, a few questions for you.

Where does surf and turf rank on the list of your favorite meals? I enjoy lobster and also enjoy steak but do not enjoy them together as I find both compete too heavily for supremacy. A perfectly prepared lobster tail beats a perfectly prepared steak but the perfectly prepared lobster tail is rare and steak has greater margin for error and so, usually, both are pretty good and make an overly filling, pretty good meal.

Also, do the thieves who steal surf and turf prepare themselves for family and friends or is there a robust black market for steak and lobster tails?

Lastly, if BeachGrit opened a restaurant would you come dine?

Biscuits and gravy would be featured on the menu. It is my favorite meal.

While we’re on the subject of eating and favorites, have you ever watched the movie Ravenous?

Oh man, it is good.


Breaking: Orange County Democratic Party “furious” over the name of local “white supremacist” John Wayne Airport; vows to cancel!

A white supremacist symbol.

There are many troubles and tribulations currently plaguing our society. Pandemic disease, much racial unrest, severe economic collapse, starvation, etc. but the worst of the worst, possibly, is that Orange County’s John Wayne Airport is actually named after John Wayne.

Triggered?

Obviously.

Thankfully, Orange County’s Democratic Party is on the case.

Per The Hollywood Reporter:

The Democratic Party of Orange County this week demanded in a resolution for John Wayne’s name, statue and other likenesses be removed from the local airport.

The document cites “a national movement to remove white supremacist symbols and names is reshaping American institutions, monuments, businesses, nonprofits, sports leagues and teams, as it is widely recognized that racist symbols produce lasting physical and psychological stress and trauma particularly to Black communities, people of color and other oppressed groups, and the removal of racist symbols provides a necessary process for communities to remember historic acts of violence and recognize victims of oppression.”

It clarified that there are “numerous calls” to remove John Wayne’s namesake from the airport due to his “white supremacist, anti-LGBT, and anti-indigenous views.”

Boom.

And so the next time you want to fly in to Orange County to surf San Diego County’s Trestles you won’t have to be humiliated and enraged.

Happy?

Duh.

Also, did you know that John Wayne’s True Grit is basically BeachGrit.

Cancel BeachGrit already.

We’re past due!


My buddy knows one of the guys at Saint Archer. Bet I can score us some brews!! I can’t drive but I’ll make a killer playlist. Gona be the best trip ever!! Shakas!!! | Photo: @revengeofthenerds

Surfline Man Goes on a Surf Trip Part 2! “A group of veteran surfers, bored and discontent, heads to the BSR Wave Park in Waco to reconnect with one another and rekindle their stoke for surfing!”

Drive like we stole it all the way to Texas, baby! No stops on the way, just drivin’…

When we last saw him, Surfline Man was gathering his bros for a trip to the BSR Wave Park in Waco.

Sure, some of his buddies weren’t that enthusiastic, and sure, Trestles is firing.

Surfline Man remains undaunted.

Surfline Man doesn’t care about your hate.

Surfline Man is going to Waco and he’s determined to convince his bros in the industry to help him get there.

from: SURFLINE MAN <[email protected]> to: [email protected]
date: Jun, 20 2020, 5:20 AM
subject: Surf Trip opportunity!

Hey Dave! Long time, no see. We met at that one party at US Open two years ago, remember? Fuck, that was such a great time. So many wild stories. What happens in Huntington, stays in Huntington! I feel like you totally know what I mean.

So my buddies and I are headed to Waco for some wave pool action. We’ve got a big push on socials in the works. I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but I’ve got a podcast going, Trent Talks Surf. Available on iTunes! Stoked! I just started it, but it’s already doing great numbers. We’re also going to vlog the hell out of this thing. Should be awesome!

I’m writing to see if we could do a little sponsorship deal for this thing. We’d love to showcase your brand on our social channels. It’s a great opportunity for you to get some exposure to our growing audience. We’d love to offer you first dibs on being our exclusive clothing sponsor for the length of the trip.

Also, we should totally talk advertising. I am looking to highlight some premium surf brands on my podcast, and I think you would be an excellent fit for the show.

I think we could do some awesome things together! Let me know your thoughts!

Shakas!
Trent

from: Mail Delivery Subsystem <[email protected]>
to: SURFLINE MAN <[email protected]> date: Jun 20, 2020, 5:31 AM
subject: delivery status notification (failure)

Address not found.

Your message wasn’t delivered because the address couldn’t be found or isn’t able to receive mail.

The response from the remote server was:
550 5.1.1 <[email protected]> Recipient address rejected: User does not exist.

from: SURFLINE MAN <[email protected]> to: [email protected]
date: Jun 20, 2002, 6:12 AM
subject: Sponsorship opportunity

Hi,

I have a not-to-be missed sponsorship opportunity that I feel would be a perfect fit for your brand.

The set-up: A group of veteran surfers, bored and discontent, heads to the BSR Wave Park in Waco to reconnect with one another and rekindle their stoke for surfing.

We plan an extensive social media push, including a Youtube vlog. I also plan several episodes on my podcast, Trent Talks Surf, which is now available on iTunes.

We’d love to offer you the opportunity to be our exclusive surfboard sponsor for the trip. We can offer exposure across our social media channels which feature a growing and affluent audience of surf enthusiasts.

I feel like a partnership would be mutually beneficial. Please let me know your thoughts at your earliest convenience!

Shakas!
Trent

from: SURFLINE MAN <[email protected]> to: Ryan <[email protected]>, Dax <[email protected]>, Mike <[email protected]>, Ben Stinson <[email protected]>, Darren Taylor <[email protected]>, Chad <[email protected]>, Kyle Davies <[email protected]>
date: Jun 21, 2020, 5:01 AM
subject: Surf Trip Plans!!
Surf trip buddies!

I am so excited about this trip, you guys! It’s going to be so much fun.

So I’ve been reaching out to some industry friends to get us a little sponsorship love and I feel pretty confident it’s going to work out. Some new boards would be pretty fucking sweet about now!

So I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have a podcast going now. It’s call Trent Talk Surf and you can find it on iTunes with all the rest of the cool kids. Next up, I’m trying to get Tom Lochtefeld, the dude who invented like all the wave pools to come on and talk about how they work. Should be so awesome!

Please leave me feedback on iTunes. Gotta feed the algorithm, you know! And share it on your social media. Every bit helps and we gotta pump the numbers, so we can score some shwag for our trip.

Okay, so dates! It looks like the week of July 20th is our best bet. We’ll leave from here in San Clemente on Saturday the 18th, 4am sharp! Drive like we stole it all the way to Texas, baby! No stops on the way, just drivin’

I’ll drive my Sprinter, but we probably need more than one car. Who else can drive?

I’ve made reservations for us at the wave pool. I just need you to venmo me $600 each to cover the cost.

That’s it for now! Stay tuned for a full itinerary!

Shakas!
Trent

from: Chad <[email protected]> to: SURFLINE MAN <[email protected]>, Ryan <[email protected]>, Dax <[email protected]>, Mike <[email protected]>, Ben Stinson <[email protected]>, Darren Taylor <[email protected]>, Kyle Davies <[email protected]>
date: Jun 21, 2020, 1:15 PM
subject: Surf Trip Plans!!

My buddy knows one of the guys at Saint Archer. Bet I can score us some brews!! I can’t drive but I’ll make a killer playlist. Gona be the best trip ever!!

Shakas!!!

from: Kyle <[email protected]>
to: SURFLINE MAN <[email protected]>, Ryan Smith <[email protected]>, Dax <[email protected]>, Mike Sweeney <[email protected]>, Ben Stinson <[email protected]>, Darren Taylor <[email protected]>, Chad <[email protected]> date: Jun 21, 2020, 2:23 PM
subject: Re: Surf Trip Plans!!

I looked on itunes and didn’t see the podcast. Can you send a link?

I’d drive, but my wife needs the Prius to get to work. Sorry!

sent from my iphone

from: Dax <[email protected]>
to: Kyle Davies <[email protected]>, SURFLINE MAN <[email protected]>, Ryan Smith <[email protected]>, Mike Sweeney <[email protected]>, Ben Stinson <[email protected]xsoftware.com>, Darren Taylor <[email protected]>, Chad <[email protected]>,
date: Jun 22, 2020, 2:30 AM
subject: Re: Surf Trip Plans!!

that’s cool you drive a prius man, super environmentally aware. we should all be more aware of our relationship with the planet. going green is so radical.

hey so i’m leading a drum circle for unity this saturday. you should all come out it’s going to be so spiritual and inspiring. also we’re taking up a collection for a soup kitchen in leucadia. it’s all organic and vegan. so conscious!

BLACK LIVES MATTER
Surfers for Justice
Donate: LA Freedom Fund
NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE
Coexist

from: Ryan Smith <[email protected]>
to: SURFLINE MAN <[email protected]>, Dax <[email protected]>, Mike Sweeney <[email protected]>, Ben Stinson <[email protected]>, Darren Taylor <[email protected]>, Chad <[email protected]>, Kyle Davies <[email protected]>, Dave <[email protected]>
date: Jun 23, 2020, 8:46 PM
subject: Surf Trip Plans!!

Ryan, here to save the day!! I can drive my Sprinter. I don’t know how you survive sharing the one car, Kyle. And a Prius, at that! You’re insane, basically. No way I could put up with that.

So we’re driving straight through on the way out? Ambitious, man, but I’m down.

We can take it more chill on the way home. Stop in Tucson for some party times with my bros, yew!

Can’t wait to score some sweet tubes!!

from: SURFLINE MAN <[email protected]> to: [email protected]
date: Jun 25, 2020, 5:56 AM
subject: Sponsorship opportunity

Just circling back on my previous note. I would not want you to miss out on this awesome opportunity for your brand!

from: SURFLINE MAN <[email protected]> to: [email protected]
date: Jun 20, 2002, 6:12 AM
subject: Sponsorship opportunity

[message clipped]

from: Mike Sweeney <[email protected]>
to: SURFLINE MAN <[email protected]>, <[email protected]>, Ryan Smith <[email protected]>, Ben Stinson <[email protected]>, Darren Taylor <[email protected]>, Chad <[email protected]>, Kyle Davies <[email protected]>
date: Jun 26, 2020, 9:45 AM
subject: Re: Re: SURF TRIP!!

Please kindly remove me from your list, thank you!

Mike Sweeney
Sweeney and Associates Financial Services, LLC
Newport Beach, California