"We hope we dodged a bullet."

A rare hurricane heading directly for Hawaii shifted slightly to the north and spared the iconic island chain of much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Hurricane Douglas had been tracking to land somewhere between Oahu and Kauai with National Weather Service meteorologists calling the storm a potentially deadly performer “bringing a triple threat of hazards, including, but not limited to, damaging winds, flooding rainfall and dangerously high surf.”

But have you ever known anyone who practiced musical theater? In that field a “triple threat” is someone who can sing, dance and act. Very devastating, leading to much destruction in the form of Cats, Rent and Into the Woods to name but three.

Some rain fell in Kauai and some rivers got choked out. Gentle rain fell in Oahu while blustery wind slapped palms. One small tree was false cracked on Maui and dropped onto a road.

Hawaii’s Governor David Ige told the press, “We hope that we dodged a bullet. We were fortunate in that we did not have major flooding or major dislocations.”

I had a major dislocation, once, at Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch in Lemoore, California. It was uncomfortable and lightly embarrassing though not as uncomfortable nor lightly embarrassing as Nick Carroll getting snaked by Vaughn Blakey and Sean Doherty on the final wave of the day.

Did you know that when you Google “Australian surf journalist” it comes up like this?

I hope Tim Baker doesn’t feel too comfortable with his Wikipedia and walled off “top of the pile” positioning. That’s our Longtom right below him and, unlike Hurricane Douglas, he will not shy away from a direct hit.

You’ve been warned Tim Baker. Best to start filling sandbags and laying them below your “featured snippet.”

The bleeding edge.

I consider myself something of an expert in the Hawaiian hand symbol that has been adopted (read: appropriated) by surfers worldwide. The “shaka” is ubiquitous on beaches from Manly to Martinique, Huntington to the Hamptons and in the award-nominated book Welcome to Paradise, Now Go to Hell (buy here) I wrote about it on Oahu’s North Shore.

I look away from Dusty and see Damea Dorsey, a photographer on retainer at TransWorld surf magazine, fiddling with a camera in the middle of Ke Nui near the Billabong house, and he motions for me to come to him by throwing an ironic shaka. The shaka, or hang-loose sign, is the classic hawaiian greeting. hawaii’s national wave. Thumb and little finger extend.

Index, middle, and ring finger bent into a fist. Those fresh from the mainland throw very tight shakas. That is to say, the smallest finger and thumb are made very straight and the rest of the fist is balled up very tight. hawaiians, and those who have been here many times, throw very loose shakas. They extend their open hand with smallest finger slightly above the ring finger and the thumb slightly open. how a man throws a shaka speaks volumes.

I used to throw ironic shakas, like Damea, all the time but it accidentally got into my blood and now I throw real shakas, loose hawaiian shakas, everywhere. To starbucks baristas in New York City and Parisian taxi drivers. I walk over to Damea.

Very fine but I have noticed, of late, an evolution. The ring finger has been pulled into the equation, generally extended ramrod straight in a slightly different direction from the pinkie. Like scissors maybe. Or one of the peace signs Justin Bieber/your streetwear wearing nephew makes when posing for pictures.

Note famous big wave surfer Jamie Mitchell’s usage.

And I would recommend adopting into your own shaka for you, too, will look like a famous big wave surfer and/or on the bleeding edge of Hawaiiana.

You’re welcome.

Many questions.

It is a beautiful day in southern California, positively glowing, and as I drove home from Beverly Hills’ Waldorf-Astoria, past Trestles and San Onofre, I wondered if that glow had anything to do with the shuttered San Onofre nuclear plant spewing a “liquid batch of radioactive effluent” into the Ocean Pacific just right there.

Maybe?

It was not an accidental spill but rather a “planned release” though still radioactive.

Dangerous?

California Edison, the proud owner of the power plant, claims, “No and here’s why. First, the dose is already small to begin with, diluted in thousands of gallons of water. Once released to the ocean, it mixes with vast quantities of ocean water. This serves to further dilute the discharge and reduce the dose below measurable levels. Second, radiation exposure to humans is based on pathways, the routes by which radioactivity might be transported. The primary pathway for liquid releases would be eating seafood (fish, crustaceans) that might accumulate radioactive material.”

But our Surfrider Foundation, who fought for these planned releases to be made public, may be less certain, declaring, “Edison explains that the effluent has been treated to a radiological dose level of just 0.00172 mrem, which when considered cumulatively with earlier batch releases this year, is 0.128% of the annual whole body dose limit (6 mrem). While this is well within their legal allowance set by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC), Surfrider believes that it’s important for the community to be able to make informed decisions about their potential exposure.”

Hmmmm.

And while I’m less worried about eating San Clemente’s fish and crustaceans I wonder about accumulation in surfboards.

Like, do Trestles surfers’ Pyzels and CIs, Mayhems too, begin growing when exposed, imperceptibly at first, robustly later, until they become nine-feet long and love cruising the knee-high rollers even closer to the power plant at San O?

Seems extremely likely.

Whilst driving past Trestles, I cranked my neck, per the norm, and the non-Trestles part I could see seemed generally uncrowded. San O, on the other hand, was packed. Nine-feet long surfboards soaking up more of that life-giving radioactive effluent.

Are longboarders retarded? Or wait, not retarded. That whole concept has been cancelled. I meant deformed. Are longboarders deformed normalboarders due radioactive exposure?

Discuss.