"Half of the year is basically uninhabitable. If
you bring it, we will watch."
Hey Elo,
I just want start with saying I love what you’ve done
with the 2021 year.
I’m with you, Pipe has already had its due. Let somewhere else
have the spotlight.
And Hossegor? Snoozefesttttttt.
If I wanted culture and pumping beachbreak barrels, I’d move
there.
I know you haven’t decided on the final yet, so I wanted to come
out and say that Michigan is interested.
Yes, I know it’s not the obvious choice, but let’s make some
waves, shall we?
And I know you miss Oprah. Chicago is right down the road. Don’t
you want to show her what you’ve accomplished?
The Great Lakes may not be the obvious choice, but as a fellow
Mid-Westerner, I hope you’ll hear me out.
1. Synergy
I actually don’t even know what this means, but I’ve got you hot
and bothered now huh?
2. Danger
I know Pipe is the most dangerous wave in the world, Turpel and
Pottz mention it every time Pipe even tangentially comes up. But
you know what’s really dangerous? Hypothermia. I want my champion
to have to brave the elements. You could even tweak into a
Survivor-type challenge. Let’s be honest, were not concerned with
the best surfer in the world anymore. That went out the window when
Kelly built his own event. We want entertainment. I want to see a
surfer lose a toe, now that’s a champion. Plus, a little more
synergy for ya. You can turn it into a reality show. Somewhere
between Deadliest Catch and Ice Road Truckers. I know WSL Studios
needs some more content.
3. The Best Surfer Will Win
Anyone can make an eight-foot Pipe wave look good. Even the
wipeouts look good. You really want to know who the best surfer in
the water is? Put him in a 6/5 with lobster gloves and tell him
he’s surfing one foot at five seconds slop. Now that’s a real
champion.
4. The Jeep Leaderboard Actually Works Here
You don’t drive a Prius ‘round here. Michiganders drive cars made
in the US of A baby. And you know that really kooky commercial
where Filipe “surfs the air?” That will kill here. Plus, added
bonus, you don’t have to change the voiceover, Michiganders will
never realize how kooky it is.
5. There’s No Sharks Here
We all know we’re in the midst of a shark-emic.
Just scroll through BeachGrit on any given
day. We are under attack. Now, I don’t know the WSL’s
financials, but based on quality of your product, I’m guessing
there pretty piss-poor. My guess is you just can’t handle any
liability right now. And your other options, namely Lowers,
reek of radioactive
water and baby Whites. Sure, we have our fair share of
hepatitis, but by the time the “athletes” figure it out you’ll be
in the clear.
6. Freshwater is the New Salt Water
Freshwater is in. The Surfer’s Journal just did a feature
on river surfing. Pro surfers are leaving San Clemente and Hawaii
to surf two-foot waves in Waco. Tosh Tudor, the son of the most
prominent salty purist around, has been dropping Waco clips, albeit
on a mid-length (I can’t pass up an opportunity to piss off
Joel). Waco.Have you ever been to Waco? Me neither.Yes, I’ll
give you credit Elo. You played a role in bringing in the
freshwater era when you told Kelly he could have his own wave. But
Lemoore just feels, stale. Waco is Twitter and Lemoore is Facebook.
That’s as clear as I can put it.
Now, I don’t want to completely blame you. But the clip of your
seated tube really didn’t help. Everyone knows that as soon as the
old people start to like something, the young people bail. Your
viral elation evaporated any “cool” that Lemoore had left.
7. Mid-Westerners Are Clamoring for Surfing
Okay, maybe not. But hear me out. You want to expand surfing?
You’ve been doing it all wrong. Bring it to them. Those coastal
cities already have surfing. If anything they’re pissed their break
is closed during the best days of the year. They don’t appreciate
what they have.
Quick fact for you. Detroit and Milwaukee, two Great Lake
cities, have less people combined than San Diego, but San Diego has
one major sports team to their seven. Those pesky city elites are
plenty busy with their yoga and acai bowls. They’re too busy to
watch sports. Mid-Westerners, on the other hand, have an abundance
of time. Half of the year is basically uninhabitable. If you bring
it, we will watch.
8. The Pabst Blue Ribbon Pro
It speaks for itself. Possibly the best event name of all time. You
already have Jeep, now let’s double down with the most mid-western
beer ever.
This is how you advertise to middle America. It just screams
‘Merica.
P.S. I can’t wait for the Ultimate Surfer. I can’t think of
anything more entertaining than watching perennial QS’ers stuff
themselves into a chest high barrel for 40 seconds. And if the
surfing gets old, the drama will be riveting. Lemoore is notorious
for its night life.