Surfing’s lunge for middle America: A persuasive case for the WSL Tour showdown in Lake Michigan!

"Half of the year is basically uninhabitable. If you bring it, we will watch."

Hey Elo,

I just want start with saying I love what you’ve done with the 2021 year.

I’m with you, Pipe has already had its due. Let somewhere else have the spotlight.

And Hossegor? Snoozefesttttttt.

If I wanted culture and pumping beachbreak barrels, I’d move there.

I know you haven’t decided on the final yet, so I wanted to come out and say that Michigan is interested.

Yes, I know it’s not the obvious choice, but let’s make some waves, shall we?

And I know you miss Oprah. Chicago is right down the road. Don’t you want to show her what you’ve accomplished?

The Great Lakes may not be the obvious choice, but as a fellow Mid-Westerner, I hope you’ll hear me out.

1. Synergy
I actually don’t even know what this means, but I’ve got you hot and bothered now huh?

2. Danger
I know Pipe is the most dangerous wave in the world, Turpel and Pottz mention it every time Pipe even tangentially comes up. But you know what’s really dangerous? Hypothermia. I want my champion to have to brave the elements. You could even tweak into a Survivor-type challenge. Let’s be honest, were not concerned with the best surfer in the world anymore. That went out the window when Kelly built his own event. We want entertainment. I want to see a surfer lose a toe, now that’s a champion. Plus, a little more synergy for ya. You can turn it into a reality show. Somewhere between Deadliest Catch and Ice Road Truckers. I know WSL Studios needs some more content.

3. The Best Surfer Will Win
Anyone can make an eight-foot Pipe wave look good. Even the wipeouts look good. You really want to know who the best surfer in the water is? Put him in a 6/5 with lobster gloves and tell him he’s surfing one foot at five seconds slop. Now that’s a real champion.

4. The Jeep Leaderboard Actually Works Here
You don’t drive a Prius ‘round here. Michiganders drive cars made in the US of A baby. And you know that really kooky commercial where Filipe “surfs the air?” That will kill here. Plus, added bonus, you don’t have to change the voiceover, Michiganders will never realize how kooky it is.

5. There’s No Sharks Here
We all know we’re in the midst of a shark-emic. Just scroll through BeachGrit on any given day. We are under attack. Now, I don’t know the WSL’s financials, but based on quality of your product, I’m guessing there pretty piss-poor. My guess is you just can’t handle any liability right now. And your other options, namely Lowers, reek of radioactive water and baby Whites. Sure, we have our fair share of hepatitis, but by the time the “athletes” figure it out you’ll be in the clear.

6. Freshwater is the New Salt Water
Freshwater is in. The Surfer’s Journal just did a feature on river surfing. Pro surfers are leaving San Clemente and Hawaii to surf two-foot waves in Waco. Tosh Tudor, the son of the most prominent salty purist around, has been dropping Waco clips, albeit on a mid-length (I can’t pass up an opportunity to piss off Joel). Waco.Have you ever been to Waco? Me neither.Yes, I’ll give you credit Elo. You played a role in bringing in the freshwater era when you told Kelly he could have his own wave. But Lemoore just feels, stale. Waco is Twitter and Lemoore is Facebook. That’s as clear as I can put it.

Now, I don’t want to completely blame you. But the clip of your seated tube really didn’t help. Everyone knows that as soon as the old people start to like something, the young people bail. Your viral elation evaporated any “cool” that Lemoore had left.

7. Mid-Westerners Are Clamoring for Surfing
Okay, maybe not. But hear me out. You want to expand surfing? You’ve been doing it all wrong. Bring it to them. Those coastal cities already have surfing. If anything they’re pissed their break is closed during the best days of the year. They don’t appreciate what they have.

Quick fact for you. Detroit and Milwaukee, two Great Lake cities, have less people combined than San Diego, but San Diego has one major sports team to their seven. Those pesky city elites are plenty busy with their yoga and acai bowls. They’re too busy to watch sports. Mid-Westerners, on the other hand, have an abundance of time. Half of the year is basically uninhabitable. If you bring it, we will watch.

8. The Pabst Blue Ribbon Pro
It speaks for itself. Possibly the best event name of all time. You already have Jeep, now let’s double down with the most mid-western beer ever.

This is how you advertise to middle America. It just screams ‘Merica.

P.S. I can’t wait for the Ultimate Surfer. I can’t think of anything more entertaining than watching perennial QS’ers stuff themselves into a chest high barrel for 40 seconds. And if the surfing gets old, the drama will be riveting. Lemoore is notorious for its night life.