Is there anything he can't do?
It hasn’t been the best few months on the biggest little surf website for 11x World Champion Robert Kelly Slater. Once only deified here, the relationship has taken a cantankerous turn in the past few months with charges of environmental duplicity (BeachGrit) leading to Instagram cancellation (Slater cancelling BeachGrit) leading to…
…well you know. You’ve been along for the ride but it is important for us not to forget that the greatest surfer of all-time is basically a saint.
Oh, not a saint of surf journalism, mind you, but one of a much higher varietal like Tom Hanks or Jane Fonda. A celebrity saint who exudes good deeds and as if to prove my point he recently used his celebrity saintly powers to free one of Joe Rogan’s very good friends, former special operative and current workout guru Pat McNamara, from Instagram purgatory.
Per Rogan: “Great news! Pat McNamara got his page back! The great and powerful @kellyslater sent me a message saying he knows someone at Instagram, and now it’s back!”
Wonder of all wonders but it does also make me wonder.
Who does Kelly Slater know at Instagram?
What had Pat McNamara done to lose his page?
Will “the great and powerful” Kelly Slater use those same vast powers of persuasion to free BeachGrit?
Unlikely on the third question but those first two I’m still very curious. Any saints of surf journalism care to take a crack?
I’ll wait patiently.
I don’t care how you feel about her at home. Just make sure she shows up for work at Suzy’ Wons house of massage!!
Is Pat, Garret McNamara’s sister?
Wouldnt be surprised if those great and powerful powers banished BG
The Unraveling of America
Altar boy
cos play
I’m kind of feeling like a “Saint of Commenters”…. yup, pretty much deserve it.
I’m always supportive, helping out the community, never sarcastic or caustic, rarely discuss politics and pretty much straight up good guy with a crisp hair cut and clean nails.
Not bragging, I’m sure everyone thinks like wise so it’s just an admission of facts.
You get my upvote my friend…but i still think you need 2 miracles
I once sweet talked a cop out of a seat belt fine…so I only need one more to claim my rightful sainthood status
It’s gonna be like a catholic church around here except we need Eppy to provide altar girls.
Ok, Maxwell, anyone know how to reach her?
At least the catholics let women and men in the same space.
Unlike my shit house islam.
Never a bad word about, misogynistic, racist, childrapist islamists round here.
Just a jolly ol romp thru the bloodstained desert by the proprietor
I been working on this idea for a porn movie for a while now…set in a confessional
” Holy father, forgive me for i have sinned. I have a constant fantasy about blowing my priest during my confession”
Am not sure where it goes from there, its still in development
Bless you, my child
Couple of priests at my school got married to the mums.
I actually used to get babysat by a couple…he a retired priest and she a retired nun
point on the doll where did they touch you pls hun…
You would need a magnifying glass to see it
The brothers at my rival high school used to host parties… mostly LSD and geeky kids. I knew a cool kid from little league that told me he was attending the parties.
Did not see him for years and he came home for break from Stanford, he was making LSD in the labs and had several sheets of hits. He was going to sell them to the brothers at the rectory…. how did they call it a rectory and get away with that?
Turns out, Greg was gay and the parties were psychedelic orgies. My sister’s doctorate thesis was on the practice and she interviewed several of my classmates.
Mate of mine lives in Indonesia and is a massive lech.
Likes to pick up hookers and fuck em doggy style while the call to prayer is playing on the TV.
bex, I was invited to look over the art direction of a wedding and the clients wanted a wall separating the dance floor so that males and females did not interact dancing. I’m not sure if the sexes dined together, but they did not dance together.
California is so out there man!
All I’m taking from all this after viewing Pat McNamara’s Intsa page is that i’m glad he’s not my neighbour. Every day would just be reminder of what a total pussy arse weakling I am.
All the pine trees, golf cart, the neighbor’s “Hardie Plank” siding in colonial blue, and crazy goatee. He is not my neighbor but I bet he lives closer to me than you. See him hitting the punching dummy?
God forbid if your cat took shit in his garden..
Him showing me how to tie knots in rope and saying “basic Dude stuff” every second sentence would be worse than the special ops beat down I’d have to endure after my cat shat in his garden.
Not sure what you’re on about Negs.
I did this workout last week with a broken leash pulling a rusted wheel skateboard and didn’t break a sweat.
Warriors have no beef with animals. Wrong take! Just cover it up, and eventually train your cat to run security on the small pest.
Chris Cote describes BeachGrit as a boutique surf blog which made me feel like a real wanker for coming here. This article is very boutique.
Where did he make this claim?
In his Monday M.A.S.S podcast dated 17 August, in the lead up to interviewing Chas. Recall he also called you Darren.
As boutique as using a black golf cart to workout without a shirt on while filming yourself?
Poor old Kelly
If he’d never started surfing he may have become a boozed-up secondhand car dealer in a plaid suit with a bad comb-over.
If you believe in reincarnation there’s a chance he’ll still reach those heights…
But imagine the self-belief of that car salesman!
Still can’t push a china board on me!
Somewhere, a thousand influencers are doing a thousand shuv its on a thousand skimboards in celebration.
Slater still trying to make up for the most cringe Rogan pod ever.
Get off the internet, Kelly. You’re nearly 50, you dumb old cunt.
jajajaja
He seems older than 50 with his racist and homophobic views. Poor cunt.
Just what old fuckers do innit? The less people pay attention to them the more extreme their opinions get. My old man is brutal these days.
Sounds to me like your best Beach Grit work still lays ahead.
Haha. Touché.
We agree, let me put this on the calendar….
So when you dropping that pulitzer article brother Chazz?
I’m waiting with bated breath
Yeah true. Don’t wanna think about it to be honest. Might go and get high and forget about it.
I believe we can draw parallels between Kelly’s Lemoore Wave Pool and Kelly’s Approach on Instagram.
The starting block doesn’t seem right, and you’re finished left at the starting block.
You hear the train a coming, you’re prompted to get in the way of perfection, all the while knowing you’re about to be dragged down the line and deposited in the shallows.
Sure, you could pull out ending your ride, but you’ll most certainly be met with strange stares, and dutifully delivered disdain by a Polynesian who has no earthly business being there.
His aim is to put you out to pasture.
All the road signs tell you you’re not doing it right, but you still drive onward knowing you’ll likely pay a big price.
You’ll know you’re close, cause he tells you you’re one block a way.
There’s something unnatural about the whole obscene affair, and you’re pretty sure Chinese girl friend-trolled you too.
Maybe Kelly is following Rogan to Texas and is going to take a stab at stand up comedy! Stab mag will report on his inaugural 5min set with the full transcript of “likes” and “you know” and “then I’m like.” We can all cringe then realizing Slater talks like a valley girl. At least he is nice enough to resurrect his buddy’s buds Instagram so I can get my workout on.
Does stab like Kelly?
I reached out to pending* Saint of Surf Journalism™, Sean Doherty (see below), asking for comment on what he’s found out about Kelly and his contact at Instagram, to which he replied, “I’m not getting into that. To be an effective surf journalist, you need to be bros. The more bros, the more books you get to write about them.” Then he hung up the phone.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
*Sean has started the process, reviewed by the Holy Jen See and has become beatified. He is now awaiting canonization by the Pope of Surf Journalism, who happens to be secret, mostly because I have not fleshed this whole thing out yet.
Sweet Mary Magdalame, what is this, The Distingy Code?
Ben Marcus is the Pope
Haha Yes!
no wonder Nick is cozying up to him?
FUCK YEAH! Way to go Kelly. I have to admit I had a quick look at Pat’s Insta and became somewhat sexually confused.
Mark Zuckerberg steps off the boat, exhausted from the day’s activities, including foiling and “accidentally” meeting up with great friend, Kai Lenny, continuing to foil while taking intermittent breaks to wolf down their fill of Quesaritos and Breakfast Crunchwrap Combos and to diarrhea, walks to the front door of his compound and is greeted by his wife, Priscilla, who is holding his phone up to his face.
“Hey, you’ve got about 20 direct messages on Instagram and about 30 missed calls,” she says.
“From who?” he asks.
“Kelly,” she answers.
Zuck groans audibly, grabbing his phone in frustration. He is wondering who the fuck gave Mr. Slater his new phone number, a phone number he got so he didn’t have to deal with Kelly calling him all the fucking time. He calls his voicemail to delete all the messages Kelly left, seemingly one for every time he called, completely filling it up, not even listening, just keeping pressing seven. While putting the phone up to his ear to gauge how close he is to finishing, he hears a snippet of one of Kelly’s messages..
“Hey, Mark, you know, we need to get Pat McNamara his Instagram page back. I mean, you as well as anyone, know that Instagram is life. It’s the most important medium we have in this crazy world. I’ve tried to reach out to my other contacts, but they aren’t answering. Anyway, I love you, brother… no, not in that kind of way, I’m not confused sexually. Alright, later.”
“What the fuck was that?” Zuck thinks to himself. “What a nut… I would like to get into Surf Ranch, though, without paying…. nah, not worth it, having to deal with this guy.” He periodically checks in to take stock of his progress.
“Hey, Zucky, man, this is the final message, but, like I can’t take the hint, but I’m sure you’re busy… did you know I know Joe Rogan and Elon Musk?… yeah, we’re bros. Anyway, Golden Ticket to Surf Ranch? No, well, we both know I don’t have a contact at Instagram and none of this happened. Never did, I just needed to feel important. To be clear, there is no mole, I hallucinated that. Musta been the ayahuasca. Anyway, have a great day. Btw, this is Kelly again, just to be clear.”
Sweet relief! With all the pretend voicemails cleared, no more of that bullshit for Mr. Zuckerberg. He walks past a mirror and smiles at himself looking like a retarded, midget Frankenstein mime.
Which all raises the question. Does Zuck know who Kai Lenny is? I mean, was he just out for some hyper sun protected foiling and some random raisin sized person foiled up and started on with such gibberish it confused him into thinking he must of met him in a Silicon Valley Wholefoods 10 years earlier.
Apparently the Asian wife-having phenomena has reached epic levels. https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
MMA is very gay. Surf athletes are dumb. Surfing is super fun.
true but thank god this guy lives in a golf cart community somewhere away from the ocean.. jesus.. I bet he really feels he has “made it”.. “I got me a golf cart muthafucka!!!”
I really appreciate the updates that you are STILL blocked by Ke11y.
Oh you’re welcome.
So, you gonna take a run at this or what? Christ, if for no other reason you should just because the news source you’ll be a cut n’ and a pastin’ is “69 News wfmz”.
https://www.wfmz.com/news/p…
If I gave a solitary fuck about social media, and was willing to lower myself to opening an Instagram account, I’d wear it as a badge of honor to be blocked by Kelly. Having achieved this is one of Chas’s saving graces.
You do by your participation here give a solitary fuck so no need to instagram.