Middle America tunes in to Rumble at the Ranch: “You want to watch a skinny lil bitch on a surfboard?”

Early takeaways from Lemoore…

My girlfriend wasn’t too stoked on Derek’s choice of photo for my last article (for those of you who didn’t see it – a very full bodied woman portrayed by Eddie Murphy in the movie Norbit) so naturally I was surprised when she sat down next to me as the Rumble at the Ranch began.

“So this wave is in Central California? That’s kinda cool.”

She always expresses interest in surfing for my sake, which I truly appreciate, but even she couldn’t keep up the façade.

Two waves into the contest, she had reached her breaking point.

“So this is kinda… boring.”

I nodded.

Don’t worry, I’ll spare you my description of the surfing, as poor writing coupled with boring surfing does little to tickle the soul.

Yes, the event felt dull and redundant, but after my recent shellacking in the comments for a more negative story, I have tried to brighten up my writing.

So here it goes, a few of my positive takeaways from the event.

Rosy Hodge

Candidly, Rosy’s commentary was poor. She appeared lost at times, even as Joe Turpel desperately tried to drag her into the conversation. When she did speak, her commentary was stunted and littered with “umms.”

I applaud Rosy. My guess is she couldn’t bring herself to continue the disingenuous excitement about safety surfing in an exhibition event staged in a pool. As prepped as I’m sure they were, she struggled to match Turpel’s patented prepared lines about how revolutionary the surfing was.

A veiled heroine.

“Groundswell”

Pure comedy.

If you didn’t watch, Joe Turpel and Peter Mel were convinced of this wave’s oceanlike quality.

Joe kept coming back with variations of “groundswell power” but my favorite has to go to Peter Mel.

In his discussion of the wave, he couldn’t help but mention the patented “groundswell technology.”

I struggle to find the words to adequately give that quote its due.

And if you didn’t enjoy their discussion of ground swell, Peter and Joe doubled down on the ocean-like nature of the mechanical wave, consistently stating variations of “the wave is really standing up now.”

It was, but it’s unnecessary to point out when the wave is engineered to stand up at that precise moment.

The Inevitable Checking of the Fins After a Fall

I really enjoyed this as I wholeheartedly relate.

Several surfers, after falling early, immediately flipped over their board to check their equipment.

I’ve done this on several occasions, and while this maneuver has never convinced anyone that it was actually the board, I applaud the effort.

Watching Filipe do it on the first wave of the day made me chuckle.

Strider’s Voice Inflection

Strider Wasilewski, the WSL’s resident ocean commentator, was situated on the back of a ski. The commentary would rarely switch over to his mic, but when it did, he produced gems.

At first, his joyful exclamations at safety surfing was annoying, but it really started to grow on me.

The disconnect between what I was watching and what I was hearing was delightful.

Like listening to a Latin America soccer game while watching curling.

Strider really hit full stride when he picked up Slater, who had just fallen needing a score.

Strider coyly asked if Slater needed the Heimlich Maneuver, and then motioned to his neck to mimic choking.

I’ll bet Elo already has Strider on timeout.

Kelly Slater and Adrian de Souza’s First Wave

I couldn’t believe it.

After Slater showed the world “the perfect wave” just days after de Souza’s coronation as world champ, here he was, at the very same wave, talking over de Souza’s first ride at the Ranch.

Slater was fairly gracious after he stopped talking over de Souza’s ride (albeit halfway through) but the timing was spectacular and I’d say too perfect to be coincidental.

The perfect finger in the eye from the champ.

“A wave system in Texas”

During one of Coco Ho’s rides, one of the commentators mentioned how Coco was coming off an injury sustained in “a wave system in Texas.”

It’s just too perfect.

The WSL encapsulated in five words.

Out of touch but refusing to admit it.

The Comment Section

Truly the only thing that got me through the event. Pure art.

(Editor’s note: Longtom’s analysis live in sixty-nine minutes…)