Here (pictured) is a pigeon with a backpack full of drugs. I'd imagine the huckster and him hang out.
Here (pictured) is a pigeon with a backpack full of drugs. I'd imagine the huckster and him hang out.

“Heroic” pigeon escapes death penalty after it was revealed his trip from America to Australia was fraudulent: “The bird band in Australia is counterfeit and not traceable. They do not need to kill him.”

Yago Dora rejoices.

The professional surf world let out a collective sigh of relief, yesterday, when it was revealed that the heroic pigeon who made the very impressive trip from Oregon to Melbourne was, in fact, a low-level huckster wearing a counterfeit leg band likely in order to score chicks.

The revelation spared the bird the death penalty, which would have set a very rough precedent for professional surfers coming to Melbourne from America, Brazil, Europe ahead of the 2020/21 World Surf League Championship Tour re-start at Bells Beach.

Deone Roberts, sport development manager for the Oklahoma-based American Racing Pigeon Union, was the person who alerted Australian authorities that the band was fake.

“The bird band in Australia is counterfeit and not traceable,” Roberts said. “They do not need to kill him.”

Australia’s Agriculture Department, which is responsible for biosecurity, agreed that the pigeon dubbed Joe, after U.S. President-elect Joe Biden, was wearing a “fraudulent copy” leg band.

“Following an investigation, the department has concluded that Joe the Pigeon is highly likely to be Australian and does not present a biosecurity risk,” it said in a statement.

Very uncool for the Australian to pretend to be American but we live in unprecedented times.

Yago Dora, anyhow, most relieved about the stay of execution.

Whew.


Mick Fanning and Ross Williams absolutely roast Julian Wilson, Jordy Smith, Filipe Toledo, women in penultimate episode of Getting Heated: “Daddy, I don’t want to hear that. Can you put your headphones on?”

More questions than answers.

We were introduced to the World Surf League’s new spitfire Getting Heated just days ago, promising “the most opinionated personalities in the sport” engaging in “the hottest debate.” The featured talent being that cat with many lives Mick Fanning and surfer-cum-coach-cum-broadcaster extraordinaire Ross Williams.

The penultimate episode was just released co-co-starring The Lineup’s own Dave Prodan.

A beautiful rainbow of diversity.

But here we are.

Julian Wilson, Jordy Smith, Filipe Toledo, women equally roasted beyond recognition.

Or do you still recognize their superior bone structure from those nasty ashes?

More questions than answers.

I was trying to answer for you, honestly, to save some work but my young daughter cut me off directly when I was making dinner (rice, asparagus, chicken) while surf journalizing saying, “Daddy, I don’t want to hear that. Can you put headphones on?”

Prescient?

Watch here.


Gnarly surf locals!

VAL-Lit: “Is competence still a prerequisite for localism? Or have we substituted financial wellbeing and an abundance of free time for skill?”

The corruption of a great meritocracy… 

The parking lot is mellow. Sleepy even.

It’s the day after Christmas. The kinda day where the street is littered with kids ripping the tags off of wetsuits and brandishing new boards.

Retirees holding onto golden retrievers mill about. The occasional tennis ball is lazily thrown into the grass.

Surfers line the bluff, squinting through hungover eyes as they sip their coffee.

A small group of bodies buoy around the main peak. To the north an unridden waist-high right reels into the cove. The surf matches the atmosphere on the bluff. Subdued. Quiet.

My dad and I scramble down the cliff and gingerly wade out over the cobble stones.

We paddle slowly to the empty peak as the sun peeks over the bluff.

The surf is lully. A small set hits the reef every ten minutes or so. We laugh about how drunk my uncle was last night in between waves. The occasional surfer crawls down the cliff but somehow our little peak is left alone.

An hour in, a lone surfer paddles north from the southern peak. He’s middle aged, riding what appears to be an oversized short board. Something probably labeled as a high-performance mid-length. Maybe called a hybrid.

He paddles with purpose, projecting the kind of confidence that makes me think he surfs here pretty often. I nod to him as he passes, but he ignores my attempt at eye contact and paddles to our inside. We watch as he paddles frantically for a few small sets only for them to go unridden.

He looks frustrated.

A larger set appears on the horizon. I position myself while watching him out of the corner of my eye. He’s too deep. Still, he swings his board around under the boil.

I do a few half paddles, knowing that the wave is going to break on his head but not wanting to disrespect him. At the last second, he looks up at me and says “Go.”

It’s too late. The set passes and reels off, unridden. He glares at me and paddles back to my inside, mumbling to himself.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CKC8gRJjZXc/

I look up at the cliff. A train of five 40 somethings gracelessly make their way down. They fan out underneath us and the silence is broken by questions like “so how long will you be in town.”

One of them paddles up to me.

“Brrr. Water’s cold huh?”

I politely give a few half answers before he moves on. My dad signals to me on the inside that he’s headed in.

I start to make my way in as one of the five paddles up to the “local,” grinning.

“Great day huh?”

He responds dryly. “It was. Did you guys all drive together in a fucking station wagon or what?”

The group stares wide eyed back. Nervous laughter fills the silence.

Up on the cliff, my dad looks at me. “That guy was a dick.” I try to explain to him that you don’t paddle out as a group, but he shakes his head.

“If you can’t catch a wave, you shouldn’t be barking at anyone else.”

I’m conflicted on the drive home.

Is competence still a prerequisite for localism? Or have we substituted financial wellbeing and an abundance of free time for skill?

Are we really fine with middle aged men pissed off at their inability to paddle into waves yelling at competent yet kooky weekend warriors?

It seems to me that our meritocracy has been corrupted.

Localism has become the practice of retired white-collar professionals who can afford beach-front housing rather than lifelong surfers sacrificing an hour of sleep to sneak in a few waves before work.

It doesn’t feel earned any more. It feels bought.

Or am I wrong?


Recently cancelled surf-adjacent musical artist Ariel Pink goes on Tucker Carlson to explain his side of story: “This pretty much leaves me destitute and on the street.”

"Standing up for what is right."

A short few days, or some such, ago we were re-acquainted with the surf-adjacent musical artist Ariel Pink, first introduced to us by the greatest surf photo editor the world has ever known, Pete Taras.

Pink, as you certainly recall, was dropped by his surf-esque label Mexican Summer for appearing at a Trump rally on the White House lawn. The very same rally that preceded troubles at the United States Capitol. The singer/songwriter insisted, via tweet, that he had gone back to his hotel to nap after the rally, did not partake in shenanigans and was against “violent confrontation or rioting.”

Nevertheless, dropped and silenced… until he surprised his most ardent fans with an appearance on Fox News’ Tucker Carlson program.

Shall we watch together?

But how does it make you feel?

Sad?

Upset?

Warmed by Tucker Carlson’s gentle, fatherly tone?

Share with your friends below.


Li'l wimps.
Li'l wimps.

Surfers unexpectedly benefit from effects of climate change once again as new study reveals warmer ocean waters making baby sharks “smaller, undernourished and exhausted!”

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo...

BeachGrit, as you well know, is an anti-depressive place where lemons are magically turned into lemonade daily. Soul quenching. Take, for example, the specter of zero surf contests from now until next year at this time. We already know how to craft entire narratives around the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater that need neither heats nor heat strategy.

Or the horrible nightmare of climate change displacing vast populations, destroying sensitive environments, really being lame. Except here, for us surfers, climate change is making our surf bigger and better and now, as just revealed, making our number one enemy weaker.

New researcher out of Australia examining the effects of warming temperatures on the growth, development and physiology of the Great Barrier Reef’s epaulette sharks found that in warmer waters, shark embryos grew faster and used their yolk sac — their only source of food in this developmental stage — quicker. The man-eaters hatched earlier, were born smaller, and needed to feed straight away, but lacked energy to bite toes, legs, etc.

Jodie Rummer, co-author and associate professor at the ARC Centre of Excellence for Coral Reef Studies, released the following statement regarding the study: “The epaulette shark is known for its resilience to change, even to ocean acidification,” So, if this species can’t cope with warming waters then how will other, less tolerant species fare?”

“The study presents a worrying future given that sharks are already threatened,” lead author Carolyn Wheeler said in another statement, continuing, “Sharks are important predators that keep ocean ecosystems healthy. Without predators, whole ecosystems can collapse, which is why we need to keep studying and protecting these creatures.”

Here’s to the world’s most environmentally damaging person for not only keeping us entertained in these difficult times, but keeping us safe.

Über anti-depressive.