Listen: “World Surf League attempts to broadcast beautiful rainbow of diversity, ends up with most whitewashed program in filmographic history!”

A vigorous shade of tan-adjacent.

Days ago, our World Surf League unveiled its brand new web series Getting Heated hosted by Mick Fanning and Ross Williams wherein those two “most opinionated personalities in the sport” engage in “the hottest debate.” I had been hearing about the concept for months now from various industry sources. It was supposed to be a version of ESPN’s First Take featuring Stephen A. Smith, Max Kellerman and Molly Qerim Rose, a beautiful rainbow of diversity, but somehow ended up Mick and Ross.

Now ponder hard. Has there every been a more whitewashed couple in filmographic history? Strap down that thinking cap. Director Leni Riefenstahl came close in the 1930s but fell short of Getting Heated’s monotone consistency. Possibly David Crane’s NBC hit Friends but, again, lacking the same exact vigorous shade of tan-adjacent.

A wonderful metaphor for the WSL, I think. Aiming for something, pulling the bowstring back, letting the arrow fly and missing the mark so robustly as to be considered performance art.

David Lee and I discussed Getting Heated today along with Popeye’s famous chicken sandwiches, pretzel buns, skiing, Ariel Pink and Bells Beach.

Feel free to listen to it now or later.

Surfer screams “I hate Kelly Slater” after being arrested at popular Los Angeles beach following explosive incident in water!

This is America.

A surfer has been arrested this afternoon following an argument after a drop-in and a foot chase by police.

The man, filmed here being restrained by police, was surfing El Porto, a popular beach close to the guts of LA and right next to the dirty old Chevron Oil Refinery.

Acording to the filmer, @spunmonks, the man was burned on a wave by a “bald-headed guy. They both came in and got dressed in the parking lot and then he wanted to fight him saying ‘I HATE YOU KELLY SLATER!’ The bald guy ended up calling the cops and this video is at the end of a foot chase after the man kicked a cop car.”

The new, kinder strain of the LAPD is seen in the video as the cop on right attempts to calm the excited man with gentle shoulder rubs.

Fisheries catch "mammoth" Great White, second-biggest in the state's history, off popular Cottesole beach.

Perth swimmer hit by ten-foot bull shark six miles from the ocean; CPR on beach, man in ICU: “This thing came out of the deep and (he) called out ‘shark’. There was just blood everywhere, red water.”

The attack confirms, as if confirmation was necessary, Western Australia’s reputation as the shark attack capital of the world.

A Perth man was rushed to hospital yesterday with serious leg injuries after being hit by a suspected ten-foot bull shark in Perth’s Swan River, the first attack of its sort in fifty years.

The attack, at a deep-water part of the Swan River called Blackwall Reach, which is popular with cliff divers, has always had bit of a rep as being sharky, although no attacks.

The last fatal hit in the river was in 1923 and the last attack, a minor bite on a teenage sea scout, was in 1969.

Cameron Wrathall was swimming in fifteen-foot deep water with his buddy Richard O’Brien when O’Brien saw a large fin surface near his pal.

“This thing came out of the deep and Cameron called out ‘shark’. There was just blood everywhere, red water.” Mr O’Brien told Nine News Perth reporter Lucy McLeod.

Wrathall was bitten on the leg and thigh. The pair attempted to swim to shore and were helped by a couple of kayakers and a paddleboarder, the kayakers using a shirt as a tourniquet.

CPR was performed on the beach and the man is currently in ICU after surgery.

The attack confirms, as if confirmation was necessary, Western Australia’s reputation as the shark attack capital of the world.

Three weeks ago, the second-biggest Great White shark ever seen in Western Australia was caught and tagged just offshore a popular city beach. Surf Life Saving WA said thirty-one sharks had been spotted in that same week, closing eleven beaches and warned of an “abnormally high number of sharks.”

The “mammoth” Great White swimming so close to a popular beach, it said, was “not an isolated incident.”

It followed two fatal attacks by Great Whites in Esperance,diver Gary Johnson in January and surfer Andrew Sharpe in October.

In July, a surfer survived being hit by a “freakishly big” Great White at Bunker Bay, a few hours south of Perth.

And in November, bodyboarder Charles Cernobori was killed by a suspected bull or tiger shark at Cable Beach, Broome, in Western Australia’s north-west.

A recent poll of 1071 Perth beachgoers found three-quarters were too terrified to go more than thirty-feet from shore.

Heroic pigeon who traveled across the Pacific from the United States to Australia set to be executed for ignoring country’s quarantine restrictions: “It poses a direct biosecurity risk to Australian bird life and our poultry industry!”

What then does this mean for our professional surfers?

Joe is a very talented racing pigeon from the United States who became confused during a race in Oregon, turned right and flew, or maybe hitched a ride on a cargo ship, for an extraordinary 8000 miles (13000 kilometers) to Melbourne, Australia.

Kevin Celli-Bird, a resident of the country’s cultural capital, found the exhausted bird in his backyard on Dec. 26th. “It rocked up at our place on Boxing Day. I’ve got a fountain in the backyard and it was having a drink and a wash. He was pretty emaciated so I crushed up a dry biscuit and left it out there for him,” he told the Associated Press.

“Next day, he rocked back up at our water feature, so I wandered out to have a look at him because he was fairly weak and he didn’t seem that afraid of me and I saw he had a blue band on his leg. Obviously he belongs to someone, so I managed to catch him.”

The Oklahoma-based American Racing Pigeon Union has confirmed that Joe was registered to an owner in Montgomery, Alabama.

Celli-Bird let the heroic bird go, infuriating the “the notoriously strict” Australian Quarantine and Inspection Service who are now seeking to re-capture and execute Joe for flaunting protocols.

The service released a statement reading, “The bird is not permitted to remain in Australia” because it “could compromise Australia’s food security and our wild bird populations. It poses a direct biosecurity risk to Australian bird life and our poultry industry.”

They are currently hunting the gallant creature.

All to say, our professional surfers are set to re-start the severely bungled 2020/21 World Surf League Championship Tour at Bells Beach, very near Melbourne, in three short months. Word coming out of Australia is that there will be no quarantine exceptions made for those coming into the country. They will each have to quarantine in hotel rooms for two weeks, without leaving, and after their two weeks will only be able to surf in their heats, not being allowed to play in the ocean otherwise.

Much time in hotel rooms.

Notoriously strict.

Do you think our professional surfers will be able to abide by the rules?

Do you think they will be executed if they do not?

How will World Surf League CEO Erik Logan screw it all up this time?

A racing pigeon was sold at auction for $1.9 million this past November, which means they are very much more valuable than our professional surfers.

Guillotine for the top 20?

CEO Erik Logan helping to hold them in place before the blade drops?

Blood gushing down Hosier Lane?

More as the story develops.

Watch: “Talented waterman and big mountain charger” Chuck Patterson ski the day-of-all-days at Mavericks!


Where does novelty rank, for you, in surfing? Love every twist of our favorite, or second favorite, pastime? Hate the desecration? An earnest shrug? A less-than-earnest shrug?

Well, whatever your feelings, Chuck Patterson just skied the day-of-all-Mavericks-days. The same one that saw Peter Mel enter the quinquagenarian hall of fame.

Patterson, whose website describes him as, “Versatile. Adaptable. Accomplished. A few of the words that exemplify the spirit of the talented waterman and big mountain charger. A master of not just one or two disciplines, but seven,” has also skied Jaws.

What are the seven disciplines?

When Nike launched into action sports it had 6 as part of Nike 6.0. Has Patterson discovered a hidden one? The holy grail of extreme?

Let’s hope.