Cholula.

Cape Cod surf shops cannot keep shark deterrents in stock after a massive spike in shark attacks over the past two Summers of Blood. Or maybe it was two summers ago and last summer was ok because Covid-19 restrictions kept everyone out of the water.

In any case, shark deterrents are a hotter game than ever because if there’s one thing VALs love, it is summer surfing.

Olaf Valli, owner of Wellfleet’s Sickday surf shop, told The Boston Herald, “People want to get back in the water. And people living on the Cape and visiting the Cape have decided that spending $500 on a system to decrease the risk of an interaction with a shark is well worth it.”

Local Orleans resident, and SUP pilot, Marc Angelillo added, “Much more people have been wearing these over the last few years. It’s been growing exponentially. Whether it’s 40% or 60% or 80% effective at reducing the chances of being bitten, it’s better than no percent.”

The spike in sales rides a recent study from Australia’s Flinders University that electronic deterrents could save 1,063 people from getting bitten by sharks across that by 2066 and could avert more than 3,000 “incidents” across Australia over the next four-plus decades.

That seems extremely arbitrary but the lead author of the study, Professor Corey Bradshaw, doubled down saying, “We found that thousands of people would potentially not get bitten, and several hundred people would not die. None of these devices will prevent a shark from biting you, but it reduces the probability. It’s like dumping hot sauce on the prey, so it makes the shark think twice about biting it.”

Do sharks not like hot sauce?

I think that is a leap Professor Bradshaw should not be comfortable in making.

I like hot sauce and imagine hot sauce would compliment the soft, quivering VAL flesh very nicely.

Yum.

The only real question is which sort of hot sauce? Some peppery Cajun fire? A flavorful Mexican dash? Vietnamese bang bang boogie?

Discuss below.

Welcome to ghost white.

Social science has long held, as fact, that surfing and surf culture reached peak whiteness in the early 1980s with no possible, or probable, way to grow any whiter as it shifted from “snow” to “baby powder.”

That supposition was blown to smithereens, over the weekend, however, with the release of country superstar Luke Bryan’s new music video “Waves.”

Shot on location in Malibu, it features two young surfers who fall in love after an extreme wipeout. They proceed to play games on the pier, canoodle under the fireworks and eat many tasty treats.

The boy rides what appears to be an 8’0 funboard.

The girl a yellow’d chunky thruster likely in the 6’2 range.

The surprise twist, revealed at the end, is that they are now both elderly and still in love, suggesting the funboard and thruster were present in the 1950s.

Surfing and surf culture have now, officially, reached ghost white.

Jingoism.

If there is one narrative that has become cemented amongst grouchy fans of professional surfing, and its cadre of grumpy surf journalists, it is that there are simply too many professional surfers on tour. That the draw should be stripped back, losing perennial losers, the best of the best finishing in one swell window etc.

You’ve heard it many times because I’ve said it many times and likely written it more but yesterday evening found me minding my own business, scrolling through Instagram messages when I was almost punched off my stool.

Read with me.

I can’t disagree with you more regarding your desire for a championship tour with only the 10 ‘best’ surfers in the world. There should be more surfers on tour. In no other professional sport are there only 10 elite athletes competing. For example, 128 athletes compete in each tennis grand slam. More surfers, from more countries, makes professional surfing much more interesting. It would also mean more money for the sport due to increased viewership. A greater number of surfers on the championship tour also increases the chance of their being more characters in the sport. If someone only enjoys watching the top 10, there’s always the option of only watching their specific heats. More surfers on tour will create more interesting stories in surfing and more rivalries in the sport. The best ranked surfers aren’t always the most enjoyable to watch. I would like to see a minimum of 48 surfers on the CT, with 4 man heats from R1 to the final.

I parried, “Are there enough that aren’t boring?” and was directly hit between the eyes with…

Absolutely, the top 200 surfers in the world all rip, and are entertaining to watch. 4 man heats are always more exciting, there’s more action and more potential for drama. The key to growing viewership is having more countries represented on the CT. For example, when Tiago surfed, Portuguese surfers, and Portuguese sports fans in general, tuned in. The WSL needs a new format for the QS, that ensures each major surfing nation has at least one surfer competing on the CT at all times, this is easily done. The more reasons to watch, the more that will watch. More surfers, and more countries represented will do this. I’m already tired of watching Italo v Gab, imagine that for the next 10 years. Sure, they might still make every final, but along the way 4 man heats will provide compelling viewing for a variety of surf and sport fans all over the world. Nationalism could save the WSL.

Whoa.

Have I been wrong this whole time? Should the WSL explode its ranks and become a jingoistic free for all, flags waving, insults hurled, etc. Hooligan supporter groups?

Is this what the International Surfing Association does?

Am I missing out?

Help!