"Pour some hot sauce on me, oooh in the name of love..."
"Pour some hot sauce on me, oooh in the name of love..."

Cape Cod sees explosion in shark deterrent sales as surfers paddle back out after consecutive Summers of Blood: “It’s like dumping hot sauce on the prey, so it makes the shark think twice about biting it!”


Cape Cod surf shops cannot keep shark deterrents in stock after a massive spike in shark attacks over the past two Summers of Blood. Or maybe it was two summers ago and last summer was ok because Covid-19 restrictions kept everyone out of the water.

In any case, shark deterrents are a hotter game than ever because if there’s one thing VALs love, it is summer surfing.

Olaf Valli, owner of Wellfleet’s Sickday surf shop, told The Boston Herald, “People want to get back in the water. And people living on the Cape and visiting the Cape have decided that spending $500 on a system to decrease the risk of an interaction with a shark is well worth it.”

Local Orleans resident, and SUP pilot, Marc Angelillo added, “Much more people have been wearing these over the last few years. It’s been growing exponentially. Whether it’s 40% or 60% or 80% effective at reducing the chances of being bitten, it’s better than no percent.”

The spike in sales rides a recent study from Australia’s Flinders University that electronic deterrents could save 1,063 people from getting bitten by sharks across that by 2066 and could avert more than 3,000 “incidents” across Australia over the next four-plus decades.

That seems extremely arbitrary but the lead author of the study, Professor Corey Bradshaw, doubled down saying, “We found that thousands of people would potentially not get bitten, and several hundred people would not die. None of these devices will prevent a shark from biting you, but it reduces the probability. It’s like dumping hot sauce on the prey, so it makes the shark think twice about biting it.”

Do sharks not like hot sauce?

I think that is a leap Professor Bradshaw should not be comfortable in making.

I like hot sauce and imagine hot sauce would compliment the soft, quivering VAL flesh very nicely.


The only real question is which sort of hot sauce? Some peppery Cajun fire? A flavorful Mexican dash? Vietnamese bang bang boogie?

Discuss below.

"What counts is what he represents. Surfing is a game and a hustle. For all of us, just on different levels. You want to surf a lot, you gotta hustle. You lie to your boss, your wife. You break laws, even if its just jumping lights to get to the beach faster. And . . . and . . . you try and do it with style! You out-style the fuckers! So Dora." Matt Warshaw on Miki Dora.

Los Angeles clothing brand launches GoFundMe to save iconic 1967 Miki Dora Da Cat surfboard from “prison sentence” attached to wall of non-surfer’s house: “F*%k this collector crap, let’s gamestop this bitch and lose it into the rocks like kings!”

“In Miki’s spirit let’s buy his board and ride it. We cannot let yet another collector dry dock this thing."

In a response to the auction of a raft of iconic surfboards this Friday, Silver Lakes-based clothing brand Innocnts has launched a GoFundMe account in the hope of saving collector surfboards from a “prison sentence” attached to the wall of non-surfing collectors.

“It seems disrespectful to the object to not let it serve its purpose,” says Innocnts. “A slap in the face to the many hands that poured their time, energy and mana into the chunk of foam. The modern surf shop is a grotesque hangman’s gallows, a perversion of the American dream. The equipment worth riding gathers dust hanging from nooses while they only sell rows of pop-out soft-tops. This is a jail break coup! Oh and also the so called ‘collectors’ only have enough money to ‘collect’ because they were too busy working to surf. Most of them can’t even stand up on a board and never could. Fuck em.”

The brand figures, raise money, buy as many boards as funds allow, let ‘em be ridden.

“This is not an investment to make money. We are going to ride it. If you donate over 100$ your name goes on a list and if you present your photo ID and negative Covid test you get to ride the board at first point Malibu. The board will have security with mirrored sunglasses and a velvet rope.”

The first goal is the acquisition of a 1967 Miki Dora Da Cat model, predicted to sell for ten gees.

“In Miki’s spirit let’s buy his board and fucking ride it. We cannot let yet another collector dry dock this thing. We must prevent another grotesque wall hanging (prison sentence) !!! This is the way. We need to know if we can count on you as no limit soldiers?!? Are you in?! Fuck this collector crap let’s gamestop this bitch and lose it into the rocks like kings !!! If we do not meet our goal you get your money back. If we win this board we win it together! It’s simple ! Do the math.”

And, more importantly, “Donate, repost and spread the gospel. (We) are taking back the culture one wall hanger at a time!”

So far, a thousand bucks in the kitty.

Donate here. 

Watch: In stunning move once deemed impossible, surfing grows a shade whiter with release of country superstar Luke Bryan’s new music video “Waves!”

Welcome to ghost white.

Social science has long held, as fact, that surfing and surf culture reached peak whiteness in the early 1980s with no possible, or probable, way to grow any whiter as it shifted from “snow” to “baby powder.”

That supposition was blown to smithereens, over the weekend, however, with the release of country superstar Luke Bryan’s new music video “Waves.”

Shot on location in Malibu, it features two young surfers who fall in love after an extreme wipeout. They proceed to play games on the pier, canoodle under the fireworks and eat many tasty treats.

The boy rides what appears to be an 8’0 funboard.

The girl a yellow’d chunky thruster likely in the 6’2 range.

The surprise twist, revealed at the end, is that they are now both elderly and still in love, suggesting the funboard and thruster were present in the 1950s.

Surfing and surf culture have now, officially, reached ghost white.

Surf fan boldly weaves from staid narrative of cutting tour surfers by half, suggests ballooning to 200 per event: “Nationalism could save the World Surf League!”


If there is one narrative that has become cemented amongst grouchy fans of professional surfing, and its cadre of grumpy surf journalists, it is that there are simply too many professional surfers on tour. That the draw should be stripped back, losing perennial losers, the best of the best finishing in one swell window etc.

You’ve heard it many times because I’ve said it many times and likely written it more but yesterday evening found me minding my own business, scrolling through Instagram messages when I was almost punched off my stool.

Read with me.

I can’t disagree with you more regarding your desire for a championship tour with only the 10 ‘best’ surfers in the world. There should be more surfers on tour. In no other professional sport are there only 10 elite athletes competing. For example, 128 athletes compete in each tennis grand slam. More surfers, from more countries, makes professional surfing much more interesting. It would also mean more money for the sport due to increased viewership. A greater number of surfers on the championship tour also increases the chance of their being more characters in the sport. If someone only enjoys watching the top 10, there’s always the option of only watching their specific heats. More surfers on tour will create more interesting stories in surfing and more rivalries in the sport. The best ranked surfers aren’t always the most enjoyable to watch. I would like to see a minimum of 48 surfers on the CT, with 4 man heats from R1 to the final.

I parried, “Are there enough that aren’t boring?” and was directly hit between the eyes with…

Absolutely, the top 200 surfers in the world all rip, and are entertaining to watch. 4 man heats are always more exciting, there’s more action and more potential for drama. The key to growing viewership is having more countries represented on the CT. For example, when Tiago surfed, Portuguese surfers, and Portuguese sports fans in general, tuned in. The WSL needs a new format for the QS, that ensures each major surfing nation has at least one surfer competing on the CT at all times, this is easily done. The more reasons to watch, the more that will watch. More surfers, and more countries represented will do this. I’m already tired of watching Italo v Gab, imagine that for the next 10 years. Sure, they might still make every final, but along the way 4 man heats will provide compelling viewing for a variety of surf and sport fans all over the world. Nationalism could save the WSL.


Have I been wrong this whole time? Should the WSL explode its ranks and become a jingoistic free for all, flags waving, insults hurled, etc. Hooligan supporter groups?

Is this what the International Surfing Association does?

Am I missing out?


A close approximation of what Super Dad looks like.

Blue-eyed, blond-haired Australian surfer revealed to have sired an incredible 48 kids, “I was shocked that he had fathered 48 children, but we couldn’t be happier with our family and will never regret a moment”

Super dad!

Who doesn’t want a gorgeous little bambino to bounce on knee and raise to greatness, a realisation of all our failed ambitions?

I got three and if finances permitted, would sire many, many more.

For those who don’t have a stud, or find the idea of a man jackhammering ‘em full of hot mucous too hideous to bear, the answer to completing the genetic puzzle lies in an anonymous sperm donor.

And, today, it can be revealed that Australia’s most prolific sperm donor, known only by a serial number and his dreamy physical characteristics, a blond, blue-eyed surfer, has fathered an eye-watering forty-eight children, including five in one family and a handful of others living in nearby neighbourhoods.

But, and this is a doozy, the exploding number of “diblings” or donor siblings increases the chance that one of the kids is gonna meet, fuck and impregnate or get impregnated by their half-bro or half-sis.


Queensland’s The Courier-Mail reports,

Fertility specialist David Molloy told The Courier-Mail that 48 children was an extraordinary number of donor siblings from one donor, and was the most he had heard of “by a long shot”.

“It is usually planned that the mothers would live thousands of miles away from each other,” he said.

In the early 2000s sperm donors were allowed to service 20 families, but today the limit is 10.

Within the Queensland Fertility Group there have been 1500 births from sperm donors in five years.

The donors have no parental rights over the children.

When a donor child turns 18, they can seek out the identity of the donor.”

One couple Shannon Ashton and her wife Lisa, have got five of the surfer stud’s kids, aged one to fifteen.

“I did a lot of my own investigation about the sperm donor,” Ashton told The Courier-Mail. “I was shocked that he had fathered 48 children, but we couldn’t be happier with our family and will never regret a moment. I was attracted to the idea of an outdoor, fit and healthy man, and an Aussie surfer who also played rugby was ideal. And my kids are all very sporty.”