No. 2 pencils only.

As revealed, moments ago, one-time Venice-adjacent surf magazine Stab is hiring (youth only) for a coveted new Byron Bay position but first a quiz must be taken. No. 2 pencils only.

(Just kidding. If you’re using a no. 2 pencil it means you are old.)

Begin.

1. Air quiz | Why will the name Zoltan Torkos forever be part of surfing’s aerial history?

He landed the first backflip

He was the first surfer to land an air at Waco.

He taught Christian Fletcher how to fly.

He landed the first kickflip

2. Which surfer landed a seamless lien full-rotation air reverse to win Stab High in 2019?

Noa Deane

Mason Ho

Chippa Wilson

Kevin Schulz

3. In the 2009 Kai Neville film Modern Collective, Jordy Smith landed numerous backside Superman airs, which later became known as the _____?

Sushi roll

Froggy

French crumpet

Awkward eagle

4. Who was the first surfer to stick a no-grab double alleyoop (landing with the tail facing the beach)?

Albee Layer

Julian Wilson

Josh Kerr

John Florence

5. John Florence landed his biggest in-competition alleyoops at what CT venues?

Backdoor and Haleiwa

Keramas and Bells

J-bay and Brazil

Snapper and France

6. What Volcom surfer closed his first profile film with a tube into a massive alleyoop, and at what wave did he fly?

Bruce Irons, Keramas

Ozzie Wright, Tallows

Andrew Doheny, Lowers

Noa Deane, North Point

7. What freckle-faced Floridian invented the Gorkin Flip?

Kelly Slater

Aaron Cormican

Cory Lopez

Eric Geiselman

8. In 2011, what surfer defeated Taj Burrow in the Quik Pro New York semifinals with a hail mary frontside full-rotation, sans tail pad?

Julian Wilson

Owen Wright

Josh Kerr

Kelly Slater

9. What aerial pioneer was sponsored by a Southern California porn shop, got mixed up with the Hells Angels, and is rumored to have won the 1989 Lowers event strictly by doing airs on the left?

Shane Beschen

Kelly Slater

Kevin Schulz

Christian Fletcher

10. In 2001, what younger brother earned the closing part of Taylor Steele’s Campaign fim, largely due to his straight air hammer that closed the film?

Cory Lopez

Bruce Irons

Nathan Fletcher

Gavin Beschen

11. Filipe Toledo landed one of the biggest airs in competitive history at the 2018 Oi Rio Pro. What was it?

Alleyoop

Frontside full-rotation

Backside full-rotation

Straighty

12. What Santa Cruz aerialist was known to punt off NorCal wedges in custom Hotline superhero wetsuits?

Darryl ‘Flea’ Virostko

Jason ‘Ratboy’ Collins

Shawn ‘Barney’ Barron

Nat Young

13. Tube Quiz | One of the most memorable waves from Slater’s storied career was an air-drop to accidental layback tube, which earned him a 10 (and the win) against Bruce Irons in what CT event?

Cloudbreak

Teahupo’o

Pipeline

Brazil

14. This surfer has become known for his annual jaunts to Skeleton Bay, where in the past two years, he’s clogged our feeds with dual GoPro/drone visions of waves with 7+ tubes.

Brett Barley

Benji Brand

Koa Rothman

Koa Smith

15. Before Skeleton Bay was on the map, Ozzie Wright had the longest recorded barrel at which Indonesian wave?

Desert Point

Nokandui

Supersuck

G-Land

16. This female World Champion got a hellacious no-hand backside tube at Cloudbreak while warming up for the 2016 event.

Carissa Moore

Tyler Wright

Stephanie Gilmore

Layne Beachley

17. The heaviest-ever tow wave and heaviest-ever paddle wave at Teahupo’o were ridden by different surfers of the same first name. What is it?

Andy

Koa

Nathan

John

18. In 2018, Joel Parkinson called an air-drop to unmade tube by Grant Twiggy Baker the greatest wave ever ridden. At what big wave venue did it occur?

Jaws

Nazaré

Maverick’s

Puerto Escondido

19. This Pipe Master’s eponymously-named film is focused almost entirely on tube-riding, with sections in Indo, Tahiti, Mexico, Fiji, Micronesia, and Hawaii.

Joel Parkinson, Parko’s Pits

Kelly Slater, Kelly Slater in Black and White

Taj Burrow, Sabotaj

Jamie O’Brien, Who Is JOB

20. Craig Anderson rode a famously undersized craft at massive Nokandui in 2015. How big was his Hypto Krypto?

5’0

5’2

5’4

5’6

21. This surfer recently revolutionized tube-riding by perfecting the forehand layback.

Mason Ho

Clay Marzo

John Florence

Damien Hobgood

22. In 2017, Michel Bourez used what unique body part to slow himself down at Cloudbreak, earning a nine-point ride for the subsequent tube?

Forehead

Back

Knee

Foot

23. This surfer earned surfing’s only perfect-30 heat on a gorgeous three-foot day at Kirra by threading tube after tube.

Kelly Slater

Joel Parkinson

Shane Beschen

Mick Fanning

24. The most memorable wave of Andy Irons’ career was a backside side-slip into a gaping 10-foot tube. Where did this occur?

Teahupo’o

Pipeline

Cloudbreak

Mundaka

25. Face Surfing Quiz | Dane Reynolds made his “Dane Turn” famous at which WSL event, where commentators Shane Dorian and Rob Machado believed the 7 he received was a major under-score?

Rip Curl Pro Bells

Vans World Cup (Sunset Beach)

Quik Pro France

Reef Hawaiian Pro (Haleiwa)

26. In the Volcom film Psychic Migrations, which surfer shaped their own rainbow-tinted board and painted Chile’s left-hand points with gorgeous, abstract lines?

Yago Dora

Andrew Doheny

Ryan Burch

Balaram Stack

27. John Florence is famous for his railwork at both Rockpile and Margaret River Mainbreak. What Pyzel craft is his favorite for carving oversized walls?

The Phantom

The Ghost

The Bastard

The Padillac

28. This Australian natural-footer, considered to be surfing’s first well-paid freesurfer, is known for his long, languid carves and unrivaled power.

Dave ‘Rasta’ Rastovich

Brendan ‘Margo’ Margieson

Torren Martyn

Asher Pacey

29. What size Maurice Cole surfboard was Tom Curren riding when he did the famous cutback at Backdoor?

5’8

6’8

7’8

Trick question, it was a skimboard.

30. This Australian female earned a 10 at the 2019 Keramas event for an ultra-stylish check stall, tube, and drop-knee reo.

Steph Gilmore

Sally Fitz

Tyler Wright

Keely Andrew

31. This Hawaiian powerhouse has more Triple Crowns to his name than any other surfer.

Pancho Sullivan

Andy Irons

Zeke Lau

Sunny Garcia

32. Tom Curren famously had an incredible first ride at which right-hand point?

Lower Trestles

Jeffrey’s Bay

Rincon

Snapper

33. Which surfer performed what is widely known as ‘The Snap’ at Pipeline?

Mark Occhilupo

Kelly Slater

Andy Irons

Tom Carroll

34. What year did Occy win 11 skins at Bells?

1996

1997

1998

1999

35. Famous Australian carver, Mick Fanning, has a nickname. What is it?

White Lightning

Eugene

McMuffin

All of the above

36. Kelly Slater and Andy Irons shared an iconic final at J-Bay in 2005. Which surfer won a buzzer-beater wave, despite falling on the final turn?

Kelly Slater

Andy Irons

Neither, Parko won

Share results in comments. Stab staff sure to be reading.

"And please, for everyone’s sake, leave your silly surf clichés at the door. It’s not the 7-mile Miracle, it’s the 11-kilometer slap capital."

Stab magazine, once headquartered in Bondi, Australia before moving its center of operations very near Venice Beach, California, has pivoted hard back to its Australian roots and is begging forgiveness for its “too American” tone.

In a job posting that brought many tears to elderly Australian eyes, the surf website robustly apologized for past missteps…

An American team led by Ashton Goggans, Michael Ciaramella, and (recent full-time addition) Brendan Buckley came into the picture around the same time that our established Australian voices (Jed Smith and Elliot Struck) moved on from Stab to pursue personal projects. This had the unintended effect of flipping our editorial cadence from Australian to American overnight—an obvious over-correction, and one that we’re actively looking to rectify.

…before announcing its mea culpa.

With that, we’d like to announce that we’re officially on the search for the next great Australian surf writer to come work with us in our Byron office.

What will it take to help right Stab’s flagging ship?

– Immense surf knowledge: Specializing in a single area is fine, but you must have sufficient knowledge of modern surf history, culture, and competition. To test your expertise, we’ll ask you to take this quiz and include a screenshot of your results with your email submission (and don’t try to cheat by taking the test twice, we’ll know).

– Clever, efficient, and upbeat writing: We don’t care if you’ve been published before or if you went to journalism school. We just want someone who’s young, witty, and a voracious learner. And please, for everyone’s sake, leave your silly surf clichés at the door. It’s not the 7-mile Miracle, it’s the 11-kilometer slap capital.

– An unequivocally Australian voice: By globalizing our brand (and workforce), we’ve successfully grown Stab to what it is today. But through that process, we’ve inadvertently lost our Australian tone. We need someone who can speak the native tongue and reinstate Stab’s hemispheric balance.

Young, witty, and a voracious learner (improper comma usage Stab’s)?

Young?

The great Steve “Longtom” Shearer, unfortunately, need not apply.

The same doubly true for Nick Carroll.

How many other aged Australian surf writers does this sort of business discriminate against? I can think of six or seven, off the top of my head, not even counting Tim Baker.

The move to near Venice Beach to Byron, multiple years after each reached critical mass, in any case, seems very cool.

11-kilometer slap capital.

What would your play be?

Cocaine washing up on Florida beaches is nothing new. The Sunshine State is on the White Trail as traffickers move their precious product from Caribbean production hubs to the world’s greatest marketplace. Sometimes, though, the fuzz gets wind and product is dumped off fast boats or planes crash and product is dumped and there it washes up on Florida beaches.

Most recently, a beachgoer found 65 lbs of cocaine and directly turned it over to border patrol who forced it to pose for a snapshot (above) then… who knows.

The beachgoer certainly not a surfer for we know the bond between surfers and cocaine is a special one (buy here).

But what would you do, in all seriousness, if you stumbled upon 65 lbs of cocaine whilst not exercising in the ocean?

Keep it and ponder your options?

Come on to BeachGrit and ask your wise friends?

Call 911?

Throw a party?

Many options.

"Be responsible and go home."

Humans, while often low, snide and selfish, can sometimes rise to the greatest heights of honor, dignity, selflessness. History has shown us we are at our best with backs to the wall, fighting impossible odds in some inspired last stand.

There are many famous in history, from the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 BC to the Siege of Mecca in 692 but my favorite is 1915’s Attack of the Dead Men.

In short, the Germans, whilst fighting The Great War, were seeking to overtake Osowiec Fortress, in northeast Poland, held by a few battalions of Russians. They waited until 4 a.m. on that early morning of August 6th, for favorable wind conditions, then bombarded the fortress with a mixture of chlorine and bromine gasses. Following the poisoning and waste-laying, over 7000 German troops advanced, expecting little resistance.

The Russians did not have gas masks and were greatly destroyed but one bold sub-lieutenant, Vladimir Kotlinsky, the highest ranking survivor, railed the remaining few, who wrapped urine-soaked rags around their faces, and charged the enemy.

The Germans, it is said, became panicked by the appearance of the Russians, who had turned black and yellow from the gas and were coughing up bits of their own lungs as the hydrochloric acid began disolving their flesh, and retreated so fast that they became entangled in their own concertina wire.

The five remaining Russian guns finished the Germans off.

Kotlinsky died that evening and the Germans took the fort two-weeks later but for one glorious moment, the ragtag were royalty.

Very similar, I believe, to the the plucky but under-gunned grumpy local viciously attacked on all sides by energized VALs who have picked up surfing during quarantine because it is “a great way to remain socially distanced, outdoors, while exercising.”

This categorization of “surfing” as “exercise” the root of many evils for we know that, while sometimes the arms can become a little sore, surfing is NOT exercise but rather a grand waste of time.

Well, the brave Western Australia city Perth appears to be making a last stand. The region is under another Covid lockdown though residents are allowed outdoors for one hour of exercise a day.

Except local Tania Edwards was out walking but became confused after seeing police tell surfers the sport is not classified as exercise.

She shared a video of the encounter to social media which shows police telling beachgoers “surfing is not deemed exercise, be responsible and go home.”

“We saw this police boat coming along shouting with his bull horn,” she told 6PR’s Liam Bartlett.

“I think the government is doing a great job, but I just thought that was a bit strange.”

Not strange.

Brave like the Russians.

Surfing is NOT exercise but rather a fantastic way to sit and stew.

We are all Perth.

Attack!