"The last thing Australian animals need is also to be stood on by grown men looking for attention."

An Australian man caused much outrage, grief, days ago when a blurry image of the nameless legend appeared on Reddit surfing a giant crocodile. It was captioned “Most Aussie Photo I Have” though deleted 24-hours later but not before the press grabbed hold leading to much outrage, grief.

Described as a “tradie,” the man is wearing short pants, no shoes and a classic high visibility jacket. The crocodile is sporting a rope from his jaws to the man’s hands.

Pundits declared the crocodile was either “trapped” or “drugged” or “dead.”

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, not to be confused with The People™, immediately weighed in with spokesperson Emily Rice declaring, “If this stunt is the ‘most Aussie thing ever,’ we should be ashamed. Animals are not surfboards, and we should no more be applauding a person who ‘surfs’ on a crocodile than we should applaud jockeys who whip horses or marine park trainers who torment dolphins. The last thing Australian animals need is also to be stood on by grown men looking for attention.”

Imagine if PETA watched the World Surf League broadcast from Rottnest Island and learned that the endemic quokkas are fed lots of junk food and used solely for selfies with ’69 World Champion Wayne “Rabbit” Bartholomew (quokka pictured in foreground).

Very cute.

Australia is, in any case, still said to be reeling from the photo. It is being whispered that whoever shaped Taj Burrow’s Rottnest board is considering joining the “last-thing-Australian-animals-need-is-to-be-stood-on-by-grown-men-looking-for-attention” lawsuit.

More as the story develops.

Mr. Diamond Hand.

What an incredible time to be alive what with four yearly World Surf League Championship Tour events in Australia and Kelly Slater transforming, before our very eyes, from the world’s greatest surfer to the world’s smartest investment strategist.

Yesterday, the 7-time Pipeline Master laid directly into tech billionaire Elon Musk for denigrating the popular cryptocurrency Bitcoin, sending its value plummeting.

“Elon Musk and Tesla Motors proudly bought $1.5B worth of Bitcoin for around $34K in Feb. Elon comes out this week and says BTC mining is bad for the environment and they dump their bitcoin for an estimated $804M in profits (but he’s still pushing dogecoin, a useless shit coin),” Slater wrote to his Instagram stories. “I think Elon’s board and backers hate crypto and what it’s doing for the average investor and pressured him to put out a statement which they knew would inevitably tank bitcoin. I hope the SEC is taking a good look at this (and all of them who might be buying the dip today and this week in their private accounts). Interesting times. But Elon is bad for crypto.”

Intriguing though left me needing to know what the world’s greatest surfer’s own position is. Bullish? Bearish? Frustrated because he holds a large Bitcoin position? Frustrated at all the silly people who trust the block chain and toss “real” money at dang Internet stuff?

I pondered all day until The Ultimate Surfer’s face and main coach let me off the hook with a lightly cryptic crypto meme.

So.

Kelly Slater considers himself a “diamond handed” Bitcoin holder, or someone who has owned the currency for more than three months and is in for the long haul. While initially frustrated with Musk for wiping out a third of his portfolio from Bitcoin’s high just over a month ago, he now sees himself as a cool cucumber Indian Muslim boy smoking a cigarette and watching “paper handed” mfs fold.

The “paper handed” are those who have just come into Bitcoin, are scared by the wild fluctuations and getting out.

Now, in the meme, it does not look like the other Indian Muslims are “folding,” nor does it look like they are motherfuckers, per se. It looks like they are just wandering around minding their own business but, still, an important peek into the mind of legendary investment strategist Kelly Slater.

Him being exceptionally wise, calm under fire, watching history unfold from a lofty perch, not panicking, just chillin’ with his ‘vestments etc.

Do you think Mr. Diamond Hand is buying the dip?

We all should be. Watch below if you disagree.

Also, a surprise appearance by Kelly Slater!

A very fine, informative think piece on Hawaii, its place in surfing and its place in reality, appears in The New York Times today and well worth a read. Oh, we surfers, we cranks and ne’rdowells, are well versed in the nut, here. Hawaiians surf for Hawaii, Kolohe Andino surfs for America and never the twain shall meet.

Until, that is, they all drape themselves in American, not Hawaiian, red, white and blue for this summer’s Olympic Games in Tokyo, Japan.

“There’s a little bit of tension with that, going into the Olympics under a U.S.A. flag,” John John Florence told the journalist whilst sitting on his Pipeline-fronting porch. “I don’t want to divide at all. I’m not anti-anything. I’m pro-Hawaii.”

“I’d be honored to represent U.S.A., obviously, but I would prefer to represent Hawaii if I went there,” Seth Moniz said between Triple Crown heats. “I do wish we could have a voice or representation. Me and other Hawaiian surfers, maybe we have to make a push for that, to have the Hawaiian flag at the Olympics.”

“I’m really proud that I do have a little bit of Hawaiian blood, so I feel a connection to the people here, and the waters,” Carissa Moore said, sipping coffee in Honolulu, recounting competing in an International Surfing Association event in 2019 and the quiet discomfort it caused. “I was totally wrapped in the Hawaiian flag, but we had U.S.A. shirts on,” Moore said. “It felt like I was betraying Hawaii. It was weird.”

The ISA’s chief, Fernando Aguerre, understands the unique place Hawaii holds in our cranky ne’rdowell hearts but, even though his son’s middle name is Kahanamoku, claims his hands are tied. “Hawaii is different within the surfing world. But in the geopolitical world, Hawaii is part of the United States.”

Hmmmm.

It doesn’t sound like he tried very hard to carve out a place for Hawaii as The New York Times piece details the fact that creating a separate team was never seriously considered by the International Olympic Committee.

No, doesn’t sound like it at all much to Kelly Slater’s chagrin who surprisingly boiled the whole debate down to his own personal interests.

“If that happened (Hawaii given its own place),” the world’s greatest surfer said, “I’m in the Olympics.”

Very cool.