Give us surf!

Quarantine hardened children and their parents took to the streets in Lahaina, Maui yesterday afternoon demanding the resumption of surf competitions and terrifying tourists with colorful signs reading “Let us surf!”

News of the protest, which spread like wildfire across the island via Hawaii’s famed coconut wireless, was in direct response to elected officials allowing soccer and other outdoor sports to resume while not lifting the ban on formal, competitive surfing.

Famous big wave surfer and snowboarder Ian Walsh, who sponsors the annual Menehune Mayhem competition, told Honolulu’s Star-Advertiser, “There’s water polo events, there’s soccer events, there’s baseball events, there’s basketball events, and I think with all those events operating, there should not be a ban on amateur events for surfing or other ocean activities, whether it be canoe regattas, Junior Lifeguards or whatever that might be. We just want to give these kids a chance to surf. A lot of them don’t have other sports; surfing is their primary outlet, and they’ve been standing by the wayside for some time. With these other events being able to operate successfully, we’re hopeful that they will allow us to put these events on for the kids.”

Zolten Poulsen, the to U12 surfer in Hawaii, was at the protest and told the local ABC news outlet, “Surfing is really an amazing sport it’s super fun super exciting when we get to compete and with COVID that got taken away.”

His father, Eric, added, “These kids just want to go out there and chase their dreams and it’s tough to chase their dreams when they don’t know how they’re doing unless they’re in front of a judge with a hooter going off.”

April Colpas, whose eighth grade daughter competes, felt incensed that she has to sit on the couch while blow-ins are allowed to do as they please, seeing crowds of them, maskless etc. lining up for boats and parasailing adventures.

“Our jaws just dropped. It was actually the first time it was in our face that you don’t get to compete, but all these people who are visiting, they’re coming here, spending money, and they get to line up for a freakin’ boat ride when my daughter can’t even do a four-man heat? It doesn’t make any sense.”

Jodi Leong, spokesperson to Hawaii’s governor David Ige, feeling the intense pressure issued a statement reading, “Gov. Ige is currently working through the details and is expected to make an announcement soon.”

Seriously, though, how are youth surf competitions still not happening in Hawaii?

Is it the World Surf League CEO Erik Logan’s fault for making a mockery of the state’s Covid-19 protocols way back in December?

It totally is, isn’t it.

Sorry, kids.

Extremely unnatural.

It seems years ago, now, that the august Surfer magazine was shuttered overnight, furloughing its staff, ending a near 60 year run as “the Bible of the Sport,” though in reality it has only been seven-ish months.

At the time, legendary photo editor Peter Taras wrote, “It’s really hard for me to put into words right now the feelings. I’m a weepy mess. I taught. I was taught. I cared so much for all the creatives I worked with over the years. We were family.”

Very sad, indeed, but life goes on and, apparently, Surfer has too as a “zombie website.”

Zombie websites, those that have been purchased or traded hands, killed, brought back to life as vehicles for dark purposes, are ubiquitous in or modern media landscape.

Surfer, an empty flesh shell of itself, is currently pushing out a new series called Velo Road Trip: Beyond Boundaries. A “cross-country adventure bringing you access to individuals who are experiencing life beyond the boundaries, pursuing their passions and striving to make a difference in their local communities.”

The latest offering features a La Jolla local who is passionate about pottery and the way he has shifted his life-work balance into a life-life balance.

Per the piece:

Any surfer worth his or her salt knows that mums the word when it comes to sharing any of their go-to spots. And we promised Joe we wouldn’t spill the beans on his home turf. That said, San Diego is home to endless miles of surf for beginners and experts alike. The picturesque beauty and SoCal sun makes San Diego a year round destination for surf enthusiasts from the world over.

I was forwarded by an ex-Surfer editor and famous author who wrote, “Severson would be rotating wildly in his grave.”

I assumed over the wanton practice of surf pottery sponsored by some road bicycle brand but scrolled to the bottom of the piece and read the single comment to make sure.

Why is Surfer promoting nicotine products? This is shameful, I will never visit this website again.

Velo is a nicotine product?

Scrolling back up, I read, “VELO nicotine pouches are small white pouches that are tobacco-leaf free. Available in multiple different flavors and strengths, with VELO pouches there’s no smoke and no hassle. The best part? You can enjoy nicotine pouches virtually anywhere.”

Extremely unnatural.

"The last thing Australian animals need is also to be stood on by grown men looking for attention."

An Australian man caused much outrage, grief, days ago when a blurry image of the nameless legend appeared on Reddit surfing a giant crocodile. It was captioned “Most Aussie Photo I Have” though deleted 24-hours later but not before the press grabbed hold leading to much outrage, grief.

Described as a “tradie,” the man is wearing short pants, no shoes and a classic high visibility jacket. The crocodile is sporting a rope from his jaws to the man’s hands.

Pundits declared the crocodile was either “trapped” or “drugged” or “dead.”

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, not to be confused with The People™, immediately weighed in with spokesperson Emily Rice declaring, “If this stunt is the ‘most Aussie thing ever,’ we should be ashamed. Animals are not surfboards, and we should no more be applauding a person who ‘surfs’ on a crocodile than we should applaud jockeys who whip horses or marine park trainers who torment dolphins. The last thing Australian animals need is also to be stood on by grown men looking for attention.”

Imagine if PETA watched the World Surf League broadcast from Rottnest Island and learned that the endemic quokkas are fed lots of junk food and used solely for selfies with ’69 World Champion Wayne “Rabbit” Bartholomew (quokka pictured in foreground).

Very cute.

Australia is, in any case, still said to be reeling from the photo. It is being whispered that whoever shaped Taj Burrow’s Rottnest board is considering joining the “last-thing-Australian-animals-need-is-to-be-stood-on-by-grown-men-looking-for-attention” lawsuit.

More as the story develops.