Extremely unnatural.

It seems years ago, now, that the august Surfer magazine was shuttered overnight, furloughing its staff, ending a near 60 year run as “the Bible of the Sport,” though in reality it has only been seven-ish months.

At the time, legendary photo editor Peter Taras wrote, “It’s really hard for me to put into words right now the feelings. I’m a weepy mess. I taught. I was taught. I cared so much for all the creatives I worked with over the years. We were family.”

Very sad, indeed, but life goes on and, apparently, Surfer has too as a “zombie website.”

Zombie websites, those that have been purchased or traded hands, killed, brought back to life as vehicles for dark purposes, are ubiquitous in or modern media landscape.

Surfer, an empty flesh shell of itself, is currently pushing out a new series called Velo Road Trip: Beyond Boundaries. A “cross-country adventure bringing you access to individuals who are experiencing life beyond the boundaries, pursuing their passions and striving to make a difference in their local communities.”

The latest offering features a La Jolla local who is passionate about pottery and the way he has shifted his life-work balance into a life-life balance.

Per the piece:

Any surfer worth his or her salt knows that mums the word when it comes to sharing any of their go-to spots. And we promised Joe we wouldn’t spill the beans on his home turf. That said, San Diego is home to endless miles of surf for beginners and experts alike. The picturesque beauty and SoCal sun makes San Diego a year round destination for surf enthusiasts from the world over.

I was forwarded by an ex-Surfer editor and famous author who wrote, “Severson would be rotating wildly in his grave.”

I assumed over the wanton practice of surf pottery sponsored by some road bicycle brand but scrolled to the bottom of the piece and read the single comment to make sure.

Why is Surfer promoting nicotine products? This is shameful, I will never visit this website again.

Velo is a nicotine product?

Scrolling back up, I read, “VELO nicotine pouches are small white pouches that are tobacco-leaf free. Available in multiple different flavors and strengths, with VELO pouches there’s no smoke and no hassle. The best part? You can enjoy nicotine pouches virtually anywhere.”

Extremely unnatural.

"The last thing Australian animals need is also to be stood on by grown men looking for attention."

An Australian man caused much outrage, grief, days ago when a blurry image of the nameless legend appeared on Reddit surfing a giant crocodile. It was captioned “Most Aussie Photo I Have” though deleted 24-hours later but not before the press grabbed hold leading to much outrage, grief.

Described as a “tradie,” the man is wearing short pants, no shoes and a classic high visibility jacket. The crocodile is sporting a rope from his jaws to the man’s hands.

Pundits declared the crocodile was either “trapped” or “drugged” or “dead.”

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, not to be confused with The People™, immediately weighed in with spokesperson Emily Rice declaring, “If this stunt is the ‘most Aussie thing ever,’ we should be ashamed. Animals are not surfboards, and we should no more be applauding a person who ‘surfs’ on a crocodile than we should applaud jockeys who whip horses or marine park trainers who torment dolphins. The last thing Australian animals need is also to be stood on by grown men looking for attention.”

Imagine if PETA watched the World Surf League broadcast from Rottnest Island and learned that the endemic quokkas are fed lots of junk food and used solely for selfies with ’69 World Champion Wayne “Rabbit” Bartholomew (quokka pictured in foreground).

Very cute.

Australia is, in any case, still said to be reeling from the photo. It is being whispered that whoever shaped Taj Burrow’s Rottnest board is considering joining the “last-thing-Australian-animals-need-is-to-be-stood-on-by-grown-men-looking-for-attention” lawsuit.

More as the story develops.

Mr. Diamond Hand.

What an incredible time to be alive what with four yearly World Surf League Championship Tour events in Australia and Kelly Slater transforming, before our very eyes, from the world’s greatest surfer to the world’s smartest investment strategist.

Yesterday, the 7-time Pipeline Master laid directly into tech billionaire Elon Musk for denigrating the popular cryptocurrency Bitcoin, sending its value plummeting.

“Elon Musk and Tesla Motors proudly bought $1.5B worth of Bitcoin for around $34K in Feb. Elon comes out this week and says BTC mining is bad for the environment and they dump their bitcoin for an estimated $804M in profits (but he’s still pushing dogecoin, a useless shit coin),” Slater wrote to his Instagram stories. “I think Elon’s board and backers hate crypto and what it’s doing for the average investor and pressured him to put out a statement which they knew would inevitably tank bitcoin. I hope the SEC is taking a good look at this (and all of them who might be buying the dip today and this week in their private accounts). Interesting times. But Elon is bad for crypto.”

Intriguing though left me needing to know what the world’s greatest surfer’s own position is. Bullish? Bearish? Frustrated because he holds a large Bitcoin position? Frustrated at all the silly people who trust the block chain and toss “real” money at dang Internet stuff?

I pondered all day until The Ultimate Surfer’s face and main coach let me off the hook with a lightly cryptic crypto meme.

So.

Kelly Slater considers himself a “diamond handed” Bitcoin holder, or someone who has owned the currency for more than three months and is in for the long haul. While initially frustrated with Musk for wiping out a third of his portfolio from Bitcoin’s high just over a month ago, he now sees himself as a cool cucumber Indian Muslim boy smoking a cigarette and watching “paper handed” mfs fold.

The “paper handed” are those who have just come into Bitcoin, are scared by the wild fluctuations and getting out.

Now, in the meme, it does not look like the other Indian Muslims are “folding,” nor does it look like they are motherfuckers, per se. It looks like they are just wandering around minding their own business but, still, an important peek into the mind of legendary investment strategist Kelly Slater.

Him being exceptionally wise, calm under fire, watching history unfold from a lofty perch, not panicking, just chillin’ with his ‘vestments etc.

Do you think Mr. Diamond Hand is buying the dip?

We all should be. Watch below if you disagree.