Aguerre (pictured) choked up at prospect of making peace between English and Irish.
Aguerre (pictured) choked up at prospect of making peace between English and Irish.

Report: Bad blood gushing in El Salvador ahead of World Surfing Games as furious Olympians, forced to compete, point to Kelly Slater’s exemption as patently unfair!

Chas Smith

By

"Once again, we will get to unite the world in peace through our sport’s community, youth, and love."

Well well and well, the World Surfing Games kick off today in beautiful El Salvador, sun shining overhead, waves lapping coarse shores, but reports coming out of El Sunzal and La Bocana, which infuriated Huntington Beach by dubbing itself Surf City, are filled with frowns and wailing.

Much gnashing of teeth.

As you know, International Surfing Association chief Fernando Aguerre, who’s organization is in charge of selecting Olympic qualifiers, forced every Olympic hopeful to attend the entire event, from opening ceremonies to closing ceremonies. Even those who have already qualified through the World Surf League Championship Tour like Australia’s deadly Irukandjis.

The WSL and Surfers’ Union have, apparently, fought hard for those already qualified not to have to make the trip to El Salvador in this still-exhausting time of Covid, attempting to placate Aguerre in various and sundry ways, but he was having none of it.

“The surfers must surf and march and flag wave in El Salvador!” is a relatively accurate summation of his general line.

“Except Kelly Slater!”

Frustration has continued to mount over Slater’s doctor’s note for a years old foot injury, exempting him from traveling to El Salvador but not from barreling in Hawaii or the upcoming Surf Ranch Pro presented by Corona. Joanne Defay has allegedly been given a doctor’s pass allowing her to pool but not Salvador too.

Bad blood running in the gutters.

Aguerre, unbent, released the following statement..

“These are historical times for surfing. We will crown ISA World Surfing Games champions and complete the qualification for the Tokyo 2020 Games. Once again, we will get to unite the world in peace through our sport’s community, youth, and love. While we had to wait a year, the 2021 edition of the World Surfing Games will certainly be one of the most special in history. It has been a challenging time for all around the world, but we have demonstrated our resilience. Our sport and community are stronger than ever. From a record number of women, to the world’s best surfers flying their flags, there are many reasons to be excited about what this event and the future of surfing behold. I would like to give a huge thanks to the Government of El Salvador, the organisers of the event, as well as to the people of El Salvador for the warm welcome and strong support.”

I suppose if surfing’s Olympic debut will unite the world in peace, youth and love then a few hurt feelings are worth it.

No?

Surfline believes so, running the biggest banner ads I have ever seen in my life featuring a video presentation of chief Aguerre.

At time of publication, 966 people have viewed.

Surfline, man. Let’s double it for them. Aguerre seems like a sweet guy, bringing peace between the English and Irish etc.

Do your part to end The Troubles here.

Teller (pictured top left) with other famous friends, happier times.
Teller (pictured top left) with other famous friends, happier times.

Breaking: Famous-adjacent actor Miles Teller false cracked in Maui, experiencing the gift of aloha while allegedly screaming “I’m going to press charges!”

Chas Smith

By

Spam musubi.

Well heck. What a rough end to an altogether rough week. Malibu inflamed in war, ex-professional surfer Matt Wilkinson caught up in scandal, and now, per just released reports, famous-adjacent movie star Miles Teller experiencing the gift of aloha whilst on Maui, screaming about pressing charges.

Uh oh.

And per those just released reports, Teller was vacationing with his wife Keleigh Sperry (maybe a relation to the shoes), Shailene Woodley (star of Hawaiian film The Descendants) and her fiancé disgruntled Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

They were out, according to law enforcement, at Monkeypod Kitchen, when Teller had to use the restroom and did so, I’m sure providing some amount of pleasure except when he was there he became punched directly in the face.

A classic false crack.

According to TMZ, “The man who punched Miles was a wedding planner who claimed Miles owed him $60,000 for services he performed for Miles’ wedding in Maui back in 2019. Our eyewitnesses claim the man was complaining to Miles he had not gotten paid.”

No one was arrested.

Hawaii.

Amirite?

One-time surf personality Ashton Goggans would certainly approve of the pressing charges.

More as the story develops.

“What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired.”
“What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired.”

Watch: Shane Dorian, Keala Kennelly, Billy Kemper and other notables share dark secrets in masterful Monster Energy Big Wave Sessions!

Chas Smith

By

Not to be missed.

Tomorrow morning at 11 am Pacific Standard, 2 pm Eastern, ABC will air the entirely compelling Monster Energy Big Wave Sessions in these United States of America. And it is easy to, sometimes, forget there is surfing productions beyond the WSL. Filmmakers, storytellers to use the parlance of WSL CEO Erik Logan, who can weave a narrative out of surfing’s various and sundry strands.

Tales for the masses, yes, as ABC (American Broadcasting Corporation) is network television but tales for us grumpy locals too.

Emmy Award winner Paul Taublieb is one such storyteller and in charge of tomorrow’s program.

Taublieb, co-creator of ESPN’s X-Games, producer and creative director for MotoGP spectacular Fastest narrated by Ewan McGregor (one of my very favorite actors) and aforementioned Emmy Award winner for ESPN’s Hawaiian: The Legend of Eddie Aikau, applies his iconic style to big waves and their surfers.

What will we learn?

Rumor has it that the Big Island’s own Shane Dorian will announce his retirement, Keala Kennelly will speak to her bi-polar diagnosis and Billy Kemper will recount the harrowing Morocco accident wherein he almost perished but this time not long and drawn out into five episodes.

Short and to the point, the way better stories are told.

We will also see Kai Lenny risking life and limb, swimming into the impact zone in order to fetch a loosed tow board just so no one else will be able to learn his dimensional secrets. What’s he hiding?

Mark Zuckerberg?

Find out tomorrow.

Listen: Calls grow for ex-professional surfer Matt Wilkinson to justify his bald-faced cultural appropriation of country music and the country music lifestyle!

Chas Smith

By

Wonderbread.

I have absolutely no doubt that you have been following along with the controversy surrounding reality tycoon Kendall Jenner and her dressing in “migrant chic” in order to sell a new tequila. Critics were quick to point out the tequila is integral to Mexican culture and the Jenner is stealing “the look and feel of poverty” for her own selfish gain.

According to The Hill, “This isn’t the first time Jenner has been accused of cultural appropriation or tone deafness. In the past, she has worn her hair in cornrows, sold vintage tees with her face superimposed over those of Biggie and Tupac and appeared in a Pepsi commercial about police brutality where she ends protests by offering an officer a Pepsi.”

Troubling.

Equally troubling, though, with a growing number demanding answers, is Matt Wilkinson’s bald-faced cultural appropriation of country music and the country music lifestyle.

Also, his literal tone deafness.

Days ago, the ex-professional surfer released a short music video that appeared to adopt objects or elements of a non-dominant culture in a way that didn’t respect their original meaning, give credit to their source, and reinforces stereotypes also contributing to oppression.

Country music and lifestyle fans, initially thinking the piece was homage, snapped their fingers along to the 4/4 time until quickly realizing it wasn’t homage, but rather parody, and became sad.

Wilkinson is yet to respond but should be held to account publicly across social media.

White on white violence is still violence.

David Lee Scales and I discussed this, Malibu Karen and how the World Surf League should launch a Master’s Division wherein Nathan Hedge can win groceries for a month.

Very au courant.

Listen here.

BIPOC surfer fires broadside at “Malibu Karen” and her recently declared war on VALS: “Good morning to everyone except the White woman who tried to hold a meeting yesterday to discuss how to make outsiders feel less welcome and less safe being there. ⁣⁣Localism equals racism!”

Derek Rielly

By

Joy is resistance!”

Two days ago, Professor Carla Zamora from The Surf Institute, a longboard surf consultancy, used Instagram to launch a scud into the VAL kingdom, at those vulnerable adult learners who’d gotten to crowding Malibu.

It read, in part,

Correct me if I’m wrong, but just two decades ago being “from Malibu” carried an air of prestige. We were masters of our spot, encouraged, even pressured, to surf at the highest caliber possible and given no leeway or forgiveness when we faltered. It was chaotic then, too, but there was a method to the madness; control to the chaos. Rules were not just established, they were enforced. If you publicly cried about it, you felt it even harder.

Fast forward 20 years. A pandemic singlehandedly changes people’s lives and increases the surfing population by astronomical proportions. As an outdoor activity relatively safe from exposure, 2020 saw nearly every other Joe take up surfing and every other Schmoe become a surf coach. Young adults already versed in the sport, begin flocking in droves to park, no, camp, in our lot for days on end. (Note: this has been a problem prior to COVID). Photographers and videographers arrive with their own talent to rape and pillage the waves, shunning the existing talent who have paid their dues.

Please join me Tuesday 5/25 4p at The Wall to discuss, create, and implement a strategy to take back our home.

We didn’t go, natch, but one woman who did, BIPOC surfer Jae Bella wasn’t sold on the concept.

Bella also took to IG.

Good morning to everyone except the white woman who tried to hold a meeting yesterday in Malibu to discuss how to make outsiders feel less welcome and less safe being there. ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
According to her, people she doesn’t consider “locals” are not doing a good enough job of “acknowledging her existence, let alone her local ‘status’..” and photographers are showing up with new surfers to “rape and pillage” the waves. She’s so upset at this because she has declared that she and the “locals” have “mastered” the “sport.” She called a meeting bc she “cannot and will not let guests dictate the state of her ‘home’…” yes. Her call to action for this little gathering was to encourage the “locals” to “take back their home.” Bihhh are you a dolphin? Because NO. ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
As much as she wants to make Malibu great again, needless to say she did not keep that same energy offline, and said not one of these things at her little meeting last night, which we attended. ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
Friendly reminder that localism=racism. Not gonna spend time unpacking that right now, but today is another day where joy is resistance. And for the record, we’ll be at Malibu, or wherever else our hearts desire, smiling, happy and free. Connecting with the ocean and earth that belongs to no one but god. Taking up space. At peace and unbothered.⁣⁣

Comments on the post were almost entirely positive, localism equals racism etc.

Indicative reactions.

“Beautiful photos, send that lady love and peace”

“She and her wrinkled raisin eyes could not contain nor comprehend this level of Beauty and Glory in a wetsuit coming at her all early 9in the morning in her precious ‘Bu. Work ALL of it my Sis. You look so amazingly glorious in that sea.”

“1. You’re amazing, powerful and beautiful. 2. Fuck that bitch. Hell fucking no!! 3. Thank you for speaking on this!! Wishing you a love and joy filled day!”

A rare dissenter.

“Get better at surfing before you can saying you fuckin’ popollo kook. You don’t surf. You’re not a surfer. You take pictures of yourself floundering around in one-foot shorebreak. Stop labelling everything as racism cuz you’re black. You’re not a surfer. You’re a poser. You’re like scooter kids at the skatepark but worse cuz you think your opinion actually matters.”

Photo: Jack English
EAT BEACHGRIT SPAM!
It's Daily!