“It’d be like a golf major where every hole is a pitching wedge to a par three. The same par three.”
In Aussie media circles, right-leaning masthead The Australian plays a role not unlike the drunken great uncle at an extended family barbeque.
Obstinate. Incorrigible. Loud-mouthed. Untucked shirt smeared with chicken grease and sherry. Hopelessly out of touch with social norms and trends. A true dinosaur.
Yet still equipped with the uncanny ability, every now and then, for hitting the nail squarely on the head when it comes to topics of taboo.
“And they wonder why you never amounted to anything…”
Read fervently by politicians and powerbrokers, The Oz is an agenda setter whether you agree with its politics or not. A sometime home to former Stab journo Fred Pawle. But not the sort of place usually concerned with the trivialities of surfing.
“The waves resemble the dream little tubes that run across Rainbow Bay on a good day and yet time has revealed them to be lacking the million oceanic miracles that fire the imagination, get the blood pumping and stir the soul. It’s been fake news all along, and now the giant concrete basin is hosting the most boring surfing event in the world.”
Until last week.
In a withering critique titled “The Most Boring Surf Contest in the World” award-winning sports journalist Will Swanton unequivocally eviscerates the offering put to us by the World Surf League.
All behind a paywall unfortunately.
But jeez there was some verified zingers, reproduced lovingly here:
“The waves resemble the dream little tubes that run across Rainbow Bay on a good day and yet time has revealed them to be lacking the million oceanic miracles that fire the imagination, get the blood pumping and stir the soul. It’s been fake news all along, and now the giant concrete basin is hosting the most boring surfing event in the world.”
On Stephanie Gilmore:
“She looked down, which real surfing never entails. There was no point in casting an eagle eye out and about. Gilmore knew when the wave was coming, and she knew exactly what it would look like, and she knew exactly what it would do. She exhaled, looking bored, and then tapped her board impatiently.”
He concludes:
“It’d be like a golf major where every hole is a pitching wedge to a par three. The same par three.”
Ooft.
Any publicity is good publicity, as they say, except when it isn’t.
I don’t need to expend any more words on how the competition format is boring. Disjointed. Stifling performance and innovation.
It’s been done to death in the surfing world already.
But having a journalist the calibre of Swanton taking a swing at the Surf Ranch in a mainstream rag like the Oz ain’t a good look for anybody concerned.
How many more stinging barbs will it take for the WSL to take Lemoore off the tour?
Or at least fundamentally re-jig the format so that it offers up something more than the mind-numbing repetition we’ve been so sadistically subjected to?
Or will they continue unfazed, munching contently on their green leaf salad, not realising the BBQ is over and only the drunken great uncles remain?
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A little birdie had told me as much
No worries, I’ll drive by with a six pack of you want to chip in
Yeah, I was feeling a bit rough
Smurfing is a big deal down here mate.
The beginning of the end was when Chas kicked out early on a wave.
RIP Greg Noll (1937 – 1941)
John Wayne x Jonathan Winters x Johnny Weissmuller
Hopefully he’s up there with Quigg, arguing over rocker and surfing mean, green six-foot Malibu with no one out.
Giving Dora noogies.
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If the Tub is boring, what is Shidashita Beach, Chiba? It’s all relative.
People care about Will Swanton in The Australian maybe even less than they care about anyone in Beachgrit.com.
There’s a new app you should check out, it’s called SHADDAPP!
If you don’t like golf, don’t watch golf.
If you don’t like the Surf Ranch, don’t watch the Surf Ranch.
Very simple
If you don’t like the comments on BeachGrit, don’t read the comments on BeachGrit.
Very simple.
Who asked you?
RIP Greg Noll.
Fuck, I give up.
You gave up a long time ago.
Anyone else remember when Will Swanton asked Kelly a steroids question and Kelly got upset?
I wuz there!
Stubbies and 60s logs should be mandatory.
A pastime for Greedy Old Lazy Fucks (GOLF) …I just made that up. I think.
Agreed. I’m going to bunker down for the night.
Wedge issue for sure
Needs to be ironed out
Can’t see the trees for the drivers.
What would I know? I’m just a hacker
A hackler for the truth?
I love it when you talk flax you me
Fore sure!
It’s boring as shit. I’ve probably watched maybe 3 waves over all the events.
If they are continuing to do this, they need to have something like pre-set runs where required maneuvers are set in advance and then see who can execute the best. And the surfers would not know what their run is until some set time – like 10-15mins before their run.
Just trying to think outside the box, because it’s shit in its current format.
Par for the course really
How good is fake news
The left weighs in and brings it fully!!
https://www.theguardian.com…
That was a good line from Toledo – Its a wave that you have no excuses for fucking up (He didn’t say fucking up but that’s what he meant!).
3 kids.
“oceanic miracles”, “imagination”, “stir the soul” what kind of unwashed longhaired hippy is Will Swanton supposed to be. Me thinks the here cited article got never written.
WSL and Kelly need to hear this criticism from something mainstream like The Australian. In the past they just blew all surf media criticism of the pool off as “Grumpy Locals” and continued full steam ahead in their delusions of grandeur. Maybe this mainstream media critique will encourage them to pull their head at least partway out of their ass.
Or at least think about it.
The pool will never drop off the tour so long as the wsl owns half of kswp. That should be obvious.
The Australian is just a shite rag that exists on the whim of old rupe. I pity those who don’t have a decent alternative.
I think the Wsl owns more than half.