Cape Cod swimmers and surfers under siege from Great White sharks reports New York Times, “We have to rethink how we enter the water as we have an apex predator that has returned.”

“Fear on Cape Cod as sharks hunt again!”

Here’s a story eerily familiar to surfers and anyone who goes into the water beyond their shins in Australia. 

No Whites around, virtually no attacks in the past one hundred years… suddenly… boom…boom…boom… hits, fatals, surfers bleeding out on the sand.

Gorgeous Cape Cod, that geographical cape that swings its J-curved arm from the south-east corner of mainland Massachusetts, think rich cunts festooned in striped tees riding in yachts etc, has suddenly become “host to one of the densest seasonal concentrations of adult white sharks in the world.” 

The NYT magazine reports Great Whites are now aggregating around Cape Cod in numbers never before seen in living memory. 

“The animals trickle into the region during lengthening days in May, increase in abundance throughout summer, peak in October and mostly depart by the dimming light and plunging temperatures of Thanksgiving.” 

Here’s the numbers: during the entire twentieth century there were three shark attacks, one fatal, in 1936. 

Since 2012, there have been five hits by Great Whites.

Last year, a Great White killed a swimmer at Casco Bay, Maine, a couple of hundred miles south. 

“In Maine, we never knew we had Great White sharks,” the swimmer’s husband said. 

The story is a horror show of first-person accounts. 

Here, lifeguard Nina Lanctot arrives to find boogieboarder Arthur Medici, hit by a White, dragged out of the water onto the sand by his pal Issac Rocha. 

Medici was motionless and without expression. His pupils were fixed and blank. He was not breathing. She checked his pulse. There was none. Scanning, taking in information quickly, she examined his wounds. A chunk of flesh of one leg was missing, and the other leg was mangled. Worse, the wounds were not bleeding or noticeably seeping. Lanctot’s eyes followed drag marks leading from the water to Medici’s silent frame. There was not a drop of blood. His femoral or popliteal arteries had been severed, she figured, and his blood drained away. Without hemostatic clamps and immediate transfusions, he was past saving. The nearest hospital was more than 30 miles away. Lanctot knew this math. It was bad.

She heard a man in the crowd. “You’ve got to do something,” he said

Rocha had tied a boogie-board leash around one of Medici’s legs. Lanctot slipped the tourniquet around the other, just under his groin, and twisted it tight, clamping quadriceps and hamstring hard to bone. The lifeguards and doctors worked frantically, pumping Medici’s chest with the flat of their hands while one gave mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Lanctot felt pangs of empathy. Medici’s skin was turning ashen. Rocha was inconsolable. She wished his mother were there to comfort him. She held Medici’s hand, hoping he would feel companionship, knowing he could not acknowledge it.

Surfers are referenced later in the piece, which you can read in its entirety here. 

After Medici’s death, some surfers switched to stand-up paddle boards, which largely keep limbs out of the water and offer greater visibility. Others, like Lanctot, quit surfing on the Outer Cape. Some kept surfing, but with whistles, so if a shark appeared they could clear people fast.


Scientists have applauded the arrival of the Great White packs, 

“The annual returns are a success story, a welcome sign of ecosystem recovery at a time when many wildlife species are depleted.”

So there’s that, I suppose. 


Dang rich homeowners.
Dang rich homeowners.

Hawaii government vows to act against surf great Kelly Slater, other oceanfront homeowners, after public outcry against illegal burritos: “It looks like a trash heap, not something you would assume to find on Sunset Beach, which is the premier surf spot!”

But silver lining?

Two weeks ago, the Honolulu Star-Advertiser published a damning report fingering surf great Kelly Slater along with other oceanfront homeowners there on Oahu’s North Shore who have installed illegal devices on the sand in order to protect their investments from an increasingly violent sea.

The makeshift seawalls and sand bag thingers, called burritos, were temporarily allowed for some homeowners in 2018 with the promise that they would be removed. Robust beach erosion followed, as “hardening” the shoreline causes beaches to disappear, sand getting sucked away etc.

Oahu, per the report, has already lost 25% of its beaches and scientists declare that number is on its way to 40% with the hardening but the Hawaiian government has remained quiet… until now.

The Department of Land and Natural Resources, reacting to frustration from the island’s non-rich residents, has admitted that the structures have “led to obvious degradation of the public beach resource” and shall henceforth send letters to the homeowners detailing their “alleged noncompliance.”


According to ProPublica:

Under state law, officials can fine property owners $15,000 a day for unauthorized structures that remain on the beach, though they have yet to take that step against homeowners with expired permits. Nevertheless, the uptick in oversight represents a stark shift in approach for Hawaii’s coastal officials.

As the Star-Advertiser and ProPublica reported last year, temporary sandbags and burrito systems are rarely removed from public beaches when their permissions are set to expire, in large part because state officials have repeatedly granted homeowners extensions or don’t enforce their own deadlines. In addition, the state has often granted after-the-fact approval for structures that were built illegally.

In at least one case where coastal officials rejected an illegal barrier, they did not force its removal. In 2018, Kelly Slater, an 11-time world surfing champion who lives on Ehukai Beach by the world-famous Banzai Pipeline surf break, illegally installed a barrier made out of thick fabric. He was fined just $2,000. DLNR told the Star-Advertiser and ProPublica this month that “unauthorized land uses continue to exist” in front of Slater’s property and the department is “attempting to get the landowner to comply.” Slater, who did not respond to a request for comment, previously told the news organizations that without the sandbags people “would have lost properties outright.”

Asked why authorities hadn’t yet forced North Shore homeowners to remove the burritos with expired permits, OCCL said that many of the homes remain imminently threatened and that property owners have a right to due process. Officials have also said that they’re concerned about potential public safety hazards created by homes that could fall into the ocean.


Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Slater’s collapsed, ocean-drowned home becoming a new reef that rivals the Banzai Pipeline?

That’s so Kelly!

Inventor of professional surfing Randy Rarick is also interviewed in the report and tells homeowners to kick rocks.

In stunning twist, mainstream media surmises that stickers reading “Jonah Hill ruined surfing” are, in reality, an extra nasty dog whistle for body shamers!

Body shamers are the worst.

In a reach around that even has the most adroit applied linguists flummoxed, it appears that the mainstream media has drawn the singular conclusion that Jonah Hill is being body shamed by a subset of surfers who declare he “ruined” the pastime of kings.

The controversy ignited, yesterday, when the 21 Jump Street alum spotted a sticker reading “Jonah Hill ruined surfing” somewhere, snapped a photo of it, uploaded it onto his Instagram Stories and shared with his 3.2 million ageist, misogynistic followers.

Oh but he was not undone by the hurtful sentiment, bravely stating, “I will never stop doing things that make me happy no matter how insecure my happiness makes you.”

His girlfriend, and surf instructor, chimed in, “If you feel the need to rain on someone else’s parade, ask yourself why and consider getting yourself a life.”

“Get a life.”


In any case, Jonah Hill hasn’t, of course, “ruined” surfing though he is the face of a new wave of sliders culturally appropriating something that has belonged to others who culturally appropriated it, like, forever ago.

An Inertia.

The body shaming angle, however, is odd.

The Independent writing:

Jonah Hill and girlfriend Sarah Brady have responded to a sign that read the actor “ruined surfing” with messages of body positivity.

The sign was an insensitive reference to paparazzi photographs of the 21 Jump Street actor surfing in a black wetsuit in February.

At the time, Hill said his childhood insecurities were “exacerbated by years of public mockery” about his body by the media, but that photographs like that no longer “phase” the Oscar nominee.

Metro adding:

Jonah Hill is not here for people trolling his love of surfing.

The 21 Jump Street actor, 37, recently pleaded with fans to stop making comments on his weight after pictures surfaced of him enjoying time in the water.

Sharon Stone appeared to ignore his message, and was promptly blasted by followers for not listening.

According to Entertainment Tonight Canada, he has since taken to his Instagram story to share sticker which trolled his passion for water sports, reading: ‘Jonah Hill ruined surfing’.

Many more all in the same vein.

But do you see a body shaming angle here?

Hear a body shaming dog whistle?


Stephanie Gilmore, seven-time champ, Roxy girl. | Photo: @roxy

Bombshell “ethical fashion report” lambastes heritage surf brands Quiksilver, Billabong and Roxy for failures in human rights monitoring, environmental sustainability and more!

Patagonia, meanwhile, scores “A+” in multiple categories and Rip Curl surprises with stunning grade!

The latest “Ethical Fashion Report” has come out swinging at some of the world’s most loved surf brands, including Quiksilver, Billabong and Roxy, while celebrating Patagonia and giving a well-done nod to Rip Curl. 

The report, which is prepared by Baptist World Aid Australia each year, gave Quiksilver, Billabong and Roxy, which are all headquartered under the Boardriders banner in Huntington Beach, California, an overall F grade each.

Each company was graded on five different categories.

For the three Boardriders companies, they got hit with a C for policies and governance, tracing and risk (D), supplier relationships and human rights monitoring (F), worker empowerment (F) and environmental sustainability (F). 

According to Baptist World Aid Australia, a Christian organisation founded in 1950 by missionaries determined to teach Chinese the joys of loving Jay-Z the Christo,

“While (the fashion industry) can be a source of opportunity, for too many indignity and abuse, and low-wages and modern slavery are rife. Consumerism, mass production, and the constant demand for more, has fuelled this injustice while the industry has turned a blind eye to the impact they’re having on the environment and carbon emissions.” 

Torquay-based Rip  Curl, which had its own ethical glitch six years ago when it was revealed one of its suppliers had been using North Korean sweatshops, was given an impressive B score, only a D for worker empowerment keeping ‘em away from a coveted A. 

Patagonia, as expected, topped the charts with stunning A+scores in most areas, although, like Rip  Curl, worker empowerment tempered their grade (C), leaving ’em with an overall A.

All of which is very exciting, but do you care who sews your trunks and prints your tees?

Or do you look at the pretty colours, first, then the price tag?

Personally, I feel good inside knowing I’ve given the nimble fingers of a Bangladeshi tween a little work.

Prince of Malibu Jonah Hill stumbles upon sticker claiming he ruined surfing, bravely lashes haters: “I will never stop doing things that make me happy no matter how insecure my happiness makes you.”

Ultra Sensitive Surf Candy.

Hollywood funnyman and heir to Miki Dora’s Malibu throne Jonah Hill was made sad, over the weekend, when he stumbled upon a sticker reading “Jonah Hill ruined surfing.” The Wolf of Wall Street star, who recently and bravely allowed his followers to savagely bully a 63-year-old woman for complimenting him, has not been shy about his love for the watery game, shifting his whole latitude to reflect a surf vibe.

While the mean sentiment would have shattered a lesser man, it did not undo Hill who took to social media declaring, “I will never stop doing things that make me happy no matter how insecure my happiness makes you.”

His girlfriend, surf instructor Sarah Brady, also stepped up in his defense telling haters, “If you feel the need to rain on someone else’s parade, ask yourself why an consider getting yourself a life.”

Mainstream media was curious as to why surfers felt Hill ruined surfing. Entertainment Weekly posited it was a form of body-shaming while Jezebel imagined it was due surfers’ “clannishness” and that paparazzi at the beach, there to catch the Superbad lead, was making frustration.

As a surf journalist thrice published, I should know the true reasoning but don’t have much time to think about why surfers would think Jonah Hill ruined surfing as I am currently attempting to enjoy the journey of learning to be funny.

Time consuming.

Ultra Sensitive Surf Candy.