Surfline Man builds fitness in readiness for big winter swells: “There’s a BJJ studio nearby, but it all sounds so sweaty. Also, he has trouble with the name. It just looks so much like blowjob.”

The winter swells are coming! Surfline Man has to do something! He can’t just sit here on the couch.

The winter swells are coming.

Every day, Surfline Man looks at the forecasts and every day, there’s a big swell on the models, just taunting him. It’s ten days out.

Now it’s fourteen days out.

Now it’s gone.

Now it’s back. 

Eventually, that giant swell will appear right here at his favorite beach. Just imagine! Swell lines stacked up to the horizon. Overhead sets. Dreamy green walls. Maybe he’ll even get barrelled. Surfline Man feels giddy just thinking about it. 

But there’s one problem. Surfline Man isn’t even ready for the big winter swells. 

For one thing, he needs a new board. He’s a good surfer now, and if there’s one thing Surfline Man knows, it’s that all good surfers have a step-up. Surfline Man does not have a step-up. 

At least not yet.

But Surfline Man is totally going to get one. Maybe something with more rocker. 

A guy in the parking lot was telling him all about his new board and how it had like, the perfect rocker. Surfline Man wasn’t about to confess that he has no idea what rocker is or how it works, but it sure did sound important. 

Maybe later he’ll cruise to the surf shop. Rocker. It even sounds fast. Surfline Man wants to go so fast on the big winter waves. He’s certain it’s going to be the best winter ever. 

But first, Surfline Man needs to get fit. Back in his San Clemente days, his ex-girlfriend used to drag him to the gym. He hated it, mostly. But it did keep him from turning into a total slacker and getting like, flabby and stuff.

Ever since he moved to Cardiff, Surfline Man has been slacking off on the whole work-out and healthy eating thing. He had big plans to go to yoga with the cute girl from the Swamis parking lot. Too bad he never got around to it. 

And sure, he gets on the ebike sometimes, but even Surfline Man knows that the ebike is not going to get him fit for the winter swells. 

Surfline Man needs a plan. He needs to get fit like, so fast right now. Hopefully, the internet can save Surfline Man from his bad decisions just like it has so many times before. 

Everywhere he goes on the internet, Surfline Man sees ads for Whoop. He loves how his favorite brands follow him around now. It’s so nice having friends wherever he goes. He doesn’t understand what a Whoop is, or what it does, but if surfers are using Whoop, it must be cool. 

Surfline Man is pretty sure he should get one. He punches Whoop into Google.

Oh, a Whoop will get him fit. This is so perfect right now. And there’s like a club he can join and coaching! His ex was crazy about Peloton and all the classes and instructors and stuff. She talked about them all the time, like they were her besties. 

Surfline Man knows himself. He’s not good at getting off the couch. Like, he will totally win the recovery part of training. But maybe if he has a coach he can do the sweaty stuff, too. Surfline Man can’t type his credit card number fast enough. 

While he waits for his new Whoop, which he’s pretty sure is going to change his life completely, Surfline Man figures he better get started with some training. It would be super bad for his morale if his numbers were all low. He wants to come flying into his Whoop training like a pro. 

What to do. There’s a BJJ studio nearby, but it all sounds so sweaty. Also, he has trouble with the name. It just looks so much like blowjob. He can’t even get past it. Surfline Man knows he should be better than this. But he’s totally not. 

Then Surfline Man has an idea. He should get fit the old-fashioned way. Go to the gym, and pump some iron. Surfline Man is going to get pumped up! Just like Arnold! He’s going to put on his lululemon and go to the gym, and get so jacked. He’s going to be so ready for the winter swells. 

Flipping through his phone, Surfline Man finds a gym. He squeezes into his lululemon and realizes that in fact, his fitness plan is just a little overdue. Even more determined than ever, Surfline Man fills his newest Hydroflask and grabs an organic food bar. 

Then Surfline Man realizes that he has no idea what to do at a gym. 

Back to the internet. Surfline Man plops down on the couch and pops open his laptop. Core work-outs. He’s pretty sure core strength is super important for surfing the big winter swells. Only Google can save him. 

Men’s Health. That sounds right. He is a man, and he is really into his health right now. Surfline Man feels like he is getting closer. The internet totally gets him.

25 Best Ab Work-Outs. Surfline Man is shocked. 25! That is so many ab work-outs. He had no idea that getting pumped up was so complicated. Arnold made it all sound so easy. Surfline Man feels like he has so much to learn. This whole fitness thing has more moving parts than the perfect cutback. 

Just then his phone buzzes. 

meeting up for beers later

wanna join?

nah i’m trying to cut back

gotta get fit for winter

getting on the whoop program and all

whoa badass

good luck with all that

Surfline Man is motivated. Look at him, skipping beers, making good choices! 

But he has to confess that he did not expect there to be 25 ab work-outs. He is going to have to study hard before he goes to the gym. Surfline Man does not want to look like a full-on amateur kook at the gym. That would be so embarrassing like high school all over again. Surfline Man shudders. 

The winter swells are coming! Surfline Man has to do something! He can’t just sit here on the couch. He needs to be fit and strong and prepared to surf his new surfboard, that he hasn’t bought yet, that will definitely have the most rocker. 

What in the world is he going to do now? Definitely, he is not prepared for the gym. 

Running. Surfline Man figures anyone can go running. With renewed motivation, Surfline Man bounds off the couch. Something in his hip or maybe his knee goes pop. Damn, he really does need to exercise. Well, he’s going to do that right now. He is so going to crush this run. 

Surfline Man rummages around in his closet for a pair of shoes. He really doesn’t have any shoes for running or going to the gym. Mentally, he adds shoes to his shopping list. He’s pretty sure his new besties at Men’s Health can help him solve this dilemma. 

Surfline Man unearths a pair of broken-in Vans. They don’t exactly scream athlete, but Surfline Man knows he has to start somewhere. He laces them up, and straps his phone to his arm. Playlist, baby! Surfline Man doesn’t know much about running, but he’s pretty sure he needs the right playlist to make it happen.

On the way out, Surfline Man grabs an old Vans hat and slaps it on his head. Surfline Man feels so good now. He likes his brands to match. He wonders if Vans makes work-out clothes. That would be so cool. Turning his Vans hat backwards, Surfline Man is so ready now. 

Out the front door, into the bright fall sunlight, Surfline Man bounds down the sidewalk toward the ocean. He’s going running and he’s going to run straight down to the beach. 

Surfline Man feels so free! He’s pretty sure he’s going to get this fitness thing dialed in no time at all. 

Then he remembers. Running hurts. It hurts so much. Surfline Man is pretty sure he’s been running for like, an hour already. The beach does not look any closer than it did when he left his driveway. His legs feel totally broken. And his lungs! His lungs, they burn! They burn so much. 

It’s really hard to breath right now and Surfline Man is pretty sure he is going to pass out right here on the sidewalk in Cardiff, not that far — but still way too far away — from the beach. 

Surfline Man catches sight of himself in a store window. He looks sweaty and disheveled and not even cool at all. 

His side! It’s so cramped right now! 

Surfline Man wants to lie down on the sidewalk. He’s pretty sure running was not his best idea ever. Clearly, he needs to prepare more carefully before attempting more fitness stuff. Surfline Man is certain the right shoes will totally help. 

Surfline Man turns around and heads home. It turns out that he has not traveled super far at all. He refuses to be depressed by his lack of progress. Surfline Man caught a wave at Malibu! He is pretty sure he can totally figure out how to get fit in time for the winter swells. 

Back home, Surfline Man bops into the kitchen. He doesn’t know much about fitness, at least not yet. But he does know that it’s very important to eat protein after a hard work-out. He nearly passed out on the sidewalk, so he’s pretty sure his run counts.

Digging around in his pantry, Surfline Man finds a half-forgotten canister of whey protein. He throws a healthy dose of protein in the blender. Then he adds kale, almond milk, peanut butter, blueberries, and a banana. All his favorite things! Surfline Man is eating so healthy now. 

Surfline Man kicks off his shoes, and heads back to the couch. He puts up his legs, which he’s pretty sure is important for recovery. He can’t even wait to figure out how to do fitness right. 

Surfline Man opens his laptop. The 21 Best Running Shoes for 2021. Yes! This is exactly what he needs. Surfline Man is going totally going to crush at running now!

His phone buzzes. 

SURF ALERT. 

Surfline Man flips over to Surfline and quickly scans the text. Solid NW headed straight for the California coast. 

A winter swell! Surfline Man suddenly feels light-headed. He takes a deep breath. He’s like so close to passing out on his couch and drowning in his protein smoothie. 

Seven days! Surfline Man only has seven days to get fit for the first swell of the winter. He doesn’t even know how he’s going to do it. And, he needs to find a new step-up surfboard with so much rocker. 

Surfline Man has way too much to do. Surfing is so important to him. It’s completely vital that he is totally ready the day the big swell arrives. He opens Google Calendar and marks the date. 

On a mission, Surfline Man heads out to the Sprinter.

He must get to the surf shop right away. He needs a step-up and he needs it right now. He only has seven days until the first big swell of the winter!

Surfline Man has no time to lose!