"It’s great every one of this endangered population happen to be off Perth at the moment.”

A little under two weeks ago a male swimmer was killed by what witnesses described as a “massive Great White” at Port Beach, a mostly still-water sorta beach, pretty as hell, near the shipping hub of Fremantle.

The attack came on the twentieth anniversary of Ken Crews’ horror death in a Great White shallow water attack at nearby Cottesloe Beach, a hit that ushered in the brave new age of regular human-Great White interactions in WA.

Now, two of Perth’s most popular beaches, City Beach and Floreat, have been temporarily closed after multiple tagged Great Whites raised alarms at Scarborough, City Beach, Floreat, Cottesloe and Leighton.

“They are blitzing the metro beaches,” ocean swimmer RichardW wrote on Twitter. “On the other hand it’s great every one of this endangered population happen to be off Perth at the moment.”

Rottnest Island, site of a WCT event earlier this year, and which was temporarily put on hold because of a lurking Great White, is also crawling with Whites courtesy of a sixty-foot whale carcass floating just off Thompson Bay. 

The event has been drawing excited spectators, although swimming is not advised. 

And, at Rabbit Hill in Yallingup, Taj Burrow’s favourite wave and everyday haunt, a Great White has been reported. 

Whites also at Mandurah and Rockingham.

Attacks by Great Whites, once a wild rarity in West Oz, have become wildly common. 

Last October, surfer Andrew Sharpe was disappeared by a Great White at Kelpies, near Esperance, south of Perth; that January, an Esperance diver was hit by a Great White and three years before that, still Esperance, teenager Laeticia Brouwer was killed by a Great White in front of her family at Kelpies. 

More to come, I suppose.

Have you been cucked by a vulnerable adult learner surfer lately?

A bright morning, the swell pulsing a little from the south, enough for a chip shot to foam climb to weak wrap and a little milk left on the teat to spray a learner on the shoulder. 

A left swings in, take off, hear wild shrieks of “Hey! Hey! Hey!”

Look back over my right shoulder and a man in his forties is still prone at the trough of the wave, both hands on the deck while dragging his legs beneath him like some wretched polio-infected beggar. 

“Hey! Hey! Hey!” 

Obvs, I continue but my equilibrium is upset by the event. 

At what point in the adult surfer learner journey can a VAL start calling other surfers off waves? 

At what juncture does a new surfer feel they’ve earned the right to the ownership of a wave? 

I live by a pretty simple rule. If someone surfs better than me, yeah, I know, most, unless its too wilful to ignore I ain’t gonna say a damn thing. 

I’ll take the cuckolding, watch the stud stroking the  wave’s womb-gate as he flies down the line, and get out of there. 

I still consider it a terrific honour to surf behind a surfer of CT level, some of my happiest moments watching Joel Parkinson soar down the line, turning where I’d crouch for the tube; Andy Irons taking off like a Navy plane out of its slingshot.

I found it real odd, a few months back, when a Lowers shredder lost his mind at title contender Filipe Toledo shoulder hopping his ride. What greater thrill could there be than being gifted a front-row seat to the best two-foot-and-under surfer in the world? 

Let’s get into the VALS mindset. 

They come into the game as more enlightened souls than anyone who learned to surf before COVID and the VALpocalypse. 

The VAL believes in equality of outcome whatever the rider’s skill level; the pre-VAL era surfer still lives in an outdated world of meritocracies, the better you get, the more waves you ride. 

The VAL, unable to identify the difference between a wave that misses the bank or hits it a wrong angle, believes waves are an infinite resource and that all waves are the same. 

Pre-VAL knows there are diamonds amid the rocks and he ain’t gonna holler and scratch for the duds. But that…one…that hits just right, he’s gonna scratch for it. 

The VAL, therefore, yells and hollers and barks years before he is legally entitled to do so. 

Or am I wrong and this is the new way? 

Ergo, what would Jonah do?