Have you been cucked by a vulnerable adult learner surfer lately?
A bright morning, the swell pulsing a little from the south, enough for a chip shot to foam climb to weak wrap and a little milk left on the teat to spray a learner on the shoulder.
A left swings in, take off, hear wild shrieks of “Hey! Hey! Hey!”
Look back over my right shoulder and a man in his forties is still prone at the trough of the wave, both hands on the deck while dragging his legs beneath him like some wretched polio-infected beggar.
“Hey! Hey! Hey!”
Obvs, I continue but my equilibrium is upset by the event.
At what point in the adult surfer learner journey can a VAL start calling other surfers off waves?
At what juncture does a new surfer feel they’ve earned the right to the ownership of a wave?
I live by a pretty simple rule. If someone surfs better than me, yeah, I know, most, unless its too wilful to ignore I ain’t gonna say a damn thing.
I’ll take the cuckolding, watch the stud stroking the wave’s womb-gate as he flies down the line, and get out of there.
I still consider it a terrific honour to surf behind a surfer of CT level, some of my happiest moments watching Joel Parkinson soar down the line, turning where I’d crouch for the tube; Andy Irons taking off like a Navy plane out of its slingshot.
Let’s get into the VALS mindset.
They come into the game as more enlightened souls than anyone who learned to surf before COVID and the VALpocalypse.
The VAL believes in equality of outcome whatever the rider’s skill level; the pre-VAL era surfer still lives in an outdated world of meritocracies, the better you get, the more waves you ride.
The VAL, unable to identify the difference between a wave that misses the bank or hits it a wrong angle, believes waves are an infinite resource and that all waves are the same.
Pre-VAL knows there are diamonds amid the rocks and he ain’t gonna holler and scratch for the duds. But that…one…that hits just right, he’s gonna scratch for it.
The VAL, therefore, yells and hollers and barks years before he is legally entitled to do so.
Or am I wrong and this is the new way?
Ergo, what would Jonah do?
Did the VAL take off deeper than you, the purported world class surfer? How did you let that happen?
You can sell these fools on shit waves all day. Burn them on the good ones
I believe skill trumps all ergo more rights to more waves etc. I do agree with charges of low contribution to society, net suck on the system.
I suspect Jonah will pull up an old video or two of The Dead and maybe even some of Robert Hunter to find the essence and learn how to play tunes on the harp unstrung
Now we know why Jonah has embraced the surf culture. This biopic will surely reveal Jerry’s fascination with surfing, possibly while on heroin of course, so Jonah had to cover all the angles. BUT one is left to wonder if Ben and Jerry’s will bring back Cherry Garcia in a commemorative vessel featuring Jonah in a Body Glove wetsuit and of course a Whoop strap on his wrist…
My bear 6,10 mid thruster is just so dang fast that it doesn’t matter. I hear yelling in the background and I’m like laterz bro
Fat bastard going to portray fat bastard.
Bodylove is going bigtime, Scorsese, wow!
Has Oz really gone so soft that you can’t hand out an assbeating when needed?
yes – largely empty threats
Right? Those fuckers get to surf perfect waves all the time, yet they feel the need to take the best waves from average guys on an average day at an average spot too. Fuck them right in their crap lousy face with that shit.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
I call it “VAL.”
It’s the law of the water….everyone is human, no mater what your skill level. If you have the right of wave (deeper takeoff point) it’s your wave. If a noob ,grom ,kook, or whoever has the right of wave then its theirs ,and if you EGO makes you take off on him then the person who took off deeper has the right to kick his board out at your fa e or knock you off ,if he so chose to. It’s etiquette, plain and simple. Anyone taking off on others is the kook themselves. We are all humans, again and so many have forgotten that being in the water, we are there to cherish a gift of community, of love and respect for one another, of safety for our fellow humans and that surfing above all should be about having fun and helping out others, SO MANY EGO MANIACS IN THE WATER THESE DAYS….I literally had to put some asshole in his place a while back for threatening to physically hurt a group of 12 year old children …people need to get right with God before they come out into the water
I’d burn him ^
Lol ,such a SKWISGAR thing to say lol “let’s them dildos jack-offs burn”
That’s 100% wrong. The code prescribes that the less skilled are less entitled to enjoy the benefit of the rules provided by the code. Nobody says life is fair. Obvs harming kids is flat out fucking wrong but see section 13 of the code on that.
Is that the same code referenced in the Wedding Crashers? Asking for a friend
Blessed are the Meek,
For they shall inherit F#ck@ll
This is the new reality of surfing. Once enforcement became obsolete, with fuckheads like London Almeida’s mom calling the cops and creating a shitstorm over her kid being a dickhead, everything changed. Might have been ok for a little bit but once the next crew of VAL’s hit the scene it was over, etiquette done. Not saying violence is acceptable or the right way, but the potential for getting slapped kept everyone in check. That potential is gone, results in a visit from the cops. So now you have a bunch of people who never went through the whole hierarchy of earning and learning your spot in a lineup. It a free for all, unless you find places with no cops, that’s the key.
I had a heated exchange with that Almeida kid at my local a couple of years ago, when he tried paddling around me to get a wave. He ended up apologizing to me, and has been friendly/respectful ever since. True story. Grumpy local win.
That’s good if he learned although doubtful. Didn’t he move to Portugal after creating that shitstorm in Laguna? Hanging with the king of douchebags, Ichiscratchy!
then the way to do it now is to burn the Val’s repeatedly,in silence.
let them call the cops and cry that the locals keep dropping in…
To you he is a gifted surfer. To the Lower’s shredder, Filipe’s his competition – he don’t want to surf behind him, he wants to crush him, out surf him.
Aren’t Vals just kooks???
I believe that is the point, yes.
Boom!
Kneecap is a slightly too aggressive but agree on your working man theorem.
Not very many kneecap-less CT surfers out there.
Very hard to keep surfing at that level minus crucial hinges.
The simple solution is not to surf waves that VALS can surf… Surf something proper and then there’s no problem 🤷♂️
So true.
It’s quite entertaining to paddle past a group of VALs who are sitting way too far inside on a big day -clueless- and then watching them get pounded by a big set.
But what of geographical barriers? Do you not surf?
Yeah I get it, if you live in a major population centre you’re kinda fucked and it’s impossible to escape the crowds. That’s not my deal so I can sit on my high horse and laugh at this situation… but there’s something kinda lame about bitching about kooks. They must be irritating as fuck, but picking on VALS doesn’t seem that cool. And it’s kinda pointless. VALS aren’t on here reading these articles, it’s just a circle jerk of old bitter dudes moaning about it. Haha I don’t even know where I’m going with this… anyway, carry on!
Best surfer in the water is the loudest surfer in the water.
So funny. Every time I visit OB San Diego and surf that fun Jetty right there’s this one stocky loud mouth scrub who surfs like he has stick up his ass. Loudest guy in the water. Tries to flex on me every time and I just smile 🙂 knowing that if he showed up where I live he wouldn’t get single wave. I keep hoping he shows up so he can experience a proper flexing.
OB always seems to be particularly bad. Reefs north of PB are going that way too.
That fucking guy. You are not even close to alone in disliking him.
I dearly love to spray bobbing dorks in and around the lineup and I will alter my course repeatedly to pressure hose their collective retinas. I hope they stick around.
Biggest problem with VALs is that the cunts don’t know they’re in the wrong when they’re in the wrong, which is too fucken often.
Case in point: VAL takes a surf lesson or 8 and wobbles on a soft top a few times and gets sold the dream by the “instructor”. Instructor thinks he should do the right thing and tells the VAL dickhead some basic rules, like “never drop in”. VAL paddles out one day on his new Wavestorm Tudor Lopez Bolt. No idea about rotation or localism or old faces or place in the pecking order. Just paddles out and plonks himself down somewhere. Catches a wave, everyone can see he’s a 40 y.o beginner wobbler pasty white as fuck.
He paddles back out and plonks himself down on the inside of everyone. Doesn’t even know he’s on the inside coz he doesn’t know where the fuck he should be sitting or if it’s a left or fucking right. Next wave comes in and the dickhead paddles for it again. No concept of waiting or anything. Just fucking chin down arms straight helicopter go. Local bloke looks at him and giggles inside and paddles. VAL starts calling “hey hey hey Derek oi oi my wave”.
Local says “what’s the go mate? VAL looks at him all stern and earnest and says “don’t drop in on someone on the inside.” Local bloke has about 57 layers of dickhead to wade through but just says ah fuck it and paddles off. Probs drops in again a few more times or just finds a different bank. VAL goes off to the inertia and complains about grumpy fucken locals thinking they own the beach.
Problems are here coz all the VALs are doing the same shit. Don’t know the rules that come with time in the water and time at a place. Now they’re all breaking rules left right and up the fucking guts and there’s too many to deal with or put in place.
Just yesterday I told a 12 year old grom how nice it was to surf with him. It used to be that that demographic was the only learner you’d encounter. He was new, but was staying out of my way (it was just him and I), wasn’t taking himself too seriously and was just enjoying the process of learning. Fucking humility. Where I’m at the 40 year old VAL might have a high paying job/be The Big Boss Man, drive a $80,000 range rover, and they carry that self-perceived sense of entitlement in the lineup. They can’t understand that 99% of the time when they’re not surfing they can do whatever the fuck they want, but can’t accept that the 1% of the day they spend surfing they lose all that ‘power’. Ego and entitlement are ruining the experience.
I got into it with a guy last week because he got offended when I called him off a wave (nicely BTW) that he was burning me on doing exactly what you said. Head down, staring at the nose of his board, not looking left or right. Dude said “why’d you call me off that wave, I was going really good”. I explained that when someone is on the wave, you don’t go. He muttered ‘well I will try to not burn you’ to which I responded ‘well I will try to not shoot my board at your fucking head if you do it again’. We were all new at some point but (for me at least) I knew I sucked and did not want to ruin others session so I would paddle down the beach and kook out on my own.
Be humble, have fun, and give respect to get it.
VALs are such stains coz they’ve taken away our escape. Surfing and the beach was where I went to get away from the cunts driving flashy cars and dribbling business and telling me to tuck my shirt in. I was safe in the knowledge I could go to the beach, go for a surf, have a longneck and not see a single fucking VAL for hours.
Now they’ve come to us and brought all their entitled, arrogant shit with them. There’s no fucking escape anymore. Except for Byron…
Come to CA, it’s Super Fucked! My pops was a surfer (RIP) and ran with the Hells Angels in San Diego. Some of the stories he’s tell me made me scared as shit to burn anyone! I think the worst for me was that I’d spent 14 years up on the CA/Oregon border surfing. There was NO SCENE up there cause it was usually freezing fucking cold and raining. Most surfers were just your average work-a-day Joe.
I had a bulging disc in my back late October – excruciating shooting pain shooting down both legs. It was almost a relief to not have to think about tides/winds/crowds. Weird to say but when I’m forced to quit surfing someday it might be kind of a relief. The sport I know now is not the one I fell in love with.
Yeah sometimes I’m relieved when my daughters have shit to do I can’t get out of. Saves me the anguish of decision making and the regret of wrong decisions.
Where’s Kyle Rittenhouse when y’need him!
2nd Amendment vs. the 1st Amendment, or so Wiki says. What about the right to bare knuckles at VALs? That’d sort ‘em out.
yea, the problem is.. we don’t know what the f#k the instructor tells these kooks, and I don’t think it’s respect the locals and only take off on the sh!t waves,
I think all instructors are masons or illuminati…