"It is impossible to neglect and still be a
complete surfer. It’s a must have in your arsenal.”
Picture a white screen: in the middle is a
simple circular logo, with a classic one-dimensional curling wave
breaking in the middle.
Below the logo, in that soft cursive font favoured by wellness
influencers and middle-aged mothers, is written MeSurf online
tutorials: become a pro from the comfort of your own home.
Jack Johnson-esque guitar licks accompany the virtual scene.
The screen fades to two men sitting at a simple timber desk,
itself positioned in front of a larger version of the
aforementioned logo, which looks to be draped from the ceiling of
the well-lit studio.
There’s Jordan. Mid 40s. Fit. Beautifully tanned skin. Perfect
head of hair. Alabaster teeth. Moneyed English accent common
to the eastern suburbs advertising scene. He sits in front of a
sheer white Macbook and looks to be an excited ball of corporate
energy.
Next to him is Ennis. A vaguely familiar amatuer pro from the
‘90s. Former South Australian state champion. Less well built than
Jordan, and a little more weathered. Shaggy blonde hair falls down
around his eyes. But he is still well-presented for a surfer who
has most likely seen the inside of more than one third-world gaol
cell.
Both are wearing tightly cropped meSurf tees with lapel mics
clipped to the collar.
The music drops out.
“Thank you everybody and welcome to our latest meSurf
livestream,” says Jordan in his perfectly pitched, if slightly over
enthusiastic, tone. “Here with me as always I have my good friend,
and the surf maestro, Ennis Pieters.”
“Hi,” says Ennis softly, leaning into the lapel mic.
“Just ease back a bit there,” says Jordan, putting a hand to
Ennis’ mic. “That’s better.”
He turns back to the camera.
“In fact that’s what I call you in the surf now, isn’t it? The
maestro. It’s sort of my surfing nickname for you.”
Jordan’s head wobbles when he says ‘surfing’.
Ennis nods dutifully into the camera. “Yes, it is.”
And what is it that you call me?”
Ennis looks from the camera, to Jordan, back to the camera.
“It’s uh…”
“Come on, you remember it.”
“Well, it’s what you’ve asked me to call you. It’s… Jordy.”
Jordan begins to laugh hysterically
“Yes that’s it. Jordy! Just like my favourite surfer, Jordy
Smith. Not to say that I surf like him… yet. I’ll need a few more
lessons with the maestro before I get to that level, right
Ennis?
He slaps Ennis roughly on the back.
“Ah yep, right.”
Jordan calms himself down and turns back to the camera.
“Now for today’s lesson we’re going to be learning the basics of
a fundamental maneuver all surfers should be able to employ. Ennis
assures me this is one of the most essential – and exciting – moves
there is in the surf world.”
#askmeSurf flashes up on the bottom of the screen.
“As always we will be taking questions from viewers,” continues
Jordan, “so please do hit us with a comment in whatever platform it
is you’re watching us on, using the hashtag below. Take it away,
Ennis!”
Ennis coughs nervously, his eyeline sitting somewhere above the
camera.
“Thanks Jordan. This particular move is a tricky one because it
can be hard to pull off if it’s not something you’ve learned
naturally. But at the same time it is such a fundamental set up, or
transition, that it is impossible to neglect and still be a
complete surfer. It’s a must have in your arsenal.”
“Sounds exciting!” says Jordan. “And what is this mystery
move?
Ennis clears his throat again. Looks directly to the camera.
Something changes in his expression. A subtle shift in the lines
and contours of his face. The earlier meekness disappears. Replaced
by a serious, steady gaze. A gaze not seen perhaps since the final
of the State Championships at Ceduna beach in 1994.
“Today I want to talk about the scowl.”
Jordan uncharacteristically misses a beat, as he processes what
Ennis has just said.
“The … scowl?”
“That’s what I said. The scowl is absolutely one of my favourite
moves in surfing.”
“Okay,” says Jordan.
The laptop begins to beep. Jordan turns his attention to it.
“Oh and it looks like the listeners are engaging already,” he
says.
“Reddit user ‘BondiRipper’ asks, and I think this is the
question on everybody’s lips, When you say ‘scowl’ are you
referring to the facial expression?”
“Yes,” replies Ennis. “The scowl is one of the most
fundamental weapons in any self respecting surfer’s repertoire.
It’s incredibly diverse. It can be employed in any number of
situations. Not just in the line up.”
The laptop begins to beep furiously.
“You see, good surfing isn’t just about what you’re doing on
your board while you’re riding a wave. Good surfing starts from the
second you wake up right through until you rest your head on your
single, mouldy, salt-stained pillow at night.”
“Right,” says Jordan. He turns to somebody offscreen
momentarily, and shrugs.
“It’s a commitment,” continues Ennis. “A lifestyle. a state of
mind. And nothing encapsulates the spirit of surfing better than a
filthy, spiteful, omnipotent scowl.”
Jordan nods his head slowly. He is looking at Ennis as if he is
looking at a complete stranger. An alien.
“In the lineup you’re going to run into all sorts of people.
Many of them will be on some form of surfcraft. But few of them
will be real surfers. It’s important then that you signify to
surfers and non-surfers alike that you’re part of the core
tribe.”
The laptop continues to beep. Jordan motions as if he is going
to say something, but he is unable – or unwilling – to
interrupt.
“There’s a few different ways of doing this – how you carry your
board, how you put on your leash, how you subtly splash learners or
anybody you don’t recognise as you paddle past them – each of which
is worth a tutorial in itself But none of them carry the scornful
disdain of a well-deployed scowl. Let’s take a look at this
video.”
The screen fades again to a lone surfer out in the lineup. A
learner on a Machado Firewire mid length. An ‘A’ appears above his
head. Another surfer approaches. Old, weathered, paddling a beat up
old thruster. A ‘B’ pops up above his.
“Hi friend! Some pretty pumping waves out here today, huh?” says
surfer A to surfer B.
The camera freezes just as it zooms in on surfer B’s face.
“Now you can see here how surfer B is entering the first stage
of his scowl,” says Ennis “You’ll notice his head cock backwards,
like he’s just opened a dirty nappy.”
On the screen a directional arrow appears, demonstrating the
direction of the head’s movement.
“This is important for two reasons. Firstly, the depth of the
backwards cocking motion signifies how disgusted he is with the
question. Secondly, it gives him a split second to consider his
next move.”
“So the depth and severity of it is commensurate with the
situation?” asks Jordan.
“Exactly. You are a quick learner, Jordy!”
A small box appears at the bottom of the screen, showing Ennis
and Jordan as they analyse the video. A smile begins to form
on Jordan’s face.
“Now, for new surfers, the head cock might be quite drawn out
and laboured. That’s ok. It’s not until you become an experienced
surfer that you will be able to cock back your head and scowl in
one fluid movement. But this is what I love so much about it. It’s
a set up turn. By drawing it out it gives you time to think about
what your response is going to be.”
Ennis begins to pay with the mouse in front of Jordan. On screen
surfer B’s head cocks backwards and forwards as he toggles the
video.
“I can tell this guy here knows his stuff. Boy I love it. Just
watch how smooth this is.”
“Well, moving on,” says Jordan.”
“Yes, sorry. If we skip forward a few frames, we can now see the
telltale signs of the scowl itself forming on the surfer’s face.
His eyes begin to squint, his mouth and nose are scrunching both
inwards and upwards, towards his eyes.”
Circles appear in the relevant areas of Surfer B’s face.
“Yes I can certainly see what you’re saying there,” says
Jordan.
“Again, you could say he looks like he’s just opened up a big
dirty nappy. And in many ways he has, because the skilled surfer
should treat any question or comment put to him in the surf like it
is a pile of the most horrendous, disagreeable, stinking shit he
has ever encountered.”
The computer beeps again.
“Another one here from Instagram user WSL_Junky. It says, ‘So
anything you say to him, he will be disgusted?”
“Yes that’s correct,” says Ennis. “You could be talking about
the waves, the weather, the crowd. You might even just be saying
hello. All enquiries from any person that you can not readily
identify as a core surfer should be treated the same. Observe.”
The video plays again, looping back to the start of the scene.
Surfer A says, “Hi friend! Some pretty pumping waves out here
today, huh?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” drawls surfer B, with a voice
that hisses like piss being poured over a fire. “This surf is
absolutely horrendous. I haven’t seen a bank this bad since the
summer of 1998. Pumping waves. You’ve got to be KIDDING ME. “
The video freezes, so that surfer B’s mouth is contorted
mid-scowl.
“Oh I love it. Jeez I love it,” says Ennis. “I can really see
this surfer is a natural, he cares about his technique. The
absolute distaste with which he responds. The slow and purposeful
delivery. The reference to surf conditions from a time when the
other surfer most likely hadn’t even been born yet, let alone
started surfing. Each of these seemingly minor considerations come
together to produce what is, to me, pure poetry in motion.”
“Yes,” says Jordan, whose earlier look of disdain for Ennis has
been replaced by one of adoration. Of respect. Of love. “Yes,
absolutely.”
The computer beeps again, breaking him from his reverie. He
stops, refocusses.
“Twitter user kanoaigarashi asks, is the scowl the only way to
engage with fellow surfers?
“Not at all,” says Ennis. “There’s the grunt, the sardonic
smile, and even the maniacal laugh. It’s really up to the surfer to
use his surf knowledge and intuition as to what technique best
suits the situation at hand.”
“Fantastic,” says Jordan. “Well, Everytime we have one of these
sessions I learn something new. And today has not disappointed. I
hope you surfers at home got as much out of this session as I
did.”
Ennis nods contently.
“Well, there we have it, continues Jordan. “Another successful
#askeSurf session. I certainly know I’ll be practising my scowl in
the mirror tonight when I get home. I hope you will be too!”
The meSurf logo appears on screen, and the homely acoustic
soundtrack kicks back in.
Jordan turns to Ennis, not realising the microphone is still
on.
“So, Ennis, what are you up to now? Should we head back to my
place for a video review session? Maybe stir up a couple of cheeky
gin kombuchas?”
Just as the screen begins to fade, we see Ennis slowly cock his
head back. His eyes begin to squint, and his mouth and nose
scrunch both inwards and upwards, as if he is opening a dirty
nappy.
