Surfing's most prestigious prize turned into
"TikTok circle jerk."
When the WSL’s self-confessed
biggest fan, @surfads, partly described the WSL’s recent efforts as
“Turning a deadshit, dumbcunt but still unique sports outfit into a
generic, compliant, corporate glory hole”, I nodded in
agreement and felt there wasn’t a lot more to say.
Especially coming in so hot on the heels of The Ultimate
Surfer where a guy and gal got a place in WCT events by
surfing in a pool and winning lifetime dream prizes like SUPs, I
didn’t think the WSL could make itself any more tacky and tawdry,
or cheapen its product even more.
On reflection, that’s bullshit.
It can, and it has.
When @surfads wrote his article, I commented that it’d take far
too long to unpack all that’s wrong with the WSL right now, but
that was a cop-out. I hate peanut gallery fuckwits who mock your
efforts without offering any kind of explanation, thus, for that
reason, I want to pinpoint a couple of glaring examples of the WSL
clusterfuck sticking out like shit on Meghan Markle’s shoes.
This is part one.
@surfads bemoaned the lack of a Pipe contest to end the year, so
what better place to start than Hawaii? Specifically, the Triple
Crown of Surfing.
And, while the TCOS is run this year by Vans and Stab, the Vans
TCOS official website says, “This competition is sanctioned by the
WSL”, so that’s good enough for me.
Billed for decades as the most prestigious title to win outside
of being anointed surfing’s world champ, the Triple Crown of
Surfing was always something that mattered in the surfing
world.
Especially to the Hawaiians.
A list of Triple Crown winners since its inception in 1983 shows
a who’s who of surfing royalty.
Michael Ho, Derek Ho, Kong, Tom Carroll, Sunny, Kelly, Andy,
Parko, John John, Gabe.
It’s a mighty impressive list.
And why wouldn’t it be, when you look at the historical format
of the TCOS itself? Three contests, all in prime, big-wave spots
where heavy waves explode on shallow reefs.
You had to be a fucking good surfer to win the whole
shebang.
If we use a starting point in the contests as Round 64 for the
top guys, to win a contest you gotta get through five heats against
all the best surfers in the world, in some of the scariest, most
intimidating waves in the world. No-one has ever won all three
contests of the TCOS in a single year (I think), so let’s just play
a little game of averages for the fuck of it.
Let’s say a surfer’s results over the three contests were final,
quarters, quarters. That’d get ‘em pretty close to the gong most
years. Starting from R64, that means our surfer would have got
through eight or nine heats or so across three contests. Getting
through that many heats in Hawaii against all the best guys in the
world in big, dangerous, powerful conditions, including the locals
who love nothing more than shitting on the outta town blow-ins, is
fucking hard.
And that’s why the list of TCOS champions includes eight world
champions and multiple top three finishers like Julian Wilson and
Gary Elkerton.
You win the TCOS and it’s a big fucking deal. Something that
earns the respect of everyone in the surfing community, among them
even the grumpiest, most begrudging old naysayers.
Well, it was.
‘Cause now, what used to be the prestigious TCOS is no more.
Nuked, nixed, and fucking gutted. There are no contests involved
anymore. None. No four-man heats. No two-man heats. No paddle
battles. No local intimidation. No Wolfpak or Black Shorts. No
interference calls. No Hawaiian underdogs. No buzzer beaters. No
scoreboard pressure or commentator’s curses.
Nothin’.
Why? Because The Triple Crown of Surfing is now a fully online
digital contest.
(No relation to doctors sticking their fingers up your
asshole.)
To compete in and win the Triple Crown of Surfing now you just
gotta take a few videos of your surfing and then submit them online
(don’t forget to tag @vanstriplecrownofsurfing) and hope that the
judges like your “content”. I ain’t making this up.
Out with the old, in with the hip and the new.
More than just a bit confused by this new turn of events, I
tried to make some sense of it all. Big failure.
When I first went through the rules format the first thing that
popped into my stupefied, spinning gogglehead revolved around the
videos surfers have to submit. Half the tour surfers don’t even
have major sponsors, so I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to
say that most of ‘em don’t have dedicated filmers following them
around with the new $80,000 RED 8K video camera.
Exhibit A. Connor O’Leary, ex WQS overall winner, WCT
Rookie of the Year, and winner of the most recent Challenger Series
event, who just requalified for next year’s CT tour. Riding a pure
white, stickerless board.
You reckon the video editors at Quiksilver are just putting the
finishing touches on his signature movie as we speak? What’s that?
They dropped him?
Taking it a step further, what happens if poor old 86 ranked,
unsponno surfer gets the wave of the winter out Pipe in the dark,
dying light of an evening and all he’s got to show for it is his
girlfriend’s grainy iPhone vid where he looks like an ant on a
piece of bread?
Is the poor bloke then forced into an extortionate bidding war
with rival beach videographers for half-decent footage, if they’ve
got it? Or take your chances, send in your cheap ass iPhone vid and
hope it gets viewed favourably against John John’s HD,
technicolour, close-up screamer dreamer?
Shit outta luck if you don’t have the tech or mates who have the
tech.
This is “moving forward”, and “aligning” with the fans.
And, what about the judging system? Four in number. Three
official WSL judges and one wild, exciting, new type of judge
thrown into the mix. What could it be, I hear you wonder?
No more suspense. One of the official judges is the online
punter, you, me, and every other digital “fan”.
How cool, eh? Now we get to make or break a surfer’s livelihood
just by pushing buttons on our phones.
Inclusivity at its best from Vans and the Wozzle.
Alas, I’m confounded again, however.
If the “fans” vote, is this just going to be a sad, pathetic
numbers game of “I’m more popular than you are na na na na na
naaaa”? For example, JJF has 1.4 million Instagram followers. If he
gets 10% of his fans to tap the app and clap clap clap for JJF.
Plus five 5% on top of that for non John-fans. 210,000 votes.
On the other hand, Callum Robson, currently #12 in the
Challenger Series rankings, only has 7,250 Insta followers. Just
for the fuck of it, let’s go all in and say he magically gets 100%
of his followers to vote for him and they all get a mate each to do
the same (wishful thinking but indulge me). 14,500 votes.
Who the fuck gets the choccies there? Confused much?
Not content with reducing one of surfing’s most esteemed prizes
to a TikTok circle jerk, there’s an extra layer of incomprehensible
doolally with the inclusion of a “progressive craft” element.
Yep, one of a surfer’s six vids has to be on a “progressive
craft”. Slight problem though. According to their own rules
published on their website, the “progressive craft” must be a craft
(their terminology, not mine) that’s not quite as progressive as
what the current kids ride.
In fact, some of the “progressive crafts” recommended are over
100 years old. No fucking shit.
I bring to you our “progressive craft” suggestion list, as per
the contest guidelines:
alaias
asymmetricals
twin fins
fish
single fins
eggs
longboards
bonzers
Fuck me, where do I kick off on this? The alaia, 100s of years
old, if not a thousand. Longboards? Close to 100 years now.
Twinnies? MR won titles on ‘em in the ‘70s. Bonzers? Campbell
Brothers, 1970. You get the drift.
Surely it can’t be just me to wonder how the fuck riding a board
from 100 years ago can be called a “progressive craft”? And why the
fuck is it a compulsory component in the Triple Crown of
Surfing?
Can they be any more ludicrously pretentious?
High-performance surfing has progressed beyond all of the
“progressive” crafts listed to the toothpicks we have today.
Granted, toothpicks are not for everyone, but the pros are riding
the most “progressive craft” every fucking day. And, doing shit on
them now that was pretty much impossible on any of the “craft”
listed above.
There’s a reason they’re riding what they’re riding. It’s ’cause
they’re the most progressive boards available.
Do they even know what progressive means? A five-second search
on the Googlenet shows it’s favouring progress and improvement as
opposed to maintaining the status quo.
Newsflash: High-performance surfers “progressed” beyond logs
half a century ago. Fuck me.
Who comes up with this shit? And who rubber stamps it?
The WSL, that’s who. Remember, “This competition is sanctioned
by the WSL”.
You reckon other sports are looking on enviously at the WSL,
wondering how they can copy such genius?
Maybe right about now the bigwigs of Formula 1 admin are telling
drivers like Lewis Hamilton they can only win the F1 title this
year if they’ve driven a “progressive mobile” like, say, the
Reliant Regal
three-wheeler during one of the remaining Grand Prix
races?
Or the Tour de France organisers sending out a memo telling
riders they must complete a stage in The Pyrenees on a penny
fucking farthing?
You can’t script this etc,
