Opportunity?
So there I was, minding my own business, thinking about surf champion Joel Parkinson and his interaction with TikTokers when I stumbled upon yet another story of an elderly writer deciding to take up surfing for the first time and meticulously detailing the journey.
These tales have become ubiquitous in these, the Covid days of our lives, but I am a surf journalist, dedicated to my craft so read each and every for you.
This one, titled ‘Never, ever look down’: a middle-aged guide to catching waves began thusly:
A group of surfers riding the break is a quintessential image of Australian summer. I have wished I could be out there on a board with them for as long as I can remember.
As a youngster I learned to ride skateboards, boogie boards and to ski. But learning to surf – especially now, on the wrong side of 50 – seemed out of reach. Still, on a four-week break in a seaside town, I decided to try anyway.
The man at the Golden Breed store in Noosa Heads suggested a board that was long, wide and light enough to carry. I told myself that the shop was some sort of sign, as my first skateboard, circa 1979, had also been from Golden Breed.
A month’s rental cost about $350, but buying a board was about $400. So I left the store with a new, 8ft 4in “foamie” named Darkhorse, and a pamphlet on surf etiquette.
A quick internet search after my purchase told me Darkhorse featured reinforced polyethylene to give “stiffness and durability”, and was “designed to withstand heavy Hawaiian conditions”. None of which I really needed. Or so I thought.
Wait.
A pamphlet on surf etiquette?
The piece meandered on, I assume, but this business about handing out surf etiquette pamphlets derailed my reading.
What, do you think, was included?
And might we worm our way in and help provide better information a la Tyler Durden?
Something to also think about during the momentary break in Joel Parkinson vs. mini-adult news.
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about time
Biased much!?!
Good advice the suggested beginner board being “light enough to carry.” I ruined two troops of Pigmy porters before figuring that out.
Don’t be a cunt. The end.
That was a great read! Wouldn’t mind owning a copy…
I’ll include it as a supplement with Chas new novella
I am a middle age surfer and thinking of becoming a surf journalist. Any pointers?
VAJ?
I’m pretty sure I just got abducted by aliens. I swear I just looked at my watch and it was the 3 March and now its the 14th. Or is that just what happens when you have a business, a 2 year old and a 30 week pregnant wife?
Thoughts and prayers 🙏
you need a surf trip bro, start planning!
So Negatroll bought a new surfboard, and is looking for a writers spot!? Got it….
Beak Beach Grit!
People surf for decades,some even win world championships, and never learn surf etiquette.
“It’s a slip and slide, it’s not raining…”
Any news when “Porko’s Guide to the Slip & Slide” will be hitting the bookshop shelves ?
The critical slide society?
Hey Chas, you could try not reading them and just copy n paste n publish.
You know, speed up the process….
I live in a seaside town and would love a four week break.
Rumor has it, is his wife is producing it, too.
Chas–unrelated–anyway SurfAds can do a write up of this documentary? https://www.surfline.com/su…
Can my review also be five paragraphs, three of them copy and pasted?
Actually just submitted my first ever surf-lit-crit
That may piss Chas off–copying his style too much. Maybe just 2.5 paragraphs of copy and paste instead?
To whom did you submit that, you traitor?
Dolly Doctor
Lisa Cuntinson
“take board and stand vertically erect ladder at least 3 feet longer than board length, leap with the nose of the surfboard shoving straight up your parko, your surfing” An Aussie bogan cunts etiquette of surfing 2022.
If the pamphlet was prepared by the following:
The inertia – “the ocean belongs to everyone”
The WSL – “the ocean belongs to everyone except straight white males”
Stab – “shortboarders only – unless you are wearing a yellow beanie”
Beach grit – “Quit now you fucking cunt!”
Surfline – “Why not buy your friend a board too?”
It’s sort of like spam email. A spamphlet that BGmail deemed suspect.
The 1st rule of surfclub is ‘you don’t talk about it!’
The second rule of surfclub is…
Pretty sure I emailed you the link to that article a couple weeks ago.
He’s distracted by the Porko news.
Just don’t get in the habit of finding a spot u can see from the car so u can eat doughnuts and watch people flale and some people get turns while u ridicule there style the same. Knowing deep inside there having more fun than u, as u finish the cheep bag of chocolate doughnuts. Its a personal low.
Did you say donuts…
MMmmmmmmm….
DONUTS.
So how’s it feel to finally own a surfboard?
Well, you know, it was a long time coming.
Or at least it used to be when I was much younger.
All joking aside, get out there. Body surf. Boogey. SUP. LB. Mid length. Doesn’t matter. Just stay wet, as long as you can. At least that’s my mantra as I get older and my body aint what it was 20 yrs ago.
I hear you brother, but it’s purely a matter of time. Ain’t got any unless I go at O’shark O’Clock (dark). I refuse to go to the crowded-break-with-car-park despite the safety factor (other cunts to bite) so it means an investment in time on a bicycle / foot wot I ain’t got.
In an ideal world… well… I don’t even want to got there.
My froth has crusted and flaked-off for the most part. Me actually surfing is an abstract concept which may re-engorge at some point in the future. Shrugs.