Revealed: Australian surf shop allegedly includes pamphlets on “surf etiquette” when selling 8-foot-plus surfboards to adult learners!


So there I was, minding my own business, thinking about surf champion Joel Parkinson and his interaction with TikTokers when I stumbled upon yet another story of an elderly writer deciding to take up surfing for the first time and meticulously detailing the journey.

These tales have become ubiquitous in these, the Covid days of our lives, but I am a surf journalist, dedicated to my craft so read each and every for you.

This one, titled ‘Never, ever look down’: a middle-aged guide to catching waves began thusly:

A group of surfers riding the break is a quintessential image of Australian summer. I have wished I could be out there on a board with them for as long as I can remember.

As a youngster I learned to ride skateboards, boogie boards and to ski. But learning to surf – especially now, on the wrong side of 50 – seemed out of reach. Still, on a four-week break in a seaside town, I decided to try anyway.

The man at the Golden Breed store in Noosa Heads suggested a board that was long, wide and light enough to carry. I told myself that the shop was some sort of sign, as my first skateboard, circa 1979, had also been from Golden Breed.

A month’s rental cost about $350, but buying a board was about $400. So I left the store with a new, 8ft 4in “foamie” named Darkhorse, and a pamphlet on surf etiquette.

A quick internet search after my purchase told me Darkhorse featured reinforced polyethylene to give “stiffness and durability”, and was “designed to withstand heavy Hawaiian conditions”. None of which I really needed. Or so I thought.


A pamphlet on surf etiquette?

The piece meandered on, I assume, but this business about handing out surf etiquette pamphlets derailed my reading.

What, do you think, was included?

And might we worm our way in and help provide better information a la Tyler Durden?

Something to also think about during the momentary break in Joel Parkinson vs. mini-adult news.

Secret journals reveal California’s great hope for its first world surfing title in 32 years was riddled with self-doubt in lead-up to debut victory in Portugal, “I feel like a little kid not knowing my place. I have bad self-talk and mind movies of myself losing!”

"One of my life purposes is to show and hopefully inspire vulnerability."

Six days ago, Californian surfer Griffin Colapinto shocked surf fans by beating the world’s sharpest surfer in waves waist-high and under at the MEO Pro Portugal.

Colapinto, who is twenty-three, beat two-time world champ John John Florence in his semi-final before besting Filipe Toledo in the final. Kelly Slater and Kolohe Andino were scalped in earlier heats. 

His bulletproof confidence shown through the event, one in which he would rule as lord and master, has now been revealed as a chimera after Colapinto released two pages of his event diary today. 

Under the heading Portugal Feels, Colapinto writes, 

“I have had mixed feelings about this contest. At 1st I think I’m going to do good then when I’m in the water I feel like a little kid not knowing my place. It’s been hard trying my different equipment not quite sure what I’m going to ride in the contests. I’ve also noticed myself having bad self-talk and mind movies of myself losing in the contest. My surfing feels inconsistent. I may be making this feel too much about the contest when the funnest things are away from it that I do with our crew and friends. I will make the fun stuff in-between what I am here for. The contest can be a bonus.

“I think about being back on the Challenger Series and what other people will think of me. The bottom line is I determine my happiness. Not what other people think. My pursuit for my World Title is a game I’m playing with myself, to see what I’m capable of.” 

Colapinto expanded upon the themes of self-doubt and not living under self-deception in the message page. 

I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to post these journal writings but I remembered that one of my life purposes is to show and hopefully inspire vulnerability. You’ll notice the vulnerability in my spelling and hand writing;) hehe I Did these writings about a quarter of the way through our Portugal trip and a day before the contest started. It’s pretty nuts what the mind will throw at you when you’re under pressure. I feel one of the best ways to handle it, is to get it out of your head and on to paper. Although the hardest part is being truly honest with your self. You really gotta ask yourself a question like, “Am I feeling confident going into this?” If you feel the friction in your stomach when you ask yourself this question then you probably aren’t feeling the way you wanna feel. So if you feel the stomach friction go from there and say “no I am Not feeling confident” so now you accept the elephant in the room. Then you ask yourself “why”. Then you will go deeper and start realizing how you are viewing your situation and More.. Moral of the story is ask yourself questions and figure out how you can get yourself to feel better. This message is for the people that seem to keep getting knocked down but never give up. Your time is coming


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History did thus record Colapinto in heroic pose on podium at Peniche, destined to shake the world.

The power of evocation sends shivers down the spine.

Champion surfer Joel Parkinson’s “bust up” with semi-adult TikTokers tearing Australia apart at seams as families, friends, loved ones come down on opposing sides of right and wrong!

In this corner...

Days ago, the retired Association of Surfing Professionals star, and onetime champion, Joel Parkinson approached a gaggle of pre-teen twenty-four-year-old TikTokers sliding down a muddy hill in his Gold Coast hometown and told them to stop. They did not immediately which led to a scuffle which has, in turn, divided a nation.

The Coronavirus pandemic, war, environmental catastrophes, etc. no match for Koolie Karen vs. The Halflings as families, friends, loved ones are being ripped apart, coming down on opposing sides as to who was in the right and who was in the wrong vis a vis the “bust up.”

Australia’s Number 9 news conducted a Facebook poll, yesterday (partake here) seeking comment from the public which further inflamed passions.

Many thought Parkinson was in the right as he had used a sheet of plastic for his sliding session thereby kind of preserving the integrity of the hill.

Others thought it was not the 2008 Pipeline Master’s place to stop semi-innocent fun n games as he has not been elected to the city council and had, in fact, inspired the joy.

Longtime pals refusing to speak with each other over differing views.

Husbands and wives considering divorce.

Kelly Slater yet to weigh in.

More as the story develops.

Russians, made moderately sad by ISA decision.

Russian surfers tell sport’s governing body to go to hell in strongly worded email following recent ban on competing, “Sport unites, does not discriminate, and cannot act as a tool of manipulation!”

“No athletes and officials from Russia will be invited to participate or attend ISA events until further notice."

What is history but one bloody thing after another?

It’s 2022 and we are still settling things by blowing each other to rags with the guns and bombs that serve the mega rich?

I sure wish we had a Swedish female special needs teenager to warn us that for the good of mankind, among other things, this is no way to behave.

And speaking of behaving, even though surfing has nothing to do with going to war against your brother man (unless you wanna go surf Snapper or maybe take longboard contests away from Joel Tudor), our beloved International Surfing association is locked in a shit fight with the Russian Surfing Federation.

Who’d a thunk it?

Firing the first salvo, the ISA is standing with Ukraine,

“No athletes and officials from Russia will be invited to participate or attend ISA events until further notice… will not consider staging any ISA events in Russia for the foreseeable future…The global surfing community is shocked and appalled by the awful act of aggression by Russia and Belarus’ role to facilitate their invasion of Ukraine…We are unequivocal in our views on this crisis and we stand in full solidarity with Ukraine and the Ukrainian people. This is a human tragedy that requires us all to take a strong stance and send a message that such violence will not be tolerated nor forgotten. The ISA’s decisions serve to ensure the safety of the public, athletes and officials, and protect the integrity of our competitions…We remain in contact with the Ukrainian Surfing Federation to offer support to the Ukrainian surf community and we hope peace is restored as quickly as possible”.

The RSF responded with its own defensive maneuver,

“Today, the Russian Surfing Federation held a meeting to discuss the position on the sanctions that all Russian athletes fell under due to the current political situation in the world. Following the Russian Olympic Committee and in support of our talented athletes, we want to note that sport cannot be politicized; sport unites, does not discriminate, and cannot act as a tool of manipulation; the exclusion of Russian athletes from international competitions is illegal and contrary to Olympic principles. For our part, we will immediately send our application to the International Surfing Federation and the European Surfing Federation in order to protect the rights of our athletes to participate in international competitions and take all possible measures to stop discrimination”.

And there you have it, the power of strongly worded emails.


Why don’t we just send in the businessmen that caused all this and have them hash it out?

Personally, I like that idea. Like the Russian-black-market-Levi’s-501-Jeans seller billionaire who just offered a million bucks to anyone that would go and arrest Putin.

Or maybe just take Putin to the Maldives and teach him how to surf?

But for God’s sake, please, keep him away from the Goldie. I can already sea Rabbit standing if front of the Russian tanks at the Kirra gazebo.

And we need Rabbit alot more than that Russian bloke.

Stunning new angle shows moment champion surfer Joel Parkinson shoves semi-adult TikToker to the ground for back-sassing after being told to not enjoy mud slide!

Raging bull.

The saga currently gripping Australia’s Gold Coast has taken yet another unforeseen turn as complete footage of “The Incident” has been released to the general public featuring the exact moment champion surfer Joel Parkinson shoves a semi-adult TikToker to the ground.

Only those living under a rock will be unaware that, days ago, Parkinson approached a group of prepubescent twenty-five-year-olds enjoying a mud slide and told them to knock it off. They appeared to back-sass kicking off a wild pell-mell where it was alleged that the Billabong star knocked a camera into the muck. Then, yesterday, news footage came to light that appeared to color the 2012 Association of Professional Surfing tour winner in a hypocritical light as he, himself, had partaken in the mud sliding earlier.

Well, in the new angle, Parkinson’s frustration is on stark display, a raging bull snorting, pawing the ground, charging at various older youngsters. Was he angry that they were dropping into his secret spot? Frustrated by the clear lack of testosterone hanging in Coolangatta’s mist?

Examine every frame here.