Parko (pictured) storming.
Parko (pictured) storming.

Champion surfer Joel Parkinson at center of wild Gold Coast pell-mell involving mud sliding, TikTok, ageism and alleged hand-to-hand combat!

Extreme drama.

Joel Parkinson, longtime fixture on the Association of Surfing Professionals’ Championship Tour, was best known for his effortlessly stylish approach to wave dancing. His smooth, born and bred on Australia’s Gold Coast, won him many admirers that reminisce together to this very day and also, once, a slap from a bodyboarder though that may have had more to do with something else.

The 2012 champion was recently spotted helping ferry flood victims to safety on a sled while his wife’s car was being stolen.

No good deed going unpunished etc.

Well, Parkinson had an opportunity, yesterday, to release some pent up anger at a gaggle of… not kids but not adults either… who were enjoying a mudslide.

The pell-mell, mostly caught on camera and posted to various social medias, was titled “This guy tried to bash us for going down a mudslide in the Gold Coast” and included the caption:

This is @joelparko ex professional surfer . Picking on young people trying to have some fun in hard times. Actually getting violent towards them. @wsl. Who do you think you are? we have all seen videos of you and your idiot mates running amok when you were younger. Why don’t you grow up, you want respect? You have to give it to earn it ..@ripcurl_aus

I do believe the insult “you smell like an old man’s fart,” or some variation, is used in the melee but there are, likely, many more so best to watch with a pen and paper in order to capture.

Back to the “young people,” though. Would you call the sliders “young?” I’m having a real tough time categorizing them. Help?

But, most importantly, where do you fall? #TeamParko or #TeamSlide?

Australia’s Great White crisis and the anti-human agenda of environmentalism, “The bravery of two boys who paddled toward a friend who’d been hit by a Great White had more to do with nature than any worldview contrived by eco-feminists!”

Academics have found status in a system that rewards a political agenda. Their fantasies would evaporate if they had to deal with reality.

Politics never interested me until a spate of shark attacks occurred at my local Ballina beach next to the rivermouth in 2015 and 2016.

Two of these attacks took place while I was surfing, one right in front of me. Over a period of two years, twelve shark attacks occurred along a 70 kilometre stretch of coast, eight within ten kilometres of Ballina, four within a kilometre of the river mouth. Two of the attacks were fatal.

Needless to say, the surfing community was traumatised, but so too was the community at large. The ominous sounds of ambulances and helicopters haunted the coastal strip, as journalists and film crews kept the story in the headlines.

Just like the pandemic, we spent two years talking about nothing else. It was difficult to continue surfing. But, with so few people braving the ocean, it was hard to resist the temptation.

A sense of camaraderie developed among the local surfers, partly because we were having so much fun surfing uncrowded waves, and partly because any one of us might suddenly need help getting to shore.

As far as I know, I was the only one using a costly and cumbersome electrical device mounted on my board to deter sharks. Others painted their boards with stripes to look like venomous sea snakes. While most surfed without any form of deterrent, everyone stuck together, feeling safer in numbers.

A team of scientists has predicted that the rate of shark attacks in Australia will continue to increase over the next two decades, before gradually declining to the same rate as today by the year 2066.

When I asked the lead author, Corey Bradshaw, why he anticipates human-shark interactions to follow this pattern, he replied: “It’s in the paper – long-term fluctuations of climate patterns in the ocean. Exact mechanism? Unsure.”

So, I tried again.

“Thanks. But, if you cannot identify the exact mechanism, then how could you be confident that your modelling reflects reality? I don’t doubt the gradual increase depicted over the next decade, since both populations are increasing. But, why wouldn’t it continue rising indefinitely? It seems unlikely that the rate of attacks would decline, as you predict.”

The conversation ended there. He is a busy man, with a tremendous vision for humanity.

In another recent paper, he proposes a “systemic change in the way humanity functions and interacts with nature”, including “major reductions in meat consumption”.

According to his modelling, about 1,800 people could fall victim to shark attack in Australia over the next 45 years. But, if his hypothesis is incorrect and the rate of attacks continues to rise at the current rate, there will be an additional 800 victims. This means the number of attacks in 2066 will be more than double his prediction for that year.

How many tragedies have to occur before someone in power finally says enough is enough? The government body tasked with reducing the rate of shark attacks has deployed a suite of measures, which is elaborate and costly, but does little to solve the problem. As far as they are concerned, reducing the population of sharks is not an option.

You really have to wonder if they care more about sharks than people. If that is the case, then the problem is the anti-human agenda of environmentalism.

Despite being a world-renowned ethicist, whose seminal work inspired the animal rights movement, Peter Singer has somehow managed to avoid the shark debate raging in his home country, not even appearing at a Senate inquiry into the problem. This is the guy who spent his whole life rationalising values to suit the greater good, only to change his mind when faced with the uncomfortable decision of his mother’s passing, finally conceding that “Perhaps it is more difficult than I thought before, because it is different when it’s your mother.”

I guess that is the problem with many intellectuals. Enamoured by the rational mind, they lose touch with their humanity.

This problem is also evident among surfing academics, whose devotion to nature provides a convenient distraction from the messy business of real life. For example, Rebecca Olive views the risk of shark attack through the prism of eco-feminism, which she explains “questions the assumed authority of humans over … all the non-human elements that make up the worlds we live in”. She confesses to being afraid of sharks, but reckons feeling vulnerable evokes a profound sense of communion with nature.

When I saw two young surfers paddle straight up to their friend after he had been attacked by a shark, it occurred to me that men have been protecting each other like that since the dawn of time.

The bravery exhibited by those boys had more to do with nature than any worldview contrived by eco-feminists. It is in man’s nature to protect the clan.

These academics have found status in a system that rewards a political agenda and punishes opposition.

They rarely face any pushback.

Their self-indulgent fantasies would evaporate if they had to deal with reality.

How many privileges do they take for granted?

It is despicable that the most privileged people to have ever lived are so hell-bent on destroying the very culture that supports them.

But, they have been programmed to think in a certain way, which not only subordinates the individual to the group, but humanity to the environment.

They are the “useful idiots” carrying the Trojan Horse of socialism disguised as identity politics and environmentalism.

What do you imagine is punishment for board shooting in this day and age?

In ragged exchange, professional surfer nearly becomes decapitated after using priority in qualifying series contest: “Was having a really fun round 1 heat in the last event before this happened.”

Danger bay.

Any true fan of our great surfing game knows that it is not oft bloody. Oh certainly feelings have been hurt in the water. Sometimes an aggrieved professional will splash, lightly, in another professional’s direction as a show of bubbling discontent. Sometimes shoulders will be shrugged toward judging towers but fists are rarely thrown, boards even rarer but let us travel to the Dominican Republic where the Cabarete Pro has just finished which happens to be a World Qualifying Series 1000 which also happens to feature wanton violence.

Per professional surfer Levi Slawson was out in the water, enjoying a heat one lead complete with priority when…

Was having a really fun round 1 heat in the last event before this happened. I had first priority and I took this wave from him at the end of the heat, I guess this was his reaction… he said it was an “accident” @magnopachecoo to think what would have happened if ur fins actually hit me (mind blown emoji) so glad to be ok! Time to move onto the next event! Feel free to repost. Thank you to @wsl @wsl.qs for taking quick action on this!!

Magno Pacheco, the tagged surfer, is from Brazil.

Slawson hails from the United States.

But what do you imagine is punishment for board shooting in this day and age?

A wrist slap?

Forcing to share a bunk with Joe Turpel?


Two men, roughly the same age, vastly different worldviews.

World’s greatest athlete Kelly Slater launches personal fusillade at Australian prime minister over inaction during calamitous flooding, “Nothing sort of appalling”

"Scott Morrison is actually the biggest joke in Australian history."

The world’s greatest athlete and current world #2 surfer Kelly Slater has slammed the Australian prime minister Scott Morrison for his government’s dreadful inaction, a trademark of his administration, during calamitous flooding on the country’s north-east coast.

Morrison, who is a fifty-three-year-old  former child actor (tellingly, he played cunning pickpocket, the Artful Dodger in Oliver), is famous for holidaying in Hawaii while Australian burned during the cataclysmic bushfires of 2109.

“I don’t hold a hose, mate,” Morrison explained of his vacay during a disaster that killed almost five hundred and incinerated eighty million acres of land.

While posting messages from fans about the flooding, Slater wrote, “The lack of federal assistance in the flood zones in northern NSW has been nothing short of appalling. The stories from friends are hard to comprehend. But the gathering of local communities has been inspiring to watch from afar. So while the MP @scottmorrisonmp and cohorts pat themselves on the back or poke fun at people who ‘live in the gum trees’, the communities will continue to get on with the tasks at hand in helping their neighbors. 

Twitter and Instagram users were mostly universal in their praise of Slater’s pointed criticism.

“The greatest surfer of all time has just fly kicked the worst Prime Minster of all time,” wrote one,

although another fired back with,

“Kelly Slater is NOT the best ‘surfer’ in history … don’t you people have access to books?”


If not Kelly, who?

One-time prince of Malibu, foil of Miki Dora and inspiration to VAL surfer icon Jonah Hill, dies suddenly, “A pointbreak genius with lightning-fast feet and a wicked grin!”

"If he'd hit his wave-riding peak in 2022 instead of 1965, he'd be the hottest thing in America surfing."

Johnny Fain of Malibu died yesterday at age 78.

A pointbreak genius with lightning-fast feet and a wicked grin, Fain famously dueled in and out of the water with Miki Dora in the early- and mid-’60s—it was a show they put on, and it was a great one, except that it left Fain in Dora’s shadow, which was unfair to Johnny.

He was thought of by some as a blowhard, but from here it all looks like grand beach theater, and if Fain hit his wave-riding peak in 2022 instead of 1965, he’d be the hottest thing in America surfing.

“Even though I was the youngest surfer at Malibu [around 1958], I kept up with the older guys. That was the challenge. That’s what helped my drive. I knew if I didn’t keep up, I was gone. Later on, I got a Panama hat, and that was a big deal. If you had a certain ranking in the Pit, you were allowed to wear a Panama hat and stripes on your trunks. It was like being a commander with bars on your shoulders. The hat and the stripes were people’s way of knowing you were somebody without knowing your name. Then they got to know your name real quick. Rank and file.⠀

“I was lucky because I had plenty of time to surf. My mother [Jeanne Bartlett] was a professional writer—she wrote the screenplay for Son of Lassie, the film that made Peter Lawford a star. My dad owned and operated Malibu TV. The chores I had at home were minimal. That helped me tremendously. While most kids were out doing their paper route or some other odd job, I was in the water advancing to new heights. I remember thinking of the Indy 500 while I surfed, I’m passing people in my Formula One race car, pitting myself against the wave, pushing myself to the limit. I wanted to see how far I could go to defy the force of gravity. Only the equipment was holding me back.”⠀

 RIP to a true original. ⠀