“They did CPR on him for 20 minutes and then put a sheet over him… he seemed very dead.”

Five days ago, a man in his forties was pulled unconscious from “shockingly cold” water by other surfers at URBNSURF, Australia’s only commercially operating wavepool. 

A statement from URBNSURF said they’d reviewed the footage which showed “the surfer collapsed while paddling out and did not the hit the wall”. 

The man was taken to the Royal Melbourne Hospital in a critical condition. No update since. 

A surfer who was in the lineup when the incident happened says the man “didn’t make the drop on a wave and just kind of tumbled and then all I saw was him floating but that was a little bit after…it took some time for people to get to him. It was weird. They did CPR on him for twenty minutes and then put a sheet over him and we all assumed the worst. Then the news says he’s in a critical condition in hospital and that’s it. Have heard nothing since. Not even a call from Urbnsurf. Just seems very odd. He seemed very dead as awful as that sounds.

The water, even this early in winter, was “shockingly cold,”he says. “I felt like I had a heart attack when I went under.” 

The worst part, he says, is not knowing what happened to the man.

“Poor guy. Wish we had some clarity. It was a pretty traumatic experience.”

Surfers were offered counselling and given credit for the value of surf sessions missed or interrupted, the credit redeemed via a promo code. 

Money, money, money, money.

Yesterday, we discovered together a new heretofore unforeseen way for us, as surfers, to make money. Ties. Smart but, I suppose, we are also late as the market has already been cornered by an entrepreneurial father/son. So what now? Thankfully the universe lent an ear to our troubles and has provided a way forward.

Betting.

Bookmakers.com has just announced odds on the “world’s 30 hardest sporting feats.” Skiing the North Pole swings in at 500,000/1, landing a hole-in-one in golf at 12,500/1, bowling a perfect game 8,000/1 and surfing an 80 ft. wave 10,000/1.

Per the press release:

The debate over just which sporting feat is the most difficult has raged for decades, as sports fans everywhere have struggled to really put to bed this age-old question.

The sporting experts at Bookmakers.com, however, have gotten together and crunched the numbers to work out the odds for which sporting feat is really the most difficult, and which, if any, have been greatly exaggerated. The balance, coordination, bravery, and sheer stamina required to surf competitively are no secret, but it is only the 1% of the 1% that will ever achieve the feat of surfing a wave the length of the White House.

So, next time you’re out with your pals and this debate flares up again, or debating with the family around the dinner table, it’s best to keep this list close to hand, so you can finally put an end to the arguing with some cold, hard facts and let the data do the talking.

Sebastian Steudnter has, just last month, been given the Guinness World Record for “Largest Wave Ever Ridden” at 86 some odd feet or 42.3 German Male Lower Legs. Now, I can’t imagine bookies will allow us to retroactively claim those 10,000/1 odds but I’d have to think that this coming winter, the record will certainly be broken or at least challenged.

10,000/1.

That’s $100,000 for $100. $1,000,000 for $1,000.

With inflation the way she is, that’ll be enough to feed your family for a week or maybe five days.

Find a bookie quick!

"It’s a perfect fit for missionaries!"

We, each of us here, have likely had an idea pop into head, at one point or another, that seemed a genius money-making scheme. Some spark that felt instantaneously unique and wonderful. Very few, though, have likely taken any steps to activate and there it died on the vine. Or maybe flowed to China where it became produced on the cheap without our participation. I have a friend who once told me “any time a plan is spoken but not realized it enters the ‘river of ideas’ that heads straight to China.”

Makes sense but that fate, thankfully, did not befall Gregg Greer and his son Zeke. The two live in Utah and recently brought their dream to life but let us turn to the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-Day Saints organ Deseret News to learn more and celebrate American success.

Picture this, a father and son on a beach in Hawaii, taking a break from a surf session, swinging in their hammocks, noodling about a business they could start together.

This wasn’t the first time they’d done this. For years, Gregg Greer and his youngest son Zeke had been tossing ideas around. It had become their hobby, trying to envision something nobody thought of until they thought of it; looking for their Steve Jobs moment.

Since action sports is their thing — surfing, snowboarding, skating, anything in the mountains — the ideal for them was to find a way to mix business with pleasure; figure out something they could sell connected to what they love.

They’d run through all the usual outdoor gear retail suspects: hats, shirts, shorts, shoes and so forth and come up empty. At one point they thought about a dating site for action sports participants. They went so far as to pay for a domain name: shreddersonly.com. But after that the idea more or less fell off a cliff. What did they know about online dating?

Lounging in the hammocks in the summer of 2017, they were back to square one.

Then, suddenly, they had it.

Neckties.

Boom.

The ties are made from technical boardshort material and sell under the name Bombora. The inspiration was, of course, socks as the two saw the explosion of Stance in their Mormon pews. Elders wearing colorful foot coverings under pressed black slacks or maybe pressed khaki slacks. The two, anyhow, went to work and soon possessed the must-have church accessory of the year. “It’s a perfect fit for missionaries,” Gregg told Deseret News. “You can bend it, scrunch it, throw it in the back of your car and drive around for a month and put it on and it looks the same.”

Covid severely disrupted the production but Bombora survived and now you, too, can buy here.

Success.

"It's not the average person on the street who’s holding onto the cash. And that’s where the inequality is, between the rich and the poor.” 

Without wishing to blow his trumpet immoderately, I think it can safely be claimed that the 1988 world champion surfer, former anarchist, butterfly collector and pro surfing commentator, Barton Lynch, is a well-matured and rounded individual. 

Although warmed slightly by age, for he is fifty-seven years old, Barton will occasionally open up a front if he feels his electrons shuddering.

Yesterday, social media fans in their thousands thrilled to his new-look beard, and today, the same fans were gifted Barton’s reboot of Karl Marx’s seminal anti-capitalist tract Das Kapital. 

In hindsight, the beard was less Californian mountain man and more nineteenth century German philosopher and political theorist.

Marx’s central thesis, of course, was that capitalism is motivated by the exploitation of labour, ie the worker; that the owners of capital are protected by governments so they can do whatever they hell they want to the worker and the result is you end up with “poverty in the midst of plenty.” 

Ring any bells? 

Yeah, well, Barton took to Instagram earlier today to modernise Marx’s themes now that we’ve all climbed down the rabbit hole of equality and equality of outcome, along with the usual disparity of wealth. 

In a two-part missive Barton says, 

“I love the idea of equality, I’m all about it, and I’ve often said there has to be a redistribution of wealth to create a base of equality so that things can move on from that place and if you think about this current moment that we’re in, there’s a lot of talk about equality and there’s equality in some language and in some other areas but when we talk about financial equality or opportunity it would seem that in the pandemic the money has gone up! The money hasn’t come down! 

“And in any redistribution of wealth for the future of the planet the money’s gotta come down from where it is already, up. And with those that have it, corporations, individuals, families. Where that wealth is concentrated, they’re the ones that have to let go, and give some of that wealth back to the others to create a base of equality that the world can move on from. 

“Because it’s not the average person on the street who’s harbouring and holding onto the cash, you know what I mean? And that’s where the inequality is, between the rich and the poor.” 

Personally, I find the poor offensive and the sooner they’re sent to distant camps or mines the better.

Each to their own etc.

 

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