"You see Fishos?"
"You see Fishos?"

After promising “transmission will resume shortly,” Australia’s troublingly voyeuristic surf forecaster Swellnet dealt heavy blow, told naughty cameras must be kept turned off!

No peeping.

One month ago, almost to the day, Australia’s answer to Surfline, called Swellnet, received an ultra-embarrassing slap from officials and told to remove “naughty” surf cameras that it had illegally erected in order to gaze upon formerly nude stretches of coast along proud Victoria including, but not limited to, Fisherman’s Beach.

Australians were shocked by this invasion of their privacy (pronounced with a short i) but Swellnet remained undeterred with the company’s editor, Stu Nettle, telling BeachGrit, exclusively, “For the record: The Fishos camera has consent. A contract was signed in 2020. Almost every social media post about it has been incorrect, most particularly the administrator of the Respect Bells Beach FB page who’s been citing clauses in legislation that simply don’t exist. We’re currently going through correct channels to clarify our position. Normal transmission will resume shortly. Embarrassment? Nah, but not realising your Australian biz partner wanted BeachGrit to partner up with Swellnet might cut it. For the record, we said no.”

The revenge porn about a possible ménage à trois nipped before it could beautifully blossom aside, the Surf Coast Times is just now reporting that “normal transmission” is not, in fact, resuming soon and may not resume for some time.

The Department of Environment, Land, Water and Planning (DELWP) recently confirmed it has not given consent for any of the dozens of surf cameras in Victoria, despite it being a requirement under the Marine and Coastal Act.

The act only applies to cameras installed on Crown land, including at surf lifesaving clubs, and falls to local land managers such as GORCAPA to oversee.“We are continuing to work with lease holders to raise awareness of our CCTV policy and leaseholder obligations,” GORCAPA operations director Daniel Aitken said. “Where we identify cameras that have not received our approval, they will be decommissioned. If leaseholders wish to continue operating cameras, we will assess them against our policy.”

If Swellnet hopes to keep the peeping eyes functioning, Nettle and co. will have to go and seek approval under the Marine and Coastal Act, though the Great Ocean Road Coast and Parks Authority (GORCAPA) frowns upon “commercial use in which the footage is sold or given to a third party and indiscriminate live broadcasting without a specific time-limited permit” which seems to counter the very idea of wave-based voyeurism.

How will Swellnet react?

More vigorous defense of its kink or quietly shuffling off to the darker corners?

Exciting days.

Slater, an eleven-time champion, with Gabriel Medina, twenty-two years his junior. | Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms

The New York Times makes historic blunder snubbing greatest athlete of all time Kelly Slater in story about stars who refuse to retire, “When Will Federer and the Williams Sisters Call It Quits? Maybe Never”

Anti-semite, anti-Indian, anti-white, anti-Slater?

Despite its recent shift to narrative over facts, from old grey lady to wounded millennial, it was still a surprise this morning to discover the New York Times had left fifty-year-old Kelly Slater out of a story on sports stars who refuse to quit. 

We find Venus Williams, who is forty, “grinding against a competitor a little more than half her age for more than three hours at Wimbledon” and big sis Venus, with “not so much spring in her step at age 42.”

There is Roger Federer, forty-one, Rafael Nadal, thirty-six, Tom Brady, forty-four and Tiger Woods, forty-six. 

“Why is it so hard, with their best years behind them, to leave the stage and kick back with their millions? And it’s not just tennis. Tiger Woods, with an estimated net worth of $1 billion, is struggling to come back from devastating leg injuries at 46. Tom Brady can’t stay away from football. Regular working people go through life believing that retirement is the endgame. Not so with professional athletes.” 

One week before his fiftieth birthday, and thirty years after his first win at Pipeline, Slater waltzed through the pack to win this year’s Billabong Pro Pipeline, and take the number one slot in the world tour rankings. 

Between sobs Slater said, “I committed my life to this.”

It isn’t the first time the Times has made an historic blunder. 

Over the course of World War II the Times shunted stories about Nazi death camps into the back pages, its Jewish owner, the anti-Zionist Arty Sulzberger believing European Jews were “responsible for their own demise in the Holocaust.”

Lately, editorialising around the Duke University lacrosse case and the furore over historical inaccuracies in the 1619 Project has dulled the titan’s once untarnishable rep to the dullest sheen. 

Filipe Toledo as art (pictured).
Filipe Toledo as art (pictured).

“King of Saquarema” Filipe Toledo permanently etches professional surf dominance into skin after stunning third Oi Rio Pro victory!

Living art.

Tattoos are as fine a way as any to mark moments in time. I, myself, have many including, but not limited to, an Elvis Presley “TCB in a flash” logo replete with stars representing the important personalities in the Memphis Mafia, the flag of Yemen, a surfing snowman and a black panther climbing a rather tricky cliff during an apparent lightning storm but none come close to Filipe Toledo’s latest.

The current world number one just went under the needle in order to document his utter dominance over the Oi Rio Pro which, for the past handful of years, is contested at a picturesque municipality some two hours from the aforementioned Rio de Janeiro.

The artwork, featuring the town, some palm trees, a gaping barrel and the years 2018, 2019 and 2022, was applied to Toledo’s lower calf by a competent artist and has room to add more years below in the almost certain case that he wins more.

The Kelly Slater of Saquarema.

Inspirational but back to you.

What tattoos do you have that make you very proud?

Sharing time.

Shakira (pictured) healing heart.
Shakira (pictured) healing heart.

Online sleuths stymied as identity of newly single songstress Shakira’s hunky surf instructor remains shrouded in mystery!

"Pique is suffering..."

Shakira, who just so happens to be the best-selling Latin artist of all-time, was recently thrust into headlines as it was revealed that her 11-year romance with soccer stud Girard Pique had come undone. While most would have hidden away, bathing in misery, the hips don’t lie songstress, instead, took a surf vacation to northern Spain allowing the therapeutic properties of ocean waves to wash away anguish.

And it was there, on that adventure, that an absolute hunk entered the scene, meeting Shakira in the lineup and helping smooth her frontside flow, plastering a smile across her famous face.

It was later revealed that he was a surf instructor with fans swooning, glowing. Might their favorite chanteuse find love in the exact same way as King of Malibu Jonah Hill?

You certainly recall the joys Hill has expressed since falling for his own surf instructor.

Well, try as online sleuths might, Shakira’s surf instructor identity remains shrouded in mystery. Might he be a Barcelona football fan and not wanting to mess with the club that Girard Pique anchor’s flow ahead of the new season?

Potentially, but also equally likely that he is a Real Madrid supporter and timing his reveal for maximum disruption of blaugrana.

“Pique is suffering,” Barcelona’s president Joan Laporta told Marca Sport. “No matter how much money and fame he has, they are people. He is a captain and he still has a lot to give us.”


But let’s pretend, quickly, that you follow “football.” Who is your team? If I examine the recesses of my heart, I suppose I pull for Juventus but really only because their colorway is the same as my beloved Collingwood.

Go Pies.

Lights, camera, action!
Lights, camera, action!

New York lifeguard playing role of victim during training exercise barbarously mauled by shark thus providing cinematic realism to drill!

“We have never had an incident like this occur. Hopefully we never will again.”

Today is the 4th of July, in America, and at time of writing the World Surf League has foregone any patriotic social messaging following the city of Orlando, Florida and its own team of commentators and senior vice presidents in rejecting the increasingly toxic holiday. Are you going to celebrate freedom or picket your local post office?

Elsewhere, very near New York, a lifeguard was playing the role of “victim” for a drill when he was barbarously mauled by a shark. Per the USA Today report:

Suffolk County authorities said the attack took place about 10:15 a.m. Sunday while a Smith Point Beach lifeguard had been playing the role of a victim during a training exercise.

Suffolk County Executive Steve Bellone said the shark, estimated to be 4-to 5-feet-long shark, bit the lifeguard in the chest and on the hand.

The shark’s species was not immediately known and the lifeguard was expected to recover.

After the attack, Bellone said, the lifeguard received immediate treatment from other officials already engaged in the training. He was then taken to a hospital to be treated for his injuries.

The lifeguard, s a 10-year veteran with the county, was in “very good spirits,” Bellone said.

“If you’re going to have an encounter with a shark this is probably the best scenario you could have,” Bellone said. “We have never had an incident like this occur. Hopefully we never will again.”

Cinematic realism.