No peeping.

One month ago, almost to the day, Australia’s answer to Surfline, called Swellnet, received an ultra-embarrassing slap from officials and told to remove “naughty” surf cameras that it had illegally erected in order to gaze upon formerly nude stretches of coast along proud Victoria including, but not limited to, Fisherman’s Beach.

Australians were shocked by this invasion of their privacy (pronounced with a short i) but Swellnet remained undeterred with the company’s editor, Stu Nettle, telling BeachGrit, exclusively, “For the record: The Fishos camera has consent. A contract was signed in 2020. Almost every social media post about it has been incorrect, most particularly the administrator of the Respect Bells Beach FB page who’s been citing clauses in legislation that simply don’t exist. We’re currently going through correct channels to clarify our position. Normal transmission will resume shortly. Embarrassment? Nah, but not realising your Australian biz partner wanted BeachGrit to partner up with Swellnet might cut it. For the record, we said no.”

The revenge porn about a possible ménage à trois nipped before it could beautifully blossom aside, the Surf Coast Times is just now reporting that “normal transmission” is not, in fact, resuming soon and may not resume for some time.

The Department of Environment, Land, Water and Planning (DELWP) recently confirmed it has not given consent for any of the dozens of surf cameras in Victoria, despite it being a requirement under the Marine and Coastal Act.

The act only applies to cameras installed on Crown land, including at surf lifesaving clubs, and falls to local land managers such as GORCAPA to oversee.“We are continuing to work with lease holders to raise awareness of our CCTV policy and leaseholder obligations,” GORCAPA operations director Daniel Aitken said. “Where we identify cameras that have not received our approval, they will be decommissioned. If leaseholders wish to continue operating cameras, we will assess them against our policy.”

If Swellnet hopes to keep the peeping eyes functioning, Nettle and co. will have to go and seek approval under the Marine and Coastal Act, though the Great Ocean Road Coast and Parks Authority (GORCAPA) frowns upon “commercial use in which the footage is sold or given to a third party and indiscriminate live broadcasting without a specific time-limited permit” which seems to counter the very idea of wave-based voyeurism.

How will Swellnet react?

More vigorous defense of its kink or quietly shuffling off to the darker corners?

Exciting days.

"Pique is suffering..."

Shakira, who just so happens to be the best-selling Latin artist of all-time, was recently thrust into headlines as it was revealed that her 11-year romance with soccer stud Girard Pique had come undone. While most would have hidden away, bathing in misery, the hips don’t lie songstress, instead, took a surf vacation to northern Spain allowing the therapeutic properties of ocean waves to wash away anguish.

And it was there, on that adventure, that an absolute hunk entered the scene, meeting Shakira in the lineup and helping smooth her frontside flow, plastering a smile across her famous face.

It was later revealed that he was a surf instructor with fans swooning, glowing. Might their favorite chanteuse find love in the exact same way as King of Malibu Jonah Hill?

You certainly recall the joys Hill has expressed since falling for his own surf instructor.

Well, try as online sleuths might, Shakira’s surf instructor identity remains shrouded in mystery. Might he be a Barcelona football fan and not wanting to mess with the club that Girard Pique anchor’s flow ahead of the new season?

Potentially, but also equally likely that he is a Real Madrid supporter and timing his reveal for maximum disruption of blaugrana.

“Pique is suffering,” Barcelona’s president Joan Laporta told Marca Sport. “No matter how much money and fame he has, they are people. He is a captain and he still has a lot to give us.”

Sad.

But let’s pretend, quickly, that you follow “football.” Who is your team? If I examine the recesses of my heart, I suppose I pull for Juventus but really only because their colorway is the same as my beloved Collingwood.

Go Pies.

“We have never had an incident like this occur. Hopefully we never will again.”

Today is the 4th of July, in America, and at time of writing the World Surf League has foregone any patriotic social messaging following the city of Orlando, Florida and its own team of commentators and senior vice presidents in rejecting the increasingly toxic holiday. Are you going to celebrate freedom or picket your local post office?

Elsewhere, very near New York, a lifeguard was playing the role of “victim” for a drill when he was barbarously mauled by a shark. Per the USA Today report:

Suffolk County authorities said the attack took place about 10:15 a.m. Sunday while a Smith Point Beach lifeguard had been playing the role of a victim during a training exercise.

Suffolk County Executive Steve Bellone said the shark, estimated to be 4-to 5-feet-long shark, bit the lifeguard in the chest and on the hand.

The shark’s species was not immediately known and the lifeguard was expected to recover.

After the attack, Bellone said, the lifeguard received immediate treatment from other officials already engaged in the training. He was then taken to a hospital to be treated for his injuries.

The lifeguard, s a 10-year veteran with the county, was in “very good spirits,” Bellone said.

“If you’re going to have an encounter with a shark this is probably the best scenario you could have,” Bellone said. “We have never had an incident like this occur. Hopefully we never will again.”

Cinematic realism.