The smile only a surf instructor can bring (courtesy Instagram).
The smile only a surf instructor can bring (courtesy Instagram).

Breaking: In stunning turn, Shakira’s mystery hunk on therapeutic surf vacation turns out to be a surf instructor as “best-selling female Latin artist of all-time” follows in Malibu icon Jonah Hill’s sandal’d footsteps!

Chas Smith

By

Old Enough.

Shakira, the Colombian hitmaker who holds the title of “best-selling female Latin artist of all-time,” has captivated international attention as it was revealed that her 11-year partnership with Spanish football (soccer) stud Gerard Pique has come undone. While many, or most, would cower under a down duvet, eating affogatos and binge-watching Old Enough, the singer-songwriter has proven better and booked a surf vacation to northern Spain.

While maybe not “ideal” in terms of “surf quality,” Shakira has seemed happy in the knee-to-waist high runners (Surfline: 8 – 12ft) and particularly so when a mystery hunk approached her in the lineup and helped smooth her frontside flow.

The internet community wondered, for days, who he might be but new information has just come to light that he is, in fact, a surf instructor.

According to Marca Magazine:

As far as we know, this information is still unknown due to how fresh these images are but you can be sure his identity will emerge soon enough. Shakira does seem quite relaxed while taking her lessons, she needed a break after such a hectic schedule in the United States. With so much going on for her career right now, the separation drama with Gerard Pique has almost taken a back seat for her.

There are far more important things to deal with for Shakira at the moment. But the fans who want to see her happy and find love again can’t help checking up on her every once in a while. Shakira is currently one of the most researched celebrities online. They have tried to pair her up with the likes of Henry Cavill and Chris Evans but none of those options are real.

Malibu icon Jonah Hill, though, would tell her to look no further than the surf instructor. As you know, the heir to Miki Dora’s throne has made happy with his own surf instructor and I’m almost certain would recommend, Henry Cavill and Chris Evans be damned.

But have you ever had a fling with a brawny, handsome surf instructor of your own?

Care to share?

#OneLove.

Also, even if your heart is whole and full you should totally watch Old Enough.

A gift.

Saint Barton in repose.
Saint Barton in repose.

Papa Barton Lynch trains unfiltered laser beams of light and love on supporters in wake of shocking World Surf League banishment!

Chas Smith

By

The Wall of Positive Noise sustains severe damage.

The war between the World Surf League and its most popular commentator, Papa Barton Lynch, took a wild turn this morning, one that I did not see coming. Days ago, you remember, Lynch, who has spent much of the past two years in the booth explaining competitive professional surfing better than the rest of the WSL team combined, was told, by the League, that “his services were no longer needed.”

The 1987 World Champion had every right to be confused, furious, as he is the most popular single item in the World Surf League’s arsenal but took his dismissal with a wonderful, beatific grace and simply explained to his many fans that they would not be seeing him on the broadcast anymore.

Such was the outpouring of affection that Lynch, once again, took to social media this time saying, “Hello guys, I just wanted to do a sincere and heartfelt thank you from me to you, to all of you guys. You know I had over 900 comments on the post regarding my commentary position and… you know there was one bloke who was stoked I was gone which gave me a laugh but, overwhelmingly, there were a few Santas in there too, actually by the way, a few beard comments but overwhelming support and love and respect given to me from you and it makes me so grateful, you know, for this community that we have here on Instagram. You hear people talk about social media, social media… I say thank God for it eh? I love it! I love the fact that we get to connect. I love the fact that we get to communicate with each other, create community on here and that to me is everything. So, you guys are the best. Thanks for all the support and love. Talk soon.”

Are your eyes still dry?

Impossible for them to be, unless you are some sort of bot and/or Joe Turpel and I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined that what might just might bring down the World Surf League and its Wall of Positive Noise is a positivity so pure, so innocent, that it could pierce the shallowest of dumbs.

Like sucking on a stick of sugar cane after being forced to spoon down high fructose corn syrup in the hot hot sun.

Barton Lynch 2.

World Surf League 0.

Kaitlin (pictured) headed for a bummer.
Kaitlin (pictured) headed for a bummer.

Fugitive Texas real-estate agent-cum-yoga teacher who allegedly shot, killed elite cyclist for sleeping with boyfriend apprehended while taking surf-yoga classes in Costa Rica!

Chas Smith

By

Extreme The Inertia.

Now, I cannot imagine many things worse than surf-yoga. The form of that ancient Indian form of posture-based exercise, for those unaware, can be taken into the waters and practiced upon SUPs and a surf-yoga class in Costa Rica is where we, this morning, lay our scene. For it was there at Santa Teresa Beach in Provincia de Puntarenas that fugitive yoga teacher Kaitlin Armstrong was apprehended by authorities after she had escaped the net of justice in her home state of Texas.

Armstrong, you see, allegedly shot and killed an elite road cyclist for after allegedly finding out that she had allegedly slept with her boyfriend.

The auburn-hair’d 35-year-old fled to New York where she, allegedly, used a fake passport and light disguise (band-aid on nose) to sneak into Costa Rica.

Once there, Deputy U.S. Marshal Brandon Filla declared they “knew she trying to establish some kind of lifestyle” and snooped around various “lifestyle centers” before stumbling on surf-yoga.

Yuck.

She is now being flown back to the United States where she will be charged with murder and “unlawful flight to avoid prosecution.”

She should also be tried for surf-yoga.

Extreme The Inertia.

An abomination.

Kong, by Dan Merkel, circa mid-eighties.

Dirty Water: Gary “Kong” Elkerton on navigating life when the legend fades, “It’s not easy, it’s f#$ken hard, dude…Sunny, Shmoo, something clicked in their lives that left them feeling empty, they had nothing!”

Derek Rielly

By

"I know between 1985 and 1990 I was doing the best surfing on the planet. And that's what matters now… even as I hobble about in pain."

Today’s guest on Dirty Water brought a brutal, but beautiful, savagery to professional surfing.

His fav tee featured a skull and the slogan Kill Em All God Will Sort Em Out and he was the star of the Quiksilver ad If You Can’t Rock and Roll Don’t Fucken Come.

He’s a three-time runner up to the world title, two of ‘em in excruciatingly controversial circumstances, although he evened the ledger a little later in his career by winning three Masters world titles.

He was the King of Sunset, a Pipeline Master and had the extraordinary ability to gain fifteen pounds for added ballast during the Hawaiian season, then shred thirty prior to hitting the small wave events.

But as my old friend Rob Bain told me recently, as the legend fades, and real life starts to stare back at you it’s a challenge to navigate the autumn years in peaceful contentment.

Come and hang with Kong.

Surfing.
Surfing.

Heartbroken chanteuse Shakira’s therapeutic surf vacation takes stunning turn as mystery hunk approaches her in lineup, helps smooth frontside flow!

Chas Smith

By

The ocean giveth.

The world was spun into dizzying shock, days ago, when it was announced that Spanish football, or soccer, stud Girard Pique and the popular Colombian singer-songwriter Shakira were parting ways after 11 years of coupling. Fans, who had comforted themselves in the fairytale romance, immediately took to the streets openly wailing, shouting up to the heavens for answers.

While Pique has remained in Barcelona, allegedly practicing football, or soccer, and watching tennis Shakira has headed to Northern Spain in order to mend her heart thought the healing powers of surf.

Things seemed to be going well as cameramen, stationed on the beach, captured the chanteuse straddling a thick-railed red surfboard and smiling in the deep blue.

Therapeutic.

But yesterday, events took a stunning turn. There Shakira was again, straddling, smiling, but this time a mystery hunk approached and began speaking with her. Maybe sharing profound secrets of this surfing life for the very next wave she caught exhibited a smoothed out, enviably languid frontside style. Weight properly distributed. Stance ready for barrel or air.

Brazilian.

The goofy foot paddled back out to her new friend and the two continued to smile and converse, catch more waves, mend.

You must witness the entire scene here but could it be? The ocean not only providing soothing comfort but also a new man?

Who could he possibly be?

Tennis great Rafa Nadal (see above)?

Possibly.

Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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