Saint Barton in repose.
Saint Barton in repose.

Papa Barton Lynch trains unfiltered laser beams of light and love on supporters in wake of shocking World Surf League banishment!

The Wall of Positive Noise sustains severe damage.

The war between the World Surf League and its most popular commentator, Papa Barton Lynch, took a wild turn this morning, one that I did not see coming. Days ago, you remember, Lynch, who has spent much of the past two years in the booth explaining competitive professional surfing better than the rest of the WSL team combined, was told, by the League, that “his services were no longer needed.

The 1987 World Champion had every right to be confused, furious, as he is the most popular single item in the World Surf League’s arsenal but took his dismissal with a wonderful, beatific grace and simply explained to his many fans that they would not be seeing him on the broadcast anymore.

Such was the outpouring of affection that Lynch, once again, took to social media this time saying, “Hello guys, I just wanted to do a sincere and heartfelt thank you from me to you, to all of you guys. You know I had over 900 comments on the post regarding my commentary position and… you know there was one bloke who was stoked I was gone which gave me a laugh but, overwhelmingly, there were a few Santas in there too, actually by the way, a few beard comments but overwhelming support and love and respect given to me from you and it makes me so grateful, you know, for this community that we have here on Instagram. You hear people talk about social media, social media… I say thank God for it eh? I love it! I love the fact that we get to connect. I love the fact that we get to communicate with each other, create community on here and that to me is everything. So, you guys are the best. Thanks for all the support and love. Talk soon.”

Are your eyes still dry?

Impossible for them to be, unless you are some sort of bot and/or Joe Turpel and I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined that what might just might bring down the World Surf League and its Wall of Positive Noise is a positivity so pure, so innocent, that it could pierce the shallowest of dumbs.

Like sucking on a stick of sugar cane after being forced to spoon down high fructose corn syrup in the hot hot sun.

Barton Lynch 2.

World Surf League 0.

Kaitlin (pictured) headed for a bummer.
Kaitlin (pictured) headed for a bummer.

Fugitive Texas real-estate agent-cum-yoga teacher who allegedly shot, killed elite cyclist for sleeping with boyfriend apprehended while taking surf-yoga classes in Costa Rica!

Extreme The Inertia.

Now, I cannot imagine many things worse than surf-yoga. The form of that ancient Indian form of posture-based exercise, for those unaware, can be taken into the waters and practiced upon SUPs and a surf-yoga class in Costa Rica is where we, this morning, lay our scene. For it was there at Santa Teresa Beach in Provincia de Puntarenas that fugitive yoga teacher Kaitlin Armstrong was apprehended by authorities after she had escaped the net of justice in her home state of Texas.

Armstrong, you see, allegedly shot and killed an elite road cyclist for after allegedly finding out that she had allegedly slept with her boyfriend.

The auburn-hair’d 35-year-old fled to New York where she, allegedly, used a fake passport and light disguise (band-aid on nose) to sneak into Costa Rica.

Once there, Deputy U.S. Marshal Brandon Filla declared they “knew she trying to establish some kind of lifestyle” and snooped around various “lifestyle centers” before stumbling on surf-yoga.


She is now being flown back to the United States where she will be charged with murder and “unlawful flight to avoid prosecution.”

She should also be tried for surf-yoga.

Extreme The Inertia.

An abomination.

Kong, by Dan Merkel, circa mid-eighties.

Dirty Water: Gary “Kong” Elkerton on navigating life when the legend fades, “It’s not easy, it’s f#$ken hard, dude…Sunny, Shmoo, something clicked in their lives that left them feeling empty, they had nothing!”

"I know between 1985 and 1990 I was doing the best surfing on the planet. And that's what matters now… even as I hobble about in pain."

Today’s guest on Dirty Water brought a brutal, but beautiful, savagery to professional surfing.

His fav tee featured a skull and the slogan Kill Em All God Will Sort Em Out and he was the star of the Quiksilver ad If You Can’t Rock and Roll Don’t Fucken Come.

He’s a three-time runner up to the world title, two of ‘em in excruciatingly controversial circumstances, although he evened the ledger a little later in his career by winning three Masters world titles.

He was the King of Sunset, a Pipeline Master and had the extraordinary ability to gain fifteen pounds for added ballast during the Hawaiian season, then shred thirty prior to hitting the small wave events.

But as my old friend Rob Bain told me recently, as the legend fades, and real life starts to stare back at you it’s a challenge to navigate the autumn years in peaceful contentment.

Come and hang with Kong.


Heartbroken chanteuse Shakira’s therapeutic surf vacation takes stunning turn as mystery hunk approaches her in lineup, helps smooth frontside flow!

The ocean giveth.

The world was spun into dizzying shock, days ago, when it was announced that Spanish football, or soccer, stud Girard Pique and the popular Colombian singer-songwriter Shakira were parting ways after 11 years of coupling. Fans, who had comforted themselves in the fairytale romance, immediately took to the streets openly wailing, shouting up to the heavens for answers.

While Pique has remained in Barcelona, allegedly practicing football, or soccer, and watching tennis Shakira has headed to Northern Spain in order to mend her heart thought the healing powers of surf.

Things seemed to be going well as cameramen, stationed on the beach, captured the chanteuse straddling a thick-railed red surfboard and smiling in the deep blue.


But yesterday, events took a stunning turn. There Shakira was again, straddling, smiling, but this time a mystery hunk approached and began speaking with her. Maybe sharing profound secrets of this surfing life for the very next wave she caught exhibited a smoothed out, enviably languid frontside style. Weight properly distributed. Stance ready for barrel or air.


The goofy foot paddled back out to her new friend and the two continued to smile and converse, catch more waves, mend.

You must witness the entire scene here but could it be? The ocean not only providing soothing comfort but also a new man?

Who could he possibly be?

Tennis great Rafa Nadal (see above)?


New York Times investigation reveals co-founder of RVCA and minor celebrity in “election denial network” Conan Hayes received $200,000 and “dressed as a computer nerd” to investigate “stolen” 2020 election!

From tamer of giant Cloudbreak and Teahupoo to toy merchant to detective uncovering electoral frauds!

One of the better post pro-surfing careers belongs to the Hawaiian Conan Hayes, a tamer of big Cloudbreak and Teahupoo, pivotal member of the Momentum Generation, who would retire from the game at the turn of the century to co-found a label that would eventually be worth thirty-ish mill. 

(After selling RVCA to his biz partner for a little over seven mill, Hayes was erased from its history. The website claims “RVCA is the brainchild of company founder PM Tenore”. Tenore also says the use of the V instead of U contrasts with the A to represent the brand’s ethos of “The Balance of Opposites.” I remember asking Conan about it at the time and he says his mom used to dig BVGLARI and so he swiped the idea, RVCA instead of RUCA.)

Following the sale, Hayes operated a warehouse in LA importing children’s toys. 

In 2015, Hayes was hit with grand theft charges by the Orange County DA, who alleged Hayes had committed short sale fraud against the Bank of America “by providing Bank of America with false information concerning his financial net worth, which was in the millions of dollars, in order to qualify for short sale relief.”

The charges were dropped two years later “among a myriad of scandals following the prosecution.”

Now, his career has taken a wild pivot as a “minor celebrity in, what the NY Times describes as, “an election denial network.” 

In the latest instalment and via a Times investigation into a Colorado election official accused of leaking data from her county’s voting machines, Hayes has been revealed as a major player in the game. 

The Mesa County breach involved a former surfer who was dressed as a computer “nerd” and made a FaceTime call during the operation, reporting by The New York Times shows. Afterward, the crew shared their loot — images of voting machine data — at a conference streamed online, advertising the effort to thousands.

…another member of the election denier network did attend, according to court records and interviews. Conan Hayes was a former pro surfer who had worked with Mr. Trump’s legal team as it challenged the 2020 results. In 2021, Mr. Byrne paid him around $200,000 to continue his work for a year, according to Mr. Byrne.

According to an account from Mr. Byrne, and confirmed by Mr. Hayes, he attended the trusted build on May 25, 2021. Mr. Hayes called Mr. Byrne from inside the Mesa County election offices, speaking in a hushed voice and explaining that he’d been invited to make backup copies of machines by a government official who thought that a cover-up was underway, Mr. Byrne said. When the two spoke over FaceTime, Mr. Byrne saw Mr. Hayes was dressed like a computer “nerd” and wearing someone else’s identification tag, Mr. Byrne said.

Climb into the labyrinth of Trumpism here!