"Let me put you gently to sleep."

Big wave stud, Kauai local Mark Zuckerberg follows thoroughly original surfer-cum-tough guy path into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu: “It’s a big part of who I am!”

Viva surfing and submission.

Well this all just stands to reason, doesn’t it though? But can you imagine a Hawaii local, big wave charger, tough guy who does not, also, participate in Brazilian jiu-jitsu? The answer is, obviously, no as the great choking and submitting art has intertwined with our surfing like peanut butter has intertwined with jelly, Michael Jackson jams and light frowns whilst playing loudly near preschools.

But you recall the WHOOP glory years here. Oh, I forgot. WHOOP wasn’t very excited about combat sport but WHOOP ain’t no Facebook and don’t have no legendary Mark Zuckerberg at helm (buy here).

The Meta CEO, Hawaii local, big wave charger was a recent guest on the very popular Joe Rogan podcast and, between talking about Hunter Biden’s scandalous laptop computer, let slip that BJJ is “a big part” of who he is.

Fantastic.

Kai “Borg” Garcia, Dustin Barca, Mark Zuckerberg.

But do you recall, recently, when MMA star Paddy “The Baddy” Pimblett called Zuckerberg out after a victory in the octagon?

I reckon dream matchup closer than ever.

Acai bowls ruthlessly slapped.

Whatever happened to Michael Rodrigues, speaking of? He blocked me across social media channels, years ago, and I’ve lost touch.

Help.


Following catastrophic second round, Kelly Slater mounts comeback of the year to win invitation-only event at exclusive Four Seasons Hotel in Maldives, “You can’t put fight into a man’s guts if he hasn’t any fight in him!”

"The physical beating was not as painful as the humiliation."

Briefly, the over-fifties surf community, that dreadful little group of libidinal bile-filled males, was in shock a couple of days back following the defeat of their icon Kelly Slater in the second round of the invitation-only Four Seasons Maldives Surfing Champions Trophy.

The contest, which runs over three days, has a single fin, twin fin and three-fin division. Twenty-five gees to the winner.

Slater had made short work of the Momentum Gen, including one-time arch-rival Rob Machado, in the single fin div before stumbling to a shock third-place finish in the two-screw heats.

Yesterday afternoon, however, Slater cauterised that wound by winning the thruster div before showing the grit and granite he’s famous for and beating Shane Dorian in the grand final.

Slater in his final love-cry!
Shane Dorian, “The physical beating was not as painful as the humiliation!”

 “The Final was really fun,” said Slater. “Shane has been the really in-sync guy with the waves throughout this event, but in the Final I kind of took that from him. I think he caught one of the best waves of the heat (8.7) but the wave came too late, and there were only a few minutes left when he got back out to the lineup. We’re even now though, it worked out perfectly.”

Thruster Division Results:

Kelly Slater (USA) – 1st
Rob Machado (USA) – 2nd
Shane Dorian (USA) – 3rd
Hussain “Iboo” Areef (MDV) – 3rd
Ross Williams (USA) – 5th
Taylor Knox (USA) – 5th

 

 


Dreams (pictured) coming true.

California surfers with silver screen dreams flock to open casting call in Santa Cruz for unnamed film from “Academy Award-winning team!”

In God's Hands.

We all, each of us here, harbor latent dreams, fantasies about what life might have looked like if a turn had been made here instead of there, a pivot there instead of here. Sliding doors, man, but what might have you become if the chips fell… better? An astronaut zooming through space? A rock ‘n’ roll superstar shaking your hips on stage in front of adoring thousands? Chief Executive Officer of the World Surf League, counting Jordy Smith, Connor O’Leary, Jadson Andre amongst your very best friends?

An actor?

Well, guess what? Acting takes no real talent and so your dream could still be achieved and, as fate would have it, there is an open casting call happening right this moment in Santa Cruz. Do I have your attention?

Per Action News:

Santa Cruz Surf Project has posted an open casting call for young surfers on the Central Coast for a major feature film.

“The film will be created by an Academy Award-winning filmmaking team — who’d love to meet you! No acting experience required,” reads the release to the public.

The movie is looking for surfers of any ethnicity or gender, between the ages of 14-22.

The casting call will be Saturday, Aug. 27 from 12-5 p.m. at Santa Cruz High School Auditorium 415 Walnut Ave., Santa Cruz, CA 95060.

“Once you arrive, we’ll get you checked in and ready to go – no need to prepare anything, just bring your authentic self! Please come prepared for wait times. If you have any questions, please direct them to [email protected]

Time is ticking.

But, quickly, what movie do you think this casting is for? I’m going to guess Barbarian Days. Also, which amongst your friends here do you think would make the best actor? I’m going to say Michael Newman.

Now get thee to Santa Cruz High School Auditorium!


“King of the waves” Julian Wilson reveals jaw-dropping debut clothing range that’s part golf, part-surf, part-motocross, part-aerobics in deal with mercurial online retailer!

"Rivvia Projects has a vitality that mimics its creator and that can be measured at the root of the belly where the phallus rises thick and arching!"

If you hadn’t heard, and I’m not entirely sure you would’ve given its soft-soft launch, Julian Wilson has released the debut clothing range of his brand Rivvia Projects in a deal with the online retailer SurfStitch. 

Rivvia, which is a portmanteaux of the names of  his two kids River and Olivia, is an “an expression of myself, really, and all the things I’m into and passionate about,” Wilson told Monster Children, listing his favourite things as golfing, motorbiking, skating, and mountain bike riding.

Wilson follows Dane Reynolds/Craig Anderson and Luke Egan into the rag-trade, Reynolds’ and Ando with Former and Egan with Depactus, a brand that flew a little too close to the sun before the glue holding its wings melted and it was bought for a song by SurfStitch. 

The Rivvia Projects range, which you can examine in its entirety here, has a vitality that mimics its creator and that can be measured at the root of the belly where the phallus rises thick and arching (many apologies to DH Lawrence.)

Rivvia Projects sits on a price point that is closer to Billabong than Outerknown or the very high-end apparel being pushed by Hayden Cox. 

Very different animals, of course.

Cox, you’ll remember, partnered up with online men’s retailer Mr Porter for his eponymous surfboard brand’s debut clothing collection, which is called Acetone, and which must not be confused with the magazine by Andrew Kidman and Sam Rhodes, which was designed to offset the WSL’s “utter bastardisation” of their beloved sport.

Rivvia Proj on SurfStitch.

 


San Clemente man grows irate while driving, repeatedly spits on woman’s car; outed by integrity sleuths as surfer thanks to his core t-shirt: “You see, Jeff, the surfing community is a very small community!”

The long arm of the internet.

Surf rage has, apparently, moved to the roads in California’s beach towns. And San Clemente is where we lay our scene, picking up mid act as a black SUV piloted by an irate man pulls up next to another car, driver unseen though identified by our narrator at a Hispanic mother with two-year-old daughter along for the ride.

It is uncertain what caused the severe frustration, but the very angry man begins spitting on the car before pulling in front of it, stopping and marching to the window, mad.

Apparently, the woman was refused police help and so the internet took over in seeking justice.

Integrity sleuths finger the man as a surfer, thanks to his core surf t-shirt, with the narrator declaring, “The surfing community is a very small community so when they saw you wearing this shirt they immediately identified you.”

He is then dragged through the public square.

A few questions, why does the woman roll down her window to allow for the spit to come inside?

Now that surf rage has moved to the roads, will it move to the skies next?

Does it bode poorly for the World Surf League that “the surfing community is a very small community?”

Currently more questions than answers.