"You were never going to Tahiti? NEVER?"
"You were never going to Tahiti? NEVER?"

Eagle-eyed oceanographic cartographer discovers universally beloved surf champion John John Florence never intended to sail to Tahiti for upcoming contest leaving surf fans jilted and woebegone!

It's hard our there.

Fans of professional surfing at its very highest level have suffered a difficult year. After the world’s greatest surfer, Kelly Slater, opened with an inspiring win at the Pro Pipeline, it has been a string of semi-bad fortune. Lousy waves, overall, a mid-tour cut that robbed us of Owen Wright, sitting champion Gabriel Medina opting to take a mental health break, universally adored John John Florence becoming injured, Gabriel Medina returning from me-time and becoming injured himself.

On and on though we were treated to a brief moment of hope, of joy, when nearly two weeks ago, Florence posted a message to social media informing his 1.5 million fans that he was “headed south” on his sailboat that was filled with provisions and surfboards.

But Tahiti is south of Hawaii and the Tahiti Pro is the next event on the schedule.

Could he be?

Might he be?

Florence’s name remaining on the heat draw further buoyed the faithful but alas. It was revealed late last night that Michel Bouringez has replaced Blonde Ambition and that Tahiti was never the destination anyhow.

An eagle-eyed oceanographic cartographer, Will Dahlgreen, has sorted that our hero has always been on his way to Fiji.

Surf fans slumping at work desks, carving “FML” into the pressboard, not able to partake in office lunch talk.

Jilted and woebegone.

Image courtesy Superpower Dogs film.
Image courtesy Superpower Dogs film.

In aftermath of US Open, professional surfers forced to deal with uncomfortable reality that dogs riding soft-tops are far, far more popular than them!


Speciesism, these days, is as unchill as ablism, classism, heteroism etc. but professional surfers are waking up, this morning, with bad feelings toward dogs brewing in hearts. Yesterday, you see, was the wildly successful conclusion of the US Open of Surfing there in Huntington Beach. Light thousands watched online, though the sand was packed, as Zeke Lau was crowned champion thus fulfilling the promise spotted by ABC television producers last year.

Lau, you certainly recall, as “The Ultimate Surfer.”

And, thus, professional surfers expected their names, and exploits to be splashed across front pages, dominating internet news feeds, professional surfing for the win.

Alas, what they discovered was almost exclusive coverage of the 2022 World Dog Surfing Championships up in Pacifica, near San Francisco.

According to the Bay Area’s local NBC affiliate:

Large crowds packed Pacifica’s Linda Mar Beach Saturday for the World Dog Surfing Championships.

People watched man’s best friend ride some waves.

Fans of the event said the dogs look silly, but they were also very impressive.

“I like the gathering. It is a big event. A lot of people from all over come and join us. And then, seeing the dogs actually surf is really a funny thing to watch. And they’re really good surfers,” said Patrick Sayres of Pacifica.

The event at the beach also had mobile pet adoptions, a dog costume contest and “yappy hour” for drinks.

Other news outlets called the event “whimsical,” “delightful,” “just what we need,” with august Reuters declaring, “Surfing has officially gone to the dogs.

How does that make the aforementioned Zeke Lau or BettyLou Sakura feel?

World Surf League CEO Erik Logan?

While I can’t say for certain, I’d have to guess speciesist.


Bourez (pictured) in undated photo.
Bourez (pictured) in undated photo.

Already-fagged surf fans suffer extreme bouts of lethargy as World Surf League reaches peak milquetoast, fills John John Florence vacant Tahiti Pro spot with uninspiring Michel Bourez pick!

"May our voices whisper to you from the ageless stones, Go tell the Spartans, passerby: That here by Spartan law, we lie.”

Yesterday surf fans around the world were riding high. Zeke Lau had just etched his name in the annals of surf history by taking out the entire field at the US Open of Surfing, hoisting a fluorescent board high above his head as the beach went wild. Those who doubted that Lau was, in fact, “The Ultimate Surfer” forced to eat much crow. To make matters even sweeter, John John Florence was somewhere near the South Pacific and even though his boat might be hobbled, possibly sailing to the Outerknown Tahiti Pro, name still on the heat draw.

Well, the sun set and rose again to the news that Florence is out and the World Surf League has, instead, gone for the safe, though entirely uninspiring choice of Michel Bourez.

Surf fans, around the world, falling heartsick, breaking down emotionally as the WSL, long on the way, officially reached Peak Milquetoast.

According to BeachGrit’s stat department, Bourez has gotten 9th place four times, at Teahupoo, 13th place three times and 25th place three times.

He retired from professional competition at some point in the last decade but nobody cared and so it is undocumented.

The World Surf League could have followed the surprising inclusion of Nathan “Hog” Hedge with two-time winner Bobby Martinez or simply done the right thing and tapped the trials’ runner-up Matahi Drollet.



Or, in French if you prefer, roupillon-ville.

Elated surf fans lose collective mind as “The Ultimate Surfer” Zeke Lau curb stomps competition, wins US Open of Surfing thereby etching name alongside Kelly Slater, Brett Simpson in annals of Huntington Beach history!


Surf fans, riding a rollercoaster today, are currently elated as Hawaii’s Zeke Lau has just etched his name into the annals of history by living up to his billing as “the ultimate surfer” in a stunning win over Joao Chianca in the US Open of Surfing finals.

Riding a florescent yellow surfboard, Lau employed excellent clock management skills and extreme hopping in front of a beach filled with ecstatic supporters.

Online, Brazilian fans became outraged at apparent judging biases.

Much “World Shame League.”

A full recap will not be forthcoming, as the waves were knee high and horrible looking, but enjoy this spectacular moment. With the win, Lau is likely to re-qualify, again, for the Championship Tour via the Challenger Series after qualifying through unscripted reality program and Qualifying Series victories.


Open Thread: Comment Live on the Outerknown Tahiti Pro specialty trials event as local hopefuls dream Championship Tour dreams!

Place of Broken Skulls!