Shame on us but mostly you.

We are, each of us, jerks. You, of course, but every blue moon me too. Though can we return, once more, to the just-wrapped Outerknown Tahiti Pro which provided fireworks, superlatives, moments that will be etched in our shared history forever and ever and ever? I see no reason not to as it is grey and sad in Southern California today and memories of impossibly green hills rising from impossibly blue waters are better than gloom.

Fantastic.

A fantastic show though you should feel very terrible about your response to Filipe Toledo’s first round heat against world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater and Slater’s employee Nathan Hedge. The waves were terrifyingly good, that heat, emphasis on terrifying with Slater and Hedge trading bombs while the current best surfer in the world bobbed out the back simply terrified.

Oh, you applauded Slater and Hedge but spent most your time challenging Toledo, wondering about his courage, his prizing self-protection over glory.

Me too, lightly, in a moment of weakness, I’ll admit.

Well, we should all be ashamed of ourselves, most more than I, because, in an act of synchronicity, surf inspiration Jonah Hill released a statement at the very same time that Toledo wasn’t paddling that declared he, also, was choosing to bob out the back, metaphorically, and will no longer promote his films, publicly, because it is anxiety inducing.

Unlike you, me and our unhealthiness, our fun making, Hill was universally praised for his bold self-protection stance. Per industry publication Deadline:

Jonah Hill has received plaudits for sharing recently his decision to step back from promoting his films in order to protect his mental health.

After the Superbad star opened up in a public letter he shared on Deadline, saying he had suffered for 20 years from anxiety attacks, which were exacerbated by media appearances and public-facing events, two psychologists told the BBC of the importance of his message for the wider audience.

Dr Sandra Wheatley told the BBC that “somebody who has so much to lose is actually prepared to step back” should be admired.

She said that celebrities were performing constantly whenever they were out in public. “But when they’re offstage, they go back to who they really are. So celebrities have to remember this persona in the media is an impersonation that you have, not you as an individual and that can be hard to balance.”

Consultant psychologist Dr Elena Bailey agreed that celebrities were “very vulnerable” in the public eye, and that stepping back as Hill has done is “self-protective behaviour.”

“This is because the type of attention and feedback and commentary on your life can have a very big impact on your mental health, causing a lot of anxiety, negative thoughts, symptoms of depression,” she said.

Really, shame on you.

Deep shame.

A little on me too but just a dab.

Hardened surf fans rejoice.

What are we, hardened surf fans, going to think about once the World Surf League’s 2022 season wraps in a matter of weeks? John John Florence’s knee? Gabriel Medina’s internal garden? Filipe Toledo’s gallbladder? Did you know the Chinese consider the pear-shaped organ to be the determiner of courage?

Intriguing.

But none will soak up as much time as it should leaving us idle and depressed.

Thankfully, Hawaiian heartthrob has just been announced to star as the Duke Kahanamoku in an upcoming biopic. You, of course, know at least some part of the “Father of Surfing’s” story. How he broke records and won gold medals as an Olympic swimmer, surfed around the world, was Honolulu sheriff for almost thirty years, etc.

Well, according to Variety:

Trademark rights to Kahanamoku’s name have been the subject of long-running legal disputes with members of his extended family and various business ventures. Momoa, (producer Peter) Safran and the (producers Susan and Eric) Carlsons are working with Don Love, the California investor who runs the Malama Pono Ltd. venture that has managed IP rights to Kahanamoku’s legacy since 1999.

“Duke’s story is one that has fascinated me for years,” Safran told Variety. “To now have the opportunity to tell it with the respect that it deserves, in collaboration with Jason, Chris and the Carlsons, is truly a gift.”

Added Eric Carlson, “We are all proud to be working with Malama Pono to tell the incredible true story of Duke Kahanamoku, one of America’s most overlooked heroes.”

The untitled film will “explore this iconic and gentle man as the legendary swimmer, trailblazer and the undisputed father of modern-day surfing,” according to producers. “Duke lived a life of compassion and inclusion as he embraced the true meaning of ‘Aloha.’”

Safran’s other credits include “Suicide Squad” and “Peacemaker.”

Wonderful.

Hopefully an hour thirty, at least, we can enjoy something.

"I just finished fourth in the Australian titles and nothing but the sound of crickets!"

Only one month ago, it appeared surfing’s first transsexual competitor Sasha Jane Lowerson was on an unstoppable roll, adding yet another trophy to a mantlepiece already groaning with trophies.

Two months after her commanding win at the Western Australian longboard titles in May, Lowerson surfed with a remarkable grace to win the 23rd Lavan Whalebone Longboard Classic at Perth’s Cottesloe Beach.

Sasha Jane Lowerson, a forty-four-year-old Fly-In-Flight-Out worker in Australia’s lucrative mining biz, was one of Australia’s leading male longboarders, even winning the men’s longboard div as Ryan Egan, before transitioning a couple of years ago and joining the women’s side of the draw.

“Trans-girls aren’t going to take over the world, we just want to be included, we’re humans too,” Lowerson said. “I’ve been hiding in this male shell up… for 42 years. To still be made to be that guy that I’m not, it’s shattering,”

Surfing’s reactionary core was laid bare when Momentum Generation funnyman and Kelly Slater bandmate Peter King waded into the trans-athlete improblio saying,

“Stay out of women’s sports where you miraculously win after being an average performing man. Women’s sports is not a backup plan where you can’t win a trophy (And $) in the men’s division. Leagues like WSL and sponsors like Red Bull will you now stand up to this now instead of harming women’s sports?”

Kelly Slater added, “Make a trans division and we don’t have this confusion.”

Now, following her failure to win the Australian longboard title, which just wrapped up in the holiday hamlet of Port Macquarie, Lowerson says the media has been conspicuously silent.

“It’s pretty amazing the message that you guys the media send to us all!” Lowerson wrote in an Instagram DM. “I just finished fourth in the Australian titles and nothing but the sound of crickets! Listen, I am happy that there isn’t disgusting skewed opinions being published about my inclusion. However, I’m sure as two well-educated men that you two are, both of you can surely see the irony of what I’m pointing out right now! The press love to chant about how it’s only unfair when we (trans-athletes) win!

“On a second note, have you ever asked yourself why the anti-trans agenda argument isn’t using data of a trans-woman that has endured a set time and set level of Hormone Replacement Therapy?

“The answer is obvious! Instead they insisted on using data of a CIS male versus a CIS female! The comparison is totally irrelevant! The irrelevance is that obvious because you would get the exact same comparison/result from comparing the data of CIS males versus CIS females as you would comparing the data of CIS males versus trans-females.”

Lowerson added she was made welcome by all the other gals in the event.

“(They) celebrated my inclusion as they are my peers and they also train hard and put the time in the water that is necessary to surf at that level to win a title. Also, they would never use the inclusion of a trans-athlete as an excuse for their own inabilities to perform well in an event.”

All very good points.

Now, again, and more importantly, and since we couldn’t agree last time, what are your favourite tranny movies?

Mine are Boy Meets Girl and Tangerine, the trailers of both you can examine below, as well as various scenes on adult channels.

Bust out the tissues. And not just for the tears.