George (pictured) penning individual responses to those who dared to disagree.

Preeminent self-proclaimed surf authority ripped to grisly shreds by traditionally subservient fans after claiming Lower Trestles as one of world’s best waves: “Time to travel a little?”

Genius denied.

Sam George, the preeminent self-proclaimed most important voice in surfing, its guiding light and holder of all truths, once married to fictional surf royalty must have woken to quite a start this morning. I’d imagine his typical routine is to remove the cucumber slices covering his eyelids, blinking a few times before sitting up and sliding his footsies into OluKai slippers, making his way to the restroom to run a manicured hand through silver fox hair, affixing his beaded tiger’s eye brace around right wrist, heading to the kitchen in order to steep himself a cup of oolong tea and re-reading his most recent works.

And this morning it would have been his vigorous defense of Lower Trestles on likeminded website The Inertia which bills itself “the definitive voice of surf and outdoor.” His eyes would have lovingly caressed its title, “Defending Lower Trestles: Despite the WSL Finals Vitriol, It’s One of the World’s Best Surf Spots,” nodding at his bash of “earnest young reporters” bad-mouthing the much-ballyhooed Final’s Day, solemnly nodding upon reaching the line, “Take it from me, a surfer with both the authority and years of experience to make the following claim: they’re all wrong. Because the fact is that by any reasonable standard, Lower Trestles is one of the world’s best waves.”

He would have flowed through the poetry of the following few hundred gorgeous words, a thorough history of Lowers, what it meant for surfboard design and progression, how it remains the mark of progression, before reaching his final hammer.

But for a reminder of what it does provide, re-watch match one of the women’s event at this year’s world title finale. Honestly now, compared to anything you surf on a regular basis, would you call Lowers a “mediocre” wave?

I didn’t think so.

More forceful than anything ever written.

Now, he may not have initially imagined that his eyes would have drifted down toward the comments. Since The Inertia is, clearly, the “definitive voice,” its mollycoddled readers rarely add but there below George’s piece a whole six responses floated.

A sly smile must have crossed his handsome face, between sips of oolong. No doubt songs of praise, small monuments built to his genius.

mjp declared, “Trestles’ bathymetry changed a bit in the 80’s and it’s not a terrible wave , so therefore let’s decide the world champion there.”

Elwood added, “The fact is, that by any reasonable standard, Lower Trestles is not one of the world’s best waves.”

NotFromSoCal concluded, “Time to travel a little?”

A vicious ripping by The Inertia standards.

Brutal and unrelenting.

Oolong dribbling from George’s rage-trembling frown.

But do you agree with him or with The Inertites?


Yves and Kelly, custodians of the planet. | Photo: Slater by @sensitiveseashellcollector

Pressure builds on sustainability activist Kelly Slater to gift Outerknown to environmental causes following Yves Chouinard’s shock decision to give away his $3 billion surf and climbing company Patagonia, “I was in Forbes magazine listed as a billionaire, which really, really pissed me off”

"The whole river is completely filled with floating fish, for miles and miles and miles. I have seen pictures and it makes me wanna cry," says Slater.

You might’ve seen in the press already, Yves Chouinard’s decision to give away Patagonia, the company he spent the last fifty years building into the multi-billion dollar operation it is today. 

I’ll admit. Patagonia, the brand, don’t do a hell of a lot for me. The ritual use of dull browns, the lingering smell of piety, the full silhouettes suited to the fashionably retarded.

I live in the city where the climate is temperate. I don’t climb, don’t fish, use a little of the ocean close to shore and what little nature I get is from the television. Fornication, perhaps, is the closest I get to God.

And, yet, I’ve always found Yvon Chouinard, the climber and surfer who founded Patagonia, deeply interesting. One of those men whom you would’ve loved as a childhood mentor. 

“He who dies with the least toys wins,” says Yves. “Because the more you know, the less you need… I was in Forbes magazine listed as a billionaire, which really, really pissed me off. I don’t have $1 billion in the bank. I don’t drive Lexuses.”

True to his word, instead of selling Patagonia or taking it public, Yves, who is eighty-three, has transferred his family’s ownership of the company into a trust and no-for-profit, “created to preserve the company’s independence and ensure that all of its profits — some $100 million a year — are used to combat climate change and protect undeveloped land around the globe.”

And, now following the decision, pressure is mounting on renowned environmentalist Kelly Slater, whose work with Queensland wetlands and Californian deserts is the stuff of legend, to do the same with Outerknown, which, like Patagonia, was created as a bulwark against cheap, mass-produced clothing. 

“I am pretty depressed about the state of the world to be honest and our future in terms of pollution and humanity in a lot of ways,” Slater told Tracks magazine. “It feels like politics and religion and all sorts of things are pulling us apart more than they bring us together.

“I am pretty sensitive to it … it weighs heavy on my heart to be honest. I think about big things in the world a lot and for me it’s difficult to see and be ok with it. When you become aware of something but then you don’t know how to fix it, that’s when it becomes frustrating.

“I try and raise awareness with social media. I wish there was more time for myself to be able to just focus only on that. All the rivers in my hometown right now have completely been destroyed by the sugar cane and fertilizer industries. All the fish in the river outside my house just died, every single fish. The whole river is completely filled with floating fish right now, for miles and miles and miles. It’s the saddest thing you will ever see. I have just seen pictures and it makes me wanna cry.”

Don’t cry!

Be like Yves!

More as it comes.


Sexism (pictured).

Tasteless surf tabloid viciously slammed by Committee for Equity in Women’s Surfing for ugly pattern of wanton sexism: “Per usual BeachGrit is disrespecting women. What will your daughter think?”

Many tears.

Reckless surf tabloid BeachGrit’s twin desks were sent reeling, this morning, after one of its principals was publicly accused of continuing a disturbing pattern of wanton sexism. The latest in a series of offending posts was carelessly uploaded to the website’s lightly trafficked Instagram account and featured a sixty-ish-year-old woman in a full wetsuit and jacket getting extremely barreled on a nine-foot longboard, blown out with the spit and sent into the atmosphere where she rode an airplane before doing a hands-free full rotation.

The Committee for Equity in Women’s Surfing, with a mission of supporting access, inclusion, equity and equal pay and promises to be “new wave of professional surfing,” immediately pounced on the ugly piece of content, declaring, “Per usual @beach.grit is disrespecting women. What will your daughter think @surfjournalist?”

Surf journalist Chas Smith had not considered asking his young daughter before sharing the video and immediately apologized to her for perpetuating such bigoted trash and promised he would be better.

Many tears flowed thereafter.

Smith thought about calling his older daughter, who plays soccer for Vanderbilt, to apologize to her as well, hoping beyond hope that she hadn’t seen the thoughtlessness which might have led her to believe she could do backflips to the atmosphere and ride an airplane after scoring a goal but couldn’t handle any more shame.

He is currently seeking help.


Nude surfing is ok for all ages!

In shock communiqué, holistic health expert encourages surfers to bring kids to nude beaches: “The innocence, honesty and normalcy of bodies is celebrated on a naked beach and most people are very welcoming to children!”

Freedom.

Now, every surfer worth her salt knows there are many nude beaches that also feature fine waves, Blacks in San Diego, Privates in Santa Cruz, Gunnison in New Jersey, Trail Six right next to Lower Trestles etc., but many, if not most, might be lightly tentative to bring their young children with them for a shared session.

Too much weird.

Yuck yuck parts.

Thick puritanical blood pumping through unconscious minds but in a shock communiqué, a holistic health expert has declared that bringing children of every age is not only appropriate but healthy. Nadine Robinson, who raised her own three daughters on nude beaches, declares, “Scantily clad women’s bodies are on display in every aspect of pop culture. And that imagery is harmful not because it shows too much skin, but because all that skin looks the same: skinny, white and young. The mainstream media gives women a dangerously narrow definition of what is beautiful. I was much more terrified that my children would internalize an unrealistic image of women’s bodies from a Grand Theft Auto commercial than I was of them seeing a 60-year-old woman’s bare breasts at the beach. I wanted to expose my daughters to all types of bodies, at all ages and stages.”

Assuaging fears of perversion or general naughtiness, Robinson counters, “Nude beaches are about body positivity. And most people at naked beaches are trying to undo the harmful cultural stereotypes they were indoctrinated with. So, when children are there, adults are enthusiastic gatekeepers of their healthy sexuality and safety. The innocence, honesty and normalcy of bodies is celebrated on a naked beach, and most people are very welcoming to children.”

Hmmmm.

But what do you think about that? Does it change your opinion about leaving your six-year-old on Blacks’ gritty sand whilst you make barrel?

I suppose it should.


Intrepid NJ Surfboard Rescue Team.

Mystery of ghostly surfboard in swamp, unmoved by tides and currents, that had been haunting commuters for half a decade finally solved by New Jersey reporter!

Truth stranger than fiction etc.

The New Jersey Meadowlands, located nine miles from Manhattan, is a gloriously notorious swamp where one can loose, with intent, anything from overestimated, unused Union concrete to overdue gambling debts with lips and tongues. 

Old rumors from Houston street to Hoboken say there are enough pistols with duct tape on the handle at the bottom of the marshes to arm a Caribbean island. It is also said there are enough human bones that skulk the bottom, weighted with sandbags, to make the catacombs in the basements of France look like a pop-up Halloween store. 

Atop the meadowlands, runs the NJ Transit lines, connecting gritty, shitty New Jersey to the sparkling Big Apple. And it is on these trains that commuters have watched, for nearly five years, a solitary surfboard floating on a marsh. The board remained isolated and unmoved by tide, current and wind. 

Until NEWS 12 The Bronx decided to conduct an investigation. 

Reporter Brain Donohue used kayak and machete to make his way through the marsh in order to get to the surfboard and figure out the story behind it. 

Brian’s kayak becomes stuck in a shallow section and he has to hack through the tall grass that seems like a Walmart version of the Amazon jungle. The end scene and the reason to why the surfboard is there is eerily reminiscent of some perverse version of the Wizard of Oz at the end of the yellow brick and swamp green road.

And there is little doubt that environmentalists may twitch just a tinge when they hear the wild and endangered snapping turtles are being fed Cheeze Doodles off a foam core and polyurethane floating coffee table. 

Watch here.