Australians weep with joy, Americans with bitter jealousy as Australian broadcaster inks deal to air every World Surf League tour stop plus eleven extra highlight hours for free!

Haves and have nots.

Americans woke up early to the most bitter shock, the sting of pure 24 carat jealousy burning hot, for morning headlines blared news that little Australia, far across the Pacific with a GDP but a fraction as much, had secured free-to-air broadcast rights for World Surf League programing on 7Plus television plus eleven extra hours that would be dedicated to a WSL highlight reel.

Head of Network Sport at 7Plus, Lewis Martin, mocking American pain, declared, “Surfing is a sport that draws a lot of passion from people all over the world, particularly Australians, so we’re stoked to continue our partnership with the World Surf League. As we sit at the precipice of a new era of surfing, it’s an incredibly exciting time for the much-loved sport. The nation’s golden girl of the waves, Steph Gilmore, is showing no signs of slowing down after claiming her eighth world title this year, and who could forget the greatest of all time, Kelly Slater, making history in the Pipeline last year? With the future of Aussie surfing in the hands of newcomers Molly Picklum, Isabella Nichols and Ethan Ewing, 2023 is set to deliver more stories and moments that you cannot miss, and you can catch it all right here on Seven and 7plus.”

Americans, on the other hand, forced to sit in front of small laptop computers to enjoy the precipice of a new era of surfing.

Required to hold smaller telephones up to faces, squinting, attempting to discern Griffin Colapinto from Kolohe Andino.

Oh, somewhere in this favoured land the sun is shining bright. The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light; And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout. But there is no joy in coastal towns or other surfer—heavy enclaves our national broadcasters have made us pout.