Photo: To Catch a Thief

New terror emerges on Australia’s surf-rich beaches as posh European-style cabanas implicated in potential deaths!

LOOK OUT!

Australia is a great land of wonder, as anyone who has had the privilege of visiting knows. From the arts and culture of Melbourne to the meat pies of Nyngan, Sydney’s iconic opera house to Kirra’s reeling tubes, it might just be the greatest country on earth… but a dark menace lurks.

Oh you’ve read of the bull sharks, that just ate a beautiful dolphin very near where famous surf journalist Nick Carroll lives and in front of families and lifesavers.

Horrible.

But worse?

Posh European-like beach cabanas.

According to the Noosa Heads Surf Life Saving Club president Ross Fisher beach cabanas have become an absolute must-have accessory in the past few years, exploding in popularity.

“They’ve become a phenomena,” he told Australia’s ABC News. “People found their patch of sand, they had their family under the cabana, they had sun shade, shelter from the rain if it rains.”

Except herein lies the mess. While posh and colorful, the cabanas block the view of lifesavers

“We have to keep moving the patrol down,” Fisher continued, in order to find open patches of view. “You’re trying to keep the flags going down, which we have to do anyway, but you have to be smart about it.”

Surf Life Saving Queensland Gold Coast coordinator Nathan Fife encouraged beachgoers to use common sense when setting up their Italianate roofs. “Make sure there is pathways, make sure they [lifesavers] can still see the water and see their flagged areas, he said. “They’re there to make sure everyone is safe at the beach. If they can’t do their job, it’s not good for anyone.”

Does the beach cabana plague make you think twice about planning your next surf trip to the Lucky Country or are you more devil may care in your approach to life?

Sipping mimosas underneath a Louis Vuitton four-sided umbrella.

Buy here.


Wounded dolphin en route to death on beach. | Photo: Nine News

Jaws-like scenes at iconic Australian beach as pack of eight-foot bull sharks mauls dolphin to death in front of horrified junior surf competitors!

"Beaches closed due to dolphin and shark fight."

A surf lifesaving carnival was cancelled and beaches along Sydney’s prized northern beaches were closed today after a pretty lil dolphin, those goofy ready-to-play golden retrievers of the sea, was mauled by a pack of bull sharks at Manly’s Shelley beach. 

The fatally injured dolphin beached itself as three bull sharks waited patiently just offshore and competitors lined up for the start of the Manly Open Surf Carnival.

Modesty tent for banged-up dolphin. Nine News.
Beneath the tent.

“The shark just literally swam straight past them and headed for the dolphin,” a spokesperson for Surf Life Saving NSW told ABC. “We’re not sure whether [the dolphin] was ill and died of natural causes or was attacked and died of those injuries. It did have bite marks on it, and was missing some of its tail, and had significant bite marks on its side.”

Ain’t great seeing a dolphin cop it but a bull shark’s gotta eat, am I right, and a succulent three-hundred pound dolphin is grinds for days.

The meat, surprisingly, is beef-like due to the dolphin being a warm-blooded mammal and is delicious sautéed in butter report fans, a method unavailable to the shark but perfect for humans seeking a delicious, protein-and-mercury rich treat. 


Competitors get dusted the last time The Eddie ran in 2016, main photo, and Owens is steamrolled at Waimea by adult learner a few weeks back, inset.

New slap-in-the-face for North Shore lifeguard almost killed at Waimea Bay by adult learner after lifetime dream of competing in Eddie Aikau big wave event shattered!

"Crazy how if you slap a donkey for burning you, you can get arrested. But donkey can run you over and gets no punishment."

A  couple of weeks ago, shackles were sure as hell raised on the North Shore following the near-death of legendary big-wave surfer and ocean paddler Chris Owens who nearly exited this mortal coil when he was kneecapped by an adult learner at Waimea Bay.

Chris Owens, of course, ain’t no ordinary surfer or lifeguard.

In 2005, after a wild twenty-two hour haul through giant seas described as “one of the greatest feats of human endurance ever”, Owens paddled the sixty-five nautical miles between Oahu and Kauai.

Owens, who survived a one-minute hold-down at Mavericks in 2019 in surf deemed too big to run the Mavericks Invitational contest (“I went down and said hello to my friends Mark Foo and Sion Milosky”), was surfing a mid-sized day at Waimea when he was taken out by the adult learner.

Another North Shore lifeguard Joey Cadiz was unsparing in his criticism.

“Change is coming. No more entitled individuals that buy a gun and “think” they can surf Waimea. People that can barely swim, dependent on their floatation, board and luck by shoulder-hopping. Y’all DONE!!! I train for the worst possible situation and I’m READY for it! But not what I go out there for! Take a good moment to think about your abilities, training, preparation, and awareness before you paddle out next time!”

Comments ran hot.

Changes need to be made!!! Need to harden up folks!!! When you see something do something we all need to step up and do what’s right!!! No worry about what’s legal sorry if I sound savage hahah but this shit is out of control on many levels

Crazy how if you slap a donkey for burning you, you can get arrested.. but donkey can run you over, take you away from surf/ work for months.. and gets no punishment

This kook should have gotten cracks on the beach. No place for this out there.

That’s so fucked! The exact reason I didn’t surf there today. Too many kooks because it’s not bombing! But imagine it is and these kooks are out there tryina literally kill us!!!! Fuck that guy. He needs a north shore warm up head slap at the very least.

 

T

 Now, with the world’s most prestigious big-wave contest The Eddie Aikau set to run this Sunday, and with Billy Kemper and Makua Rothman already out of the event due to injuries sustained during the Backdoor Shootout, third-alternate Owens was looking like an almost certain starter.

The Eddie only runs when Waimea is a consistent twenty-to-twenty-five feet and in its almost thirty-year history has produced only nine winners, John John Florence the last surfer to claim the title in 2016. 

Miss it and it may not run again for a decade.

Thoughts, prayers, condolences etc.

 

 

 

 

 


Outgoing hero Jacinda Ardern (insert) shining upon incoming hero Darren Kiwi. Photo: JCL

New Zealand surfer rescues family of three from certain death, goes on to win 50+ group at National Surfing Championships thereby erasing painful sting of Jacinda Ardern resignation!

Anti-depressive.

Your BeachGrit strays from its anti-depressive raison d’être from time to time, focusing on unseemly influencers and George Santos-esque lies, but always finds its way back toward inspiration. Toward the feel-good moments you have come to crave and require.

And you certainly are welcome.

The latest, in an almost decade long series, comes to us from New Zealand where a surfer recently saved a father and his two children from certain death via rip current.

But not just any surfer. The country’s future 50+ champion.

Slater-adjacent.

Fate found the poetically named Darren Kiwi surfing near his Arataki home when the surf started to climb and he figured he should head in for his gun. As he neared shore, he spotted a family some 30m (98ft, 1345sfln*) from the sand struggling mightily and knew, instantly.

Rip.

They were getting pounded by 2m (6ft, 27sfln) waves and he knew the situation was dire. In an exclusive interview with the New Zealand Herald, Kiwi says, “So I jumped back on my surfboard, paddled over to them and got a hold of the young girl. The father and the brother were out there as well, so managed to get a hold of them and just keep them all together actually. We managed to work together to actually get us all [to] safety. It seemed like it took forever because it was a horrendous rip. The girl was in a very distressed state and I totally understand it because the whole family had been dumped by a good-sized shore break wave, consistently followed by enough solid shore break waves. They were totally heading towards Motiti Island, that’s it. It was going to rip them right out to the back.”

But through heart, and perseverance, Kiwi navigated them all to shore, losing not one soul and etching his name in the book of heroes.

Reflecting afterward, Kiwi sighed, “It was actually one of the worst situations I’ve ever been involved in in my 35 years plus of surfing … I knew that if I wasn’t there, I knew that they would’ve been probably in a dire situation. Afterwards, they all just said a massive thank you and went their merry way.”

Well, those fates later shone upon Kiwi. A few short weeks after his benevolent act, he took out all 50+ comers at the National Surfing Championships held in pumping Piha and what could be better?

A good deed actually going unpunished.

New Zealand could very much use the great news as much-loved Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern announced that she would be leaving the post due burnout.

Kiwi for the top slot?

Leadership etc.?

Hope springs eternal.

*Surflines


Bilzerian (pictured) unlovable. Photo: @danbilzerian

In blistering attack on surf industry, social media influencer Dan Bilzerian declares “nobody likes surfing pictures on Instagram!”

Depressing.

Erik Logan, Ben Gravy and a host of other personalities stretching across this surf industry woke up this morning profoundly depressed, questioning life choices and not in a good way. Sadness. A sadness bubbling from a truth spoken into the universe by a one-time extremely popular influencer.

Dan Bilzerian, who rose to wealth on the wings of a wealthy father, became famous in the early Instagram days for his curated lifestyle featuring multiple buxom companions, large guns, human growth hormones, trips on yachts, enjoying hot tub time, wake surfing and, once, almost real surfing.

Bilzerian, who was recently on Jackass alumn Steve-O’s podcast, described the time fate found him in Kauai where a friend insisted they go to an outer reef and tow. He tells the story with much humor, how the friend’s friend was shocked that he had never surfed large before, warning him that he could die, the way it felt to skip at 50 mph down the face of a beast, the joy at conquering nature afterward but then, in a shock to the aforementioned Logan, Gravy et. al., how the images of him surfing did the absolute worst on his feed.

“Nobody likes pictures of surfing,” he said.

Steve-O and his co-hosts agreed wholeheartedly. How they, also, liked to try to surf but their posts never received “likes” from fans.

A gut punch.

But do you agree? Is our favorite pastime essentially unlovable?

Discuss.