In bombshell revelation, Kelly Slater says he threatened to beat his mother’s ex-suitor to death with a baseball bat shortly after winning his second world title, “It was a bad split. I went to his house and said I’ll f**ken kill you!”

"Step-dads can be dicks!"

The eleven-time number one surfer in the world Kelly Slater, who is still a competitive threat even in his fifty-second year, has rocked the surf world to its core with the revelation that he threatened to beat his mother’s ex-lover to death with a baseball bat.

In Slater’s most revealing interview yet, and that sure is saying something, bombshells being dropped by the champ every other day it might seem, friends and family dying or gravely wounded ‘cause of the COVID vax, threats of retirement and so on, he has blown the lid on his wildest story ever.

“Step-dads can be dicks,” he tells Dax Shepard on the The Armchair Expert podcast, recalling the time his mama brought in a homeless man, “a mechanic and a redneck” who slept on the couch next to Slater for two months before progressing to a relationship with the mammy.

“It was very weird,” says the Champ.

Later, when the relationship went south, Slater, then twenty-two and a two-time world champ, paid the man a visit armed with a baseball bat.

“I had the bat in my hand and said I’ll fucking kill you.”


Salina Cruz, firing (insert). Photo: Not me
Salina Cruz, firing (insert). Photo: Not me

As illicit lovers TJ Holmes and Amy Robach disappear after beer-fueled Mexico smooch session, surf enthusiasts wonder if they’ve secreted away to hush-hush Salina Cruz!

What happens in Salina Cruz stays in Salina Cruz.

The great and important saga of TJ Holmes and Amy Robach has taken a stunning new turn, one that has baffled media watchers though not surf enthusiasts. As you have certainly been following, the one-time hosts of Good Morning, America’s third hour burst onto the gossip scene when it was revealed that, though married to other people, were also touching each other’s bum bums in public.

The salaciousness of the whole business forced them to “take a break” from their work while broadcast giant ABC attempted to “sort out what to do,” though they were plastered on tabloids around the world as they continued to canoodle in New York and then Puerto Escondido, which turned out to be Puerto Vallarta.

Then, as suddenly as they dominated news cycles, they disappeared after a poolside beer-fueled Mexican smooch-fest.

Neither hide nor hair.

Media watchers, baffled, are trying to guess where they might have disappeared. Home to New York City? A multi-day trip to nearby Sayulita? Montecito, California in a cottage next to Prince Harry and his wife?

Very confused but surf enthusiasts know the scandalous couple must certainly have absconded to Salina Cruz.

The wave-rich region at the southern end of Mexico has long been known for its “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. I was an editor-at-living-large at Surfing magazine, once, when photographs from Salina Cruz labeled “Salina Cruz” were published. Angry locals were quick to call and ban Surfing from there. I was confused, not knowing how this ban would be enforced, but everyone with real titles, like editor and associate editor, listened, there were no more photographs and, a few years later, I went and received no ear box.

Though, again, my position was largely ceremonial.

I have to assume TJ and Amy, in any case, received the same call and listened in a similar way. Maybe not keeping their hands to theirselves but definitely keeping them on each other’s bum bums away from paparazzi.

What happens in Salina Cruz stays in Salina Cruz.

David Lee Scales and I, anyhow, did not discuss either TJ Holmes plus Amy Robach or Salina Cruz on today’s weekly chat but we did ponder over Zeke Lau and his important role as the bad guy.


Laguna Beach local (insert) victorious.
Laguna Beach local (insert) victorious.

Iconic California surf town Laguna Beach breaks toddler hearts, outlaws whimsical balloons!

First they came for balloons and I said nothing because I wasn't four-years-old...

Laguna Beach, California is as beautiful as it gets. The one stretch of southern coastline that soars out of the Pacific, green and commanding, as opposed to the typical rolling and brown. It is famous for being the birthplace of Gotcha, home to world-class skimboarding and an art festival wherein volunteers dress up like paintings and stand very still.


Though, moving forward, celebrating any of these wonderful qualities, not to mention toddler birthday parties, with balloons will land a person outside the law for the city council, days ago, voted to ban the whimsical bits of floating joy.

“This is the beginning,” Chad Nelsen, chief executive of Surfrider Foundation, stated before the elected officials put pen to paper, prohibiting balloons. “We’re chipping away at all these things we find and trying to clean up the ocean one item at a time.”

“Even the balloon advocates and balloon industry was not opposed to banning them on the beach,” Mayor Bob Whalen confidently declared, “There is going to be some impact on the local distribution of balloons, but as I say, people will still find places to buy balloons.”

The balloon industry, eh? Do you imagine it is more robust than the aforementioned surf one?

Also, do you think there will be incidents of civil balloon disobedience?

Also, do you think neighboring Laguna Nigel will pounce and try to court balloon lovers with open balloon laws?

Currently more questions than answers.

Slater (pictured) tasting gold.
Slater (pictured) tasting gold.

Living surf legend Kelly Slater’s clear and present path toward Olympic qualification plus subsequent grand retirement then shock marriage to Gisele Bündchen!

Butt into gear.

Kelly Slater, who needs no introduction here, shocked the world, yesterday, by telegraphing his third and maybe last retirement. The 51-year-old 11-time champion recently sat down with leftist organ The Guardian and declared, “If I make the Olympics, I’ll retire at the Olympics. I’m really hoping to qualify for it, but I need to get my butt into gear. The qualification process is going to be tough, but if I can get into the Olympics, the location the event is at in Tahiti – that wave really suits my strengths. So if I can get there I think I have a really good chance of a medal, but I think the harder part is going to be getting there, to be honest.”

As the dust settles, though, surf watchers are wondering both how much his butt needs to be in gear and what actually needs to happen for him to Team USA.

Let us examine together.

Now, the top two American male surfers on the World Surf League Championship Tour receive automatic qualifications. Unfortunately in the Olympics, Hawaiians count as American, which throws some salt into our hero’s game but here we are.

Heading into Portugal, Griffin Colapinto is the top Yankee in the world at number 6 followed by Johan Johan Florence at 7. Seth Moniz swings in at equal 8, Nat Young at 11 and then Slater at 16.

Science suggests that Colapinto will slip down the rankings, taking many Surfivalists with him, and J.J. will get hurt, though will do enough before injury to guarantee a bid. Seth will fade hard, Nat will move mountains with that yeoman backside stance but receive purposeful rude from the judges and end the year at 23.

Which leaves Slater number 2.

Do you think Kolohe Andino is going to make a charge?

Ezekiel Lau?


The number 2 slot is there for Slater’s plucking.


Science me better.

(Light one more candle for Gisele and Kelly, too, while you’re here. Seems like things are getting serious between her and jiu-jitsu instructor and we know where that all ends. Joel Tudor.)

Shark debate roils Australia following gruesome deaths of two swimmers, “The anti-human sentiment has become so ingrained in progressive thought that the occasional shark attack is likely viewed as a necessary sacrifice”

"What has become of our culture that human life is so undervalued?"

The dramatic deaths of two Aussies enjoying a refreshing swim in the summer heat is a tragic reminder of the ever-present risk of encountering a shark in the wild.

Having witnessed an attack, and been in close proximity to another, I feel sickened that these tragedies are allowed to continue. What has become of our culture that human life is so undervalued?

It’s not easy being pro-human in the shark debate currently roiling Australia. Eco-warriors think we not only hate sharks, but nature in general. Apart from being wrong, such religious zealotry probably indicates that they hate humans, and society in general. So, it is not surprising that people avoid the conversation — no doubt fearing retribution.

But, the Australian government ought not be swayed by this vocal minority.

I recently attended a public lecture by shark scientist Victor Peddemors, who works for the NSW Department of Primary Industries (DPI). He confessed that, while the purpose of their research is to find a solution to shark attacks, it is very difficult to identify risk factors when there are so few attacks.

For example, in research co-authored by Peddemors, El Niño was found to be a likely risk factor. However, two years later, a spate of attacks occurred during a mild La Niña.

It is foolish to expect that a solution will be found that does not involve reducing the population of sharks. That is why I have suggested targeting the most aggressive sharks with an electrified drumline that deters less aggressive sharks. It seems like a reasonable compromise. But, the government is afraid of the inevitable backlash from eco-warriors, who will continue to impose their values on society, disregarding the human cost, or outright celebrating it.

The problem with the debate is that it hinges on a false dichotomy pitting humans against nature. The anti-human sentiment has become so ingrained in progressive thought that the occasional shark attack is likely viewed as a necessary sacrifice. It is futile arguing with people who subscribe to this worldview.

But, there is hope, if we reframe the debate, so that it focuses on protecting all mammals in the wild, not just humans.

I have argued, for instance, that the added benefit of significantly reducing the rate of shark attacks is that it would set the stage for the removal of shark nets, which regrettably catch a lot of non-target species, including dolphins and whales. But, any reduction in shark attacks would apply to all potential prey, including dolphins and whales. So, the removal of aggressive sharks could have a profound effect on their welfare, too.

The only response I have received from the government has been a stock standard reply, outlining the current suite of shark mitigation measures, designed to balance the protection of sharks with the protection of people. Their letter made no reference to my proposal.

So, I requested a meeting, hoping to discuss the matter, but they didn’t reply. The reason I persist is that I don’t believe anyone in the know actually believes that lives will be saved.

For example, in research estimating the future rate of shark attacks, our most qualified shark scientists completely overlook the effect of the government’s shark mitigation programs. Of course, the numbers are buried under a mountain of obfuscation, fancifully modeled as the widespread adoption of shark shields.

But, it is clear that the base rate of shark attacks, i.e. without anyone using a Shark Shield, is projected to continue rising at the present rate, despite massive investment in other shark mitigation measures.

The government needs to ask the scientists at DPI if they actually believe the current suite of shark mitigation measures is saving lives. While it is certainly true that shark attacks are rare, the resulting trauma ripples much further through society than other tragedies. Dubbed The Jaws Effect, the horrific spectacle of shark attacks haunts ocean users, despite the risk of injury or death being less than it is for cycling. Even Dr Peddemors is reluctant to swim out too far.

(Dan Webber is the author of Surfism: the fluid foundation of consciousness.)