Butt into gear.
Kelly Slater, who needs no introduction here, shocked the world, yesterday, by telegraphing his third and maybe last retirement. The 51-year-old 11-time champion recently sat down with leftist organ The Guardian and declared, “If I make the Olympics, I’ll retire at the Olympics. I’m really hoping to qualify for it, but I need to get my butt into gear. The qualification process is going to be tough, but if I can get into the Olympics, the location the event is at in Tahiti – that wave really suits my strengths. So if I can get there I think I have a really good chance of a medal, but I think the harder part is going to be getting there, to be honest.”
As the dust settles, though, surf watchers are wondering both how much his butt needs to be in gear and what actually needs to happen for him to Team USA.
Let us examine together.
Now, the top two American male surfers on the World Surf League Championship Tour receive automatic qualifications. Unfortunately in the Olympics, Hawaiians count as American, which throws some salt into our hero’s game but here we are.
Heading into Portugal, Griffin Colapinto is the top Yankee in the world at number 6 followed by Johan Johan Florence at 7. Seth Moniz swings in at equal 8, Nat Young at 11 and then Slater at 16.
Science suggests that Colapinto will slip down the rankings, taking many Surfivalists with him, and J.J. will get hurt, though will do enough before injury to guarantee a bid. Seth will fade hard, Nat will move mountains with that yeoman backside stance but receive purposeful rude from the judges and end the year at 23.
Which leaves Slater number 2.
Do you think Kolohe Andino is going to make a charge?
Ezekiel Lau?
No.
The number 2 slot is there for Slater’s plucking.
No?
Science me better.
(Light one more candle for Gisele and Kelly, too, while you’re here. Seems like things are getting serious between her and jiu-jitsu instructor and we know where that all ends. Joel Tudor.)
Next on the block is those pesky soft serve ice cream trucks , “ve vill not have any greensleeves playing in this county nor unhealthy creamy delights for ze kleiner kinder”
I watched Malia’s latest release, seemed a pretty lavish edit. Maybe its all homemade, couple gopros and amateur wizardry. Also found it quite… sexy? Should amass a good few thousand views, for whichever reason.
Banksy should do a mural with a gang of nazi officers with their Lugers shooting all the balloons while the kiddies cry and drones cheer
Ben Marcus would win the Olympics and GISELE would marry him.
Funnily enough, despite puerto ricans being US citizens, they get to compete as a separate country.
I’m curious Jen See — do you think that will change with this new crew of Sierra Kerr, Erin Brooks, Caity Simmers etc etc (don’t mean to leave anyone out)? Simmers’ new release seemed to get a lot of play across the surf world, but I don’t know what the actual numbers are.
Good luck ever getting slats on the commentary team. Never gonna happen.. the best we’ll ever get will be a talking head calling in from the komune resort… sans Richie porta.
Let our Captain use one discretionary wild card:
Dane Reynolds for #1 American Seed.
https://i.pinimg.com/origin…
ha….you know it… The sickest underwater 540 Haleiwa has ever seen.
i’ve never come across Dane locally, but the way he’s surfed these breaks, which led to his competitive days/month/14yrs…he’s simply…a surfer w/ a family business…serious. one to two degrees of separation. unofficial PCH waterman. CI poster on the daughter’s wall! (disclaimer: the opinions and pics expressed here do not reflect that of the corporation(s)).
He is many parts and personalities; if you know Him. A combination of split and splice,(edits). Rebel meets round table tho only out of necessity as the Former,(pun), really is He and everyone else can only shove it compared to what He knows is His acumen.
Kelly has plenty of time to get that olympic medal and clearly still has more records to beat. As we all know, Oscar Swahn of Sweden didn’t even win his first medal (in shooting) until he was 60 and of course still holds the record as oldest Olympian at 72 years 281 days old. No way he’s leaving that one on the table… Just when you thought it was almost over, the reality is Kelly’s train is just getting ready to leave the station! https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
old VTA locals prefer Dane…
https://i.postimg.cc/K8Q9xp…
Dax pod w/ ke11y headline dropping in 3,2,1 …
The bad news for Kelly is not that hevis at#16…is that he is at#16 past Hawaii, before even going for the smaller waves locations
Two many John’s not enough knees
“Why is he sleeping on a ladder” Kelly Slater, surfers of fortune.
or not getting carried up the beach on…a ladder!
“He’s not super articulate as an interview…” = The nicest euphemism for dumb as a bag of rocks I’ve yet heard.
Slater by announcing his plan has guaranteed he will be pushed Thu heat after heat to ensure the fairytale ending.
A massive party will occur in honour of his retirement which he will hijack and use as his wedding reception ( done on the beach, pretend spur the moment, on the cheap) therefore not having to spend a cent on his wedding and capturing every world wide headline possible.
The honey moon will be in a borrowed room at a friends house in France.
Italy w/ Leo and Belly…
I concur. And I don’t know if “athletic intelligence” is yours or not, but I like it. Describes him exactly.
That would seem like the obvious outcome. (Read: BORING)
For as far fetched as it seems that Kelly could qualify, he’s not wrong about that wave being in his wheelhouse at this stage of his career. That would be something to see (assuming they get waves).
Totally. It would be a fitting send off if he gets there. Love to see it.
Until you just laid it out, I hadn’t recognised just how piss weak the current American contingent on Tour was!
Go Kelly.
America – the world’s greatest country*
*30 years ago
*45-50…but tijuana is just the same…wait. VTA?
https://external-content.du…
1 america is a continent, alaska to terra del fuego;
2 name of country is united states;
3 not the greatest anything tho
Spot the latino! There are two continents, north and south America.
If you take Ethan and Robbo out of the Australian equation, they look far weaker
True. Although also spicier, as the parlance goes.
I’d take Robson, Callinan, Baker and O’Leary over Andino, Marshall, Young and Lau.
Much of a much – Callinan and Andino could cancel each other out, and the rest are all journeymen. Thank god for Brazil or the tour really wouldn’t be worth watching!
The likely outcome of US and Oz being the only places in the world where you can pursue a viable career via freesurfing, not contest grinding.
We all know what noa deane has to say about it.
yeah, that’s a great point. Just focused on US/Hawaii, if you can live Mason Ho/Nate Florence’s life globe trotting and getting barreled constantly why would you do anything differently? Although I guess neither of those guys is a great example, since they would be unlikely to score all that well under the WSL judging criteria.
I see you’re hiding the king! wait see above & below…Chap 8 Demise of the
GoalGoat“We’re still tryin to build this stupid plant, small business, family, whatever…Loss of advertising and good nature shows…I-MAX, travel movies, professional disagreement, 60 minutes mentality squeezed down to a hot NY minute; imitatable behaviour syndrome. No big-breasted secretary. No I lay me down to sleep…I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake. And for true sentimentalists…Coca-Cola used to contain…coca. Then again, when’s the last time we bought something advertised on the big screen?But gotta run ’cause its brekkie at Coco’s…”
I feel a tiny bit of sympathy for him because bad timing will see him retire without what could have easily been in prime Slater a triple or even quadruple gold medallist. But on the other hand, he’s such a tosser that I kind of have the world’s smallest violin playing in the background.
He’d want to pull his finger out if he even thinks he’s going to make the mid year cut and given the events he’ll be lucky to not get 17ths in all of them and get the unkindest cut of all.
Even if he survives the cut he’ll have to come up with some huge results to get ahead of JJ and Griffin.
He should have been booted when he injured his foot a few years ago. That was a massive rort of the injury rule and pretty unsportsmanlike.
If they gifted Sally a wildcard for the back half of last year they will certainly give one to Kelly. The WSL don’t seem to have rules, they are more like guidelines
Griff will remove himself from the race when he misreads the form and accidentally registers himself with Armenia