But a ray of hope?

The World Surf League’s 2023 Championship Tour is three events in and what are the storylines grabbing you by the throat, floating through your dreams, or nightmares, during the sleepy hours? The dominance of the young guns like Jack Robinson, Joao Chianca, Griffin Colapinto during the first third? The fact that only one Yeti cooler has been released by Santa Monica? The who’s who club existing below the dreaded mid-season cut line?

Ahhh that’s what it is for me.

The ultimate surfer Zeke Lau, Olympic silver medalist Kanoa Igarashi, onetime-prodigy Kolohe Andino and living legend Kelly Slater all in much danger of being relegated with just two events to prove their mettle.

Yikes.

Lau is almost certainly done for. Andino in more danger than he’s ever been in for a decade. Igarashi and Slater right there, so close yet still so far.

And what will surf fans do in the absence of the man who has utterly dominated the scene for thirty-odd years? Easy to feel that nothing will change but how does anyone know? What if competitive professional surfing implodes once Slater is pushed out?

There might be one ray of light, though. The Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach is next, on the calendar, and did you know that Kelly Slater is the winningest ever surfer there, tied with Mick Fanning?

It is true.

The greatest of all-time won in 1994, 2006, 2008 and 2010.

But do you think he will dig deep and, at least, claw out of the round of 32?

It’s going to take a quarterfinal appearance to create real relief but winning at least three heats would be something.

Light a candle, please.

Wildly rude.

None of us here, no not one, would actually choose to be attacked by a shark whilst surfing but the aftermath, once flesh and bone were healed, might be cool-ish. Imagine being at a party, word spreading that you had been nibbled by a sea monster and survived to tell the tale. That you still surf and are so brave and handsome and dashing. The best of humanity. The sort of tough that history has mostly forgotten.

Well, apparently it is not all that it is cracked up to be, or at least according to recent victim Matt Picarelli.

The 36-year-old Floridian was enjoying a surf at Florida’s Pepper Park Beach on March 12th when all hell broke loose.

“It was a big animal next to me coming towards me and then, once it bit me, it took a chomp out of my foot and it just immediately left and just flew away, like so quick,” Picarelli told local WPTV. “Everything happening so quickly, it didn’t feel real at all. It felt very surreal.”

He described the sensation as “a car hitting me with a machete blade at the end of it.”

Picarelli managed to make it to the beach where bystanders gave him water and kept pressure on the wound before a friend drove him to a local hospital.

“Fifty stitches, broken tendon, chipped the bone. Yeah, it was – didn’t look good,” he added.

But the worse part? Maybe not pain or upcoming rehabilitation, no, but rather lurid, horrifying dreams.

“Every night, I’ve been having nightmares about it,” the handsome brunette continued. “I’m having sharks, whether I’m in the water or even in a room, coming towards me and biting my leg, biting my arm, biting my side, biting something, and attacking me.”

The biting “something” particularly ominous.

Horribly rude even.

Picarelli, though, displaying the aforementioned almost forgotten tough vows to return to the waters, saying, “I’ve surfed my entire life. I love the ocean. So, I don’t see myself not going back in after this.”

Brave.

Help him on his way here.

Tea leaves.

Days ago, it was revealed here that Mr. Pipeline may have been at the center of the scandal currently rocking Hollywood. Oh, all financial institutions may be imminently collapsing, World War III is quickly heating up but headlines have only had room for Tom Sandoval, Ariana Madix and their exploded relationship.

Both stars of the Bravo reality program Vanderpump Rules, the two had been dating for nine-ish years before Madix found naughty FaceTime videos on Sandoval’s phone featuring another Vanderpump Rules castmate, Raquel Leviss, and all hell broke loose.

While Sandoval, who I think fronts a cover band named Tom Sandoval and the Most Extras, apologized via Instagram, he and Leviss continued to wear the Lightning Bolt surfboard logo as symbols to each other.

Well, new information has come to light that the man responsible for “Scandoval” has long worried about a potential obsession with surfing.

Per a just-uncovered five-year-old Bravo interview, Tom declares, “I just know that if I started planning a wedding (to Madix), it would consume my whole life for like 2 years. I’d want like the ‘November Rain’ situation,” he said. “I’d want my train to be just as long as Ariana’s, so it’s almost like I’d rather not even bother. It’s like, I love snowboarding and people are like, ‘You should try surfing.’ And I’m like, ‘I could see myself getting too obsessed with it, so I’m not going to start.”

Boom.

Now, I see your eyes rolling. The thought “what does this have to do with anything” flitting across your lobes. But you should be thanking me. This “Scandoval” is, truly, the only thing being covered in the world right now and I have both made you aware of it and taught you about its reason, the main characters etc.

You can thank me when you head to the bank tomorrow, find zero dollars in there and are forced to strike up a conversation with the manager who will undoubtedly ask, “Team Sandoval or Team Ariana?”

You’re welcome.

Though while you’re here. Cover bands. Yay or nay?

Unchill.

Nothing but nothing causes aggravation, furious rage like parking enforcement. A mild mannered friend of mine, not prone to outburst, once threw packets of butter at a meter maid as she ticketed a car. But you have felt the same impulse, certainly, when coming back from a satisfying surf only to find your time expired and an expensive slap tucked underneath your windshield wiper.

Arghhhh.

Well, South Bay surfers exploded in bitterness, days ago, when Hermosa Beach City Council proposed moving parking meter enforcement from 10 am, where it sits now, down to 8 am.

You will likely recognize “Hermosa Beach” as next door to World Surf League Chief of Executives Erik Logan’s Manhattan Beach.

According to the Easy Reader, Mayor Raymond Jackson spoke in favor of the earlier enforcement, declaring, “Visitors who come early to our city to jog on The Strand, walk their dogs, and play volleyball should be paying.”

Councilmember Rob Saeman concurred with the mayor.

Dean Francois and Mike Detoy, also councilmembers, opposed the measure, citing the 10 am window as a good time for drunkards from the night before to find their cars.

The two against two gridlock meant the motion neither passed nor failed.

But.

One councilmember was not present for the vote and will swing the deciding hammer at next week’s gathering. One Jason Massey, who just so happens to be a surfer.

Do you imagine the 10 am time will remain safe or do you think that the powerful 8 am lobby will get into Massey’s ear and/or pocket, twisting the outcome?

Currently more questions than answers.

In other Hermosa Beach news, Mayor Jackson informed the local Little League team could no longer use the city’s insignia.

Sounds like a real buzz kill.